Dear IL's need your valuable suggestions please

Hi visa,
Better to leave guy before marriage than getting divorced. Sorry to be harsh here. He is controlling even before marriage and imagine how it would be after marriage. He will take permission from parents for each and everything and you hardly might get alone time with your husband. It is not the case with all joint families. I have seen people who are happy in joint family because they have their space. It is not the case with your fiancés family.

 

Ok,

I read all the posts. visa, i would say relax. relax a little, and stop reading any of the threads on the marriage forum for the time being. concentrate on courting, both your future as you, him and we/us and then some romance.

sometimes, preconceived notions add more fuel to issues. We maybe getting scared of our own shadows without realising it is just us, and switching on a light is simple solution.

let us look at your notion. you are a city girl and he is a village guy. so you think it is because he is from the village his family is more orthodox...well let me tell you that i know of families that are born,brought, rooted in the city and are orthodox to the power n.

Earning, well to, each person the dynamics differ. whether well educated, well employed depends on the person. there are families where every sibling is well educated , well employed and well settled. in some, the younger one maybe earning well than the elder one or the elder one could be really well settled than the younger one. so comparisons even just like that will become a thorn later. nip it early. you are both working, you are young, you will also reach there, it will just be matter of time.

ha, washing clothes, if they want it to be done everyday, (I wonder why washing clothes was discussed..). you can tell him that you will try and if it is not practically possible, you can tell him that we can appoint maid for this.


Yes, you have narrower options because of manglik and other requirements, but that does not mean that he is the one. never accept somebody because all your options were closed, it only paves way to resentment and thinking like if only i waited for a few more options(i am not saying that it would happen, but when you have a difference of opinion, the what if may arise..)

your fiancee praising his mom. remember she is the first lady in his life. it does not mean that he is a momma's boy. you still don't know that. he could be doing it naively thinking that the more he praises, you will also start liking her.
only he does not realise he is creating a streak of resentment.


I have a daughter who is 17+, she is independent, pampered and yes there are days when she is stubborn, but as a mom i would want her to be a little flexible and adjust to circumstances and situations. I relate being flexible to give in. sometimes, you give in if you know that you gain a lot in the bigger picture.but the giving in should be with you weighing on all your pros and con, not just because you are worried or your parents will be forced to face the society.


coming to adjusting to certain things.. I will talk taking my daughter as example..because it is simple..

we are very modern, we don't follow at certain things that are common in our families, but i have taught my daughter that though we don't follow, it is followed by others and each family has a way of doing their things, that does not mean they are not modern, so she needs to understand and adapt. (here adapt does not mean she has to completely subdue or change her character.) just go with the swing of the air, and accept/adjust/convince people.

We pamper her, but she can't expect her aunts' and uncles' and neighbours to pamper her. what is right in her perspective may not be right in others pov, and she needs to learn to understand that. sometimes, even a small chide from others looks like scolding. it is just a frame of mind. stop expecting to be pampered. if they pamper it is fine if not it is fine even then.


So you have the option of going ahead with the marriage or not going with it. even going into the marriage with open eyes, without any preconceived notions or going in with all the fears.(remember fear and these notions will start itching and making you want to look at every mole as a mountain.)

coming to experiences of people around you, it may or maynot be the same.
Adjustment issues will always be there. be it love marriage, arranged marriage, ultra modern, conversative. two people from any combination, will have adjustment issues, teething issues until they learn, understand each other.

marriage is about complementing each other. it is not about changing each other.

that said, if you have any gut feel that it is not going to be right, or something is nor right in the whole picture, talk to your parents first, tell them your feelings, your fears, ask them if they think you are imagining or if there is more to it. then you can call your fiance and talk with him. if you are not comfortable talking to him staight, call him home for a family lunch/dinner and you and your parents can take it from there. and if things still look wrong, call it off. nothing wrong forget the society, they will talk for a few days, and then they will move on with something else...


all the best

 

Dear Visa,

I am not sure whether you are real or not as I have seen a series of postings like this from people who joined IL in July 2013. You have also selectively responded only to a few posts and not others who have spent their valuable time to provide you feedback.

Assuming you are real, the Institution of marriage is not based on Master Services Agreement where everyone's roles are clearly defined earlier with terms and conditions. Both bride and groom take each other as they are and begin to understand each other during courtship. Sometimes, you come to know more only after the marriage and at least in your case you already know a lot of issues up front. If marriage has to be looked at what will I get out of it, it will fail right away. There has to be mutual sacrifices, understandings and care for each other. If you feel strongly about your fiancee, you should go for it. When you agree to marry, you are already agreeing to change some things at your end besides trying to change your fiancee. Certainly, your in-laws house (your future home) is not going to be replicate of your present home (your parent's home) after your marriage. The environment is going to be different and you have to use your skills to navigate through that. If you have the confidence to do that, you can go ahead. If you expect everyone to change to your requirement, you should reconsider your decision to marry.

Viswa

 

This to me is a giant red flag. I would tread gently, if I were you.

 

If I were you, I would have happily agreed and said "ye, me too. Evne for me my family is most important. Especially my dad. I would only be happy if you will treat him as your own dad." And then see how he takes it....

 

OP, you seem so sweet, naive and docile - no wonder his mom liked you.

 

Visa, rest assured, after you get married you will get a chance to know your man well. More often than not, priorities change after he really falls in "love" with you (which will come after he starts living with you).
Its likely he will consider your words too and not just his parents.
Of course, he might take time but he will get there. This molding and all goes both ways.

 

IMO...it should be your gut feeling than anything else. But it would be best to talk to him directly about your concerns before taking any final decision.

either way, he is very clear about staying with his parents post marriage, and a woman accepting such kind of proposal is actually seen as retrograding by many, even if the the man & his parents are good people. So introspect now itself, than be silent now to get married to an eligible & settled person... and create rift later

Sorry to say but men are in no mood to bend now a days

Good luck in whatever decision you take