Help me save my marriage!!!

Hello Everybody

I have been visiting this site for the last 6 months now and really feel that this a great site for ladies. This is my first post here. I have a big problem in my marriage and i really really need help from all you smart ladies out there (SoaringSpirit, Ria, Hopeforgood, Capediem...etc) to pls help me save my marriage.

Pls be patient and read my entire post, its going to be a long one, but i feel its important that you know the whole story to be able to advise me!! I have been married for the last 9 yrs now with a 5yr old boy. Ours was an arranged marriage. I was in love with somebody else (Mr.X) for 5 yrs before i got married. It began as a one sided love as he was in love with somebody else. But i was so attracted and drawn towards him that though i knew there was somebody else in his life i still couldnot hold my feelings for him. After some years he also started moving closely with me and expressed that he does have a soft corner for me, but he does not want to give me anyhopes for future together as he is already committed to this other girl. Then when my marriage was fixed with my husband, we decided to part as friends, but somewhere deep in my heart my feelings for him have not died.

The first year of my marriage, my hubby was very nice to me and tried to shower his love on me, but as i was still mentally with Mr. X i could not give my 100% to my marriage. Though i never met Mr.X after marriage, i still used to think about him alot. This went on for the first 2yrs of marriage. Then Mr.X got married to this other girl, and thats when i decided that enough is enough and i should forget this guy and focus on my marriage. But by then, my marriage had gone beyond repair, and my husband completely gave up on our marriage, and we started having regular agruments and fights in the house. He is very short temepered and always used to shout at me , never empathise with me for anything and in general there was not a single day that we lived happily. He never used to agree with me on anything and always used to take his parents side for any argument. This was the time when we were living with my inlaws. This was a shock to me as i was not getting any love from my husband and i used to be depressed and crying everyday, blaming god that he never gave me the person that i loved in my life, and now when i want to have a good marriage, my husband does not love me anymore. I had gone into a total depression, and even when i was pregnant with my son, the fights never stopped. This went on for some years.....then all of a sudden i got a call from Mr.X saying that he wants to be friends again withme.........i resisted for a year and never met him. But then, as the unpleasentness at homefront increased, i thought why shouldnnot i meet this person who wants me so badly.......so i met him once, and from then on again we started meeting regularly. THis time he said that he sincerely loves me and realised his love for me only after i went away from his life....for me he provided the love, warmth and affection which i did not receive from my husband. I dont think i was in love with this person anymore, as by then i was so vexed up with life that i had no feelings of love for anyone, anymore. But meeting him made me happy, and i could freely talk to him without any inhibitions and i started being happy again after a long time again!!!

But i made it very clear that, i do not want any kind of a physical closeness between us, and that i enjoy his company and we should keep it at that. He agreed to that, and slowly i started enjlying life again. Then becos of my husbands job, we had to move out of India and came to Belgium. I used to be in touch with MrX though emails. Oneday my husband came home saying that i want to discuss something important with you. All this while i was wondering why we have regular fights and our marriage was not working, and now he know the reason for that, which is that there is another man in my life. He told me that he received some mails from somebody anonymous abt my affair with Mr.X and all hell broke loose.(I feel that there was no anonymous person, but that my husband got hold of my password and read my mails) We had 3 days and nights of discussions and arguments and i disclosed everything to him. He said that he will not divorce me becos of the stigma attached to divorece and also that our son needs both of us. But he said he does not have any trust in me anymore and that i have to now work extra hard to make this marriage work. He says he is not going to put in any efforts as he feels he is cheated and i have given him hell in the last 9yrs of marriage beocs i was in love with somebody else.

After that i have closed that chapter of my life with X and decided that i need to revive my marriage. But these days whenever we have any small fight, he always brings back the past and says that i dont feel bad about committing adultery in the marriage, and since i have sinned i have to keep my head down and listen to all that he says without questioning anything ever. He says i have lost all rights in this marriage, and he does not trust me any more.

Can you all pls advise me

1. How do i get his trust back
2. He is shorttempered and always snaps at me for every small thing. I think he wants to hurt me mentally by doing so.
3. If i try to answer back he says you dont have any right to raise your voice against me after the mistake that you have committed in life.

I agree i have wronged, but under what circumstances have i done that? Is he not partially responsible for driving me towards this guy again? If i say that he is not willing to accept it and says that he is not reponsible for our marriage not working as he gave it his 100% and i did not.

Pls adivse me what to do.........
1. I want peace at home.
2. I want him to start loving me again.

Thankyou

 

Also want to add that, when i ask him where do we go from here in our relation,....I could think of two options, either we get separated, or we could bury the past and start our life fresh. I told him that i want us to pursue the second option. For which he says, he cannot choose any option now, but he is not able to forget what i did to him........he also says that he feels that i dont realise that i have done any mistake....he also asks can you give me back all the last 9yrs that i have lost back to me? I dont have an answer. How can i make him understand that yes i have comitted a mistake by looking for emotional support outside........ but now i want another chance to give my marriage 100%. I really love him and want us to have a happy life ahead. Pls advise

 

Thanks to all of you for your replies. Really appreciate it. I just want to clarify a few things. Dont think i am justifying myself.

I do agree that i was not very reciprocative during the initial years but it was not like i was totally indifferent to him. I used to be affectionate to him,But he has immense ego, and cannot accept anybody else's upmanship. He always used to try to put me down and say that i should listen to what he says. This kind of behavior used to upset me a lot and eventually drove me away from him. Especially becos even i was a working women in a senior managerial position while in India, but he always used to say things like if i were your boss I would not even have you as my secretary. These things used to really depress me and hurt me. He never has any respect for me.......and now he says openly that he has no respect for me at all, and no trust !!

He also never acknowleges the fact that i gave up such a high flying career to take care of our son and home, and moved with him to this new country. I am not expecting him to be verbal about it.......but atleast once in a while he can appreciate me for what i do.........he never does that. And now when i ask him why cant he see the good things that i do........he says you expect 'instant gratification'.......and what you do is not enough to cover your sins!!!

Pls help me how do i deal with this........I try to be patient most of the time and not reply to his snapping and sarcastic words........but sometimes it gets a little too much and thats when i answer back to him and he immediately says....dont raise your voice against me, you dont have any right to do that......and he immediately rakes up the past!!!

Pls advise

 

Thanks a lot Carpediem and HopeforGood for your wonderful suggestions. To answer your question hopeforgood, No he has not disclosed it to anyother 3rd person. Its just between the two of us. Knowing him, i dont think he will ever disclose it to anybody. He is a person who would like to deal with his problems himself!!

 

Thanks SoaringSpirit for your wonderful advise. I went through the link that you provided and really loved the bullet pt approach. I am surely going to follow it.

I have another question. My husband keeps telling me that he does not trust me anymore and he also says that he is sure that if at all we go back to India he is sure that i will establish connection again with Mr.X and will resume my friendship with him. I have tried explaining it to him so much that, that part of my life is over and i really have no interest in Mr.X anymore and i am looking at starting a new life with my husband. But he continues to be very suspicious of everything that i do.........like any emails that go out of my mail box (he even had a mail redirect installed so that any mails that come into my account, a copy of that goes to his mailbox too!!), or any calls that i make.......I really feel bad for so much supervision that happens on my every doing!!!

I know it takes time for him to build trust in me.........but can anybody pls advise if there are a few things that i can immediately put into practise which would put me on the right track to gain his confidence and trust back?

Thankyou everyone and expecting a good advise from all you smart women out there