Help me save my marriage...any good advice.

rya · Apr 20, 2007

hello friend,
felt very sad about your situation but don't ever think of ending your life in any case as you don't have any rights to take off your soul...face your life..and the best thing is please talk to your hubby directly regarding this and openly and make him understand that you are trying to help him...please don't get emotional and don't let this matter to end in fight..slowly make him realise that you are always for him..and make him realise not to feel for someone who has not cared for him but someone who really loves him..that is you..make a free day and see to that you talk softly...observe what he expresses to you and then decide about your life...even if he doesn't respond properly show your love to him and even cry at times if he doesn't understand you.. this may change him..don't ever loose hope

diana · Jul 16, 2007

Hi friends,

3 months after posting my problem on this forum, I have again come with my same problem but with different situation.

End April my hubby got a job here in Kuwait through my sister's husband and he came here. Last month when my sister's husband informed that there was a chance for a job for me here too (in my bil's Company), my hubby brought me here along with our kids. A week after I came here i started working.

I was very happy in coming here, as i thought i will get more time alone with my hubby (without his/my family).

As I stay close to my sister now, I informed her about my problem with my hubby. She insisted that on weekends to send my kids to her place, to play with her kids, so that I can spend enough time with my hubby. But when my hubby sees that he is alone with me, he makes excuses and goes out of the house, keeping me all alone at home. It just seems like he wants to get away from me. I really dont know what i can do to make my situation better.

The other problem is, I have no other support from him, in any work. Here I have to see my job, kids, house work and also kids school/studies. He doesnt help me with anything. Leaves everything on me. It was ok when i was in India. I had help from others, but after coming here i feel all alone.

When i have to go anywhr i cant even leave kids with him, thinking he will take care, cause he says that if i have to go, i either have to take them along or leave them at my sis place, he will not be able to manage. My sister on and off helps me, but she has her fly to see too.

I had even asked my sis hubby to speak to my hubby about his probelms, and when he spoke to him, he straightly refused saying that he doesnt like to speak in this matter.

Inspite of all my above problems, I dont fight or argue with him. I am basically a soft spoken person. I rarely lose my temper. But also i am very sensitive, all this hurts me alot within.

Please friends advise me as to, what i can do in such situation.

Diana

Nandshyam · Apr 1, 2008

Diana,

Hope something's changed now :-( :-(

I would suggest you talk to him. The days of just leaving the situation as is and having them come and open up is gone. You have to confront him and ask him if this what he wants? that ex might be happily married with her husband and is this how you create a woman who gave away her life for nothing. An innocent woman who in this love affair of yours is the victim and had no participation whatsoever? Please ask him and talk to him. I am surprised how you are in this loveless marriage for so long. This is one life, diana? is this what you want to do? jsut live the life for the sake of the kids. What after they grow up and go on with their lives? whats there in for you? please think.

mithila kannan · Apr 6, 2008

My dear friend,
S you have rightly said,two kids are thre so you have to do your best to be happy in this marriage and see that ur children dont suffer.I can see that you love your husband very much.Now dont fall all over him.He is used to being pampered by you and you have said you are showering your love and affection on him.My instinct tells me that you have to keep your cool,let him not be under the impression that he is God's answer to womankind on earth.If you are a working woman do all that is possible to shine in your job get promotions,achive something to make him wake up and see you with new respect in his eyes.If you are not working,take up a job,do something so that you feel good abt urself.If you set ur heart on it you will do it.
Forget mooning over this man who does not know ur value.When the world around you get up and looks at new with new respect,he will fall in line.
Keep ur cool.Dont fight with him,just be calm and do your duty.Thats all,definitely things will change for the better.
All the best.
mithila kannan

dallascw · Apr 6, 2008

Okay..I think your husband is spoilt by seven years of pampering and longing by you. Stop trying to please him and start doing things for yourself and for your kids. Do not try to make his favourite dish, or work yourself to death with no help from him. I am not asking you to be rude, mean or to disrespect your husband but not to overtly try to please him since by now he knows you always give in to HIS needs.
Keep yourself busy at work and kids. If he does not help you, just say sorry but he needs to do some work around the house. It is okay to leave the kids with him even if he complains he cannot manage it occasionaly.
Make sure he does not physically harm you..he has already emotionally damaged you so you need to fix this for yourself. Make social events without him.
Now as woman I know you have your needs.. best thing is to keep your mind busy, exercise, meditate and start doing things for you and your kids.
I would also advise marriage counselling .. and you do not have to hide this from your parents and his. Find a local marriage counsellor and request they intervene. Some one will help mediate the discussion . Worst case find a job back in India and say it would be best to have a long distance marriage ( no reason for you to suffer without your support group ) and leave him to mop in his own misery. He will come to his senses. I know no one has advised you to leave the marriage but think logically.. what will be the impact to you and your kids. If you think they are better off seeing a miserable mother and detached father then be in the marriage.. if you think otherwise and believe your family will support you in your decision to end the marriage logically try to think through it and ask your husband if this is what he wants.
Indian law does allow women to end the marriage if the partner does not fulfill the wife 'e needs.
I am not trying to be a feminist here.. just want you and your kids to be happy. In any situation there are only 3 things to do "Leave it, Live with it or Lobby for change" . If you cannot Live with it nor Lobby for change then the time has come to Leave it.

diana · Apr 9, 2008

dallascw said: ↑

Okay..I think your husband is spoilt by seven years of pampering and longing by you. Stop trying to please him and start doing things for yourself and for your kids. Do not try to make his favourite dish, or work yourself to death with no help from him. I am not asking you to be rude, mean or to disrespect your husband but not to overtly try to please him since by now he knows you always give in to HIS needs.
Keep yourself busy at work and kids. If he does not help you, just say sorry but he needs to do some work around the house. It is okay to leave the kids with him even if he complains he cannot manage it occasionaly.
Make sure he does not physically harm you..he has already emotionally damaged you so you need to fix this for yourself. Make social events without him.
Now as woman I know you have your needs.. best thing is to keep your mind busy, exercise, meditate and start doing things for you and your kids.
I would also advise marriage counselling .. and you do not have to hide this from your parents and his. Find a local marriage counsellor and request they intervene. Some one will help mediate the discussion . Worst case find a job back in India and say it would be best to have a long distance marriage ( no reason for you to suffer without your support group ) and leave him to mop in his own misery. He will come to his senses. I know no one has advised you to leave the marriage but think logically.. what will be the impact to you and your kids. If you think they are better off seeing a miserable mother and detached father then be in the marriage.. if you think otherwise and believe your family will support you in your decision to end the marriage logically try to think through it and ask your husband if this is what he wants.
Indian law does allow women to end the marriage if the partner does not fulfill the wife 'e needs.
I am not trying to be a feminist here.. just want you and your kids to be happy. In any situation there are only 3 things to do "Leave it, Live with it or Lobby for change" . If you cannot Live with it nor Lobby for change then the time has come to Leave it.
Click to expand...

Hi Dallascw,

I guess you are reading the first post of mine

Read the latest as below, as things have sorted out alot between me n my hubby.

http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/19485-new-problem-my-married-life.html

Anyway thanks for your interest.

Rgds,
Diana

testuser1234 · Apr 21, 2008

I am a new member of this website and was going over all threads... to be frank I really liked the advise of Jaya... I am happy to join this community. Thanks Jaya for your advise.
Diana,
I would like to say only one thing don't expect love from your husband or rather don't expect anything find happiness in spending time with kids.. You will feel happy one day trust god he will give you strength.