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Plz give me suggestion with my in laws

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by pathmaker234, Mar 16, 2013.

  1. Mar 16, 2013 #1
    pathmaker234

    pathmaker234 New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    My name is ****. I recently came back from USA to India.Here is my concern...I am the only daughter to my parents and i got married at early stage (19 years). My husband and my in laws are very good to me and as I study very well my father in law has forced me to do masters in usa since I study good.But at that time i am not interested to go to US alone at all and my parents are not willing to send me to US since I am the only daughter to them(And I have been with my parents till the marriage and my father used to take care of me a lot and i don't know outside world how to survive). Beco'z of my father in law,I went to USA unsatisfactorily crying a lot).. At the initial stage in USA I suffered a lot and later on i got adjusted myself .and after couple of months(7 months) my husband got dependent visa and he came to USA. My in laws wanted me to come back to India after masters but I am interested to do job in USA and I asked my husband and he encouraged me to do the job.like that it has passed 3 years and my husband has not been working all these years.I tried a lot for him to find the work but he is not interested to do any kind of job..At the end of last year i am done with my project and my husband gave me chance to ry for another job for 2 months.during this period i got conceived but due to bad luck I got aborted at the same time.When I am in usa and mother in law told me that i need not stay with them and I can try for jobs may be in hyderabad,bangalore..And my husband also told me that i can do job after coming to india...

    And now i am staying jointly with my in laws and husband.I got a job at bangalore but they are not willing to send me now since my husband has to stay idle(becoz' he don't have much offers in bangalore and he is not interested in job.he wants to start some business in his hometown). and also they are saying software jobs are very stressful(and they are in idea that due to software I got aborted).There are some dustrubances in family in factors like my dressing,my food and everything.But they don't expect me to do housework and my mother in law only will take care of everything(In laws are very calm and they treat me like their daughter).But due to old age their ideas and my ideas are not getting matched.Initially I used to give them counters seriously on whatever they gave me suggestion.Example:Once I went to the function they want me to put the gold but I prefer to be simple. And in kitchen my and my mother in law ideas will not get matched....I know after getting old people will be very chadastam(telugu word).that is the problem i have staying with my in laws

    I want to be with my husband alone at one house and closer to my in laws also so that here and then I can visit them.And I have an idea that staying closer with them or together will ruin the relationships and it is better to stay farther taking care of themselves..But my in laws will think about friends and relatives what they will think about ourselves. And I don't like sitting idle at home it is very depressed..i want to do job atleast i got conceived but they are in idea that after having kids i can work.

    If i have been like housewife from the beginning then totally it is a different case.i know after going to US my ideas have changed a lot regarding career wise.I want to earn and I feel this is the right age to earn after having kids life will go with them only by taking care of them.But in laws will say you need not work since we have properties.just work casually without taking much stress just like faculty jobs..i am interested like this also but i want to stay away from my in laws..

    Me and my husband are not daring to tell them beco'z they may feel if we say that we want to stay separately...

    plz gals give me an idea for staying separately without hurting my in laws ..Thanks for reading this post..
     
    pathmaker234, Mar 16, 2013
    pathmaker234, Mar 16, 2013
    #1
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  2. Mar 17, 2013 #2
    sowmani

    sowmani Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi, I wanna know one thing. Is your hubby working now?? If you stay away, will you be managing without your support??
    On reading your post, I felt you have NO problem at all.. You have said that your in-laws treat you like a daughter. Please try giving back the same love and care , Even we would have come across the same old words from our parents also !!!
    About job, Kindly convey your interest and willingness of going work. Be strong and achieve.
    From my life, I clearly learnt one thing. We cannot achieve what you want with harsh words!! It wont ripe the fruit. So if you wish to go for Job, stick on to it. Even if you are interested in doing business with your hubby ,that is also well! So, Many choices for you! Think of all aspects and futuristic view, decide your career!
    (THIS IS PURELY MY VIEW, Sorry if it hurts you)
    thank u friend
     
    sowmani, Mar 17, 2013
    sowmani, Mar 17, 2013
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  3. Mar 19, 2013 #3
    pathmaker234

    pathmaker234 New IL'ite

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    Thanks for the reply...My husband is not working .i already asked them that i will do the job.i got the job and i left the offer also(becoz of them).they will say just do the job for timepass only don't take strees.actually their idea is if i go to the job then my husband also should with me (whatever place) and he will not do anything.just he need to sit at home beco'z he is not interested into job...Now he is doing the same thing at his hometown.But my in laws are worrying what all relative will think if he sits at home at some other place(where i got the job)....if he stays in his hometown just they can say that he is taking care of his agricultural lands..

    First of all i am not interested to stay with them.even for smaller things if i do against them then my FIL won't talk to me for 2 or 3 days.it is a kinda of mental stress for me.I will think sometimes that why to go against them but i can do whatever they say to me...i want to be as my interest... So i am thinking it is better to stay away from them in separate house where i can do whatever I want without fear,i can go wherever i want... but now they will say girls shoudl not go anywhere...even for anniversaries I want to spend with my husband go to some other place but due to them we can't do anywhere.my husband can't ask them that we will go for a trip.why to live like this? holding all our desires in mind.plz suggest me how to stay in separate house.Staying jointly is bit difficult...i will not give harsh words but if they come to me like u have dress like this,,u have to eat like this then i am saying to them very harshly.This is the idea of my husband only..he only told me to give counters to them no need to listen to them everthing but not too harshly...

    Just i have my own individual throughts and i don't like people to come in my life for every thing..if it is career wise ,they have more exp than us then we can take theier suggestions if needed... i don't like sitting idle at home, enjoying ancestor properties..this is the age we have to work hard..why to live for others? if we have problems then no one will come to me...my FIL will think about prestigesss..

    plz give me suggestion on how to come out ...even my husband is also willing to come out with me .i told him my problems and he understood it.not only this they have taken me to a psychiatrist.even that doc also told the same thing...we can take care of parents even though we stay separately to themm.. there is nothing wrong in that.i am not saying that i will not take care of them.they are god's gift to me but i am not comfortable staying with them.i have to pretend like a calm girl.i want to live as per my own..

    i know this is not a major issue.i have seen lot of in laws troubling their daughters in laws.but my case is something different.. just want to stay separately from them..
     
    pathmaker234, Mar 19, 2013
    pathmaker234, Mar 19, 2013
    #3
  4. Mar 19, 2013 #4
    sweetyappy

    sweetyappy Senior IL'ite

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    Why dont you try an ordinary job in your Hometown? This would be a starting... Once your In-laws are used to your working, then you can look for whatever job of your interest like you said Softwares. To start of, look for a job of your interest or rather hobby like, painting, teaching, or any other thing. Let them get to habituate to your working. Share everyday's experience with them that you learnt this, you enjoyed this. That way they will come to know how much you enjoy working.

    This is my opinion.
     
    sweetyappy, Mar 19, 2013
    sweetyappy, Mar 19, 2013
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  5. Mar 20, 2013 #5
    GiJoe

    GiJoe Silver IL'ite

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    pathmaker,

    The only quick way is to convince your DH to get a job in another city and move out.
     
    GiJoe, Mar 20, 2013
    GiJoe, Mar 20, 2013
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  6. Mar 20, 2013 #6
    Gae3

    Gae3 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi OP,
    Reading your post I am feeling your so lucky to be blessed with such in laws.
    Who have given you an opportunity to study in US given you enough freedom to start working.
    And 3 years you have been up to your choices.And IT is indeed a stressful job since I have worked in that field for 6 years now. I think mainly there concern is about a baby.So relax take this as a break time.Jobs are always available.Plan for a baby and then you can look out for a job too.I am sure they will take care of your kid and soon say GO to office we are here to tc of the baby.My opinion they have given so much at least once you should also give them a chance.( may be your opinion might differ with mine) Just my :my2cents
     
    Gae3, Mar 20, 2013
    Gae3, Mar 20, 2013
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  7. Mar 21, 2013 #7
    pathmaker234

    pathmaker234 New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    Yaa i know they are very good to me.my concern is why to make me as a bad person for fighting smaller things like freedom,privacy..if my in laws are very rude then myself used to tell them that i want to get separate. I am not comfortable staying with them beco'z i am loosing my privacy with my husband,my freedom..i can't go anywhere, can't sleep more,can't talk with friends,can't sit infront of my laptop,can't cook whatever i like(MIL decision only)can't do whatever I want,everytime getting scared if i do something new...i truly agree with you... i didn't ask them that i will go for masters infact i am not interested..At that time t my FIL has fighted with my father also(my father not interested in sending me)beco'z of them i faced lot of problems in usa staying with boys(And some i can't say everyday literally crying and i think u know how difficult it would be for me after getting married going alone to USA).They forcely have send me .on that day also it is not my decision..I told them that i am not interested to go to USA and my FIL didn't talk to me also when i said that decision.and now also they don't want me to do job(this is also their decision).. Staying under one roof is becoming difficult .just i have to stay in my bedroom whenever i feel hungry i will go and eat...if i talk to them very freely somewhere we are getting opinions mismatch and again leads to quarelling...that is why i am keeping quiet not able to mingle with themm freely..hope u can understand...they are very good in laws that is why i want to get separate without hurting their feelings..this is for my privacy only...Even staying in 2 diff houses also we can be closer.
     
    pathmaker234, Mar 21, 2013
    pathmaker234, Mar 21, 2013
    #7
  8. Mar 22, 2013 #8
    dahlia

    dahlia Silver IL'ite

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    Pathmaker,
    Privacy and freedom are not small things. You have every right to feel the way you are feeling right now. I cannot imagine what I'd do if someone is watching my every move and I'm expected to tell to them before I do anything. Our parents did that enough in our life and rightfully so. Other than to our parents, we dont owe anything to anyone. So, if I were you, I'd be honest with my husband and tell him that joint family setup is not for you and that you need to move out soon. The more you try to 'adjust', the more you'll hate your ILs and eventually detest your husband. Give a deadline date to your husband and tell him to talk to his parents. You will be so depressed if you continue to live in this setup.
     
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2013
    dahlia, Mar 22, 2013
    dahlia, Mar 22, 2013
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  9. Mar 22, 2013 #9
    ppriya182010

    ppriya182010 Gold IL'ite

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    Pathmaker,
    You are so lucky to have such ILs. Most ppl would love to have a life like that, not worry about finances and not need to work. Atleast I would. Not that I am lazy or non-career oriented. But I have no financial freedom like you have. I have to work and cannot afford to take chance with some new venture/ business.

    I understand you want to work. But may I ask if you only want to work in IT? Why so? You said your family have agri lands that your DH takes care. Can you concentrate on Agri and do something to stand out like Organic farms? I am sure your MBA will come in handy if you want to do something innovative, not just technology, even agriculture. I know in recent days, many corporate ppl are quiting and going back to agriculture to lead a peaceful life. Corporate life is stressful, believe it or not. Not that all other fields are not stressful. Just that most People flock to IT due to financial benefits, so they take up all stress, no choice. But why don't you think something to do in your native place itself applying your education?

    Every in-laws want their sons to be with them. Joint family being good or bad depends on every family. Your ILs seem to be nice ppl, just stubborn with their ways, but they must like you so much to spend on your education. You can try to bring them to your ways with little more effort, so they understand you need some space. For eg. If you want to go on a trip, take them with you for the first trip. If they are not venturing types, they won't enjoi and from next time, they themselves mite not want to go with you guys.

    ILs not talking to you for 2-3 days and all is mental stress. But believe me it could be worse. My ILs didn't talk to me for 1.5 yrs just for the reason that I didnt immediately call them back when they gave a missed call. Actual reason being they want some lame excuse to keep me aside from family. I have worked around them with sheer patience. Now I get involved whether they want or not, so they have no choice. It takes a lot of effort.
     
    ppriya182010, Mar 22, 2013
    ppriya182010, Mar 22, 2013
    #9

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