Not knowing what to do.Please Help or suggest and sorry for the long mail

lovelybird · Mar 10, 2013

Thanks all for all your suggestions.
I am back but not with so good news...i was so disappointed that things are back into place now after a trial period.
What happened was my husband was back here,and i conveyed my feelings to him that i want to be with him and want to give one more try.Initally he was reluctant blaming me for everything,pointing me in every way possible.He said he wants to file for divorce...but somehow asked him to give it one more shot...I took every word of him in a positive way and still gave it a shot.
Few days went well,because of the emotional thing,we got close to each other at one point.I thought after that point,everything ll set,but my Husband wants to meet only if i assure him that i ll change my way of thinking.Change of thinking is nothing but not arguing or saying yes to whatever he says.From all the days passed by ,i felt nothing has changed,he thought a while to get back,that too not purely on the love he has for me but for some reasons he know.His mother has not changed,his parents want him for their better future.At some point i thought of accepting them and try to behave according to him,but he has this peculiar quality of pestering me and pinpointing every single sentence i say to him.I mean i have to react so cautiously worrying about the outcome..always he feels he has done everything and i am not changing..all the days i tried to be good with him but at some point i just got disappointed some where and just asked him why he didnt and somehting like that...just a matter of few sentences,i didnt know that small situation will bring back things to normal again...like before..i feel any couple will have such naggings...and it part of life...he wants me to apologise...but i dont feel..i have done something wrong...even then i said sorry about it,but still he makes it a big issue and pointing me that i havent changed and he feels he cant be with him if i dont change my thinking..

Finally he is saying he has done his best in getting back to me,but since he feels i havent changed a bit during this trial period,he is not sure about this relation future and he is not interested in any trouble from me in future.He left the decision to me,if i want to be with him,i have to change according to him and he is not going to change a bit.If i impress him and be as per him,he ll take good care of me else not..i mean i feel i cant bend for his stupid thoughts anymore..worst part i have done all through this time is i was just waiting for him without thinking about my future,career and all...hoping for a reunion again..but i feel nothing is going to change ,only i should change according to him and i really cant...i can adjust but if he pinpoints everything i say and everything i do and making it a big issue for nothing ,ruining his mental peace and mine..He is good person but he has problem with me in everything possible.things ll be good if i kill my own thoughts and opinion.I should serve his parents not thinking about me..when he is in good mood or when he gets some feeling for me..he ll do something for me ,even thats not as per my own interests.

I feel him so controlling and if i try to explain him anything that he took negative,he ll not try to understand,simply feels i am not understanding him...getting confused and talks as if i dont have a proper mind...all he needs is praises...no one should blame him and try to correct him...I am 28 now...i am worried if i should be with him or take a bold step in moving out of this emotional abusive relation...He just left the decision to me..if at all i want to be with him..i have to act according to him,should not let out my feelings..first i have to impress him.I have no problem in impressing him or be acc to him,but on what issues he gets angry and reacts violently is a question mark to me always...i feel i have taken proper care in avoiding arguments,but if i react back pointing him on anything or just posing a question or just a normal expectation would lead into an argument..
I am not knowing whether marriage ll be like this,wife should adjust no matter what,is that how everybody's life is...i mean end of day if only wife should adjust and this is how marriage works,then may be i ll try to go in that way. I have independant thoughts ,same time i am traditional,believe in marriage and one time partner.I am not sure if i can get some one in my life again..I am good looking,now and then i see people after me,but i feel all guys ll come to me only for physical need and not for marriage in case i take a divorce...same time life with my husband is like hell though how much i like him...i have started pouring positive things during this trial period because i want to be with him and with some hope on future with him here in India or US..but after a small argument out of which he made a big issue and is again with the same question of whether to be with him or not...i am getting crazy...My parents are feeling i am not knowing how to handle him smart ..they gave a suggestion that if at all i want to be with him,i should bend to him removing all my own self and my own likes and interests.I should accept him his parents too who ll not leave him at any cost even for a few days just to be with me..my father wants me to go back,my mother wants me to divorce him and look after my life..i am not knowing why i want to be with him..am i used to him and his abusive words and emotional drain...i just cry for few days...then again i feel like going back to him...have i lost my self confidence or do i really love him..what i feel about him is not known to me but still i feel i want him ..but now after this trial period and again an argument and his same behaviour...i feel i should be stubborn on my feelings too...if at all he wants to get back it should be mutual and i am as i am and he should accept me as i am .i am thinking of saying to him that he cannot just leave the decision to me and if he wants me he should accept me...else he is left to take his own decision...this is how i feel now...
please hlep me induslaites...i need all your suggestions...am i thinking in the right way...

omnam · Mar 11, 2013

Dearie,

What you are feeling is normal. Dont think that your smartness can change him. He is like this , will never change. Relationship dont stand if only one person have to adjust all time. Seems he and his mother went thro Domestic voilence and abused the same way..thats the reason he is taking out all frustration on you. Even if you become saint and act according to him and live, you will end up being abuser like him and his mom. He will never change but you will change as abuser in future.

Not to forget you are already doubting about your technical side for your job. Do you think ppl going for job are all having high level of technical knowledge !! Only confidence speaks when you are attending interview. Why you feeling low when you are educated?

Please please be careful and dont plan or have any unplan kid. Life will be more difficult for you then.

Please go thro other threads here who shared their success stories after divorce. Some are IAS after divorce, some completed Ph.d, frnd of mine took up her graduation when her H married another lady just in a week of seperation without even divorcing my frnd. Why not you!?

Just because a idiot commented on ur looks, or anything do you belv him. Noway. Try live the way you wanted.

Remarriage will not b a problem for you. YOU ARE JUST 28yr old. Be strong. Not all men will come for only physical interest. Probably you can find one for yourself when you are settled with job. BE confident and strong... no one will mess with you then.

PS- Me too going thro similar situation. Now i m on recovery mode. you have to do lot of homework on yourself to get back to normal. More you stay with him more damage you are doing to yourself.

Marriage is most important but not at the cost of your life, dignity and self respect.

kumudh · Mar 19, 2013

Dear Lvlybird,

Having read all your lengthy & loooong mails and other's view point, I think your are like emotional wreck train ready to crash.. Slow down.. otherwise any decision you take at this state of mind, is prone for another failure. one at a time... in all your posts couple things coming out very clearly.. in an otherwise repeats after repeat of info. stop writing long mails.. make it clear & provide your point.

- You feel badly for not able to be in US plus this visa validation got struck in embassy.. I understand, having lived in US for some time & with a job done before, it's horrible feeling of
emptyness & bleak future..
- You have a longing for your DH despite you yourself finding him horrible, hurt you 100 times every time you think or write/talk to him.
- You don't want to be in india or work there...or feel you on low skills, job prospect is bad, especially depending on parent's.
- Your somehow expect your DH to say he also wants to work out the future, consulting each other.. minus the in laws.

These four points come out many times in your posts.. Very simple.. any new road is always scary.. that's why we take refuge in known roads or territory.. but then before we travel that road, it was the same scary road made us now familiar.. Your situation is since you got married to this guy, somehow you want this to work without having to go separate & start all over again, alone. But unfortunately your DH (based on your words) is a not willing to treat you equal, don't want to talk to you about how to change your feelings or not even love you, all you get is word after word is simple abuse, hurt more strong then before. Plus the in laws dynamics also making this worst & he listens to them more than you.

Plus your falling for him always or showing that your disparate makes him think & he says openly you have no option except to come back to him, he is an emotional reader, he calculates his message & says curtly, that you have to adjust to his ways & in laws, not in any other joint solutions.. If you join him in this state, I am sure not only him, anyone will abuse you physically & emotionally using your weakness again & again. Once you bend, that's it, he will start riding on you. He may even start enjoying abusing you & do more and more of this draining you of your power of resistance...remember every worst abuse starts emotional abuse, then it's physical, then one's pain is another's enjoyment...this is not life you want to live..

not much water is flown.. still you can correct the situation only you STAY POSITIVE, WISE, DON'T BROOD OVER & over. Why are you thinking about him & the past alone 24x7.. Why can't you think about lot of advantages you have,, that you can build on further & convert that to opportunity & strength... remember only strength will respect another strength.. currently he sees you have no option, miserable & he has strength.. but you too have, only if you think.. You said, you have work visa pending in embassy, your DH settled in another country..but willing to take you provided you say/do what's he says..

Track 1:

If you still think you can convince ( I am not..) & love him, but work towards listening you, You have to be wise & bold to make this track move.. your an educated, you can do it. First accept your DH, for the sake say you are okay to adjust with his ways, let him process papers for you in what ever country ( you didn't say which one...) he settles in, don't worry about in-laws.. Your focus is going with him. Once there with him, you can use your charm, love what ever you have.. but you have to wise & cunning at times.. You need to gather some evidence of his abuse, keep track of everything bad he does, this will help you later. Once he shows you door or abuse you, then you can use it to local police that he is an abuser, then you will get protection & so on... meanwhile while with him, spend your time in getting a job, improve your looks & education etc... get confidence.. your going with him nor for his enjoyment or toy, but your own improvements at his cost... but keep all this in your mind..

Track 2:

Leave this emotional & physical abuser.. do what is necessary to convert that visa waiting to grant of visa.. you said it's an work visa.. that means you must have worked at some org in US, before resigning. You also said, your visa expiring soon.. not clear.. are you trying to get a different employer stamping or renewing the visa expired?? if the later then you need the help of previous employer, If the former then you need papers from new employer.. go see consultants/brokers/embassy what is that is delaying.. Give what ever is lacking in documentation or otherwise.. having held an H1b or H4 visa earlier, visa validation is not difficult.. .. ( probably you also got job.. b/c i think it must be linked if it's a work visa..) once you get the visa you have crossed half the well..

Either way, your focus should be to get more independent, gather in strength. This will give you some positive outlook in you, clearly make you think what you want & guide you unlike in your present state of misery/24x7 thinking of him.. Your parents also saying the same thing, but you also confront them.. what to do.. right now you need lot of peoples to support you emotionally & financially.. so be friends with all, don't fight even if with parents. respect their opinion but do your own. Either way, DON"T be afraid to face the world.. you will come out stronger.. your at an young age, educated, us worked. don't let other's define how beautiful or fat your? say the opposite.. what you think is important.. not others. don't ever think your fat or otherwise.. don't sweat it. Don't go out looking for other guys disparately.. again all will play your weakness & convert to their advantage.. if you want to go look for guys.. first gather strength, positives, stand on your own, then you are ready... another abuser think twice before even talk to you or touch you.. Go girl, you have lot of thing good in you.. use your mind & pray god to give you that strength. Sure this storm will pass. Take some time to take your mind off in other activities like cooking, dance, travel or tuition or simply make more friends including trying in-laws if there near.

Write to ILites how you feel after some time, keep updated.

lovelybird · Apr 5, 2013

Hi all,

Finally i have taken a decision to move on.I have been in touch with my husband from past few months and almost it looked like we ll be together again...we were having a conversation and i just questioned him back and it wasnt a big deal even...but stil he made it a big issue and said he cant give lifelong commitment and he said i havent changed a bit and if in case a fight happens again he want to end the relation and for that even i should agree.I felt upside down with his remarks.Until then i was feeling everything ll be set and my wait for almost one and half yr ended positively...when my parents met them ,they continuously blamed me .My parents were finally fed up with them and said its upto me if i want him still and such life with him...I have tried again talking to him and he said he cant it anymore and wanted to separate.
having said this neither he files for divorce nor takes any step further.And having got his permanent residence of another country,he said he would be leaving this month.He said if i am okay with mutual divorce then he wants to discuss on it ..I am not knowing his behaviour.Neither he stays with me nor files for a divorce.Still gives updates on when he is leaving.My parents are worried that my issue will not be solved if he leaves and it would be difficult to reach him again since he would not return for atleast 2 yrs from now.So they asked me to file for divorce.I was left with no option than to agree...even after putting sincere efforts past few months,still he points me ,even i am fed up with him..but not able to take the big step.My parents have finally decided on behalf of me ,said its not good to still request and beg him for this relation and i might have a better future than being with him.
We went to advocates and all ...they said its better to file a criminal case to stop hiim from leaving the country and to get back the expenses of marriage.Meanwhile we also tried taking mutual divorce,but they quoted a very minimal amount almost like 2-3 percent of the entire marriage expenses.Going to the advocates office...writing all the happened things in my marraige...i am really getting emotionally tired with all this...am feeling like i dont want to file any criminal case on him but the lawyer is asking me why am i not thinking abt my parents who had put in their hard earned money into marriage and just thinking about welfare of person who left you...even i dont have an answer for his question...i feel i dont have that much anger on him to file a criminal case on him.THough he bet me couple of times when we wereliving together i am afraid anything against i ll do ... i might lose him...i guess even now i am feeling the same...i am feeling like if i file a criminal case on him...it might completely break my relation and also him...and out of his attitude i know he ll react very wildly...the things have started in the legal way like documentation and all and still am feeling like i am reacting wrongly or this is not what i want...
from beginning i am against divorce and now the situation he created is compelling me to take the step.everyone is advising me to not drag this issue anymore and file fr divorce.But am totally worried.Sometimes i feel i can be without him forever,and life without him is good...sometimes some mornings when i get up i feel so depressed and feel like messaging him .No matter what happens he just blames me...he says only since i did that way he is leaving me or since i had said something he is taking this step etc etc....I have asked him many a times and he is saying since i didnt change and am still nagging him though he thought of being with me now has changed his plans again...i mean he made a very small thing a big issue...he should not have any criminal cases aagainst him in the 2 yrs of his permanent stay to get citizenship...if at all he takes me with him and if in case i do something against him,he might end up losing his citizenship and i am feeling just becaus of this he doesnt want to take any risk of taking me with him.
The only anger i have on him is he never tries to understand me...no matter how much i care for him...he just points me on my weight and attitude...i mean i should not ask him any question or pose a reply to him...if at all this happens he shows hell to me....I am not having any anger feelings on him now...i know he has ruined my life but not able to get over him..Now even he is asking me why am i after him if i am complaining so on him.He says there is no mistake in him but am after him because i have no option left with me and not out of love.
I am worried about this civil and criminal case...i dont want to file divorce case by myself...if at all he files i thought of not accepting it....even if then things doesnt change i thought of ending up it...but now situation is like only i have to file it as if i want to break this relation.he is making this happen...and i hate him for it.
I am feeling atleast the expenses my parents has put in marriage should be returned and other than that i am not expecting anything now but my advocate is saying only civil case ll not work and takes ages.Why am i being so soft for a person who has left me and is still leaving for his own career...
My husband said he is ready to separate and also he is also okay with not filing for divorce if at all i ll not agree for divorce.He said if at all i reduce my weight and change my attitude and after some time if i ask him he ll again come back for me...i am fed up of all this...not knowing how to think about him...if at all i said i have changed...he ll test me...some point i ll get irritated and if i reply back he ll start an issue and says he doesnt want to stay with me....i am feeling like i cant set right my life...have to reduce...have to get a job...have to get technically strong...have to again think of guys and marriage...i am not sure if i can feel anything for anyone again...
Please IL'ites...help me think on my issue ...

pm86 · Apr 5, 2013

Dear Lovelybird,
After reading this I was able to see my future before my eyes.
Guys like this who are not interested in married life do like this. If they feel that they are not happy with us, they become selfish and they think its better to stay separate.
Also they do not want to take pains/spend money by initiating divorce unless its mutual. They can stay alone and independent in their own world caring for no one. They know that at some point we will go for divorce since we cannot stay like them forever.
Guys like them also think that they are right in whatever they do and they feel like they already compromised a lot for wives(by sacrificing bachelor life). So they cannot take anymore nagging or complaints.
At this point relation is so sensitive that any one issue or argument leads back to square one and guys feel that we never change and marriage is irreparable.
Its very very difficult to change their mind and it takes long time, while waiting you should be very careful not to nag him or argue or question him if you want him (remove every expectation from him). Do not get irritated or react when he tries to test you. Its very difficult and needs the patience. Patience is the key factor which helped many women in their marriages to work better.

One thing I learnt is never point husband or try to prove him that he is wrong. It will get him pissed off. And never keep even a min expectation at this point from him.
All is in your hands, do what you want( you have already waited for so long , no guarantee he will accept the relation)
If you do not want to wait anymore, please take a step and go for divorce. I heard if you stay separate for 1 year its a good ground for divorce and also mutual divorce is easy to get in USA.
As for filing cases I donot recommend unless you have proofs. Otherwise he will keep grudge on you and ruin your life by dragging your case. Then you will not able to start a new life and get struck in courts.
Focus on your life and get a job then you will find solutions.
Hopefully you will able to get out of all your problems.

soulful · Apr 6, 2013

I am sorry dear, It is difficult going through all this and I really didn't know what

to say - until I read your last line

that he will accept you if you reduce your weight and change your attitude.

Sweetheart, please think - is it really worth pining for a person who says he

can't accept you for what you are? Is it worth waiting for a person who judges

you for your weight and other physical attributes?

Ok, say - you reduce your weight and become the soft mellow person he

wants... what is the guarantee that he will not look for other flaws in you?

today it is the weight, tomorrow it will be small eyes and day after it could

be a thick toe nail - you seeing where I am going with this?

There are men out there who accept you for your heart and yes, you do have a

lovely heart as I can see from the fact that you don't want him to suffer even

after what he has put you through.

you deserve better, girl and you will get it- if only you let your past go. Let go

sweetheart. A beautiful future is waiting for you.

I can't comment on what legal alternatives you have, or must go for.. but what

I can say is if you don't let the Sun set today, you will never be able to see the

beautiful Sunrise tomorrow morning.

prettydevil · Apr 6, 2013

lovelybird... hugs to you....

your husband is serioulsy spineless. How can he just leave this country keeping your life at stake. God will seriously give him back one day.

Good that your parents do support you. if you are filing for a divorce, how does it matter to you that it will affect his PR. Infact it is good, he will learn a lesson before spoiling any other girl's life like this. Do not spare or pity him sweety. He has ruined your life, your feelings, your parents feelings. Also make sure that your lawyer takes the divorce amount (that he is charging you) from your husband.

Dont be under the impression that he is not giving you divorce means there are chances of him to turn back to you. No.... such guys will never change. He is just being lazy to find lawyer, file divorce, doesnt want to spend money and to make you weak so that you fall on his feet compromising on his foolish demands.

Stop giving in to him and make up your mind for once, no matter how muchever it is difficult. Keep yourself strong dear.

lovelybird · Apr 6, 2013

That is what is worrying me about....though i cut on my weight...and become the submissive girl he wants...he still ll have something to point in me...and irritates me...criticizes me and all...if at one point if i just ask him or point him back..he ll make my life miserable...and again he ll bring things to square one...again i have to request him beg him...ask him to think about the relation and all..he is behvaing as if he is doing a great favour to me by giving another chance...he only asks me the solutions,...if at all i say any solution he ll not like it...though he likes it he tests me ...if at all by chance if i fail on what i have committed atleast by 1 percent even..he will start the process of making me feel guilty and says he is leaving because of me and in reverse blames me for playing with his emotions....i am getting sick of all this...inspite this i am not feeling like breaking this...always i believe in my intuition and follow it..now i am not knowing what to do...i dont have any proofs as such...against to point him...there used to be he just deleted them knowing that i saved them ....he is very cautious rite from beginning...i didnt know this...so i never used to keep any proof safe...i feel he is foolish spoiling his life and mine as well...his parents also ask me how come i am having hope still, on this relation...i am getting so angry with god why is he making me go through all this...i dont like divorcing and take the step... still hoping and searching for any chance of reviving the marriage..i am feeling so bad that i have become a burden to my parents..even my visa which is still under processing ...got rejected ...my documents were sent back..i dont know why am i being punished in every area only at this point of time...my career is not doing good...i was diagnosed with pcod and not able to reduce my weight in a fast way...my personal life is gone....still i just cry upon but not able to do anything to change it...i read so many positive thinkingbooks...that change in me is only for a few days again some point i ll give up again...i am trying for a job in my same place staying with my parents for a while ...but then i am feeling at this point i should move from this place ...lost my thinking ability...not knowing which is good and bad....feel like there should some be always to guide me and make me cross this situation...that solace i find here where i can let out my feelings and can get suggestions....
If i take a mutual divorce i ll end up with very very minimal amount,atleast i want to get my marriage expenses back and all that we have given him...all this is just thinking abt my parents hard earned money ...personally i am not interested in doing anything...just want to get my job then want to file for divorce if at all things dont change even by that time...but now i am not confident ...but situation is like he is leaving and ll not return for years...so i am forced to take a decision and file...my parents simultaneously are trying for mutual divorce through help of common relatives and all..but dont know ...last month at this time he behaved like he likes me and want to be with him...just a simple question on him changed him and brought him back to his original form...though my mistake is not there he constantly blames me and says since i have quesitioned him ,he is again thinking of divrce since i didnt change....if at all my husband is nice to me (thats rare exists only for few days)..my mother in law creates some problems and feeds in his brain...when she is good my husband ll find something to point and worry about...sometimes i get angry on my parents for searching such stupid relation for me who are mean in every way possible...i just feel my husband is a badly brought up person ..and i should somehow try making this successful...and make him love me...this ll not happen though how much i give up...
Again he called me and said he is thinking of the relation again and sicne my father went tto the common relatives for mutual settlement..he has given up on this relation and wuld want me to meet in court..I mean he blames and makes me feel guilty...says he has done that coz i have done like this...since i have not reacted he did like that...i mean after talking to him i always feel like i have done something wrong and my parents arent approaching them in the right way...though my heart knows nothing happened as such..I guess its time to break my relation...i mean its just like one time he says he is thinking then again he says since we did that he is dropping again...i mean i am not understanding him..the time i have given up..he comes and talks nicely and again if i think abt him something happens and again he ll be back...and brings our relation to where it is..

laddo · Apr 6, 2013

first of all value yourself dear. as you said your husband wants you to change your attitude n weight n all, it seems he has some picture of his soulmate n he is trying to fit you in that. you seem to be in love with him bt he is not as he is more bothered abt his citizenship. so why stay with such a person..
secondly i will go with the advocate suggestion.you should file a criminal case so that he does not flies off. you both got married, issues are with both of you so why you alone should suffer, n not alone actually your parents too..pls think abt them. they are the one with you from your birth and he has come in your life in some time.
dont take decisions when you are too emotional...

rose2000 · Apr 6, 2013

Dear girl,
Hugs to you. Don't loose your confidence. He is a sadist, making you feel miserable, guilty and getting satisfied from that. You have not done anything wrong in this relationship . It takes 2 to take it work and 2 to break it too. So don't blame yourself. I am sorry to say this, but it doesn't look like he loves you. If a person is in love no matter what and how the person looks like, what flaws they have , they will always love and won't try to find any fault in them. Looks like your friends suggested, you should move on.
Regarding filing criminal case, don't go against your gut feeling. The lawyers would say whatever they want as they want to get more money as fees. If it is a mutual divorce they won't get that much fees because the case will end soon. If it is a criminal case , the case will drag for years and you need to show solid proof and the hearing and court dates might drag and you will end up paying more than what your parents spent for your wedding in lawyer fees.
at the end of the day you need to think and decide what you want from this relation, the money you lost or peacefulness. If it is the 2nd , i would suggest you to go with mutual divorce and be done with it . If you want to take revenge and get all the money you lost , then you can file for case and go the longer route.But you should have the energy , money and time to do this and should be emotionally strong.

Good luck to you girl. May god bless you.!