What is the right step, how to not get befooled again?

perplexed · Mar 12, 2013

Ok friends

I have some new issues in my life.

As mentioned in my last thread, my husband has been trying to control the money I spend and is not at all warm towards my family. Since marriage I saw a different face of his, than what he was before marriage. We were never happy, constant arguments, ego clashes etc etc. He is very much in control of his parents. But despite everything I kept giving time for things to settle. He did not have stable job until about 3 years after marriage, so I thought may be it was causing insecurities because of that

Few months back we had a very bad fight for petty amount I was sending to my parents. That blew me off and I finally announced to my folks what has been going on. The biggest issue I faced with my husband over years has been that he decides something else with me and then shows his back after talking to his parents. AND THEN HE DOES ONLY WHAT THEY SAY. He used to keep telling me sending anything to girls parents is not a part of their culture despite the fact I majorly took financial responsibility of house until he got on his feet and even after he got a job he refused making contributions to the house, conveniently saying , since we had fights”it did not feel like home to him. Basically he knew how to turn a back on his responsibilities but knew where he had to interfere on my spending. We had really really bad fights over money as small as spending $10 on my side of family. It started very early in the marriage. In addition he tried to control every aspect like my calling my parents, how I talk, how many times I call, ….he basically wanted me to loosen the ties I had as much as possible. All the talks revolved around we are boys family, this is what my mom does, this is what u r suppose to do, u r married blah blah. I even stopped making any new friends etc because of his possessive behavior. I felt really really suffocated

Anyway finally I took a stand saying that ok if money is so important….from now on we will not give or take anything from my parents and I will take nothing from their property. He said he was fine. Then he went to india and again got brainwashed by his parents. They came to know the entire saga and now he says he has no objections in me giving anythung to my folks as ofcourse they cant let go of the property. The thing is I feel they are after money and again it’s the same, his parents washed his brain and he is doing what they are telling him. He did the same thing, forgot all the promises he made to me and was a totally different person after marriage and even worse on our trips back home. Although he has mellowed down a lil bit now as I was ready for divorse ……..but I just don’t trust him due to his changing colors. He even told my brother that he is instigating me, when the fact is his parents did that all this while and when I unfolded the truth in front of my family my brother said he would stand for my happiness even if I want to step out of the marriage . My brother was the one who made everyone agree for this marriage in the first place for my happiness. We have had such bad fights and his behavior in front of his parents makes me feel very unloved and unsafe. I don’t want to be with a person who is after money and doesn’t actually love me. What do u think I should do, step back from what we decided?? Or stand strong and judge him?

Appreciate your taking out time to read this

Mahajanpragati · Mar 12, 2013

hi,
do your parents need your financial support..........if yes,then you need to talk to your hubby.if No then please don't spoil your married life by trying to do something he resents............your parents & brother will not want you to spoil your married life because of them.

i am sure you share your problems with your parents(any problem) & their suggestions are such which favour you..............same with him.he also shares his problems with his parents & their suggestions will support him which unfortunalely are not acceptable to you......keep open mind & try to understand his point of view..............if you are financially helping your parenst when they don't need your help then your hubby has every right to question your action............

your parenst are not dividing their property NOW,so don't fight over something which you don't even have.......yes,you may get it in future but why make any claims now..........

You supported your hubby for initial years of married life......great.......that is what couples are for .......to help & support each other ........but don't expect return of that support .

you did and are doing your duty towards your hubby & he has duty towards you ........but in his eyes that duty is towards you only & not your parents....you can't change that thinking so better adjust & work towards a stronger married life.......

SGBV · Mar 12, 2013

If you are working, and capable of contributing for your own family's financial needs/wants and luxuries and then you have the desire of helping/gifting your folks, and that too they are in need or expecting from you... please go ahead.

If your husband on the other hand NEVER EVER support his own folks, and insist you to follow the same as a couple, and you THINK that's the best way, then please don't do it.

Whatsoever, follow your heart...!!!

I am sure your husband or his folks can not beat you or physically abuse you, given the fact that you seem to be intolerable for such inhumane acts. If that's the case, then you just IGNORE your husband's voice... Because it is NOT his own voice/talk, rather he is just repeating what his parents have to say.

As a married woman, you are expected to listen to follow your HUSBAND. Not his parents and whomsoever. If you are clear that your husband is not the one who stands on his own feet, but depend on his parents.. Simply it shows he is NOT matured enough to be a husband, or to be married. In that case, bilaterally you become the decision maker... and thus can decide on your own.. at least till your husband grows up.

Don't depend on him or his words.... You are a wife, earning member, and as you said it is you who bears majority of your family's responsibility. This is fair enough to consider you as the head of your family, and make decisions accordingly. Don't wait till your husband approves this.

Eraser · Mar 12, 2013

Don't blame his parents unless you are 100% sure. He might pretend as if under his parent's influence - but may not be true. Many escape quoting parents and for all you might know, he would be doing similar things with his parents quoting you.

Like, his parents may not be directly interested in your future property share - he would have told them all story that you said no share because of him stopping you etc., and they would have adviced him to behave if he needs that share.

guesshoo · Mar 12, 2013

Hiya,

I don't understand one thing OP, you seem to be a strong, independent girl. Your H comes across as a controlling meanie. One of the first things emotional abusers do is get the victim to cut off ties with friends and family, thereby denying them their support network. Then the real abuse will begin.

He is emotionally and financially abusing you already. Bluntly, I am asking you to please evaluate this. What is the reason that a smart independent girl wants to stay on to this suffocating relationship with a man who changes his colours now and again?

Good luck
G

perplexed · Mar 13, 2013

Thanks friends for pouring in your thoughts.

1) Yes he sends money for his parents and all their needs and I never stopped him
2) for years monetary stuff affected our marriage a lot but despite everything he stood strong that I was not allowed to send anything.
3) I know his parents are a part of it as they are very money minded. He admitted this a couple of times that they had a conversation with him, the first time I bought some thing for my dad, he said I have to show first to his parents before giving and that he wont stand with me, as his parents wont like it.
4) My demands were never high, i always kept his family's needs even above ours and I made adjustments even knowing he was wrong/ stepped back from his words thinking there should be peace in family. But even when I wanted t spand petty $200 after 3 years, he coined me a bad wife and a bad DIL and said I gave him nothing in this marriage....just to show his anger. He sends lakhs to his parents with or without discussing with me. This is when I am a professional and earn a handsome amount.
5) I helped him and he happily accepted financial favors forgetting about society even before marriage, n right after he started giving me lessons of what his mom did, n that its an insult if I give or my parents accept anything as per indian standards
6) I thought over years things would change but they did not. Again its the same....this time also I told him clearly when we decided that I wont give or take anything that he MUST NOT turn his back on me when this is revealed in front of his folks and he again did the same.
7)Although after this divorse drama when things were discussed in front of both families, some lines have been drawn but i know what he was before, how he changed his face after marriage, how mean he got for things he wanted, how he misinterpreted anything my folks said to build his supremacy and scare me. I tried to change, tried to see his perspective, tried to adjust but the more i did, the more he applied his rules on me. For any issue I had with his parents, I was the one always wrong. For every situation he saw how it was affecting him

Finally I blew out, when I revealed things he kept blaming me I unfolded secrets of family, never took the responsibility that f things were going so wrong he should have taken steps to fix them. There is a certain degree of trust needed between husband and wife, but I feel he will see his own interests and have the same double standards. I have been independent but at the same time overly sensitive and I loved him a lot. I always kept his needs above my desires. But now I feel I have been fooled and I dont want the same thing to happen in future. At the same time if there are things I can correct about myself and save this relation, I want to do that.

Money is important for him and i want to eliminate that but yet I want to serve my very old parents regardless or whether they need my help or not as I do owe a duty towards them. This is basic humanity.

perplexed · Mar 13, 2013

Thanks friends for pouring in your thoughts.

1) Yes he sends money for his parents and all their needs and I never stopped him
2) for years monetary stuff affected our marriage a lot but despite everything he stood strong that I was not allowed to send anything.
3) I know his parents are a part of it as they are very money minded. He admitted this a couple of times that they had a conversation with him, the first time I bought some thing for my dad, he said I have to show first to his parents before giving and that he wont stand with me, as his parents wont like it.
4) My demands were never high, i always kept his family's needs even above ours and I made adjustments even knowing he was wrong/ stepped back from his words thinking there should be peace in family. But even when I wanted t spand petty $200 after 3 years, he coined me a bad wife and a bad DIL and said I gave him nothing in this marriage. He sends lakhs to his parents with or without discussing with me.
5) I helped him and he happily accepted financial favors forgetting about society even before marriage, n right after he started giving me lessons of what his mom did, n that its an insult if I give or my parents accept anything as per indian standards
6) I thought over years things would change but they did not. Again its the same....this time also I told him clearly when we decided that I wont give or take anything that he MUST NOT turn his back on me when this is revealed in front of his folks and he again did the same.
7)Although after this divorse drama when things were discussed in front of both families, some lines have been drawn but i know what he was before, how he changed his face after marriage, how mean he got for things he wanted, how he misinterpreted anything my folks said to build his supremacy and scare me. I tried to change, tried to see his perspective, tried to adjust but the more i did, the more he applied his rules on me. For any issue I had with his parents, I was the one always wrong. For every situation he saw how it was affecting him

Finally I blew out, when I revealed things he kept blaming me I unfolded secrets of family, never took the responsibility that f things were going so wrong he should have taken steps to fix them for 3 long years. There is a certain degree of trust needed between husband and wife, but I feel he will see his own interests and have the same double standards. I have been independent but at the same time overly sensitive and I loved him a lot. I always kept his needs above my desires. But now I feel I have been fooled and I don't want the same thing to happen in future. At the same time if there are things I can correct about myself and save this relation, I want to do that.

Money is important for him and i want to eliminate that but yet I want to serve my very old parents regardless or whether they need my help or not as I do owe a duty towards them. This is basic humanity.

guesshoo · Mar 13, 2013

perplexed said: ↑

At the same time if there are things I can correct about myself and save this relation, I want to do that.
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My dearest OP,

You have been really wonderful and forgiving. Your husband has been misusing your good nature and is making your life hell. From this statement above, I deduce that he has reduced you to such an extent that you think you are doing something wrong that needs to be corrected!

No sweetheart. You can't change him. Please read up about emotional and financial abuse. Abusers talk sweetly, later lay guilt trips on you for being yourself, chip away at your foundation, then destroy every bit of your self confidence that you have no idea anymore about what is normal and what isn't.

I saw your other post where you say that your folks will support you if you leave this relationship. Please leave before his abuse escalates. Pull away your salary from the joint pot and move out. He is never going to "understand" how wonderful you were. He is incapable of it (sounds like a narcissist - please to read up about that too)

All the best
And hugs!

Memories · Mar 13, 2013

Dear Op,

Do you love him that you cannot live without him? If No, then please run for your life...You deserve much more than this dude.

Good luck!

nicegirlradhi · Mar 13, 2013

perplexed said: ↑

Money is important for him and i want to eliminate that but yet I want to serve my very old parents regardless or whether they need my help or not as I do owe a duty towards them. This is basic humanity[/B].
Click to expand...

I stand with every letter of this sentence OP. i am unable to give any advise for your situation other than pray for you. stay strong. your H and in laws are money minded and control freaks. No point in not supporting your parents just because they are making long faces.