Restrictions/dresscode to some married Indian women - very unfortunate

Oh Luna, I am sorry to hear that your ex-MIL had a problem with your race. I hope that you're in a better place than when in your marriage, now.

 

Hi OP,

I too just had all the restrictions imposed on me. 100% or even more.

I had to wear saree everyday even at home. And wearing a nightie at home was a strict no no! ... imposed even by my Ex. Though i wear churidars only and dont wear jeans, etc, still these restrictions. It was really irritating because these conditions were imposed to me strictly by hubby more than PILs. Disgusting.

I was educated and having a PG degree, but still was not allowed to work. When i told them politely that i want to proceed with a career on my own, FIL told, 'its not necessary for us to live with your earned money!!!! ... (as if i was going to give him whatever i earned)', even my hubby went to the extent of burning the applications which i had kept ready for posting. :rant

And conditions were imposed on me, 'wherever i go, i have to seek permission, and that too have to be back before 6 in the evening', reasons were, ghost will get into a girl (when newly married) if the girl is out after 6!!!! ... :bonk

Being a female, i should not drive (SIL drives, conditions are only for DIL).
Should not sleep after 6, should not rest in between, should not have a nap in the evening, etc etc....... list crosses 100. (Will list all when i have time).

I went on an on till i felt depressed.... and suicidal .... One day out of frustration, took some sleeping pills and went to loooong sleeeeeeeep ....
After that no one in that house dares to talk to me or impose conditions on me. Of course i moved out.

 

I am. Thank you.

She only had a problem with my race because of my relationship with her son. She had no problem with his white friends, male or female, but his marrying someone who wasn't Indian was simply intolerable to her. I think that's because she wanted to arrange her kids' marriages like hers had been arranged. Her oldest went and made her "job" more difficult, I guess.

 

What can I say! For all that we Indians complain about racism against us, we are a pretty racist, casteist bunch ourselves.

In Eastern cultures in general, much is expected of the DIL and much of that antagonism towards you may have been a fear that you (could have been someone from any culture other than her own within India) wouldn't be as "DIL-ly", whatever that is. The DILs are expected to be super-human while their daughters are supposed to be delicate darlings who have to be waited upon by everyone in their lives. Or at least, there is that secret hope. It is a matter of joy when SIL is a "good" husband. But when the son is? Lord have mercy! While all the while asserting that their child was raised much better than the DIL... You get the picture. I am not saying that this is true of all Indian MILs. But I think this is fairly accurate of your average Indian MIL. It is changing but not fast enough. Even many MILs who claim to be liberal and fair are closet conservative and unfair. At least parts of them. I have had arguments with my mother about this. I have seen my MIL be this way. The scary part? They are both really fairly liberal and liberally fair women.

I hope that this will change in your average educated family, in the next generation.

I don't understand why they can't just be proud that they raised their son to be so respectful of all people, regardless of gender, when he is a good husband. Well, apparently not in your MIL's case, as her son went and had an affair while being married. Oh how I hope for a son whom I can shape up to be responsible and kind and honest so that his wife will thank me for it! She doesn't really have to thank me but I'll settle for not abusing me saying I raised a brat . Ooooh, may be I don't want a son after all. I'll probably get abused anyway... Musings of a maverick mind.

 

I've got one of each... Heaven only knows how it will go when they grow up!

Oddly, he was a good husband, at first. in fact, we managed almost three years together, nearly one married, with no issues, until one day we had a fight bad enough that I left the house to clear my head. It was over naming traditions (I wanted some input in naming our unborn child. Gods forbid.) and my refusal to move in with his parents (for many reasons!). All of a sudden, a cascade of issues. We never recovered, between his sudden NEED to be The Perfect Mama's Boy, his affair, and his newfound disrespect toward me that continued even after we split up and I moved out.

 

For me.. apprently no dress code apart from SHORTS being banned.. conveyed by H much in advance.
She once mentioned.. in our metro city suits is max wht ppl wear.. I said OK :bowdown:bowdown.. once she insisted on me wearing saree and my H told me to get off the car.... He never did it again :hide: whenever I was told to wear saree.

Latest DILs in this extended house are into skin show in hosiery clothes of total comfort and am an AUNTY in front of them.


MIL herself doesn't put bindi, jewellery, toe rings, makeup.. is 80% time in nightie (2 for alternate day) and only 1 set of slipper.

It rarerly helped me.
Cos whatever I applied and did was percieved as a process to appear better than her to steal her son :bonk:bonk. She was brooding over her lost time and opportunities.

OP, your case can probably be... when the doc advises ice cream.. it looses the taste... even tho am comfortable but yes wearing saree everyday is a definite pain.. There should be no force.

 

yep i totally agree,what ever happened to rissy was unfortunate but yes why do we make such a big noise out of this?
my ILs have allowe me to wear anything but i personally dont like wearing jeans / skirts in front of them, after all they are our elders & if they think that by dressing appropriately ( hmm.. another controvers, what is appropriate dressing...wron word ladies but my voca is limited) we are respecting them then why shud anyone hav any problem.
by the way my MIL routinely wears sleeveless & deep neck kurtas & blouses but asked me to change when i once wore a sleeveless kurta in front of her. it didnt matter that my BIL (her elder son) had gifted that kurta in front of her & I had refused saying i dont wear sleeveless, bu t she insisted i ake it. and when i wore it in front of her i ws asked to chnage.
both me & my hubby eneded up laughing after this incident (of course when my ILs were gone)

really why shud we compare ourselevs to men, i think leaving a job whenever one likes it is one of the biggest advantages of being a woman, it is the hubby who has the primary responsibility to earn for the fanily atleast in the Indian scenario & so i can leave my job whenevr i want to & sit at home. my poor DH cant, no matter whether he likes the job or not..

 

I don't think it's a matter of comparing ourselves to men. It's more a matter of wanting and deserving to be treated with respect and dignity because we are human beings. We should all have that right, regardless of gender or age.

 

To all of the ladies, who posted about dress restrictions, did you ever try to get the restricted dress and wear it in the bedroom and try to convince your DH, how beautiful you look in that dress?

 

Hi i feel i too had sort of even more than this......the mental abuse with unwanted words, physical torture and all..... Now i m trying to come out of that life as its in court......but still they drag so much that i shd suffer even more.....no words to explain my pain.... Why the hell these inlaws and men behave as though they came from different world....heck i heard all words which all should not come from husband and inlaws.....just trying to erase my marriage and that life from my mind....even though we celebrate womens day howany of us really have a grwat and wonderful happiest womenhood?