Separated from violent husband....working towards getting back into my old self

omnam · Feb 25, 2013

varah said: ↑

Dear Wondergirl,

Ur case is same as mine. I married this guy leaving my job behind. Travelled to xyz place to live and i dont remember even a day when I was not crying. Same as you described, breaks doors to laptop to phones, cut himself, pour petrol over himself.. with severe character assasination. His only job is to judges me 24 hrs putting my emotions into tests. I even went to counselling ( just me alone) to correct myself if I am overreacting. But still I could never control him even with patience, affection. Day by Day he was getting worst. As you mentioned, he makes me cry even before marriage but elders convinced me that we will be fine after marriage. My relationship with him always used to be a patient in ICU. There was one breaking point when I did not go back to him (as I always do), within three months he presented me with divorce.

Why I want to write to you is - Many people would not understand when we say that he does like this like that - for them everything is "anger". Scientifically, this is for sure "Mental disorder". By God's grace, his mental disorder has been diagnosed & confirmed by court authorities and I was requested not to live with him even if he agrees to live together as he would kill me.

I am running to court now every month doing everything single-handedly ( my parents washed off their hands though mine is 100% arranged marriage because they dont want to take the blame in any way). I am living alone. There is nothing left that i could face worst in life.. all sorts all flavors..

The parents of such men 100% know that their son has psychological disorder. When i asked my FIL as why they ruined my life getting married to their psycho son, he replied that it is "my ill fate that i married their son" which he can't help and that we should have properly "enquired" before marriage. (long live FIL).

I am at good position , earning well by all God's grace with no affection / shoulder to lie and cry on. Let me see where life takes me..my karma..

If you want to know anything that is related to divorce in your case, I would be able to guide you.
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Wow...u r a brave gal. I feel J seeing you...you are so couregous.... I dont have guts to stand alone even when my parents are supportive.

Please dont feel lonely. Give ur contact number and email ID.....i will talk to u so much then u will not find time for yourself. I am sure u have beautiful life after leaving this crap.

I will pray for u that everything will be fine soon. It is just phase of life, its just test of ur patience and strength. I see u shin like diamond even when u r going thro dark phase of life.

sarada30 · Feb 25, 2013

dear wonder girl,

very sorry for your past life

may god bless you with a good life

vijaybhas007 · Feb 28, 2013

Yes,u are right, life is much more than failed marriage, life is superb, u will get a second chance, do not worry and u will be happy for sure...

Jaffareddy · Feb 28, 2013

Congrats wonder gal for coming out from d hell.....Wish u a very good luck for u

Indigo88 · Feb 28, 2013

As others have stated, this is all in the past, the past is gone, just start with a clean slate.

Focus on your own life, your own goals, career, what makes you happy and share time your family and friends.

Good luck.

rose2000 · Mar 1, 2013

Congrats for coming out of the mess and so good to hear that you are working towards finding happiness.
Good luck to you.

Wondergirl137 · Mar 1, 2013

Thank you for writing and such kind words all.
I am just trying...taking one day at a time...have immersed myself in studying...working out...music....cooking...reading etc etc. Doing all that I could not do in the last one year.
Today in fact is technical one year of marriage. I don't even feel like calling it a marriage.....the whole family took the marriage and ritual as big joke.....sadly at the expense of my whole life.
Sometimes when I look back and remember their behaviour and complete cheapness....I fail to understand what makes people behave in such mean and selfish manner. I think maybe I am the one who is too naïve to understand the real world. Is the real world actually this much mean and selfish??
What makes someone from a family of only females (sisters and cousins) behave in such a beastly manner with his own wife/ daughter-in-law? Why do they do it? Why do parents and sisters of such men protect their son in spite of knowing all his wrong doings? Is there nothing called even basic humanity in such people? A wife and DIL is expected to behave in full filmi way and what she gets in return?? Infidelity, abuse and violence?
I want to hate all of them but even doing that is too much load on my mind...I just feel indifferent to them. I wish I could erase the past one year from my life.
Todays date brought back lots of memories.

gyaandxb · Mar 1, 2013

Wondergirl and Varah, its brave women like you who stand as an inspiration for all the women putting up with nonsense of some form in the name of marriage ! I admire your courage to put your foot down on such cowards and take charge of your life.
You both make women proud !

God bless you both with immense happiness and peace. Take care.

varah · Mar 2, 2013

Hi omnam,

Thank you for your kind words. I could not send you PM as shud have done 10 posts last month. Let me know how could we get in touch.

Wonder girl - I could not read your pm due to lack of posts. Let me know how to get in touch with you.

destinedfate · Mar 3, 2013

I too am separated from my husband and can relate to all your experiences you wrote. I have never seen someone get so angry as he did.. he used to get angry over the stupidest little things. I am lucky that he never raised a hand on me.. but it was always a fear I had that after he gets tired of kicking and punching things.. it could be me next. When close family and friends found out details of why we are separated NO ONE seemed to understand the anger issue.. all they asked was "well did he hit you" and when I replied with a "no he never raised a hand on me" they reply "so whats the big deal then?" Getting angry to the extent where to punch things, kick doors, throw things, hit your head against a wall is NOT NORMAL. Honestly if I didnt see these things with my own eyes.. I probably would read your post and think if people with that much anger really exist in this world.. but after being in the same room as someone yelling screaming throwing things.. time after time incident after incident, I have realized that many people do not understand unless they are in that situation.

Now being an adult I know what I think is right and what I think is wrong. There are many instances which I was little and I see what my parents, grandparents, aunts & uncles do and felt that they were wrong, and felt that as an adult I dont want to repeat those things. So when I hear that oh maybe they grew up seeing that and feel its okay.. I dont agree that its okay in all cases. As you grow and mature you develop your own thoughts and ideas and it doesnt mean you agree or accept everything you have seen while growing up. In extreme anger cases like these.. why would you become the monster you saw as a child?

In my case I blamed my inlaws as well for his anger issues. My so called husband would be throwing things breaking things and be completely out of control and all my mother in law would do is.. "nooo my son, dont do this beta, you will get hurt" like he was 5 years old! He is close to 30 years old now. Honestly I have had instances before marriage where I would show a bit of attitude to my parents or take anger out at home because of something work related.. my mom and dad used to tell me at that time to get my act together now I am older and living in their house I cannot act like that and they will not tolerate it. In their case they just baby him for everything instead of telling him to stop behaving that way. I blame them to an extent too, I am sure they knew how their son is.. why in the world did they even let him get married to me.. not or even warn me once about his behavior? Parents think that once their child is married magically all their bad habits will go away because their spouse will make it go away.. it works nothing like that.

Initially I used to be so mad.. thinking why me? When we first separated and I was home.. I became so depressed to a point where I had to see a therapist and had to deal with my issues. I see now marriage isnt everything.. but for women we put in everything we can to try to make it work.. and lose our identities while doing that.. trying to make a failed marriage work is so draining physically mentally and emotionally, that while focusing on that we lose everything. I gave up my friends, family, career and moved to where my husband was living.. all I wanted in return was some love and respect while him and his whole family wanted me to bend over backwards for them. I used to cry and think why me? Out of everyone in this world why did I say yes to this guy? Now I am kind of happy it was me.. because I have the strength & support to get through this, if it was some other girl.. she may not have the strength or support she needed to tolerate them or to walk away and her whole life couldve been ruined living with people like them.

Thank you for sharing your courage and details. Reading these kind of stories makes me sad, and yet gives me so much strength at the same time. I really want to emphasize to the single women reading this.. DO NOT ignore any of the red flags you see before marriage, they will come back to haunt you. I was stupid in thinking things would change after marriage.. they rarely ever do.. infact it justs gets worse.