Relationship with DH after delivery

Hello dear,

" IS my marriage over??" You are wayyyy overreacting honey... I went to India for my delivery and came back after almost a year. When he came to visit me I felt the same you feel. And now i feel stupid about it.


Let me say how women and men deal with a situation like c section and baby.

Most important thing about your husband is " He will never treat you as his sexy wife for some time. Now he is looking at you as a respectable mother of his child. It will take some time for him to handle this overwhelming feeling"

We wives think " He is not feeling me attractive"

Husband - " He will be literally afraid to start a physical relationship now. C section scares them. They are sensible. Think of a situation like" Stitches loosened or opened, who you think will be blamed?"

Wives - We will think that he thinks we are fat and ugly.

Husband - The new kid will get almost 99% attention. They don't understand that we too need them.

Wives - Simply He doesn't care for me.

Your husband is the same great man you married. He is just confused and overwhelmed by the new member of the family. On the other hand you are really sensitive and needy. This is common for us women due to hormones, stress and sleepless nights.

It is not the relationship gap that occurred between you and your husband. It is the place you gave for the new baby in your life. Husbands always give way too much space for the kid. Wait for few months. Once you both started living together in same house with the kid everything will be ok.

He lived with you happillyyyyy for 5 yrs and going to forever... but think how much time he gets with the kid? Don't you feel bad for the poor father? Obviously his attention will be on the kid..

Don't expect him to handle or help with the child like we women do... A lot of time still now for my husband taking care of child is playing with her and entertaining her... teach him everything... guys don't learn these things overnight like us.

Other than this .. talk to him... Men have no idea what we are handling and how we are struggling... Don't blame him... He is just a guy who don't know what is happening with you.. talk to him with out any regrets... then you will see the difference....All the best

 

Hi aakansha
Although I don't have experience about dh's behavior after delivery but what I can get from your post, I don't think your husband seems like a insenstive guy.
You yourself mentioned that he is very helpful and is caring.
If he was not caring, your parents would have noticed, right, but you say they feel he is very caring.
What I feel is that you are missing him a lot and I think you should tell that to him. You have a baby and your parents for company and he is alone in a foreign country so it is a difficult time for him too.
He is also first time dad so he also has no idea what is expected of him, give him time.
If he is not sending SMS etc why don't you talk and tell him how much you miss and love him and want to be with him.
And I also feel you should talk with your gyanec about this, post part um depression is very common and she can offer you professional help which you need.
Love is not something which comes and goes, we have to work towards keeping that love alive, sometimes it is one partner who may drift , sometimes other, you need to understand he loves you but may be is feeling now he has additional responsibility as a father.he also would be confused about what is expected of him as a father.
I think you are having low self esteem due to weight gain, etc so my advice would be work towards getting a positive self image first, love yourself again and I am sure things would fall in place.
My best wishes to you.

 

HI sweetheart!

After pregnancy there are a lot of hormones raging through your body. Plus for the first time in your life you are putting the whims of another human being ahead of even your basic needs. Plus I'm certain your sleep schedule is totally out of order - what with waking up in the middle of the night to feed and soothe your infant!

I guess most new mums have been through something similar. You have had a blessed life until now. And now you are even more blessed with your little bundle of joy. Also, despite how close we are to our parents, the relationship we share with our respective husbands is in most cases special. I used to shed tons of tears if I had to stay away from my DH for even a day! You seem to really miss your husband.

I'm sure you'll agree how much ever you have read and prepared yourself for parenthood, it is when you are doing the practical things that you realize how hard the work is and how best to tailor what you have learnt to suit your particular infant.

If you feel really low for the reasons you have mentioned, chances are that you are going through some form of post partum stress. Do go to your doctor and admit that you have certain irrational, unhappy thoughts(believe me, that is what they are!) and ask her for suggestions.

Don't you worry about your figure yet. It really doesn't matter for now. It is important that you be happy. A happy person is the best parent.

Give your DH time to get used to the baby. And then, as Indianguy has suggested, give specific tasks to your DH to do. When you do, please remember that you have had 4 months practice at the hardest job in the world; he will need time to settle into it.

From my experience, even the most happily settled spouses take some time to adjust to a new baby and settle to a happy routine. Be patient and calm. You will certainly be the happiest family in the world in a very short while!

Love,
G

PS: Indianguy! I'm really upset about your views on us girls However, I really appreciate the fantastic points you have put through! Kudos!

 

I am sorry.

With all humility, let me admit, what I guessed as the way this thread would unfold, turned out to be wrong.

Second, I also agree that, at least in this thread, when I said every body would condemn the OP's husband, it is my prejudice. Hence I have deleted that sentence from the post no. 4 of me in the 1st page of this thread.

But, it is yet another fact that 'male bashing' has had happened in so many other threads in the past. Many a times I have been castigated when I said something in the husband's favour in other threads.

 

I already admited to my prejudice and have apologised for the same. Please see the post no. 14 above.

 

Looks like classic case of postpartum blues exacerbated by long distance.

Postpartum depression - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

I had gone through a similar situation. I went to nativewhen I was 3 months pregnant. My in-laws and my mom were there with me. But I was feeling lonely at times. Afterdelivery we all were happy and everybody was taking good care of me and mydaughter. He had come for my delivery and 28th day ceremony. But still I was feeling lonely at times. Evenhe used to call every day. But he wasn’t talking as usual.

Then we went back and later I asked him about it. Then hesaid “ You had all the family with you. Our daughter was there to make you happy andbusy .So I thought you were really happy. But I was all alone here with even seeing youand baby. I didn’t to make you sad. That’s why I didn’t talk much”. Poor guy.

Until he really experience the strain a new born gives hemay not realize it. So pl cill.

 

I have not read all the replies, so I'm sorry if I am repeating what someone has already said.

The Indian custom of going to one's parents' home for childbirth is a new one to me. I have often wondered if it is all that healthy. I think it's very important for husband, wife, and child bonding for all three to be together through pregnancy, labour and delivery, and immediately afterwards. Of course, this is not always possible, but it should be an absolute priority unless absolutely impossible.

OP, my guess is that your husband has no idea of how you're feeling or what exactly having a new baby entails, because he is not there. This is no one's fault. I don't think your marriage is over, but I also do not think it is entirely healthy for married people to be living apart (even though I know from reading these threads that a lot of new mothers go through this).

Physical distance between people, no matter how strong their bond, can lead to emotional distance. You have undergone a major change, and you are handling it all on your own. Childbirth will fundamentally alter your life, and your husband should be a full part of it, not an occasional visitor.

In fact, I feel sorry for your husband as well as you. Imagine how he must feel to be excluded (again, no one to blame here) from this momentous occasion, when he has more right than anyone else (including your parents) to share in it fully.

By the way, anyone know why this custom started, and why it persists? I'm interested in the logic behind it. Can you choose not to do this?

 

It's not a bug, it's a feature!!

:rotfl