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what did my friend do wrong in dealing with her daughter and son-in-law

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by BHAVNAM6, Oct 12, 2012.

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  1. Oct 12, 2012 #11
    emerald44

    emerald44 Bronze IL'ite

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    If your friend wants to be at her daughter's house then she has to live as per her daughter and son in laws comfort level only why does she want to have her way as such. and bringing home a baby need not be taken as a real serious or panicky situation. let the daughter set the things or your friend can ask her daughter where the things are placed.The daughter am sure is just a phone call away post her maternity leave.

    Sorry abt being blunt but i get a feeling that your friend in the pertext of her age, emotional attachment to the daughter and grand daughter wants to have her way at her daughter's place, I can be totally wrong here as I do not know her personally.

    In all my career I have never felt that a 1-2 month baby even knows leave alone bond or understanding the bonding of her/his dad , however it is the personal view of the new gen
     
    Last edited: Oct 12, 2012
    emerald44, Oct 12, 2012
    emerald44, Oct 12, 2012
    #11
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  2. Oct 12, 2012 #12
    fencesitter

    fencesitter Platinum IL'ite

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    its basically daughter's request, she wants her mother to be with her.
     
    fencesitter, Oct 12, 2012
    fencesitter, Oct 12, 2012
    #12
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  3. Oct 13, 2012 #13
    BHAVNAM6

    BHAVNAM6 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hello Emerald,

    Please do not forget my friend is a busy woman herself working full time. Her husband is working full time at the age of 60 and then cooking and cleaning for himself while my friend is gone.It is not a pleasure trip for her.She is staying there for helping them by their request only.while the kids are gone for all day for work and she has to manage everything for them.All she was requesting as provide her the environment in which she is comfortable doing all chores around the house. Is it too much asking by her?
    And yes my friend asked kids about how the things needs to be placed afterwards but kids did not seem to be very much enthusiastic as they wanted to take it easy in their weekend and sometime they even told her to manage by herself or not doing at all.
    Being 60 years old woman she was not ready to handle all work at once when she was going to be back. she wanted to use her time in this trip so she herself do not get panicked by overloading job.

    Being a concerned mom she is much worried to be prepared as her daughter has gone through miscarriage twice.

    I love to read feedback so do not worry about being blunt.

    Bhavna
     
    BHAVNAM6, Oct 13, 2012
    BHAVNAM6, Oct 13, 2012
    #13
  4. Oct 13, 2012 #14
    Anitap

    Anitap IL Hall of Fame

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    She is panicking that she will not be able to find things in an emergency.... So she can straighten out only the things that are related to the baby and get one room or half a room set up as a nursery and leave the rest of the house to the daughter's wishes.

    And of course the kitchen will be arranged as per her choice as she will be cooking for the baby and family.

    Also it will help if she clearly specifies / discusses with them what sort of emergency she is anticipating...

    And nowadays since most things are easily available, people are ready to buy one more of the same item rather than search spend time searching for it..... So it is a generation gap.....
     
    Anitap, Oct 13, 2012
    Anitap, Oct 13, 2012
    #14
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  5. Oct 13, 2012 #15
    anjanag

    anjanag Platinum IL'ite

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    I had the same issue when my mom visited me when I was expecting both my kids. She used to cook, clean and then get up early so she can give the bottle for the new born baby, so I could sleep. I used to get irritated because I wanted her to take some rest. I also was feeling guilty to make her do all the work. First time, we also kept arguing about this, but she won't listen to me. Second time, I was prepared better. I hired a cleaning lady who will clean bathrooms, vacuum floors, kitchen etc so mom doesn't have to worry about all that. Also hubby was better prepared second time. We ordered food the first few days from outside so mom will also get a break. I guess this struggle happens in every home.
     
    anjanag, Oct 13, 2012
    anjanag, Oct 13, 2012
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  6. Oct 13, 2012 #16
    freddycat

    freddycat Platinum IL'ite

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    BHAVNAM6,

    My friend used to the help her kids when they were single..but, refused to do the "house cleaning" service, once they have a family of their own.

    Her daugher is having tough time in managing her house and her husband (SIL), a typical spoiled brat, not helping wife in taking care of the household. Her daughter indirectly, looks for help from her mom.

    My friend's view --- kids can come and visit us when they have time. But, I will not go to their house, once they have family of their own. If I give them any room, knowing my kids.....they will make me their slave.

    I do agree with her...my son (single) once in 6-months, expects me to visit his place and clean/stock up/organize the apartment for him. I can imagine very well, once my son is married/settled, he will make me a nanny for his kids.

    Parents (mom) should know, when to cut the cord....otherwise, it will get sticky.
     
    freddycat, Oct 13, 2012
    freddycat, Oct 13, 2012
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  7. Oct 13, 2012 #17
    BHAVNAM6

    BHAVNAM6 Platinum IL'ite

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    Re: What did my friend do wrong in dealing with her daughter and son-in-law ?

    Hello Shyamala,

    You are absolutely right about overenthusiastic parents who do not want to step back in helping their kids. Kids do not want them to work in their house as they feel guilty about the fact that mom is working all day around the house.
    Often times kids do not like to give hand to their mom in household chores or running errands as they want to take it easy for everything.Now moms knowing this fact keeps on doing out of love.Mom is not going to stay for ever in kids house. I think kids being mature could overlook the small things which are only for TEMPORARY period of time. Eventually they are going to be benefited from mom's help and there is nothing for mom to accomplish for her own self.

    Bhavna
     
    BHAVNAM6, Oct 13, 2012
    BHAVNAM6, Oct 13, 2012
    #17
  8. Oct 13, 2012 #18
    BHAVNAM6

    BHAVNAM6 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hello Fencesitter,

    You are right that mom should do as much stuff as requested from the kids.Both generations look differently in taking steps to accomplish the task that is handling the whole situation during delivery.when mom is the one who has to perform 100% task then her request to cooperate would not be too much for 3-4 weeks only.

    I love to hear from this new generation and my generation. That is why I posted this issue in my thread. I am open to any kind of feedback from everybody.


    Bhavna
     
    BHAVNAM6, Oct 13, 2012
    BHAVNAM6, Oct 13, 2012
    #18
  9. Oct 14, 2012 #19
    BHAVNAM6

    BHAVNAM6 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Magee,

    I love to hear from young generation.

    My friend being a product of previous generation does not have comfort level if the things are not organized when she knows that she has to do everything at the time of delivery.She is pretty quick in doing her chores and is capable of running all the errands for them as well.Do you still think that to give a person comfortable environment where she can enjoy doing what she is doing and which is only for short period of time? Moreover you have peace of mind that someone trustworthy is taking care of you when you needed them badly.Mom does not have to accomplish in a given situation unless feeling of satisfaction for helping kids.


    Bhavna
     
    BHAVNAM6, Oct 14, 2012
    BHAVNAM6, Oct 14, 2012
    #19
  10. Oct 15, 2012 #20
    BHAVNAM6

    BHAVNAM6 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hello Priya,

    You are absolutely right. One can not function when she is not feeling comfortable.I think it is a team work and if they understand her comfort zone for just short period of time for their own benefit.

    Bhavna
     
    BHAVNAM6, Oct 15, 2012
    BHAVNAM6, Oct 15, 2012
    #20
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