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Financial issue.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by aammi105, Oct 9, 2012.

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  1. Oct 9, 2012 #1
    aammi105

    aammi105 New IL'ite

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    Hi All,
    I am married for 15 yrs. My husband doesn't believe in showing all his financial transactions to me, he doesn't give his password for banks. Nor he tells how much he sends to his home. Recently he sold some land which was brought by him and same time I sold portion of my ancestors property. We brought a house in india where I offered to give my sold property money. He took and invested in our joint name. Same time I was asking where his sold property money is, since I noticed his sis , brother , mom were behind that money. Finally he told he doesn't want to ask that money from my inlaws(all selling transaction was done by them,so they had that money since we stay abroad). So I told I don't want to give my money either...finally with his tight money schedule he TOLD he got 2 lakhs(he didn't show any transaction), and rest(3 lakhs) he paid on their monthly expenses. yesterday again I asked about it, he was shouting his BP is going up with my behavior and he will get chest pain b'coz of me. He started throwing things at home and saying we will soon die...etc. PS: My sis in law and MIL are very greedy, try to grab as much as they can..Now his screaming and yelling throwing things has become each time issue whenever I ask for any financial transactions..neither he gives me any information nor he shares any financial news. What will be best solution for me??.Thanks much!!.
     
    aammi105, Oct 9, 2012
    aammi105, Oct 9, 2012
    #1
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  2. Oct 9, 2012 #2
    steve

    steve Platinum IL'ite

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    Without financial transparency, don't give any of your money. Be smart. Nobody shd give money without accountability. Just hide it if you can not trust the person you are entrusting the money to.

    If the issue is 2 or 3 lakhs ($4 to 6k) there is not much need to make a fuss about it as he seems to be high on drama. You can not change much given his behavior. You may ask him to invest for kids' education with you as the owner(529 plans); ask him to get term life insurance (not whole life, as it's expensive and not a good deal, imo) at least enough to pay the mortgage on the home; etc etc.
     
    steve, Oct 9, 2012
    steve, Oct 9, 2012
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  3. Oct 9, 2012 #3
    aammi105

    aammi105 New IL'ite

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    Also he keeps on saying "Relationships are last on trust..i have to trust him"..but I don't feel like trusting him, based on my above msg..Am I making mistake?.
     
    aammi105, Oct 9, 2012
    aammi105, Oct 9, 2012
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  4. Oct 9, 2012 #4
    steve

    steve Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes, by and large. But it's also true that:

    • trust is a 2 way street
    • trust has to be earned; not demanded
    • demanding trust where an effort is not made to earn it is troublesome and is not deserved
    So you play along his game. You may need to put on a show of trust but keep your interests protected as the interests of the two of you are not 'aligned' and you can not reason with him. So it's he who closed the doors to 'understanding' and 'joint problem solving'. You should be 'guilt-free' to pursue that route.
     
    steve, Oct 9, 2012
    steve, Oct 9, 2012
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  5. Oct 9, 2012 #5
    eandian

    eandian IL Hall of Fame

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    :idontgetit: when he cant trust you with bank password how can he ask you to trust him with your money????
     
    eandian, Oct 9, 2012
    eandian, Oct 9, 2012
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  6. Oct 9, 2012 #6
    sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    To revive a cold-war phrase: "Trust, but verify".
     
    sokanasanah, Oct 9, 2012
    sokanasanah, Oct 9, 2012
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  7. Oct 9, 2012 #7
    foxybeat

    foxybeat Platinum IL'ite

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    My 2 cents...

    It seems to me like he knows that his parents are after his money and is probably not very happy about it. Did he willingly give the money to his parents or did they just take it ? There is a big difference in that. It seems that they have just taken it.
    Keep your money separate and don't give it to him since it seems to make its way to ILs pocket. Invest on our own taking his money if needed. Do not let him handle financial transactions via his family since its not straight forward.
     
    foxybeat, Oct 9, 2012
    foxybeat, Oct 9, 2012
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  8. Oct 9, 2012 #8
    ars

    ars Platinum IL'ite

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    Others have good advice.
    I want to ask about your h's bp and chest pain. Is he leading an unhealthy lifestyle. Does he really get sick when you ask about finances or is he faking it. If he is faking and threatening that he will die than you better tell him to get life insurance and you as the nominee. If he is really sick than you should tell him to get to a doctor ASAP.
     
    ars, Oct 9, 2012
    ars, Oct 9, 2012
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  9. Oct 9, 2012 #9
    hgulla

    hgulla Silver IL'ite

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    Just out of curiosity, do you earn here? do you both share you day to day expenses in US?

    There should some degree of financial trust of among couples. Finances are one of the major reason for problems among couples in US. I feel you should make him understand that you have a right to know his financial transactions when you give him your money with full trust. Trust is a two way street.
     
    hgulla, Oct 9, 2012
    hgulla, Oct 9, 2012
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  10. Oct 9, 2012 #10
    freddycat

    freddycat Platinum IL'ite

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    I agree, most issues between couple in US starts because of money. Best practice, give space to each other, and allow each other to spend money for their relatives, but set the limit of amount to be spent. Keep money in separate account if possible, and set a target mark to save every year. Time simply flies and in matter of time, kid(s) will be ready for college.
     
    freddycat, Oct 9, 2012
    freddycat, Oct 9, 2012
    #10
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