Abusive Husband

rojina · Sep 19, 2012

I have been the victim of domestic voilence since i got married in 2007.
I can never argue about anything with my husband if i opne my mouth then he gonna beat me till i get killed. Yesterday i just ran away and someone called 911 and cops came. I just told them that we have an argument no physica; abuse atall. I lied to protect his carrier. He is a physician here and i just stay at home do nothing beside cleaning his apartment and making food for him. Cops tried to convince me that one day he gonna kill you and plead me to tall the truth. I again shut my mouth.
I am so feared that i ran out to come my home to see if he is there. He just left the apartment and staying in a hotel. I dunno for how long. We both have a green card and i hold my master degree from us too.
But after being batterred continously for so many years i just lost all my confident and only getting depressed again and again. My neighbour told me i should tell my parents about all this thing. Since they dont live here and they have this typical desi mentality and they think my husband is like God to them. I dont think they gonna accept it. My mum has some heart problem and my father recently quit smoking and consuming alcohol after being diagnosed with alcoholic liver disease. I hardly have any gut to tell them whats going on with my life.
I thought after getting married with an educated person my life will be better but it has become hell. I do not have any money to support myself.
I cannot say anything about my inlaws even though how much they tortured becoz i feared getting hit by him again.
My both MIL and Fil will be here after 7 months once they get their green card.
I really dunno what to do. If i divorce this guy i dunno if i get any support from him or not?
Please suggest me.
I will highly appreciate your valuable comment.
Rojina

needhelp123 · Sep 19, 2012

Leave him and get a job!
If you divorce him I assume he has to pay you alimony. But it is more important that you stand on your own feet. You have a masters, so please don't waste your education.
And regarding your parents if they really love and care for you they would
not accept that you get beaten up and fear for your life.
The police, you and even your neighbors know that he is capable of killing you. So why do you still stay with him? Do you think your family will be more happy to see your dead body than being divorced and ALIVE? Even if they think husband is GOD they should know that beating your wife is an evil act and not godly at all!

rojina · Sep 19, 2012

Thank you so much to all of you for your valuable comments and suggestion. At present these words written by you guys are only the thing which will help me to get out of this abusive relationship and move froward.
I will re read each of it again and again so that one day i can gather all my strength to stand against it, say no to it and move out from where I am standing right now.
May be for 7 years i only learnt to tolerate, only thing i did is forgiving him and moving on with life like this. I am only doing things for him/ putting him and his things in a prior list than mine own things so, my mind is all set in the same direction and it function in the same way. Even if i move out from here after gathering all the courage i know i am gonna come back to him again like before.
May be I accepted abuse as a part of my marriage and that is the reason I am still living with him. First i need to reset and re-function my mind and body. For this I know i need some help. My neighbour asked me to visit her psychologist today which i readily accepted. I am going to see him today. I will visit him regularly and will follow his instruction. I know i need him so that I can reset my mind and can refunction everything in my life and valuing myself as a human being who have every right to get treated well, right to speak her mind and say no to abuse. Honestly right now i dont have any of it. If my DH will come back i will forgive and forget everything that had happen coz i only know and learnt to do so from past 7 years.
hopefully very soon i am going to say i have my life back and i started living as human being who have a value. I am glad he has not come back to home yet and i have not made a single call to him.
For so many years i only get to know how disrespectful woman i am, how my husband wronged by getting married to me? How worst person i am? How bad i am with his family and how much i hate his family? so on and on
I took all the slang word and verbal abuse. I have always been in the height of emotional pain, physical n all kind of pain?
I graduated in may 2011. I moved to him upstate NY after that. For one year i just sat at home. He was scared that i gonna find my own way so he told me he will help me find job in the hospital he works and which never happened. Now i am doing online course which have already started and will end in May. For this course i have to travel to italy for 2 weeks. The moment my abusive husband find out that i have to travel he applied to the same course and got accepted. Now i have to travel to italy with this abuser. I thought how much he loved that he is willing to do take this course and travel with me. But yesterday when my neighbor told me he just doing it becoz he does not want you to do anything without him/ you will make fren there and move on. He is scared of it and thats why he want to take this course. How dumb i am?
I dont have any friend/ family/anybody here. I only lived with him n now i am realizing think he has trapped me.
but now i have made up my mind that i am going to reestablish my friendship with my all old friend thr facebook.
I dont think i am still ready to tell everything to my parents. First let me get out of this shell which i created.
I hope my regular visit to psychologist will help me to rethink and revalue myself as a human not an animal who have all the right to live happily. I pray that i can do thing as accordingly as i wriiten above
Thank you all for your valuable suggestion.
Rojina

hydee · Sep 19, 2012

All the best my dear friend.

arch1209 · Sep 19, 2012

Domestic violence/ Intimate partner violence is about power and control that is why it makes the whole thing complicated. Your education, intelligence level, career has nothing to do with it, most of the times abusers are so manipulative that they make you think they are doing things for you but in reality they are only trying to control you further. My heart goes out to you, yes seeing a therapist or a psychiatrist will help you a great deal. However, you slowly also need to prepare to get yourself out of this situation or at least learn skills to cope with his behavior. You seem to be based around in New York, there are many non-profit agencies that work around domestic violence namely Manavi (NJ), Sakhi (NYC) and Asian Women's Center in New York - they provide great service and most of it is also free the above are exclusively for Indian and South Asian women but there are many others such as safe space and safe horizons that all do great work. Apart from counselling, they can also help you gain job and try to assist you. I really hope you get the strength to pull through this situation, but you have already pulled through for 7-years and seem to have tremendous surviving skills and are a courageous person. Don't be harsh on yourself, no person deserves to be treated like this.

ivlakshmi · Sep 19, 2012

Hi,
There are many social organizations in US which supports women.. Do not worry. Pray God.. Try to get a job. This would fall in place.

rvlakshmi · Sep 19, 2012

Dear, First you be confident, don't get depress, try to strengthen your mind, Say yourself, You are very strong....nothing can happen beyond your knowledge and sense, you sit and think what is better and which is good to do? surely You will get a plan/idea, No other person is good to do good for us, your mind knows everything, now you need to be very strong and bold enough. Don't convince instead think constructively, you hold a degree then why to bother about any one. As you said you cannot disturb your parents, you are good enough to stats your life. Think, think , think...... a beautiful path will come ..... proceed.