This marriage has never worked

Hi Jay,
I want to add some more ideas,im writing from a woman's perspective ,it might sound like in shahrukh's movies ,but remember women being soft inner like those mannerism's.
1)try to help her with household work,alteast offer to take up some petty jobs
2)Talk to her daily ,ask her about her day ,just listen ,make her get addict to your care,
3)try to remember her advices during your initial phase of marriage like for eg,you have to reduce your tummy,walk like this,why dont you try wearning this color shirts and so on and try implementing it now.
the idea behind this is to make her notice the change within you,its easy to make a women see because we notice even very small things and remember "tiny drops make a mighty ocean"
4)try to wear dresses of her favourite color and may be hint it infront of your kids
5)show your kids how much you love your wife
6)make her feel proud of you in your looks ,your mannerism,as you mentioned if she feels she could have got a better guy " You aim at becoming that guy"
She must feel out of the world ,she must feel blessed to have you as her hubby.
Since you yourself posted ,it shows you want to work towards your marriage..............That in itself is a big positive because not all men do this.
So it wont be hard to win back her heart.

 

Jay,

You have listed all the problems. When you know what are the problems why not start working on it. I would say that communication if done sensibly can fix anything but if done miserably can break everything.

If you both will stop talking then your are just adding bricks on wall between you both. talk to her even if you people starts arguing on something, count till 10 before you speak something. I can assure you wont need to speak that after 10. If you can keep aside your ego and dont get into fighting mode then half of the problems will be gone and as she will observe it, slowly things will start falling into place.

Strangers can live together as couple but its difficult for couples to live like strangers for long.

 

did you post this ?
"Confessions of an erstwhile momma's boy"

 

hey , this is not the way life has to be led. This is not good for your kids. For all of us when asked to define marriage the first thing that comes to our mind is "our parent's married life " ... I never wanted my parents to fight , if they did my heart used to beat so fast and I felt I would die ....
Ok 10 yrs of married life ... you have come long way together and you were their for each other all the while , that is good enough to show that you love each other. Forget EGOs go give your wife a big hug and tell her you missed her ... one cannot promise not to fight or make mistakes , it happens in any relationship not alone in marriage... so its ok. But I am sure you are at a better position today as compared to first year of marriage and thats called growing. I am sure your wife is missing you deep inside .. you must be crazy to think that you both could have got better person.. no ! you both are perfectly made for each other !
There is not a single day where myself and my husband dont fight , thats love right ? can I go demand and expect else where ? Turn this silence to understanding , patience and love ... Life is short .. not sure how long we will be alive , love and give love. Any problem can be dealt with love and care.. What if you dint get love but no one stopped you from loving.

 

Hey, yours is a bad marriage but a balanced one. The fact that you took pains to post about it in an online forum shows that it disturbs your conscience to be in this relationship but your write-up also indicates in the direction that you secretly enjoy this relationship. Sometimes unusual things give us pleasure. Here, by spending each day without talking to your wife, you are able to inflate your ego. It helps to give you get into good sleep at night. Ditto with your wife.

You need to decide if you'd like to spend the rest of your life in a loveless marriage or would like something else. If you chose the latter option, marriage counselling is a good way to start.

 

JD, This one hit close to home. Me and my husband pretty much are in the same boat. We love our kids a lot and thats all we have in common. We do talk to each other for the basic essentials though, but we dont love each other. I am able to view your problem from a women's perspective.

I can tell you one thing though. No amount of holidays, talking about love and care will help you out of this vicious circle. You guys are now caught in one. The more you talk, the more you will fight. You start talking about love and care, she will talk about the pain. So, its NOT going to work. That being said, its not the end of the road. There is one way and it might work if you apply it.

I might do some hard talk here. So, excuse it. Yours is an Indian marriage. So, It cannot survive if either of the parents are totally cut off. Lets accept it. Throw love, respect out for now and work with the logics. You are angry with your wife mainly because she has totally cut access to your mother wrt kids and she is angry because of the history and her perceived notion that her parents had to take attitude from you because of what your mother did.

Let me assume you want to earnestly give this marriage a shot. If you want to do this, then I suggest the following for you.
1. Call her parents over for a 6 month trip to the US.
2. STOP showing anger on her parents. I do understand where you come from, but If you want to make this work do it.
3. On the Contrary, give lots of attention to them. Take them out, talk a lot to them, give them a lot of respect in front of your wife. Things between you and your wife can remain status quo, but give lots of attention to them.
4. Plan trips for them on your own.
5. After 2 months or so, sit with them casually and earnestly apologise to your FIL. Your ego will hurt, It wont allow you to do it..look at your kids and do it. Tell him that you have misbehaved in the past for whatever reasons and you apologise for that. Also add, Am sure you would understand this uncle. Am a typical Indian man and my mother has not seen the kid. I am looked upon very badly in the society and in the family circle because of that. Its not that I want my mother to cootchie coo with the kids, I just want her to see them once in India. I cannot face the questions that comes from society and I feel humiliated every second in India. I didnt know how to deal with this, hence I showed anger on you. Am sorry. Leave it at that.
6. The above will have an impact on your wife and even the PILs would put slight pressure. Continue taking good care of them.
7. At the end of the trip, take your wife out, explain all this to her again. Also tell her that the fact that you have admitted your mothers mistakes point blank and can no more be manipulated by her is a sign of defeat for your mother and that is punishment enough for the mother. You acknowledge her right in not wanting to talk, but occasional one day visits from the grandkids is all you expect.

If both of you are earnest enough, the above is the only way according to me things can get better for you.
Good Luck!

 

Hello,

I think if you wipe off one word common among you both ,you can be loving couple which is EGO. Now I think both of you are trying to find comfort in the way of life your are living. If you continue to live this way it can be like this for your entire life. Please correct it soon. Life is really shortand precious enjoy it stop the ego.

I know one of my family friends aunt and uncle they have kids and their kids are grown up and married due to EGO they both dont speak to each other from several years I think almost 25 years passed. Their means of communication is their children. Now the aunt is so frustrated she left her family and joined some ashram and the uncle is by himself.

Please dont prolong your life like this. If your wife is egoistic then why dont you change she will automatically change by your loving attitude. Go tell her how much your missing her, how much you love and care for her.Give her some roses. These small things can change her a lot and both of you can lead happy life.

 

Hi JD,
I feel deep down you still have feelings for your wife, otherwise you won't be here. How can you say 'This marriage has never worked'. Did you not love her when you got married ? After so many years, kids, in laws, relatives, fights money etc.. couples tend to fall apart. Marriage needs work from both parties. I think all the suggestions given here are great. I am no expert. but did you talk to your wife about how you feel. may be she is in the same boat. Please get some conselling...Sometimes one needs an objective third person to solve issues...

 

I am appalled by people who know their ups and downs and still don't take any initiative towards mending any mistakes.

I pity your kids. But now that you are in US, I am sure they will be waiting to move out of this damn place.

I am not concerned about how you are going to take my post and neither should you as you have bigger concerns in life anyway.

What is that you want?

Haven't you heard that relationship is not magic? There should be give and take policy? It looks like with himalayan egos you both seem to be well settled with the current setup and have this "why even bother" mentality.

So I am not sure what you want anymore. Are you ready to take the first step? then it would mean you need to suck up a lot. Are you ready for that? I don't know your past issues with your wife and I don't think we can conclude, "Oh its all her fault". Having said that, what is your level of commitment in mending this marriage?

I guess there are lots of questions, which might help you analyze your issue a bit further.

 

Hi JD,

I read through all your earlier posts, clearly your wife was hurt deeply by your and your family member's actions.
From your wife's end it may not be completely ego which is stopping her to communicate or lead a normal life with you...it may be much more...atleast you have vented your worries and feelings here in this forum...may be she has still everything in her mind not finding a way or a person to hear to miseries.
You have mentioned in one post to put her in your shoes and think...cant you do the same for her sake...losing a kid in miscarriage, hearing to all your and your mom's tantrums, with no cooperation from you...and above all that acting physically...she is still with you and taking care of your kids, that shows her commitment towards the family.
From your post its evident that though you accept all your mistakes you dont have face to talk all this to your wife...you have explained beautifully here...have you ever tried the same face to face with your wife? If not please do it right now...you will not be belittled if you are the one who is taking the first step and if you need the assurance from people here that you are doing right...please do not think over...it is only "YOU" who should take the first step as you now realized whats going on in your life...
Plan a date with your wife...just a day or half day should do, speak all the things you have written here...i am sure your wife may also be waiting for this, just not sure how you will take it based on the past experiences...take the first step, no harm in saying sorry to our dear ones even if we are right to save a relationship...at the end they themselves will realize what is wrong and what is right...

Please do not involve kids in your issues...that will put a very bad opinion of marriage in their little brains and will never be able to appreciate any relationship in their life going forward...because yours is the first and best relationship that they can learn from...do not be a bad example for your kids...