This marriage has never worked

Hi Jaydixit,

Problems are lying between you both itself. Either of you is ready to give up nor adjust with each other likes and dislikes. Fights happen only when both are not ready to give up and still that fight leads to the worst situation.

Am glad that both of you are still in relation for the sake of your kids mainly. Cos these days few parents don't even think about kids and just move on to get apart.

As far as my opinion, there is no need to go to any counseling unless you both speak out each other and solve your individual problems. Than only your relationship can improve a little atleast.

After all love is all about trust, adjustment and giving up. Speak to her, sort out things. Take a break from your work. Do things what she likes. Take her out for 2-3 days and spend some "Us" time.

Unless you both adjust between each other, love and relationship will not work. You say its love marriage. Why you both have ego then?? first question itself rises here................

 

Hi Jay,

On the whole, even though you both are not talking to each other, it does not seem like a situation with no solution. Both of you seem to have an otherwise healthy approach to life (multiple interests, activities, space of your own - at least you would not breathe down each other's necks all the time). From what you say, it just seems to be a problem of two people pandering to their egos and instead of finding a solution, both of you have found a solution through not talking to each other. This can be solved by your taking the first step, talking to her (decide firmly that you will not lose your cool at any cost) and suggesting that you go for counselling. Tell her that both of you need to keep your marriage going for various reasons. So would it not be infinitely better to try and make it a good marriage? After all your daughter will one day fly the nest and then you will be left with each other in the evening of your life. It would not be a great situation if you decide at that point to walk out on each other once your daughter is out of the house, your financial matters are taken care of, simply because you will have only each other to fall back on. All other relatives, friends, siblings would be busy with their own lives and families.

So do think it over, make that first step to overcome your ego and move towards finding a solution. Whatever deeper issues there are would be best addressed by a counsellor.

All the best. Let us see what solutions other people come up with.

 

Hey feel pain to know that once the couple who fell in love with eachother and got married are having no space for love but space for anything else furniture,own interests etc.
Well, I'll first of all say that u still have some feelings down inside ur heart for ur wife coz thats the reason u came up writing long post. Boys rarely like to write and post. U have written with hope to find solution so I'll simply say solution lies within u and her.
Just coz u have come up with this will advice u to leave ur ego aside for some time. take it as activity of a month or 2 weeks and try to re-create spark of love with ur wife.
After all u both definetly liked something in eachother which made u choose eachother.
Yes there definetly comes a time when we feel we are with wrong partner but its matter of time. we are frustrated than....even I have faced similar phase in my 1.5 years of marriage but later I started concentrating on good things in my DH and loved him more than I was loving also I started enjoying my life with hobbies I like to do , there was a time when I asked ILites in my first post in IL to leave my DH or how to live life with him. coz I and him are so different but today am thanking GOD for giving me such a wonderful husband.....

Just answer urself....whenever she is sick u arent getting worried for her?dont u feel like caring for her....just for a day or moment imagine that u both are happy with eachother...just visualize and there u will again find her lovable....

Clapping is done with both the hands so mistakes lies in both you and her.
So why dont u take a plunge to correct ur part of mistakes....if u wait for her to correct first and vice versa ...this wont lead any where and ur innocent children are sufferers....

Dont say that u have to keep this marriage alive for sake of social responsibilities and kids, fiance...say it u want it to remain coz u have loved eachother so madly that u both thought of marrying to eachother.

I can suggest few things if u really want to make this marriage work in positive side and also to bring the lost love back...

1) Try to find out what is hurting ur wife....dont speak just listen to her....and then if anywhere u feel u are wrong...keep ur big male ego aside and correct it.
2) Most important her b'day is coming up.....best chance for u to improve ur relationship with her
3) If u cant take her out alone as u have kids and if cant leave them alone at home than well....once kids goes to sleep....u can decorate ur room (as u said u have seperate room) with flowers, balloons, candle light , if u have some photo studio near by get some of ur happy moments pics collaged on wood and hang it in ur room....it will be very touch for not only her but for u too....as its always best moment to relish old good memories... on one of ur wall hang 'SORRY ! PLS COME BACK TO ME' u can write this or any other msg u can think of...
4) Give her roses and as a gift u give her Card - write ur promise in it 'AM GIFTING U MY LOVE AND PROMISE U TO WORK ON OUR MARRIAGE & TO UNDERSTAND U' Dont forget to write 'I LOVE YOU'
also in card u can ask for return gift 'PLS LOVE ME AND PLS BE BY MY SIDE FOR REST OF OUR LIFE'
5) Gift her PHOTO JIGSAW Puzzle - for my anniversary I gifted one of our wedding pic jigsaw to my Hubby.
U both can sit together and solve the puzzle together....I hope this solves some of the issues....

Not sure how u gonna take this up.....but I feel this might improve ur relationship all u both need to do is to realize how special u are for eachother and ur pair is made up in heaven so never say u deserve better or vice versa...

I dont know but after reading ur post I feel there is hope in ur relationship to work out for best.....keeping ego is not weak point....it indicates u love ur partner ,more than ur ego this is what I did and now my DH also learned the same.

WISH U ALL THE BEST......WIN HER BACK !! U CAN DO IT

 

Though I m junior to you but would try put down my pts.

Hell lot of egos. It seems both of you married with LOADS of expectations from each other as it is love marriage too.

I would suggest to go for marriage counselling.

Plus point about you both is you ppl are together for the kids and the marriage.

Negative things- Though you ppl are living as mom and dad for your kids but not as couple. Your kid's will be affected in the long run. They have to learn love, affection, care, respect and patience seeing you guys. If you show relationship of detached as husband wife...surely they wont learn being a good partner for their own partners. If you show ego they will be stubborns, then you both have to regret for this behaviour of yours in front of them.

Leave aside extended family problem for the time being. Once you are bonded as couple than you can treat extended family as just another relative and just limit yourself to hi and bye and meeting in special occasions. When we have some problem or cold war with our relative..we just talk or call for important things like inviting, attend their call if they call on bday or anniversary, meet in occasions and exchange greetings for 5-10 min but dont talk of the particular event or problem. Then why dont you apply the same formula in IL relationship too. Just bear them for the sake of your lovely wife. And she would reciprocate the same.

I guess this so called ego is into picture as both of you dont talk to each other's family. Parents and sibilings are equally important as husband/wife and kids. Just that husband/ wife and kids are priority for the couple.

Action point- Talk to your wife abt counselling. Psychatrist would help you in structured manner.

 

Hi Jay,
Changes in your wife are not going to happen right away,because her heart must have become so hardened by now that it will take some time to heal.So till then you have to keep the good vibes going on.
Start it from this minute.The Ideas Hyral gave are very good,i would like to add to them.
From now onwards think that all is well between you two.Always have a smiling ,caring attitude when your with her.Keep telling her that You love her,that you live for her and your kids,that she has the first priority in your life,even before your kids and she looks the same as seen before your wedding.Most important listen to her,never judge her.........Remember all this has to be consistent.Agree to her,dont raise your voice,do your best .Again wait till her heart heals,remember its not so easy ,think of all the pains she had gone thru her first and second pregnancy,her miscarriage,to manage working at home and at office,managing kids,without anyone's help ,all this must have hurt her so much .Keep showing her that she is a Queen and you are her King wanting to be for her always.
So kindly wait,it wont be too long ,and believe me you will get back all what you have done for her in ten folds(care,Love ,respect ,agreeing to you,being compatible with you ,what Not)
Keep this saying in your heart "YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW", Dont wait till her birthday to treat her well,start off from today.
My prayers are with your lovely family.
Waiting to hear the good news from you.

 

Hello Jay

I am sorry to hear about the things that you are going through. I just strongly agree with all the above replies. As someone said earlier you still love ur wife as where in your heart, and that why you want to keep up ur love between you both.
First of all we can just simply expect others to change. Now its your wife. Why cant you change? Why cant you give up ur ego?
Stop arguing..Even though you are 100% right, just dont argue. Stay calm. May be you may think that she may take advantage of ur calmness and not arguing attitude but still dont care. just stay calm. i know its tough but it is possible. just control ur ego and ur anger. dont avoid talking to her....talk to her in soft manner. even though she raises her voice, you stay calm. Her birthday is a good opportunity for you to show ur love. One day she will realise that she is the one who is arguing even though you are not. Be a good example to ur kids. They will learn from you. One of my friend told me that her parents doent have healthy marriage and that y she ended up not marrying at all..Just start from ur side. You have to work. make ur move and roses will bloom again. i am sure.
Good luck. Nothing is impossible. You can do it. Pray and begin........Hope to hear good news from ur side.....

 

Simple solution to your problem. First decide to change. Second, take a pen and notebook, start writing all the pleasant things that you have enjoyed as a couple, her virtues (which you have forgotten now), the time you spent together in the past (you still long to go back to that moment). WRITE ONLY GOOD THINGS. No blaming, no Ego, no jealousy here. As per the saying "when the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, it might be a good idea to “water your lawn!” So water your lawn of love, the weeds of hatred will dry away automatically. Also make sure your wife reads that note too (make it look casual that you have left the note in her reachability). Prepare yourself mentally to fall in love with the gal again whom you longed to have in life. All the best.

 

dear Jay,

What you are going through is quite common in the initial years of marriage. However, its how you handle this phase which is going to determine the rest of your married life.

Some golden rules :

1. Never shut off communication - This is the worst possible thing that both of you can do. By doing this you just increase the distance between the two. If you keep this going for long, you will certainly have this thought creeping in that both are better off "not talking" and that you do not need "each other's company".

2. Never bring kids in or have arguments in front of them - Kids are very observant and this has an impact on their young, impressionable minds. You certainly dont want them to grow up with an "emotional baggage" of their childhood.

3. Ego handling - Everyone has an ego but we need to handle it with tact. Since both of you love your kids, it may not be difficult to handle this problem. Initially, it might look impossible but taking even "baby steps" in this direction will go a long way.

4. Never create issues where there are none - When we are angry, we usually have a problem with any and everything. The "art of overlooking" certain things will go a long way in keeping peace and reducing arguments.

5. Never let a fight reach a point of no-return - Most of us do engage in heated arguments with our spouses but always keep in mind never to be abusive or get physical. If you need to sulk - by all means go ahead [lucky you have your room !] but always keep that little window open for a patch-up later.

6. After an argument, try to return to normalcy - After your heated exchange is over, please dont rake up the same topics over and over. Let the house return to normal.


Before going for counselling, I think both of you should try to make little changes in your behaviour and see how it goes. The positive thing is that both of you love your kids and want to stay together for their sake.

My tip - Your wife's birthday is approaching and this would be the best time to start afresh. Take her out alone for a quiet dinner. Let her know that you are still interested in saving this marriage [i am sure she is too]. Both of you can discuss the changes you can make in your behaviour for the future. Set rules - do's and donts, expectations you have from the other etc. I am sure both of you would be able to come up with solutions to resolve your issues.

All the best...

kylie

 

Dear friend,
Answer truthfully if you want the marriage to work or not. You had a love marriage so obviously you loved each other and also knew about each other's nature.
Having separate bedrooms kills a marriage as the DW feels physicaly rejected.
Keep both set of parents, relatives away from your marriage.
If you want to save your marriage then you have to woo her again. She will reciprocate if you take a step.
Be nice to her on her Bday, remember she must have spent happier Bdays earlier and she must be dreading it too.
If she had been a doormat variety then you would not have fallen in love with her. You loved her spirit and now you want a submissive wife.Yelling is not going to scare or make her docile and obedient doll, so stop trying to control her.
A woman values simple things like a kind word, a hug, a look of appreciation more than diamonds.
If there is a third angle then its different.