Thinking of seperation

Jyothilekha · May 12, 2012

Dear Sandhya,

BE STRONG-------------"IMMEDIATELY" talk to your parents about this issue.They need to now.

Under any circumstance physical abuse is unacceptable. Next send your sweet MIL on a vacation to MARS....Urgently.

And yes trust in the supreme power above....... he will surely set things right.

Personal Loud Thinking: [B]HE DOES NOT DESERVE THE PROPERTY[/B]

Jyothi

mithuna76 · May 12, 2012

Hi ladies
Thanks for your views on my post. Am not telling the op to tolerate the abusive husband, what am trying to say is, it’s not a big problem like a drunkard Husband kicking and threatening wife nor it’s not a case like irresponsible husbands who abandon their wives on the road and many more serious issues. If she does not want to face all these problems then she should have been careful in the first place itself …why did she give him a chance? Guys can you please give me a list of persons who are not greedy or who are not money minded? I guess there is none in this world who are not greedy…..each and every one are waiting for the right time to show their real colors, so I think may be sandhya ‘s husband was that kind. I 110% accept the fact that her husband does not have any rights on sandhya’s parents property but you must note here, he is not asking it for free he is ready to pay the money(again don’t think am supporting her DH) am just pointing it out.
I read her post thoroughly, she never said her husband is hitting or kicking....if he is really a sadist then he must have left her by now.

mithuna76 · May 12, 2012

satchitananda said: ↑

Dear Mithuna,

Am sure everyone reads those. But that does not mean that one has to live in an abusive relationship and be deprived of one's human rights like talking to one's parents. Besides when he is threatening her that he will harm her mother and brother, do your really believe that she should neither move out nor call the 911? So what should she do? Grovel, lick his feet, take all the c*** he doles out to her? Does being Indian mean one has no right to live with dignity?

Each one's endurance capacity is different. Maybe you did go through a lot of difficulties. May be you managed to change your husband. I do not know what your problems with your husband were, or whether they are as bad as these. Even assuming they were, may be you were extremely strong, may be your husband was more malleable, may be the nature of your problems were different. I don't know if there was any thread of harming your parents or siblings.

So we cannot measure every individual with the same yardstick. If things look too bad, then it is better to be safe than to be sorry. No one says the life of a person who separates from her spouse or a divorcee is a bed of roses. But it might still be better than all the indignity and suffering one is put through if they have to live in that marriage. There are also people who have come out of abusive marriages and got a better life after that.
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dear satchi, from the day one of my marriage he is accusing my parents for silly things but i know how to deal him. some times i think sandya's husband is better than my dh. after sending a him a emotional email he is 50% ok now. i was not happy all these days but i have no choice than living with him because i have kids and i dont want make my kids suffer. agian am saying we are not going to gain anything after divorce. i am kind of girl who is ready to sacrifice my life just for my husband and kids, because i love them a lot.

for all your doubts please read my post"not happy"

teacher · May 12, 2012

Sandhya,
Good for you. That first step is always the hardest and it is always important to want a better quality of life for yourself. How you deal with this crisis will give your child the confidence to handle problems. By your example you will teach your child that self worth is not something given by others...it is something you foster within yourself. Kudos for being a good parent...

Besides all the other suggestions, go vist a lawyer...usually the first consult is free. In the case of abuse it helps go have a paper trail....that you have indeed tried to compromise, etc. The lawyer will tell you what is considered documentation and what isn't.

satchitananda · May 12, 2012

Hi Mithuna,

mithuna76 said: ↑

Hi ladies
Guys can you please give me a list of persons who are not greedy or who are not money minded? I guess there is none in this world who are not greedy…..each and every one are waiting for the right time to show their real colors, so I think may be sandhya ‘s husband was that kind. I 110% accept the fact that her husband does not have any rights on sandhya’s parents property but you must note here, he is not asking it for free he is ready to pay the money(again don’t think am supporting her DH) am just pointing it out.

Mithuna, if it was just a case of Sandhya and her own problems with her husband, it would have been a different question. Her husband is asking, no, demanding that he should get the land at the old price. Land prices have gone up a lot and the price would be much higher today. I am sure the difference would certainly affect her mother's finances. Remember her mom is elderly and her father is not there either. Why should the lady agree to take such a big loss when there is some one else who is willing to pay the full price? Besides Sandhya has mentioned that 75% of the cost had been paid by her brother. Why should the brother take a loss? After all he was the one who made the investment. Where was Sandhya's husband when it came to helping her father to get the land?

Now her mother wants to sell the land to her sister who is willing to pay the market price. So instead of gracefully accepting that it is the mom's wish whom to sell it to whosoever she wishes, he is THREATENING saying "I'll see how your sister gets the land". He has no right to expect that the land HAS to go to him. I am sure Sandhya would be really worried about the safety of her mother, brother and sister. Would you be willing to compromise with your husband if he is threatening your parents or siblings?

I read her post thoroughly, she never said her husband is hitting or kicking....if he is really a sadist then he must have left her by now.

Again, it is not just a case of physical violence against Sandhya. It is a question of her family's safety and forcibly trying to get possession of their land. This is a crime in itself. Besides, her child would learn life values watching the behaviour of the father. How would Sandhya explain to the child that he/she should not emulate the father?
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No one is denying that it is in the interests of marriages and children to try and hold it together as much as possible. But when it comes to a question of snatching something by force, one has to draw a line. I just wonder whether Sandhya would be able to love and respect such a husband and if she continues living with a man for whom she has neither, I can't bear to think of the kind of life she will be living. Unless the man gives up this kind of behaviour and changes radically, I am sure it would be very difficult for her.

sinvid · May 12, 2012

Dear Sandhya,
My prayers are with you. Please do not lose hope. I am with other ladies, please do not leave the house. Be strong and try to put your husband and inlaws in their place. All the very best.

I wanted to reply to Mithua's reply, but did not realize it got messed up. But I have the following for her reply. Following are my views.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Thanks for your views on my post. Am not telling the op to tolerate the abusive husband, what am trying to say is, it’s not a big problem like a drunkard Husband kicking and threatening wife
I do not agree that one problem is of less magnitude than the other. Sometimes, people can hurt you worse with their words than physically hitting you (there are times, when I felt, I should have been hit than being yelled at)
nor it’s not a case like irresponsible husbands who abandon their wives on the road and many more serious issues.
I might be wrong here, but didn't Sandhya say that her husband is asking her to leave the house leaving the kid back? If she does not want to face all these problems then she should have been careful in the first place itself …Not sure, what she should have done differently. How can anybody be careful against a greedy husband? why did she give him a chance? Not even sure how Sandhya gave a chance to her husband? I do not think she never encouraged her husband to pester her and her parents like this. I do not think any woman, in her right sense will ever let her DH or inlaws to bother her parents. SO not sure. Guys can you please give me a list of persons who are not greedy or who are not money minded? I agree. May be a lot of people are normally greedy and money minded and after free money. Otherwise the LOTTERY industry would not have survived this long:bonk. But at what cost? Not at the cost of the happiness of another family member especillay your better half. I guess there is none in this world who are not greedy…..each and every one are waiting for the right time to show their real colors, so I think may be sandhya ‘s husband was that kind. I 110% accept the fact that her husband does not have any rights on sandhya’s parents property but you must note here, he is not asking it for free he is ready to pay the money(again don’t think am supporting her DH) am just pointing it out. If my dad bought a land for $10,000 rs ten years back and if the land prices went up due to a highway coming next to it and if the land is now ten crores, i do not think it is right for my husband to say, I will pay 10,000 rs now and your dad should give me that land. Noone in the right sense will agree that this is fair.
I read her post thoroughly, she never said her husband is hitting or kicking....if he is really a sadist then he must have left her by now. Physical abuse is only one kind of sadism. Just being you are not being hit or kicked, does not mean, you are not in pain. Again, as Satchi, rightly stated, everyone's tolerence is different.

Dear OP,
My prayers are with you. Please do not lose hope. I am with other ladies, please do not leave the house. Be strong and try to put your husband and inlaws in their place. All the very best.

Regards,
Shanti.

mithuna76 · May 14, 2012

Ladies
Every one has their own views, so I just wrote my opinion here and nothing more than that. I always handle the problems in a way that it should not affect my kids and my family harmony.

sandhyas123 · May 14, 2012

Hi friends,
Thanks for all of your responses. I am not able to post in detail and I am in a tight situation decides to lie low for next 2 days. I will come back and update my situation. Thanks for all the best wishes.

ProudIndian · May 14, 2012

Hello Sandhya Please keep you resume online/open on monster.com, indeed.com, careerbuilder.com so all employers can find it easily. In your first job don't negotiate for salary as long as you and your kid can survive on that. Please send me PM if possible with your resume. I will try to help you as much as I can. Have faith in god. This hard time will pass soon. Take care and Good luck.