Why always talk about pain?

Hi Shalu, i just give it a thought..please dont mind..just for argument sake.

imagine that this forum is full/majority of MILs who talk about how their DILs are bad and how the DILs are illtreating and abusing MILs..most of the threads saying bad DIL, Dil not adjusting, Dil separate me from my son..Dil dont keep me food...Dil stops my son giving money to me... all complaints of MILs... basically a forum where MILs occupied..only few Dils.. would you still have arised the same topic "why always talk about pain"? and telling them to adjust and understand the Dils..ofcourse not the extreme cases..but good DILs?

if your answer is YES... are not you right from the beginning of this topic intended to tell the ONE who SUFFER has to adjust for the sake of not spoiling the relationship..for the sake of family's happiness and unity??(atleast the one who SUFFER has to do their duty(understanding and adjusting) first!!!)

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Ladies,
I think OP started the thread with a general topic of why DILs do not adjust with ILs and if they adjust more their family life will be happier, however down several posts she has softened her stance and clarified that the post is only about dils (living with ILs) who have good ILs(who have also always lived in joint families) but still wouldn't adjust with them. I think this is a rare category, so rare that some of us haven't seen any example of this. well I haven't. The closest I mentioned in my previous post is a dil whose mil is a real angel. In 10 years of married life, the dil hasn't heard a single word from her MIL that has hurt her even slightly. Now, this dil is herself an extremely nice person albeit a very private one. She would love to live in a nuclear family, but circumstances are such that she is forced to live with ILs. Although there are no hard feelings between mil and dil, she has been termed as a bad dil by some relatives as she doesn't mingle much with ILs. I think by agreeing to live with ILs against her wish, hasn't she already made a big sacrifice? Why don't people see this?

As far as know, new brides are generally open to adapt to her new surroundings. It is the mil's insecurities that come into play and she drives the dil crazy with taunts, comments and restrictions. Sooner or later, the dil has to complain or stand up for herself. She however learns the hard way and loses some important years of her life in all the unpleasant show of power.

Then there are also the other kind who are actually not very open to adapt at all. I know one dil who married the eldest son with two siblings and who had lost his mother. The father had brought up the kids single-handedly. In the absence of the mother, the father, son and daughter did all the household work. They also shared everything including their clothes. They were looking for a dil who could take over the household duties( I know this is arguable, however this was their requirement)The dil in question happily agreed to this. Right after getting married, she convinced her DH to not help with household work because the sil should do everything. She locked all his clothes so that the bil could not wear them. But, I have to say that the ILs were no angels. There was retaliation from their side as well and things got uglier and uglier.

The point is whoever is suffering whether dil or ils will have complaints. You cannot expect anyone to suffer pain indefinitely. Oh, and I forgot to mention that in the end the fil of the second dil paid his son (because the son was not financially independent) to leave his home and live separately.

 

having happy in laws is a very good thing , but all
are not same , andfor simple things any di Or a mil will
not try to make a issue.
Trying to understand pain felt by others is what
we can do here if we don't wanna jump, leave pain.....

 

There are gilrs who cannot see DH talking to MIL. You may not agree but I have seen cases like this. and i continue to see it in my neighbourhood many a time.
may be the DH behaves differently/rudely to wife after he chat with his mother everytime...no girl intended to separate ILs from hubby while the time she get marries..its only after she sense something

If a MIL says, "I cant cook today", there are young gals who tend it understand it otherwise, like: "I wont cook, if u want u cook for urself". And soon a complaint goes to dh "Listen ur mom said she wont cook for us!! Lets live separate"!!
i haven't seen such a post in IL sofar... you can see something like "my mil always tells that she cant cook whenever i plan to go out to do some shopping or go to bank or some other important work..though i previously asked her for permission and asked her politely to cook..but every time she spoiling by saying that she cant cook..obviously this particular dil would havr cancelled her program to cook at home...but she will vent it out in IL...which not gonna affect her family's happiness

Riyagan, there have been cases that I have seen/heard where howmuch ever the MIL tries to maintain a friendly relationship with DIL, the DIL never reciprocates.
as Monita said those are really rare cases.. i haven't seen them in this forum so far..

okay gals..am done with my opinions...am wrappin up my argument in this thread.. thanks all


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[JUSTIFY]Sbonigala,

Great stuff!

Though the post was created with all good intentions and everyone understands where you are coming from, I am not surprised to see the scathing remarks it has garnered. The content is excellent but the presentation has rubbed some people in the wrong way. Some of the things I would have done to send my message across with less ambiguity would be:

1) The title 'why talk about pain' is addressed to everyone and those are going through tough times take it as an affront and provide an explanation. Nothing wrong! You and I would also have done the same thing if we are sailing in that boat. The last thing we want is someone to remind us that we are in PAIN and DO NOTHING ABOUT IT. Instead have title like 'I am so happy'. It is just about you and can share your happiness and joy. Everyone knows that you are just talking about oneself and not questioning anybody's painful existence.

2) Erm..advising how to make things work, or be HAPPY? How about just summarizing what you have done to be HAPPY and others may take a cue or discard as inapplicable depending on their circumstances. Lot of people out there perhaps deem your guidelines are ineffective in their lives (thence the anguish). An inquisitive post that expostulates does no help to some. But extremely beneficial to those who have similar understanding like you have with your ILs. It would help them tremendously to set their perspective right and work out things. Mentioning how ONE worked out things in life is sufficient for the right people to imbibe rather than why others are unable to work out (Nah! Petty problems to you and me may be life-threatening to someone). A tolerant style of advocating is I do this to stay happy rather than you don't do this hence unhappy. I hope you see the nuance. Pain is a very sensitive topic to discuss.

3) When one is in extremely blissful state sometimes we put across things in a questioning manner why others CAN'T be happy like me. Everyone experiences this some time or the other where we do not understand why people complain of work, parents, friends, community and life in general when it is so beautiful. Perhaps when we are there we might understand one day but till then some questions are best left unanswered especially - 'Why someone is in pain'. I know you just wanted to share your tips and misconceptions to be cleared. That is a novel thought in itself!

Your post has sent mixed messages not knowing if you want to share your happiness, question someone's unhappiness :confused2:

I am very happy for you that you have a good life and positive attitude. Wish you all the best! Hope my guidelines on how to provide guidelines to a happy married life isn't offending anyone! Ta.. [/JUSTIFY]

 

Why is it hard to digest most DILs do not like to live with inlaws, why should they especially when ILs are able-bodied in their 40s 50s and 60s? Some girls may not object before marriage since they have no choice before marriage, later they realize how difficult it is to live with them. OP if you are happy living with inlaws either you were brain-washed or you are incapable of living independently. I am raising a daughter and will not be happy if she opts to live with ILs, helping inlaws in their need is different from financing their children's marriages and lavish life style. I have seen couples in US saving every penny sometimes even borrowing from others and sending money to inlaws to finance their homes, their kids education, cars etc.

 

A very simple solution to all this pain and adjustment issues is the live and let live policy. Wonder why it is not acceptable to some people. More often that not it is more about power struggle and wielding power over another individual and ego issues.