Help my friend decide if she should seek divorce

helpher · Sep 26, 2011

My friend, a 27 yr old lady, in trouble -
She hails from a quiet district in Andhra. She had an arranged marriage 3yrs back.
Her husband, an MBA guy, was a caring man and they had their baby after 1 year of their marriage. As an IT professional, my friend juggles work + kid + home with aid from her mother.
Squabbles with her husband are a daily scene for her. Reason, he needs a daily booze - and she despises it to the last drop of her blood.
Otherwise a friendly man, her husband drinks every evening-night to shed his unhappiness (maybe over the fact that she doesnt like his habit) and gets violent after every drink, only to have her dislike him all the more for that ; at times to make things worse, she even lands getting a blow or a two.
But once the night is over, Mr. Husband turns sorry & apologetic & sounds to her as a good husband ,overflowing with love & care - this only adds to her confusion when she would have decided seperation to be the last resolve.
Her family, extended family, all have an infinite hatred for her husband and are trying to convince her to leave him.
While all such thoughts were stemming, her husband in want of love and support, fell for a young but married neighbour, making my friend's case stronger.
Yet, he recovered from the pangs of his new found love and after being caught red-handed trying to elope, confessed and condemned his action & vowed to have changed, to have detached strings with the young lady.
But phone calls continue, under the pertext that it is the neighbour lady who calls.
Neighbour lady came in the open about her 'love' for my friend's husband and even demanded that he should marry her. Her own husband, an inert man, has nothing to say, except that he still loves his wife, & it must be a passing phase for her ! My friend's Mr. Husband still likes his wife & baby and would dare not leave them ( Reason may also be that he needs his wife to support him financially, which the other lady wont be able to do).
Neighbour lady causes continual trouble, with her husband claiming the cause of all despair being 'my friend (for matters unknown to her) & her Mr. Husband'.
My friend is confused.she doesnt like her husband anymore, but feels she'd regret after seperation if he continues to be single and if his life deteriorates.
If only her husband claims hatred towards her and agrees to seperate, she'd most willingly do that. Her worry is her daughter's love for her father. She wonders if she should remain a good wife & try & change him, but perhaps this will mean putting all her life at stake and to suffer daily. But for her even seperation will never mean she'd ever think of re-marrying, & hence she'd have to bring her daughter as a single parent for the rest of her life, and worries accompany that.
She is also wary about being in the same city as her husband post such a seperation, and will have to move out, maybe overseas where her own sister is settled and where her mother now belongs to ( they are converted natives of that land ).
So, her worry is also about finding a job overseas and going through emigration for her & her daughter smoothly.
And the thoughts - if she should do this as a divorcee, or first move there and then file divorce , or to shun all such thoughts & try & reform her Mr. Husband haunt her..
Please help her decide..

tashidelek2002 · Sep 26, 2011

People don' t change unless they want to change to change and her husband is an alcoholic who has a great enabler to his drinking. He is nowhere near changing. In addition, wife beaters rarely change so even if he stops drinking, he will probably be beating her. Your friend still has options to get out....I suggest she do so while she has them. Your friend seems to have very very rigid thinking and her own mind is holding her back from a better life. No reason she cannot remarry and be happy.

Please have her check out the written material from Alcoholics Anonymous and Al Anon which is obtainable online and free.

suresh51 · Sep 26, 2011

When your friend has become firm in her views about her husband, it would be better for her to stay separate for some time. In short ask her to find a job in that far away place & shift.(job can be found after going to that place)
It is quite possible the pair may rejoin again after a gap of a year or so to a happy ending.
God bless her
s

CountUrBlessing · Sep 26, 2011

Dear helpher,

Your friend must immediately move out of her H. I mean everything is so clear that her life with her H is not leading anywhere. Do you think this man will be a good father to his child? the answer is obviously NO. Infedility by any means should not be encouraged. Its very clear that her H is not ready for D only for the sake of her money. There will be one day when he will drain all her money and will move away from her. Its better for your friend to get seperated from him and go oversee's and have a change in her life.

This is my :my2cents....i pray that she takes a good decision in her life...

SLV · Sep 26, 2011

I would support most of the responses shared here.

If the guy had been "really" good then yes, getting him rid of alcohol and such other efforts would have been worthy and it would have also meant sense to keep the relation. But guess, this has gone miles....not sure how she never realized and also not sure why is she taking it all?? I mean, that man isn't worth all the efforts she is putting in to keep the relation. And c'mon, what more does this relation have in it??
If he couldn't stay loyal.....will he be a nice dad?? More over am sure the child, once grown up, will dislike his/her dad anyways for all that he has done/will be doing?? So why go through all the trauma.
Besides all this isn't a healthy atmosphere to bring up the child. Imagine such drama in front of the child. I don't think its peaceful for the child either.

She should move away.....may be, give him a chance "if" she is still wanting to. Wait and see (though i hardly believe it would be worthy) and then take a call on official separation.
Trust me this is going to be healthy for the kid too. I have two families which have gone through this and the children till date think it was wise on their mother's part to be separated and they 'never' regret about not having Dad around.

All the best to your friend.

ivlakshmi · Sep 28, 2011

Hi Helper,
If he is a real alcoholic drinking daily then chances of him change is less unless and untill he wants to..
yes, once leaving a husband will surely cause pain and lot of stress to her ..there is no rule that she will have to stay alone once she leaves her hubby..27 is quite an young age..i think she has already tried to reform her husband.. Ask her to check with her husband if he wants to get rid of her? If so the path is easy..
Another suggestion is she can move to different place, get a job there or stay seperately in hyd itself ..if he really wants to get back to ur frnd he will realize and leave tht lady , comes back and takes a home at different place.