Please advice... How to save my relationship wid BF

Hi Nidhi,
Men are more attached or inclined to their family and they dont generally like women complaining against their family.It is different in case of women.Take some more time and checking how he is behaving if u dont talk against his parents means "is he behaving differently by the influence of parents or not talking/taking u out?" - if yes think about this relationship again..if not go ahead..
Thr is obviously doubt in ur mind tht u hav asked in this forum, just get that cleared.. Tomorrow u shld not feel that u can get a better guy/shld hav had a peaceful life with some one else who doesnt not hav burden of sister/parents all the time..
Again after getting married , if things dont work then the situation is extremely difficult to get out and break up is painful emotionally but even more difficult legally..Think on all possible ways and decide

 

Nidhi, I was exactly in your position 3 years ago...well, not exactly, but pretty close to your situation

My DH and I were in a relationship for 7.5 years before we got married in 2008. Ours was a "worst case" scenario as we were from different religions, caste, educational and family background, etc. I had no opposition from my side and they were surprisingly supportive but my ILs tried their best to dissuade my DH from marrying me citing religion. My dh and I literally broke up 4-5 times in the 4 years before our marriage! He even broke up with me after coming and talking to my dad and I can tell you that if it were not for the grace of Christ I would have probably ended up taking my life as I went through such mental and emotional trauma during those 6 months...my hair literally grayed during that time! Finally, at the ripe age of 28, 7.5 years after we entered into a relationship, by the same grace of God, my dh mustered the courage to face his folks and after a long and very bitter battle we got married with the full support of my family and an "appearance" put in by his side. To this day my FIL has not spoken a word to me and my MIL talks only if I talk to her...but somehow I have grown to prefer this aloofness as it means my DH and I can live a peaceful, minimum interference life...we do have many fights and arguments...but I believe we are made for each other and I thank God for bringing us together after all that trauma. So, i understand when you ask "how can i leave a guy I've been committed to all these years"...it was the same with me...I could not see myself with someone else...so I get it. But that doesn't mean it may turn out the same way for you as it has for me...

My past aside, I have three suggestions for you:

1. Does your BF understand that the marriage is between you and him and not really between two families? I know this is the common attitude in our society and yes, it is a very good thought...but very rarely do two families blend together. So, let's call a spade a spade and agree that marriage is between a man and a woman...there may be significant others in both your lives but they are not part of the marital relationship. Your BF has to realize this truth and agree to balance his life between you and his parents.

2. Try your best to live separately after marriage. That was what saved my relationship because we agreed on day one (7 years before we married!) that we will live away because I have absolutely no common ground with my ILs and luckily my BF also wanted the same. He is very responsible and loves his parents but thankfully he is not very emotionally attached to them.

3. See yourself living 5 years into your marriage...understand that even though you know your BF before marriage there will always be 'teething problems' when you begin to share space for the first time. The added tension of ILs watching you share space can drive you nuts! Whatever you do, think and pray before you decide..don't have any regrets or second thoughts after getting married.

THis is what my dad said before he agreed to our marriage - 'I may not approve of this relationship but I respect both your decisions as adults. You will have many problems after marriage, but you must have the faith and courage to overcome them. I am agreeing to this marriage because I am your father and I want to do my duty to you. Tomorrow if there are any problems, they are the consequences of your decision today. So think well before you go ahead. The primary responsibility of keeping your marriage protected is yours and your BFs"....it's the same that I say to you today.

I hope it works out well for you in the end.

Regards,
Carol

 

Again, I do not mean to make your relationship/love seem trivial, but this is the case during courtship periods even in most arranged marriages. Some days ago I came across one of the chat transcripts exchanged between DH and I before our wedding, and I had to laugh reading all that . All the sweet nothings and lovey-dovey expressions...of course, we say "I love you" and all that even now, but our relationship has risen to a different plane...where actions speak louder than words.

"Love" takes a different expression and a deeper meaning after marriage, because as another PP said, living together with that person is a completely different thing altogether. You will find that some habits of his irritate you and some of the things you do might irritate him. Apart from this, more of the serious stuff such as finances, relationships with extended family, adjustments and compromises for each other etc. come into the picture. Then another big thing-compatibility in parenting styles and ideas after a kid is born. In my opinion, the above parameters actually test the strength of your relationship and love for each other. Any couple will have big and small arguments as regards the above, but those who successfully weather all that are successful in marriage.

As another PP said, have you asked your BF what he would do if ILs continue this way after marriage? If so, what was his response? Unconditional love, in my opinion, would mean politely but firmly speaking up for you when his parents have wronged you. As regards what his parents said to you about your height etc- it is extremely common and most MILs think that even Aishwarya Rai is not good enough for their son And I think you are upset because you did not expect all this from her. The others episodes also seem quite common to me but you have to decide whether you can grow thick skin and hold your ground regarding working etc.

Lastly, as I said before, please think of how it would be some years down the line if you entered this family. I admire your commitment to this person but please think practically as well while taking a decision. God forbid if something goes wrong, you will be solely responsible for your life and decision. You can always be firm and convince your parents to give you some more time. Please be clear on what you can and cannot compromise and discuss that clearly with BF-more importantly, study his reaction and responses.

 

You seems to very sensitive and emotional.It is going to be a challenage in your new home. You need to be a grownup and decide now. If you really love your BF, then you must show adjust in your in laws house. It is not easy for him to leave his sister who needs help. Age is not a big factor. This is life long committment. It is not easy to just walk out after the marriage. if you ready to sacrifice yourself for your future husband's family, then go ahead. Whatever they say, just ignore it. Are you ready to take care of them? This is the best time to decide. Most of us fall in love, sometimes it doesn't work out. Life goes on.
If you go on complain to BF, he is going to cal the wedding off. Don't spoil your life. Sit down and write all the pros and cons of the wedding. Then decide.

Good luck.
CL

 

I see major red flags here.. and given your temprament and expectations of a normal happy life are not in tune with the current situations.

Did you ever consider going for genetic counselling for both of you, since your soon to be SIL falls under special need category?
It takes huge amount of patience and pain to constructively deal with your own child when he/she falls in that category. Also as a mother certain things are in your control.. but a lot of actions/reactions are not acceptable by others... are you aware of how to deal with your SIL?
Can you visit mental hospitals and sit there for a while on a daily basis? You'll get a real feel of what to expect in the life to come............

Normal people with normal situations have sufficient frustrations in life to make their DIL's life a hell.. and take my words a mother of special needs child have gone thru much much more which could have either left her a better human or worst....

Your BF is super accomodative to you since he was brought up in a house which needed a lot of compassion and care for sibling.. now do you have it in you? Whatever you'd been getting now.. are you ready to give.. not on your terms and conditions?
Just becos you had an affair and you're in love or you're in hurry.. are you ready to be a mother teresa? Cos your husband wont be...

 

Dear Nidhi,

Its normal to go through conflicting thoughts at this point of time considering the circumstances.

This is my personal view as i hve gone through somthing similar in my life. So i can relate to what ur going through.
First thing is: if ur sure u cannot marry another person and your current BF is the only person you want tolive with, then, u need to think about how you can adjust with your in-laws
You need to be mentally strong, very strong. Since your inlaws are already against you, its going to take some HUGE adjustment from your side to get along with them. They are not going to accept you just because your married to their son.

You yourself need to decide and draw a line of how much you will be able to adjust, tolerate and compromise. Think about it deeply. Share it openly with your BF dat you can adjust so much, you can do only so much after marriage. That he can expect only so much from you. Also share your expectatoins of him after marriage. THIS is very imperative. He needs to support you. He has to show his family that you will be part of the family after marriage and his family will hve to respect that whether they like it or not.

From your side, after marriage, try to be fair. Put yourself in their shoes and think from their side, their point of view and be more patient, strong and compromising. Believe in yourself and your love. If you think that you will make a success of your marriage, you will.

DONT ENTER THE MARRIAGE with doubts in your mind. Be strong and confident that you will make the marriage work. It will definitely bring rewards.

The first year ofmarriage is when new ground rules of adjustments, tolerance, compromise will be drawn. So be cautious of how much give and take you are comfortable making and draw a line if your not comfortable with something.

Hope this advice helps.

All the best,
Jaya