How do you deal with the irritants of your married life?

Saumyamom · Sep 3, 2011

Hi everybody,

Though i have much bigger issues in my married life I would like to know how do you guys deal with the irritating habits of your spouse.I used to get extremely upset but with time I am becoming more and more inert to them ,not that they irritate me any less.

For eg.:I hate it when my husband talks in a fake american accent and discusses Yankee stuff with his American colleagues .I start thinking what a fake he can be and try to find out ways to make fun of it later ,out of anger:bonk.He leaves his used tea cups ,soiled dishes all around the house,throws his worn clothes ,socks and wet towel on the floor,walks all around the house with muddy shoes so much so that the carpet has his foot prints all over and things like that:drowning.Even if he vaccums once in a while he leaves the vaccum cleaner in the same room where he just vaccumed.

My blood keeps boiling seeing his indifference :rant,I want to know if there is a better way to deal with it.:hide:

Mahajanpragati · Sep 3, 2011

hi there,
it seems like u are recently married.
there are only 2 ways either u crib,nag ,fight and hence make life hell for u & ur hubby
or ingore.if it troubles u so much do urself.

after all we married different person from us & he is bound to have positives & negative.if we wanted a same person we would have opted for a male clone of ourself.........

stop making fun of your hubby about his accent.maybe he is trying to fit in & if other people don't notice why u have to create tension in your life because of it.

whenever his faults seem too much try to focus on his good traits.it will help you be more tolertant.
pragati

cuties · Sep 3, 2011

Ok, here are my suggestions. Get together with your husband and each one of you make a list of 10 habits you don't like in each other and list them priority wise. Then discuss them and both of you should agree to make a change for each other's sake. Start with one habit at a time. Be patient and gentle with your DH while he works to fix his habit. Appreciate when he makes an effort to change that and gently remind him when he does it like "Honey, please be careful in future, you know how I feel about this". No nagging and no criticism. Then take others slowly. Similarly work on your habit too.

About his fake accent, talk to him calmly and ask him why does he think he needs a fake accent? Please don't mock him for that. Honestly I would be put off too with the fake accent. If he does it to fit in, explain to him it is not necessary and people like and accept you for who you are. I for one don't see a need for anyone to fake accent to fit in. There is so much diversity these days.

gujulady · Sep 3, 2011

Mahajanpragati,

OP is not newly married. She is married for 4+ yrs and have 2 kids and inlaws. Plus she is also working. You can imagine how stressful her life already is and to top it these kind of habits from spouse like leaving dishes, wet clothes everywhere. She must be exhausted by picking up the trails left behind by her dh.

Hi Soumyamom,

I feel bad for your situation.
I can totally understand the messiness caused by mud shoes. Did you discuss with your DH about his habits? I would suggest you to ask him to clean up the carpet next time he makes any mess. If you had already tried to tell him politely to change his habits and he is not changed then you should put your foot down and refuse to attend to him/ serve him. Tell him clearly he has to be supportive to you in home and help you in kitchen. If he leaves wet towels or dirty clothes on floor,do not pick up. Do not wash them. Tell him firmly that if he wants fresh clothes on time then he has to put his dirty clothes in proper place.
Don't bombard everything at one time. Pick one battle at a time.
Regarding the fake accent, I had a colleague of mine who used to talk in fake American accent to American clients and all her colleagues used to make fun of her in her absence. I think even Americans can recognize fake accents.

Good Luck,

Saumyamom · Sep 3, 2011

Hello dear ladies thank you so much for taking the time out to respond.I have expressed my dislpeasure about this to my husband both in calm and not so calm ways ,I have asked him many a times why does he talk in a fake accent ,why not concentrate on speaking grammatically correct English .To that he says he Is a free individual and will speak as he feels like .About his dirtyhabits I tried to leave the house as is do that he understands how dirty he is but he didn't care a tiny bit ,he shamelessly built a pile of dirty clothes .I recently went to India with kids alone ,I thought he would probably now understand when there is nobody to cleanup after him .When I returned the whole house was like a trash can. And he was completely unruffled .I think he is completely blind with the ego massage provided by his dependent parents who think all this is my job .I have fracture in my legs still I had to vacuum because of his mess he didn't bother .Infact even in the middle of the night if my younger one cries I wake up limping to get his milk.He sleeps in a different room and sends both the Kids to sleep with me .if a kid cries in the morning he is ready to hand him over to me while I am barely standing with my broken leg. While i am told all the time how apathetic I am .o don't know why I expressed all this here but it will give you guys a glimpse of his hard headed nature .

thanks gujuady

cuties · Sep 3, 2011

In this case hire a maid to get the house clean. If he complains, tell him that either he can clean or let you get it cleaned the way you think it is appropriate. About sharing responsibilities for children, tell him you cannot do it all. Alternate nights when you have to get up for kids if they get up during night. Hopefully your leg has healed by now. If it is his turn and he ignores, tell the kids it's daddy's turn today, let them bother him. Be firm and strong. Ignore your in-laws and focus on your family. If your husband does not want to play along, take kids out for a day to a theme park, museum etc and have fun with them. Eat what you like, do what you like, don't cook for your husband, let him feed himself or he is most welcome to join you guys. But don't let him spoil the fun.

blessed · Sep 3, 2011

Sorry for your situation, but my DH also falls in the same category,since I am working from home, I do all the cleaning and organizing, but I feel sorry for him because he will 12 hrs away from home on work, but walking with muddy shoes is to much... it also depends on his parents they would induced in his blood that these jobs have to done by the lady of the house, my MIL couldn't stand my DH in helping me in house hold chores.

Show him openly how tired you are managing both office and home, when you are sick please take rest and tell him it is your turn to take charge of your home, after all we ladies are also humans.

Priya16 · Sep 6, 2011

Soumya,

To deal with our daily frustration,we need to add another dimension to our thinking which is philosophical then only you can lead little peaceful life.

House cleaning:I have one friend family,where we can't even drink a sip of water from there house and imagine kid who brought up in that environment,does it matter to him weather the house clean or not.
Your mind is tuned to house cleaning but in his mind that's not at all important and priority nor he give attention to it.In your way you are right and in his way he his right.So,can we say one is right and one is wrong.

He can live in clean and unclean environment.But you can't live in unclean environment and that's why your struggle.You should have cleaned cleaners to clean the house instead of you worked up.

Sleeping:Even we had similar arrangement when my kids were small.It's not "We".It's my DH arrangement.Later one day,I said,I will sleep wherever you sleep.If you wanted to do that,do then.

Another thing,Don't assume anything that he need to understand you.If you need some help and you can't handle things,just tell him that you can't do this or I need help or how we are going to take care of this?
Open your mouth and talk and don't wonder inside of the mind.

Lot of times,you mind keep on thinking it's influence of your in-laws.In some situations it may not,he might have his built in personality and you need to express your likes and dislikes.

I raised solely my young kid without any help from DH,that too suffering from some chronic disease.Today I get a blame of you spoiled her and she will not come to me.Kid can go to any unknown person,if the person is playful to them.

These are all part of there tactics and you don't loose your mental peace over it and keep on worrying about your H acts.Either speak out or let it go.But don't keep them in mind.

More anger will block the mind .Don't develop haste or anger and it will not allow us look through the things and solve them in peaceful manner.

Saumyamom · Sep 6, 2011

@Priya: Actually from what I could understand from the eternal praise of my MIL (for herself,she keeps praising herself) ,She used to keep the house squeaky clean ..so even if it is an exaggeration ,I am sure the house used to be at least normally clean ,So its not that he was brought up in a dirty environment .But apparantly when he used to live here in US ,he used to live in such a dirty and disorganised way that his room mate actualy made a video out of his room....

@blessed :We have hired a lady who helps to look after the kids when we are at work and cooks 4 days a week .The rest are managed by me of course .But rest everyhting I do ..cleaning ,vaccuming,laundry,feeding the kids , taking complete care of the kids for the rest of the days,cooking rest of the days,doing dishes etc etc and of course I work outside the house .But at least once a week my husband asks me ,YOu dont cook ,What do you do anyways in the house.Lazy woman! and I am like ..What??!!??

Viji14 · Jan 7, 2015

@Saumya: I appreciate your patience to put up with this attitude of your H n in-laws. I'd have just thrown up a bad tantrum - and it'd only result in angry fights, without any positive result. So hope ur able to take the suggestions given by IL friends here n solve the issues.

An iirritant in my life is that - it'sjust too routine. Work - dinner n sleep - weekends are lost in homework with kids, cleaning n cooking. DH doesn't like to go out much - when friends mention abt their weekly outings I frankly feel jealous. We need not spend too much - just a park / temple / long drive - am I asking for too much ?