I'm 19. He is 52. Feeling confused :(

First of all,if he is very good at heart,why would he agree to marry a girl of his daughters age?That too ,he is telling he love you.WOW.can't simply believe it.

If he is a very good person,why would he divorce his wife?At this point you don't know true colors of him.You are just throwing yourself into the lion cage.Ok,just tell him that you don't want to marry him and see what happens?See,what kind of colors he would show?

 

Your parents and relatives are disgusting that they want you to get married to such an old man.

As priya said, if he is like gold at heart then why did he divorce ?
If he was any good, then he would not want to spoil a small girl's life.
American life is no luxury or great girl, here what ever we earn, we do all the house hold work, cook, clean, wash clothes and what ever on our own. Getting servants is not easy.
And now i feel that this old man is marrying you as he needs someone at home to cook and clean. And you gonna be a cheap servant.
12 Lakhs is not a big money which you might feel now. Its just his 1 or 2 months salary. here people earn a lot and also the expenditure is a lot. So when we convert it to indian rupees it all looks like big big thing...
Your thinking and his would not match... his way of things, his approach to life and your thinking would not match.
In say 5 to 10 yrs he falls sick then you will be a cheap nurse who can take care of him.

is that what you all want in your life ? dont fall for your parents or relatives emotional black main. Who is that senseless relative who sent intrest in his profile ? Will that relative give their teen daugther to such a man ?

You are better without your parents, if your dads health is not good and business loss, then tell them to sell any property they have and not sell you.

Just think what kind of a man he is trying to brainwash you by sending 100s of mails in 3 months time.

Let him be any good, he is not good for you. Run away from home than to get married. That struggle is better than a living a fake life with a rich oldy.

 

The good thing that happened to you yashika is that you got this wonderful chance to seek advice in the most important matter in your life. Please make use of this opportunity. Please listen to what other ladies (older and experienced than you) will have to say. I doubt if anybody here would ask you to go ahead with this marriage.

First thing, you said your dad's health and business debts caused you to agree to this marriage. You should never agree to marriage due to such circumstances. Right now, these situations seem quite helpless to you given that you are so young and naive. But they are not. 12 lakhs is nothing when compared to your life and happiness.

I am sorry if i sound a little "age"ist here but, 52 year olds don't get angry like a 25 year old. So there is nothing great about him not getting angry with you. I am listing the good things you have mentioned in your post:

i will never find another husband with a heart of gold like him. ---Are you kidding!!! You have not even seen the world, how can you say you will not find another guy with a heart of gold. Btw, 52 year olds who are stalking 19 year olds with 500 emails/month with a purpose of marrying are just plain sick. Heart of gold belongs to those gentlemen who take pity on your current dire situation, help you with money and leave it at that. So please dont think this guy is such a great guy!


i dont know how else to express thanks for everything he did for my family---How to express thanks? Good question. Say thank you! Complete your education. Once you have your BE degree, you will find some job. I am telling you this because I have faced this situation (but of course without the marriage proposal). My parents went bankrupt while i was in high school. But, thankfully they did not think of selling me off. And we had loans that amounted to lot more money than 12 lakhs! I did my BE, came to US to do my masters (on bank loan). Got assistantship which took care of my fee and tuition, and I used to send money home for my parents' expenses. I went on to do my phd and am working in a good position now. Btw, I am still taking care of my parents (every month). I got married to the person whom I liked and who supports me in everything. oh and also, the age gap is 7 months.
So please you have 100 ways to thank this guy. You can repay his loan. you don't have to marry him!!

he said i can finish my studies after marriage-- and do what!! How your finishing your studies AFTER marriage going to help you? You are already bound by marriage to this guy

he said i can work after marriage if i want to--ok great..I guess these days majority of women work after marriage


he is not compelling me to do anything---he is compelling you to marry him!

i will have a nice life in america---Please read all the threads in this forum about how bad some women have it in america.

he looks younger than his age---- does he look like he is 25? i doubt it

he is well known in our community ---I think this should actually make him embarrassed that he resorted to such means!

You asked what you should do. Here's what.

1. Put an end to this marriage.
2. Complete your education. You can apply for student loans. Take it from an experienced person. Education is your only way out from this mess, my friend. The only thing with no risks attached. Don't think your way out is marriage to a guy who is old enough to be your father.
3. Repay his loan.
4. Being financially independent should be your priority #1.

Hope you will take a wise decision and not screw up your life. Remember you are just 19. Now is not the time for you to get married. Especially without love. What you have for him can be termed as "Gratitude" and in some measure "Pity". Please do not confuse those emotions with love. Just think, how you would feel, when you see other young couples in love and looking forward to their long future. And compare it with your situation. You will find the answer.

 

Good analysis, Vennella. I'm sure this would serve to inspire the OP to think deeper. Even as I read your post, I benefited from it and also your personal testimony amounts to riches here, maybe the OP just needs to see that light in the tunnel- that yes, "I CAN work and repay if I absolutely need to (like you did) but I don't have to sell myself."

....yet, I don't support the idea that OP should repay him. She is still young and a girl. Better for her to attain her freedom and independence and then when she has time, she can slowly think about helping her family in ways within her reach. A tender teenager should not be laden down with the responsibility to repay a family benefactor. Period. It will impact the way she lives her adult life, its burdensome. Moreover, this guy appears to not care about it at least for the time being. So she better take advantage of this, become self-sufficient and confident, so that if at all he harasses them (or her) in the future, she would be able to tackle his threats. (worst case scenario). The wise thing to do now is work towards attaining that level in order to protect herself for the future, but NOT (!) with the intention to repay his loan.

Absolutely,
This is on par with number 1 which is: Put an end to this marriage. They both are equally important.

 

My husband is 13 years older than me, and it has not been an easy life for me adjusting to 13 years age gap. I would imagine 19 to 52 would be a thousand times harder. Sometimes I feel much older guys who go for the younger girls either 1) cannot accept the fact that he is getting older or 2) he is looking for someone young and inexperienced to control. Watch out. Also, he is divorced. There is a REASON for that. I think you should absolutely say no to this marriage, but if for some reason you are thinking of saying 'yes', ask to speak to his ex wife. They have a son together, obviously they are still in touch, it would be interesting to know her side of what happened. There is no such thing as an 'issueless divorce'. There is always SOMETHING.

Personally, I feel this guy is a pervert for even looking at you as wife material. Think about this, when that guy was in college you were not even born yet. When I was born, my husband was old enough to be my babysitter. It's a distrubing thought sometimes. And if you marry him, it's thoughts like that which you will have to live with all the time.

And just my opinion, but I feel your parents ought to be ASHAMED of themselves for selling off their daughter in order to pay their debts. If anyone on here ever again tells me that parents are like Gods or should be respected no matter what, I'm going to refer them to your post. This itself proves that parents do not always do the right thing.

p.s. I forgot to add, that I was 19 when I got married, just like you. I'm turning 24 this September. The person I am today is so different than the person I was at 19. You will be different too a few years from now. Once you get your education and job, you will be more confident. You will see more of the world and you will be able to understand who is out to take advantage of you, and who is genuine. If somebody goes to walk all over you, as an older girl you will be better able to handle them. You may be a smart girl now, but trust me, you will be even smarter in a few years. I'm a better judge of character NOW than I was at 19. Probably if I had met my dh at my current age, I wouldn't be in the situation I am in today.

When you see that guy's son, I gaurantee you your first thoughts will be 'THATS who I should have been with'. You will see other guys your age doing fun stuff with other people your age, and it will hit you like a ton of bricks that you are living the life of a grandma. He is in his 50's, he's close to retirement. Your life has just begun!!!!

 

Very well said, ASG. Everything you said.

Yeah he's a pervert. Everyone would openly say so if she were under 18, wouldn't they? So why does 1 year make any big difference :idontgetitwhat are her parents thinking!)???? Certain states in the US, and Puerto Rico where majority is not attained until age 19, or even 21 would look at this situation with an entirely different perspective! The people involved could be punishable. Pushing their young, naive daughter to marry someone old enough to be her father AND that too, as repayment for the benefits he gave them?

...don't know what sort of "parents" would think along these lines.

P.S:- You mentioned being "in a situation you didn't want to be in." I hope and pray that that gets cleared soon and that ultimately, you'll be be redeemed of whatever trouble you're going through."

 

The OP has not come back..was the post for real?

 

Is this real??

Certainly your parents and relatives should be blamed for this situation of yours. How can they do that?? aahhhh..

Just email to this 52years old uncle telling thank you so much for financial help and you will pay back once started working but cant payback by marrying him. And say you thought that alliance was for his son and not for that uncle. Just say sorry for confusion.

As suggested by Venella, please concentrate on your education.

If your parents blackmail for marrying with him, just run away to freinds place or take teacher's help.. sorry i dont know what to say...really angry and shocked of your situation.

 

NO ..NO..NO this is wrong and disgusting in so many levels.

 

Feels like complaining to police and NGOs about it. I would better kill myself before doing these kinds of things to my kid.