DH's family is immature

GoodTeacher · Jun 24, 2011

Hey Guys

I am stressed and really upset. ILs are really pushing the limit. They have starting calling my family to complain about DH and I. They are saying that DH and I mistreat them, don't visit them.. etc.. and told them that they do not want a relationship with my family because we mistreat them.

My mum called me to tell me that the ILs have called some of my relatives and told them several things, too. Mum doesn't know details bc dad talked to everyone. All she knows is dad is really upset but isn't ready to share much. FYI - mum stays out of talking with ILs bc of nasty things they did during the wedding. Mum prefers the "men" sort things out bc my MIL is needy (if you read my past you know). Mum did mention that FIL said he was trying to get the whole family together to "discuss" issues. (DH already tried that 3 times. Everytime MIL, co-sis, and SIL cry, yell at us. Last time FIL yelled at me and told me that I ruined the family he had and ruined their son.)

DH isn't saying much except that he's mad. And he wants to tell his family off - which never works.

The truth is that DH's family (all siblings, their spouses, and parents) have pretty much just ganged up on us and create situations to keep us away. Then they expect us to participate at events that we had no knowledge of. Forget the siblings, but ILs NEVER call us or visit. When we used to visit, they would call us on the way and tell us not to come, or argue with us once we get there about petty stuff - and other stuff that makes no sense to me. I have asked ILs in the past if their is some problems, then we can sort them out, but they had no substance at all - just you ruined our family, DH and I never make attempts to spend time with the family when they family (including siblings) call - but the truth is we MADE lot of attempts but the family ignores and lies to us.

Since my pregnancy (5 mos) not one call (call for anything) or question about the pregnancy. DH said - we stay away and ignore them. Instead his sister started sending us those nasty e-mails again, and ILs calling my family with garbage.

Guys this is so immature! What sort of parents do this? I feel like as soon as things level/calm, they start something new. What do I do?? I can't handle this in pregnancy.

GoodTeacher · Jun 24, 2011

Guys please share advise. I need some desperately before my mind blows. I don't know where else to go. I cried all day yesterday, got no sleep last night.

I just want to be happy and enjoy my pregnancy. I wish ILs would put things to the side and keep things cordial - don't they want to get over this??

ars · Jun 24, 2011

If your h is creating all the nonsense with you than you have a valid reason to cry. Why are you crying when you and h are fine with each other and understand each other. Your il's are calling your dad and complaining and you are stressing about it. Please don't . Just both of you and h have a conversation with your dad, explain to him, ask him not to worry, assure you him you both are happy with each other and you are sincere with your actions towards your il's. Tell him you just want to have a happy pregnancy and you don't want any family panchayat now.
Just take a deep breath and relax. Maybe go get a facial done and pamper yourself.

sindura16 · Jun 24, 2011

DO you really want that kind of in laws in ur life ...who does not care about ur life or happiness of their son...

about the gossip they r spreading , you have to ask them outright what is their problem and just cut off all the ties in front of everyone...thats it...you cannot do more to please ur inlwas as they are not even bothered about ur pregnancy...

stop crying for unnecessary people and start leading a life, where you , ur husband and ur kids live in a happy and peace environment...

try to cheer ur husband and tell him not to worry about his family ...you can make a nice family by urself...

gossips die after sometime...so don't bother about what society will think...people will get to know true colors of ur in laws in future...block ur sil in ur mail box...

in this generation , i have seen you should have good friends who can be there for you in happy and sad times specially in this country...so find and make new friends ...

this is ur pregnancy , ur baby ...so keep in mind if u r always in tension, it will affect ur baby inside...

all the best

GoodTeacher · Jun 26, 2011

OK, so my instincts are right. DH out of the blue took me to ILs. It was an "expectation" b/c I said no and he didn't agree. Did the ILs speak to me? NO.. did DH do anything about it?? NO Instead DH asked me to forgive.. forget.. let go and we will just visit ILs even if they are rude to us.

FIL ignored me the whole time.. MIL made rude comments.. etc.

Honestly guys.. IM SCARED! MIL has been terrible in past (shoved furniture into me.. pushed me.. manipulation). FIL has YELLED at me in the past.. I'm not exaggerating. DH puts me through yo-yo. I don't have my family's support..

Now DH told MIL we will visit more often.

Seriously guys.. I really do need support. I am about to be a mother, too.. I have so much on my mind and I am scared to death about ILs interfering.. DH's changes in mind. What do I do?

I don't want to go. I feel alone in all this and I don't ever get a good feeling.

sanjeevni · Jul 6, 2011

Tell your husband YOU are pregnant. YOU are the one who is TOP PRIORITY right now..NOT FIL,MIL, SIL, BIL etc etc...Tell him that when he has not taken action until now... does it have to be IN THESE 9 MONTHS? Ask him to wait...until you have delivered, recovered from delivery and unil you are normal.. and then think about forgive, forget, regular visits and all that he wants. but NOT NOW. you relax, have a safe pregnancy.. goodluck

arty2010 · Jul 6, 2011

Just fous on your pregnancy. It is hard when you want people to be understanding. Let your husband tell them that you guys will visit. But you can alwasys tell som excuse when topic comes up. Ask thme to come to your hiuse and see you since you are pregnant in a polite way.
One of my friends used to say "Just say yes yes for everything but do whatever you planned for". sometimes it works with such people.

lovers · Jul 6, 2011

its almost iam reading my story i feel really sorry for u dear ..
i had to go through lot of stress when i was pregnant dear ...
really focus on ur pregnancy dont stress ur self and keep suffering u and ur baby in ur womb ...
i know my dh also behaved the sameway for every fault of there i am asked to forgive still their ego wont be satisfied ...
so focus only on ur health n baby which is very important to u right now ..dont think too much abt ur inlaws ...

meVaidehi · Jul 6, 2011

Hey sweetie relax

First of all congrats on your pregnancy. Enjoy the experience please don't :drowning yourself in all these issues.

GoodTeacher said: ↑

I am about to be a mother, too.. I have so much on my mind
Click to expand...

Exactly! Thats your biggest problem right now. Maybe its the hormones or your family's inputs or something else but you are taking too much pressure which you don't have to.
You have created a web of all these issues around you and getting more and more complicated. Sort it out one at a time.
What is your biggest problem. Solve that first.
For your DH changing mind and getting back with his family, you really shouldn't resist too much. It will irritate him more. He does understand the troubles they cause so if he still thinks you should meet there must be some reason. Understand it and then if you still think you can't do it, calmly and clearly tell him why. Tell him that you can't just forget all that's happened and if they are not so interested in your pregnancy, you are not happy sharing either. Explain to him how important it is for you and both of your's baby to be in positive and happy surrounding, how it can be stressful for you to be with them in this situation considering past happenings and experiences. I'm sure if you do this nice and without fight or conflict, he will be with you. Afterall he loves you and baby right?
Coming to the issues between your parents or relatives and ILs, I suggest stay out of it. May sound weird but think about it. They are your and DH's parents, mature and old enough to raise you and get you married. Do you really think they need your help sorting their issues? More important your dad's not told you or mom much about it either which means he clearly doesn't want you to get involved. So respect that and leave it to the elders. My experience says ILs start this complaining and bad mouthing to parents and relatives as next resort when their son firmly opposes to be under their thumb or resists their dominating. They think if they pressurize the other end, it might reach you, you would feel hurt and either listen to them or your family will make you. And you are exactly making them successful with your concern. Believe me if you don't pay attention and your family says talk to the concerned people (i.e. you and DH) for issues between you, DH and ILs, it will stop in due time.

Hope you get time to read it all.
Chill girl. You have better things to think about - your LO to come.

Take care
Vaidehi

seekingpeace · Jul 7, 2011

Like everyone said, pls dont worry too much..

Can you ask ur parents and relatives to block IL's phone number? these days it can be done and your family members will not get their calls.. Pls do that first

Btw, how did your ILs get the nos of YOUR relatives? Is it stored in their mobile phone? I once found that my DH and ILs had a lot of phone nos of my relatives..so when I got acces to DH phone, deleted most except my parents..i dont think DH even noticed... and I did delete my parents landline no from my FILs phone and DH phone when I got the oppr...

If at all you get oppr to their phone, pls do that...sorry if this sounds immature..but at times. i had to do sneaky stuff to stop harm to my family..

Postponse visit to ur ILs place as much as possible..if talking doesnt work, then fake illness when you have to visit them or start crying ( which you feel like doing) when he calls u to their place..crying alos helps unburden your mind..thuoght i dont know if its good during pregnancy..