A complicated situation with my mom

flowerlady · Jan 6, 2011

Dear friend ,you feel that your sis and BIL are unsuccessful while you are successful , maybe this attitude is making your parents give more to her.
How can you expect to be treated equally with sis by your parents if you do not consider her your equal ??
Parents always try to make things equal by helping out the less clever , successful child .
Another point is that your sis and BIL must be helping out your parents personally by being there while you are far away and can come only occasionally. After retirement they would be needing more care and your sis will be close for them . Phone calls cannot compensate physical presence.
Be graceful about it as eventually your sis and BIL will be the one taking care of your parents in old age .

Rakhii · Jan 6, 2011

waitingForTej said: ↑

This situation is very common. Since your parents love both you and your sister equally and see that you are more financially well off(thanks to your and DH's hardwork), they
think your sister could use the extra help. I've seen this happen in many families. They prolly think you don't
really need much from them and whatever they give you are peanuts in front of your current assets. SO for eg. if I give $5 to a guy whose bank balance is $100 vs to a guy
who has $1000, it would make a better difference in the life of the former guy.
I'm just giving you another viewpoint.
Click to expand...

Maybe that's what they are thinking Tej. Its just that, including the apartment she got for dowry, she altogether was given 4 homes now, just because she chose not to work hard. I am shocked at myself for even thinking this way about my sis. But...I hope you are understanding that I love my sis and mom but I only hoped that at least I would get 1. If you sell everything, it would make a small fortune. So, as another I was hoping i would get too...

Too much to hope?

Vandanaa · Jan 6, 2011

Hi
There is another point added ..Since you are staying abroad and ur sis in India ur parents might think of settling with her or near her in their final stages..So may be another reason for theem to do(Just a thought !!)

waitingForTej · Jan 6, 2011

Too much to hope?
Click to expand...

Of course I know you love your mom n sis to bits and yet what you are expecting is not unreasonable at all. At the same time you need to be tactful too. You don't want to end up with hurt relations because of this. Nandhu has suggested some good ideas on how to approach this matter. You could also bring to your mom's attention that "mom i worked hard as in one corner of my heart I wanted to make you and dad proud of me. This 1 apartment you are giving me means a lot to me." That way she'll know you actually CARE about whatever she is giving you......

Rakhii · Jan 6, 2011

Nandhu, yeah, I live abroad and my sister lives in India. I told her sometimes that it very hard life here. Like, my day starts at 4:45 and ends at 10, on top of the shovel the snow and what not. Anyway, they are coming to visit us in Aug this year. Then she will see for herself how difficult it is here also.

Yes, like you said, I like to be treated equally when it comes to love. Actually they did treat both of us equally. Both of us went to good schools even at university level. My sis was never interested in studies or working and I got good percentile and got a scholarship and went abroad. How is that my fault? Isnt that what every parent wants in the first place? ie "my baby should study well, get a good job, stand on her own feet, be an independent and strong woman" etc?
When it actually comes to reality, why should I be pushed aside because I fulfilled what they wanted?

I am getting your point though. I guess I was just venting out to you in this post.
When she is here, I will make sure that I will explain things to her about how I feel. I am fine with my sis having 2 apartments but leave at least the other one to me. If you still dont want to do that, its OK. There is nothing much I can do.

Rakhii · Jan 6, 2011

flowerlady said: ↑

Dear friend ,you feel that your sis and BIL are unsuccessful while you are successful , maybe this attitude is making your parents give more to her.
How can you expect to be treated equally with sis by your parents if you do not consider her your equal ??
Parents always try to make things equal by helping out the less clever , successful child .
Another point is that your sis and BIL must be helping out your parents personally by being there while you are far away and can come only occasionally. After retirement they would be needing more care and your sis will be close for them . Phone calls cannot compensate physical presence.
Be graceful about it as eventually your sis and BIL will be the one taking care of your parents in old age .
Click to expand...

I get your point flowerlady. At the end of day, its my sister who will be there quickly to help them than me. So, if they want to give everything to her only because they expect her to be there, its fine with me.

Rakhii · Jan 6, 2011

waitingForTej said: ↑

Of course I know you love your mom n sis to bits and yet what you are expecting is not unreasonable at all. At the same time you need to be tactful too. You don't want to end up with hurt relations because of this. Nandhu has suggested some good ideas on how to approach this matter. You could also bring to your mom's attention that "mom i worked hard as in one corner of my heart I wanted to make you and dad proud of me. This 1 apartment you are giving me means a lot to me." That way she'll know you actually CARE about whatever she is giving you......
Click to expand...

Thanks Tej and Nandu

I didnt think about this before at all before. Maybe she was feeling why would i want a small apartment when i have my own home. Thank you so much both of you for taking this point out. I havent thought about this at all.
I will try explaining to her that no matter what she gives me, I would still be as happy as ever.

flowerlady · Jan 7, 2011

This is a very common issue with NRI kids , they feel that they have slogged to fulfill their dreams while the ones at home are having a gala time . It was a choice they made , so why the constant comparisons with poor siblings who stayed back ?
Rights come along with duties.
Even if you get all the flats are you willing to look after your parents in their old age ?
Your sis is presumed to be the one doing it as she is in India and maybe your parents want her to be happy . Parents are also humans and think of their future.

Your parents can sell one of the flats and gift you the money which you can use anyhow anywhere.This seems reasonable and practical as it will make your life easier , lets not negate the value of money.
You may not need it but money is money , better than a locked flat far away.

Rakhii · Jan 7, 2011

flowerlady said: ↑

This is a very common issue with NRI kids , they feel that they have slogged to fulfill their dreams while the ones at home are having a gala time . It was a choice they made , so why the constant comparisons with poor siblings who stayed back ?
Rights come along with duties.
Even if you get all the flats are you willing to look after your parents in their old age ?
Your sis is presumed to be the one doing it as she is in India and maybe your parents want her to be happy . Parents are also humans and think of their future.

Your parents can sell one of the flats and gift you the money which you can use anyhow anywhere.This seems reasonable and practical as it will make your life easier , lets not negate the value of money.
You may not need it but money is money , better than a locked flat far away.
Click to expand...

Flower lady, perhaps you missed my point entirely. I have very clearly said that I love my sis and mom. I have also said that, even after explaining everything, if my mom still wants to give evrything to my sis its ok.

Anyway...my intention was not to belittle my sister.

minti · Jan 8, 2011

Hi Fren..

Time to take some action girl..

I guess your sis and Bil are both very smart.

Since your sis doesn't work, she has enough time on hand to emotionally blackmail your parents with her sob stories..

Sadly most of us see what is shown to us..somewhere your sis is able to show your parents how you have everything in your life while she is struggling..

She has managed to emotionally brainwash them..

you have two choices..

Speak to your mom (do not confront her)..make her aware how your sister is manipulating the situation..don't do this in one go..on and off keep communication channels open with your mom..try and find whats happening behind the scene..

Take your parents in confidence and tell them, how their behavior is hurting you. Ask them to be fair to both you sis..

Hope things work for you. take care.