The 100/0 Principle of handling relationships

ilovelife · Oct 19, 2010

Dear Friends,

I dont know if anyone has tried or already know about this but its very interesting. i think the 100/0 principle works.

wondering whats 100/0 principle..here you go...

Brian Tracy said..."Eighty percent of life's satisfaction comes from meaningful relationships." Think about it...when you look back at the end of your life what will really matter? Five words...the quality of your relationships.
What is the most effective way to create and sustain great relationships with others? It's The 100/0 Principle: You take full responsibility (the 100) for the relationship, expecting nothing (the 0) in return.
Implementing The 100/0 Principle is not natural for most of us. It takes real commitment to the relationship and a good dose of self-discipline to think, act and give 100 percent.

The 100/0 Principle applies to those people in your life where the relationships are too important to react automatically or judgmentally. Each of us must determine the relationships to which this principle should apply. For most of us, it applies to work associates, customers, suppliers, family and friends.

STEP 1 - Determine what you can do to make the relationship work...then do it. Demonstrate respect and kindness to the other person, whether he/she deserves it or not.

STEP 2 - Do not expect anything in return. Zero, zip, nada.

STEP 3 - Do not allow anything the other person says or does (no matter how annoying!) to affect you. In other words, don't take the bait.

STEP 4 - Be persistent with your graciousness and kindness. Often we give up too soon, especially when others don't respond in kind. Remember to expect nothing in return.

~

At times (usually few), the relationship can remain challenging, even toxic, despite your 100 percent commitment and self-discipline. When this occurs, you need to avoid being the "Knower" and shift to being the "Learner." Avoid Knower statements/ thoughts like "that won't work," "I'm right, you are wrong," "I know it and you don't," "I'll teach you," "that's just the way it is," "I need to tell you what I know," etc.

Instead use Learner statements/thoughts like "Let me find out what is going on and try to understand the situation," "I could be wrong," "I wonder if there is anything of value here," "I wonder if..." etc. In other words, as a Learner, be curious!
Principle Paradox
This may strike you as strange, but here's the paradox: When you take authentic responsibility for a relationship, more often than not the other person quickly chooses to take responsibility as well. Consequently, the 100/0 relationship quickly transforms into something approaching 100/100. When that occurs, true breakthroughs happen for the individuals involved, their teams, their organizations and their families.

kavitha2912 · Oct 19, 2010

Very good One!

pra319 · Oct 20, 2010

This is something i want to practise.
paru

preethiitech · Oct 20, 2010

I think its easier said than done..:spin

Focus · Oct 20, 2010

Hey is this possible for normal humanbeing, sorry any humanbeing:?::?::?::?::?::?:

shrikala · Oct 20, 2010

ah, how i wish the other person has this attitude towards me :crazy

ilovelife · Oct 20, 2010

Hi all, thanks for your replies, i read about this 100/0 principle a month back. i thought i can give a try.. few point which really made me think about it were -

80% of our happiness is dependent on how we maintain relationships - i agree to this point to major extent because if i have a small fight with anyone in the family or work place i will be upset forgetting all other positive things so i felt yes its imp to work towords improving relationships.

secondly the first step of the principle says respect and care for other person wheather they deserve it or not.. very important because when it come to my inlaws whatever i do they are not happy or their intention is to hurt me without their sons knowledge and satisy their ego that their son is still somhow under their control. so for sure they dont deserve it.. but still i respect them and care for them for my own good to have a peace of mind...

My personal exp , after i started being nice to them, irrespective of how harsh they are..example everyday after coming from office i ask them if they had dinner and how was their day..intially their answer was just
"hmmm" and that to it was not audible also but i dint bother and kept an artifical smile on my face because i shouldnt expect anything ZERO. but only give what i can... day by day wid in a week i could see a progress that they started responding to it nicely and ask me to have dinner etc..

they are not still much reciprocative and suddenly start creating some or the other problems which will hurt me a lot.. but atleast now its not everyday..

but this is working best with my husband - touch wood.. after i started to do all things possible from my end and dont expect anything from him, i feel every small thing he does to make me happy is really making me very happy..

end of the day we all are human beings and cannot bear anything and everything and give our best to others..but yeah atleast if we try it whenever possible we can have a peace of mind is what i feel..

@ focus - its possible with any human being but i think you can focus only on important relationships not all. because without expecting salary hike from manager we cant work, that expectation will be settled in our mind always

mstrue · Oct 20, 2010

Hi ILL,

Beautiful principle!
To my surprise, I had been practicing this for so long without knowing the name for it!

Focus said: ↑

Hey is this possible for normal humanbeing, sorry any humanbeing:?::?::?::?::?::?:
Click to expand...

Focus, yes it is possible. :thumbsup
And it is very effective and it is my dear chill pill.

I drew my inspiration from an old story "Saint and the Scorpion". I am sure many would have heard of it...

There was this saint who was trying to rescue a drowning scorpion from the river. The scorpion stung him. He shook his hand. Scorpion fell back into the river. The saint made another attempt to save the scorpion. Scorpion did not realise his intentions and stung him again. He did not give up helping it. A curious bystander asked the saint for his relentless attempts. The saint said, "To sting is the nature of the scorpion. To save is my nature. Why should I change my nature?"

I am no saint & nor my loved ones or acquaintances are scorpions. But the story impressed me so much and helped me to hold onto my values regardless of how it is received or reciprocated by others.

And as for the results of the 100/0 principle, here is my old post..
http://www.indusladies.com/forums/r...il-misunderstanding-more-understanding-4.html

Instead of the 'action-reaction' vicious cycle, I took a conscious decision to give my all and the results were as always amazing, not only interms of the changes in my loved ones but in terms of the inner peace I get.

mstrue said: ↑

Usually one party does something out of good intention and some other party might mistake it. Eventually the other would realize and turn more understanding towards the first one.

In my case,
I am both parties.

Yes.. I was the one whose good intentions were mistaken by some.
And again I am the one who did my homework to understand why it was mistaken. Now that I could justify their 'mistaking', I am the one who turned more understanding towards them.

It is all me because my first set of Questions to any of my problems would be, "What did I do? What must have I done? What can I do now for the betterment?". So no wonder, my solution always involves me and revolves around me even if it means I will be the only one who will have to implement all changes it takes.

When some of my good intentions were not taken in the right sense,
ofcourse I felt bad and hurt. I wanted to be one with the family. But
the problem was I just rushed in.. I did not assess how ready the people at the receiving end were with the new addition.

My natural knee jerk reaction was to retaliate.
But good for me, I took some time to react. I have read in KopMeyer books, years before my marriage, that
'Not reacting is also a reaction'. My favorite reaction ever since. I followed it - 'not reacting'. That helped me not to spill words/actions out of haste and regret later.

Hand in hand, I analyzed and understood why in the first place my good intentions did not look 'that good' to others. When I put myself in their shoes, I understood their state of mind, insecurity, possessiveness. When I carefully sidelined those traits, I could also see their good nature, love, care and concern for me. Now what?!

In my opinion, it is better to mend our ways than WAIT for others to mend their ways. So why wait for them. Why not, I take the steps to mend the situation? I realised what needed to be done. I trained myself to step back or step in per the situation. To be an insider and/or outsider as per the call. It made/makes a huge impact. I do not breed hatred. No extra baggage. I turned more understanding regardless of whether I am being understood or misunderstood.

The silent amiable vibes I send are received with more warmth than my explicit words. I am happy to see the positive change it brought/brings about in my much valued relations. :thumbsup
Click to expand...

asuitablegirl · Oct 20, 2010

I agree this is a good principal. It is hard to follow, but it does give some mental peace.

In the beginning of my marriage I expected stuff from my mil especially... like that we should be friends, they should include me in things, that they would be happy to have me as their dil. All these expectations only gave me hurt feelings when it didn't happen.

For example, my mil used to tell me "Oh, but we bought *** (dh's ex wife), a heavy gold set for the wedding, a honeymoon suite in bombay, X many outfits in this and that color, we welcomed her into the house because she was the new bride...." So I thought to myself, "Ok, well I'm the new bride so I should be welcomed to". I also wondered if they gave her so much stuff, why did I only get an artificial jewellery set (that was broken :bonk)? This caused a big turmoil in my mind. I started to expect that I should have been treated just as good as the ex-wife.

Had I just expected NOTHING, my feelings would not have been hurt! It was only because I built up big expectations that my mil was able to dissapoint me. And I think that is a lesson in life.... the more we expect, the more chances we have to get dissapointed.

I think there are some people we should expect things from... like ourselves, we should always hold ourselves to a high standard of behavior no matter what low standard other people are behaving at (i.e. like True's scorpian story). I think we can also expect certain basic things from our spouse... like love, support and respect.

But other than that.... parents, inlaws, friends, children, relatives.... we should behave the best we can with them, but not expect great returns. That way there is no room for hurt feelings and dissapointment.

I have stopped expecting almost ANYTHING from my mil. Only thing I expect is not to be called swear words to my face, and for her not to keep requesting us to divorce. That is it! Now that I have lower expectations from her, hardly anything she does dissapoints me because I'm not expecting any reward from her. Like when I send gifts in the mail, I just hope they enjoy it... I don't expect gifts back. Or when I call on the phone, I just see how they are doing... I don't expect a return phone call asking how I'm doing. Or when they tell me how beautiful their nephew's bride is, I agree with them... I don't expect them to say anything good about me, because like the scorpian story, I know their nature.

This might sound painful and like I live as a doormat, but actually it has made their small jabs painless and I'm easily able to ignore it. Also, it has made having a civil relationship with my inlaws much more easy.

Thanks for sharing this prinicpal with us ILL, it was interesting to read!

1dropLove · Oct 20, 2010

This is something that i was doing especially when it comes to DH and now iwas seeing that the 100/0 had become 100/20 which is great for me cos DHs behavious hadb een pathetic so much that im still not forgetting my bad pregnancy days but what made him come to 20 is the fact that i was quiet always and obeying,taking all ****.the great change is that now he had started to ask my opinion instead of straightaway saying 'no' to me on everything.