Small doubt...?

come on!!! we were involved and discussing this..why so many sorries:bonkI didnt mind you raising that point, very well taken..nothing personal so stop saying these sorries for silly stuff:crazy

By the way if you started glancing into your past, and trying to understand why some similar things happened (incase if this was the reason for depression,) time for you to STOP looking backwards. move forward..wonderful things are waiting for you in future.

 

Wow, what are you? A real Ganesha? If so, I have a wish to make...

 

Ok Sri, I am sorry for saying so many 'sorry'. haha

 

Hi Amrutha,

Just want to share my story on this topic. At my place, we have a tradition of giving things, A to Z that a girl would require to run her family. So my mom started gathering these things since i was a kid. At the time of marriage...all the things were neatly arranged for the guests to see. After the marriage, it was all shipped to my inlaws house and kept in a room. Me and DH had to move out of country on work. Guess what, my MIL is happily using all those things as if it was given to her. My bed, mattress, utensils, mats. and here i have to pay for every single thing i buy. My mom has sacrificed so many things so that she could save for me and i could use. but somebody inbetween is enjoying. My MIL says "these things are simply lying, so its better somebody uses". I'm still alive right i'll come back and use them when i need it.

So i have told my mom not to save/give anything to my sister on marraige.Put the money in the bank on her name and she will use it whenever she needs.

 

A man should be ashamed of getting from wife's house. He should get married only if he is capable of managing all the things for himself. Parents of a girl, after having brought up the child, gave education etc. for 25 years will give her in marriage with a heavy heart. Parting with the child and giving her to a man in marriage itself is a big boon. So menfolk should not ask for dowry or anything from his wife's parents.

Ramavyasarajan

 

As I grew up, I heard this a lot...
a. Learn to cook, in future you have to cook at IL's home.
b. Learn to wake up early in the morning.If you don't you will face problems at IL's home.
c. Learn all the household chores.Otherwise you will face problems at IL's place.
d. Don't answer back, do what elders say. Otherwise you will be at trouble at your IL's home.
e. One day you will have to go to your IL's place so learn to behave. Your IL's home is your home.
so on and so forth...

And all these did not come from 'men' in my home. They came from 'women' in my home.
So I guess, we, women of this generation need to change our perspective towards marriage. Marriage is not about parting from our parents (or children in future). It's about making a new home, our own home.
Yes, we need to teach our daughters about learning how to cook, performing household chores, waking up early, proper behavior towards others, patience etc etc, because these are basic necessities/essential to grow up as good human beings not because they will have to exhibit them in IL's place. We also need to teach them about self respect, limits, tolerance, identity etc.

I guess the day we eliminate this concept of "giving away our daughter in marriage", poeple will stop expecting dowry + gifts from our parents. JMO.

 

Very well said Archana.. Nothing much to add.

Since childhood my mom and granny used to advice me a lot like above. In addition, they used to control me in so many things including the way of my talks (I am bit argumental type and I dont leave any comments just like that). But as I grew up, i decided firmly that I will not marry someone as per my parents' choice with all the sets of dowry, bank deposits and customs in the name of traditon, rather I would try my best to find my soul mate else would remain spinster till death.

By God's grace I met my DH sometimes back and fell in love with him. I was very frank and clear in expressing my possition to him before we decide about our marriage..i.e I will never give any dowry, no traditional stuff like furniture/utensil, jewellaries as demand by inlaws, no customs like delivary and some important matters to be taken cared by MY PARENTS etc..etc...

Its gonna be OUR life, and if WE are capable of managing our own stuff, then only we should enter into a marriage... No way of going back to my parents and demanding helps from them to lead our own life. He agreed to that, but asked me to wait till he settle down in his career.

I also clearly said that we should live separately and not with inlaws. (but we must take care of both sets of parents when they are in need, so we decided to live in the same city where both parents and inlaws reside)

Now, we have been married for 2 years. I live in my own home (and I spent a lot to build this home for us), all the furnitures and every single utensil of this home is purchased by US.
We manage our own expenses and will be managing the same after the kid comes to the picture.

We both wanted to settle down in our career before we enter into this marriage, so that we can live in our own than expecting others.(specifically, buying home, furniture, and having reasonable bank balance in our own is not that easy for middle class people like us). So, we didnt rush for the wedding in our early 20s.

I was 26+ when I got married and my DH was 29+ that time. And we didnt want to start a family immediately after getting married, so we focussed on our career for sometimes (1.5 yrs after marriage) and fixed all our basic needs (home,furniture, bank balance etc..etc...) and now here we are...

My inlaws too have a very sharp toungue and they used to comment bad about this dowry matter. But in my case, they had nothing to say as I bought money/home/furniture and everything to my new life... the thing is.. I didnt get anything from my parents, and I didnt give anything to my inlaws. Rather I earned my self for my life so is my DH.

There is no point in talking about inlaws and our customs as it will never change automatically. If you are against dowry, then you must act so.

Many girls wants to get married at the age of 21 -23 yrs and still fall for arranged marriage stuff. They dont mind about dowry matters till it affect their parents so badly.
By the time of their marriage, either they are in college or just finished their degree (not earned even a penny for themselves). So, its like transfering one item to another place.

Do not expect your DH to buy you home and furniture instead of your parents. That doesnt mean you are against gifts/dowry, but you are just changing the person who offer such gifts. Grow yourself and make it possible that you are capable of living all by yourself with all the needful facilities, then enter into a marriage, so noone is bothered.