Please help - My brother is gay

ks & sm,

-Whatever I wanted to write to op, had already conveyed in my first post

-i thought -why we need to be educated and develop tolerance on this subject...if we find it difficult to digest due to our mindset which I can not change...I respect others views and don't like if someone make funny statements over other's views, specially on such a serious topic*

-I didn't say that her brother is affecting next generation, in my opinion if kids happen to see such things around it would be bad / confused impact for their childhood( but it is a different subject and was not in answer to OP, don't want to discuss in this tread) **

-I know 'acceptance' and counselling / sittings with sexologist to understand himself are the only solution here,( as we are helpless, not willingly), but no one should impose one's view to make others accepted
*

 

Yep bebe. This would be the right title.

 

Actually, it is quite possible that the real world is not soooo intolerant and NH's immediate family may come to accept it. It is the internet which kind of concentrates the intolerance, methinks, because of the anonymity it offers. A lot of people on this forum know me in real life and I cannot get away being nasty here (yes, some of my friends do come and ask me what the heck were you thinking when you write stuff like that. That makes me accountable.) Internet or not, anonymity or not, were we to give the other person's feeling a thought we will moderate our thoughts ourselves. My Two Cents.
The friend I was talking about comes from a very orthodox family, his parents have made peace, so have the siblings' in-laws. But I am sure were he to post here he would be told he is hurting his parents - which is not true.
I just wanted to thank some of the people here, Infitehopes, spiderman, dhaanika, bebe and others for providing a counter viewpoint without letting this thread get out of hand and help NH through a tough time. I know I am in safe hands when I go through a tough phase and were I to post it here... There is something for me to learn here.

 

Hi Needhelp2010,

Hats off to you ! For the well balanced, rational and realistic way you are dealing with the personal situation you are in. :bowdown

Excellent and fine balancing skills I must say , the way in which you are handling this very delicate and complex emotional turmoil in your immediate family (cautiously being aware not to mix it with your own).

You are well in charge of the situation and doing what best you can individually do, for those who you care and love most. Well done to you :cheers
This in a way, reminds me of my own relationship with my brothers, sisters and parents. I am very close to the last of my six elder brothers and I was very supporive of him when he briefly became a bit irresponsible and my mother worried her life with it. I played the shockabsorber for a couple of years, and was the rock that both my parents and my brother leaned against for support, not even conscious of what they were leaning on !!

 

Perhaps, if your brother's nature of job entails it, he could seek a job offer in another city other than where your parents stay. This will give the time and space necessary for him and your parents to give the issue some time to come to terms and find solutions. A long breather.

Also, your dad could be taken into confidence if he is by nature a balanced man like you. I can tell you definitely, your mother has half accepted it already and has resigned to the reality of it (albeit emotional rejection). Knowing a fact is half acceptance. Coming to terms with it takes a rather long time.

Your discretion of not disclosing it or discussing it with your husband, is also a wise and realistic decision. Although technically he has no right to influence or interfere in your relationship with your family members, Indian men are quite still archaic in assuming they are the sole 'protectors' of their family !

C.V

 

Tikka, Of course, you are absolutely right about it.

For those who think that "its easy in the west because the culture there is more accepting of homosexuality, but not in India because of its tradition..." are forgetting that acceptance for change is tough anywhere, and that everyone has to make an effort to step out of their comfort zones to confront inequality.

I remember watching Oprah's anniversary talk show series, where she followed up on some stories she did back in the 1980's. One of them included a story in West Virginia, about a man who happened to be gay, had HIV, and he took a dive into the public swimming pool on a hot summer afternoon.

The entire town including its mayor was up in arms against this person saying he had no right to live in their society. They said back then: "...we have no problem with him being what he was, but he should just go live his life elsewhere." And "...we're disgusted with him, his lifestyle and everything about him... we despise him" among others. It was a pretty toxic show.

In the follow up show 20 years later, the same people who were brutally unkind to this person apologized to his family on public television without being prompted for it as over time they realized how unfounded their perceptions and fears were.

The point of this narration: Change is tough everywhere, and going against the tide isn't the easiest thing we ever do in our lives. But over time, its those little changes that bring about a massive transition in society's outlook. Please do not just sit back and succumb to the passive societal pressures, take a stand against things that you care about. Make your time and opinions count toward something positive.

 

When this thread was new...there were very useful supportive suggestions. Now it seems that this is become a full on discussion about right and wrong.....lets get one thing clear....what may seem wrong to me, might be right for someone else..and the other person's wrong will be totally right for me.

Coming back to the topic....first of all it has been scientifically proved that being gay is NOT a choice. Infact, there are multiple instances of various species exibiting homosexual tendencies....all those people who are asking if the brother can be asked to choose otherwise....well you are just plain ignorant.

And please, you might not agree with one person's lifestyle, but you have no right what so ever to judge, the only person qualified to judge is the person themselves.

And all this talk about society and what 'they' will say, is pure Bullsh*t..and no I am not apologetic for my language....Let'g get one thing clear..the same society that you are so worried about, will not turn around and feed you when you are broke and hungry! one who does not sustain me, does not influence me....

NH - My dear, you are a beacon of light for your little brother, how lucky he is to have someone in his life, as wonderful as you, to share his most dreaded secret with. Stay strong my friend...may truth and courage sustain you and your brother, till these storm clouds pass.

Also....to someone to refered to gay people as "these" people in quotes...Shame on you!...segregating and degrading a decent segment of our own humankind

 

OMG...can I watch...I never thought this was possible!!!

What a brilliant comment!!!! love it!!:rotfl

 

Hi,

I think you are a fantastic sister and your brother is lucky to have one. I am a gay man and long for the understanding of my family members who love me lots but they love society too much. In south Asian its not your close loving friends and family that will torment you but its the gossiping relatives and fools around. Your parents will have to deal with and in India it is a nightmare. In that kind of society money,power and politics are the only thing that buy peace because its very bigoted :drowning. There are many gay people who do well for themselves and try to support straight causes yet they get harassed and no equal rights from the law. India needs to repeal its sodomy laws its :bonk outdated. Just as a heterosexual married couple loves intimacy,passion and commitment so does a homosexual couple. There are happy married homosexual couples in the US and Canada raising children and are monogamous of which some are south Asian origin. There is a wrong stigmatization that gays are all about sex, India has the highest population after China??? I have seen many unhappy Indian marriages where both suffer but stay on just to appease family :bowdown there is a line to be drawn between suffering sacrificing and respectful happiness. Unless your parents become stronger and not pay attention to others it will be a difficult line that your brother and family to walk. Your parents have to understand that nobody feeds or supports them so outsiders reaction stays PUTT-IGNORE THEM. I told my mother her BP is up because she is :hide:, I told her she can have everything she just has to change her colored eyeglasses. Your mom has to do that or her health can deteriorate, she has to be sorry to put it in a harsh way. Your brother is better off in developed countries like Australia, Europe, Canada or USA. He can always apply for work or immigration, Canada, New Zealand and Australia allow immigration on work or education skills. Even South Africa and European countries allow work related emigration. On plenty of gay websites there are guys who want stable relationships and countries like Canada, UK allow individuals to sponsor their spouses and emigrate. The options are not easy but they are workable. Just stay calm, poised and do what you have too. Forget the rest they are baggage not needed you want real friends and real family. Be BOLD & BEAUTIFUL. If you needed more information just message me. Cheers all the best. :thumbsup