Am i being selfish???

Humble,

I feel that the one step that you are going to take [ visit jut once first and continue it later] will make all the difference.

After all, you are an adult. Why be afraid of other adults for the rest of your life, afraid to visit them alone or afraid to take an initiative with them ? Things will change for the best- when you take the first step. It is not difficult. Just simply go. Just one time to begin with. Let it be a formal visit. Start building the relationship. I know of parents and children [ who were earlier uncomfortable with each other] re-bonded/re-reconciled at the age of 80+ . At least let the last breath be beautiful, let the ending be beautiful, if not the start of the story.

There is always a first time-the first time you learned painting, the first time you went to school. Wast it painful ? yes . But now everything seems easy. So make peace/build a broken relationship even if it is the first time and you have not done it before.

How they take your gesture should matter to them and not you. What steps you take to build communication with them should matter to you and not them. You need to have peace of mind. So, go ahead.

 

Hi,
If your dh understands you then dont worry. If you are selfish you will not bother this much. my bro and sil lives near my parents house and visit them every weekend that way they have good relationship without much fights from day to day issues . you can shift your home within reachable distance and if they need your help due to health condition you can move to their house temporarily. Try to show your love and respedt every time you visit that will create a bond.

 

Dear Humble...you have been so wrong all your life!Even I am an introvert..I hate to talk to people just for the heck of it.Yet,I keep in touch with my IL's.When we marry..we dont just marry 1 person...we marry and enter their family.This is our Indian culture.Imagine,how your IL's would have/have been feeling that their DIL is aloof and does not talk to them.
If money is the solution to all problems..then god save you.Everyone likes to be independent.Even your IL's...but they are helpless.Even you will feel the same...you want to do things yourself..but will be helpless.You are not doing them a favour by checking on them...giving them money.Had your IL's been fine...it would have been completely fine for you to do the same.
Be it your parents or IL's..if they need support..it is emotionally and financially.I feel bad for your husband that he has such a cold wife.For you...it is just a privacy issue..for them,it is the matter of spending their last/difficult days with someone they love.

I am saying this to you since I can understand your nature..I am just like you.I dont like to mix with people.But,you are being so very selfish.

 

I am like you ... I prefer to keep relations at an arms distance. When I am in India I want the exact setup.

Dont go on the guilt trip and harass yourself. Just do what you think is reasonable.

 

Hello Humble,

I am also like you, a very private person who appreciates my own & others private space. But the thing with life is you cannot always be rigid with your choices & ways. We have to constantly adapt to the situations thrown at us.

In this case, I personally feel that your IL's need for care & love is greater than your need for privacy. The best solution would be what you already tried, that is to bring them nearby, which they have rejected. How about you guys moving close to them? They cant stop you from doing that right?

Even if you do end up bringing them to your home, please make sure you are mentally prepared to take up the task. It should not be that you end up resenting them everyday & it makes a mess of everyones lives. Even if you do everything you are supposed to do for them & take care of them, but at heart you resent them, it will be a bad situation. So do what you can to help, they deserve it, but only if you are prepared.

You all deserve to be happy & to be loved.

Tanuja

 

Its never too late to start any relationship.

I think you are just thinking too much as to what would in laws think ? what would husband think etc. just take one baby step at a time and start building the relationship.

May be next time when there is a festival or something, just go there and stay overnight... watch how your MIL does it.. just mingle with them..and see how it feels and how they respond... dont think too much as to how they would feel.. Just imaging if there was a deadline for you in a project wont you do it ? just set yourself a dead line and start off...

once you are comfortable (if not 100% atleast 50% ok) think of getting them to your place and living under the same roof.. duplex is a very good idea and also if you are financially well to do, you can have maids who can assist you in the added responsibility.

 

You have spent at least some moments here and there with them and still if you have absolutely no clue about what they think about you, I would say they are extremely restrained. I think, it gives you one reason to relax a bit. Even in those few and far between moments, how was their behaviour with you?
I think more than them and your DH, it's the outsiders who are the cause of these guilt trips. IMO, if you were following your mother's customs and your PILs/DH didn't have a problem with it, you were doing nothing wrong. So, don't worry about it.
If you do want to take the first steps and get involved in their customs I think it's a very good time to do so It's the festive season and I guess you will be celebrating them together. I hope it will be the icebreaker for you people and everything turns out well.

 

hi

i read your post as well as the replies with great interest. I feel that neither are you selfish nor selfless. The point is that since you have never lived with your in laws you are feeling awkward and uneasy. After a decade or so of being your own boss it is difficult to bow down or even consult someone else. This will happen if your in laws live with you. But what i wanted to know is that if they have not troubled you too much as ILs why dont you try to form a bond with them by visiting them more often on your own. With husband it is different. Then once you establish a comfort level with them, you could probably suggest them shifting to an apartment near your house or a duplex.

secondly regarding what they think about you, i feel that it would not be bad as otherwise they would have definitely complained to your hubby or some other relative about you. Even when you are living in the same city and are not together and they havent made much of a protest is great. Also as you have written that you have consulted your mom more for various occasions and still they havent complained or told you to do certain things according to their house custom is another factor in your favour.

My situation is reverse . I have lived with them for 5 years and now 5 years abroad. They were definitely not the best ILs and if i have to go back to India , I will have to live with them or rather they with me. They would infact demand it. Even for holidays i have to spend more time with them as compared to my parents.since your ILs are not like that, i think you can make an effort to know them better. Who knows you may be pleasantly surprised.

ramya

 

hi
we are all cultured human beings. we have to adjust with our people as we are not living in jungles. we are able to adjust with the 3rd person in office and neighbourhood and not with our own people.they are ur husband's parentswho has to be taken care by u people only.they should be adjusting only as by living with u they have to do some sacrifices and adjustments on their Side also, life is one time only. we have to make it meaning ful.think twice before u take any step

 

Hi Humble,
Just wanted to say that there are many others with the same kind of dilema. After living abroad for nearly a decade, many of our friends are returning to India. So living with in-laws is a common topic of discussion among us. We have all learnt to live and manage our household in a way that works for us. Hence living with parents (our own or inlaws) and having to answer to them is a bit hard to imagine. Unfortunately we spent very less time with inlaws, so it is even harder. Of course my friends think that the inlaws can move in with them if they fall sick, etc.
My point is, as many have also said, dont worry about whether you are being selfish or not. This is just how you feel and you need to work out a solution you can live with. Actually I liked the suggestion that perhaps you should move closer to them, if they wont move near you.
They have already formed an opinion about you. So just go and help out as much as you could. It does look like they are in need of your help.
- Priya