Confused and upset with my hubby's behavior

Nitz, It seems you are in confusion whether your husband really loves you or having affairs. You need to pacify yourself first and rather than having heavy discussion with him, try to discuss the issue and clear it off. Ofcourse, what he is doing is also to some extent not correct (like beating, abusing, etc). Dont get panic or dont think abt suicide etc. It seems, he is okay except abt the affairs (need to be proven). You also, make yourself clear and be bold and help him in daily activities. So that he too will understand your confidence level and talent. Then hopefully he might behave in positive manner.
Never and ever think about suicide stuff. Only timid people, who cannot fight in their life will think in that way. Fight for your life in a positive side. But do not give up or raise arguments.
Have faith on god and try to make yourself confident enough to face any situation and try to keep your married life happy.
Hope my words make sense. If not, Sorry.
Hope you feel better.
Om Sai ram.

 

You are still confused if your husband is right or wrong. In that case, why don't you hire someone officially and spy him? Get some solid proofs if he is at fault.

And NO NO to physical abuse. It will have a very bad effect on your daughter too.

If hes not really at fault, then you are on the right path. Keep working towards your goal. Become something and gain your self-respect and confidence.

 

Nitz

First of all I am baffled with the kind of things you wrote and inspite of all that you keep consoling yourself stating he did all this for you and the kid, he loves you guys, he takes care of you, he had tears in his eyes...

So for a while can we look at from other angle???

This stuff that he is doing..i.e controlling you, beating you, beating you inspite of you being pregnant (which is the most hidious thing any man can do), having talks with girls and giving some excuses, why would his friend use his id and put it on his name?? do you think any man would say yes to all this (am sure our male members would confirm this...)No one would say yes, if someone asks let me use your id to send sexual messgs to another girl...If your husband had let someone else use it why is he still accessing those mails??

Seems like your husband is a big time abuser and Liar. He might be into some emotional affair with this lady (because if a married man keeps photos of another girl other than his wife/mom/sis/daughter its sure something to doubt about...)

So STOP givign reasons that your dad did everything for you before marriage, you never stepped out of the house...so what does that say?? that you are incapable of living your own life?? that you are still a daddys girl??? now you are a mom so GROWUP.

Also whatever the reason is your husband came to US, I dont see any thing that shows that you wanted to come abroad so he came...if he had no chance of coming here, still would he be interested to come with his own money??? like for a vacation??Even if it happens, just a question..IF a man beats you up black and blue and ensures he fulfills all your wishes..can we really call it as LOVE?? is it LOVE? I just hate to use that word LOVE...because in the name of LOVE what allnonsense is happening you can read your post for yourself.

GIVE HIM A STRONG WARNING. CALL 911 next time..Let him face hte repercussions. Also callup your inlaws as you said they are in good talking terms, tell them that their son is having some talks iwth other girls and he says its office work , but you saw photos of that girl in his computer and you dont like all this and that when you took up the issue with him, he started beating you etc...See whats their reaction , if they tell you to adjust etc, keep quiet and see how things go...might be they would tell their son at the background to watch out what he is doing...If things still dont come back on track, give him a warning once if he beats you stating, you kept quiet all this while, but next time he beats you , you will call 911 and that you wont take all this anymore..and that you are not warning him this is goign to be final decision and that you would go back to India and your husband would be locked up here. Seehow he reacts..if he still beats you up, call 911. Yes seems like he missed the chennai cops, so he would get the right treatment from CA cops.

The more you take this you would end up like a punching bag..nothing more than that..If you keep saying what will others think, it wont help, what if tomorrow something happens to you??? woudl those others take care of your kid?? will your husband be ready to take care of your kid all by himself? am sure he would plan to get remarried and your kid would go through nonsense with a step mom. So why make your kid suffer in all this?? Toughen up STOP giving excuses and STOP finding reasons to avoid taking action. Its going to be very scary the moment you stand up against all this...as standing up is new to you..but the moment you stand up and the nonsense around you stops..you would find lot of confidence to move forward in your life. the decision is yours...

Also please read many such experiences shared by our friends here on this forum http://www.indusladies.com/forums/life-without-spouse/ might be you would know how things start exactly like what you have experienced..and where they end up...i.e 10 yrs , 20 yrs still same treatment no change..and by that time you would be feeling weak, physically and mentally and lost all self confidence so you cant even step out and start a new life...so think about whats going on! Dont know sometimes I dont understand what is the use of getting educated, we rather be uneducated like in olden days and do nothing..rather than being educated, working, financially independant and still take crap and beatings from men really sad to hear how women make excuses to just stay married (doesnt matter whatever is the fear).

 

As SriVidya Said,
1. No Male person will allow other friends to use his id especially for sex talks.
That too, if he reallly dont know that his friends used his id, he could have deleted them long back. But he did not. So, here we can doubt him.
2. You were telling LOVE. Srividya's argument or statement is perfectly correct.
No person ever treat his wife (like beating ) who is giving birth to his child. If he really loves you, he could never do that.
3. You need to find reasons to take any action. As a girl, its no where written that you need to face all the atrocities created by a man (in this case, your husband).
First approach your in-laws ..(i dont think it will work, since if he know this, he will beat you again).
Call 911 and take some action against him
These kind of guys need to be treated well, then only they will change.
If he dont change, you have to be brave enough to take care of yourself.

Think carefully and take a proper decision.

Om Sairam

 

The straight answer to your question is no, he does not love you. He may love his idea of his love for you, that’s about it. No fundamentally decent chap would beat his wife – not even once. It’s simply not done. You must learn to face this. To say “oh, he beat me five times in June, but only three times this month, so things must be improving …” is to be blind to the truth about his nature. The guy’s a fraud. Look at it this way. How often does he lose his temper and get angry with his boss or his clients? Never, right? Why not? Because even if his boss were to treat him shabbily, your not very dear husband knows that trying to attack his boss would not be a smart career move. After all, the statement “punched boss and single-handedly destroyed Bank of America account for Wipro” is not exactly a resume builder, is it? So, even when he feels ticked off at his boss, there’s a circuit in his brain that keeps him aware of the consequences. That same circuit needs to kick-in in his interactions with you, no matter how many times you forget to pay the electricity bill or whatever. It does not kick-in because he values you less. It's irrelevant whether he is willing to admit it or not. You need to face this and face it now. You must judge him by his actions not his words.

I understand that you have lived a very sheltered life - nothing wrong with that. Now, that needs to change. The US is a great place to learn to be independent and reinvent yourself. You said that you gave up the idea of doing yourself in because you have a two year old daughter. Now extend that thought and your horizons a bit more – you need to be strong, you need to be confident, you need to be independent, you need to grow in every way imaginable because you have two year old daughter. Most of all, you need to get out – now, before he has a chance to really hurt you.

Love often makes us more vulnerable, not less. It can be sustained only if we are held gently by those whom we love. Otherwise someone you love can still be very bad for you.

 

Nitz,

Your story is horrifying. I really fear for you and your daughter. Your husband sounds like an absolute monster. And you sound like a very sweet woman with a lot of love and forgiveness in you.

Women like you deserve so much better than men like him. Girls like your daughter deserve a better father. He should feel lucky to have you. Instead he does all this to you.

Please call 911 next time. Or better yet, leave this loser and go back to your parents place. How can you work on the marriage even, when every day with him is a risk to your life?

Please think about it. For you and your daughter's sake. A BIG HUG TO BOTH OF YOU. Will pray for your safety.

 

Nitz, the more I read your story the more I am convinced that he brought you to US so that he has a better access to 'girls'. I really don't think its love which has made him bring you and your daughter. Like others suggested, you should call 911 immediately next time he lays a finger on you aggressively.

See Nitz, right now you daughter is only 2 but she knows the tension in home. Kids get affected very deeply seeing your husband hitting you. She will have life long impact on her future relationships.
You and your daughter deserve better. Talk about this to your parents and most importantly HIS parents. See what they say. I am fairly sure that they would send flight tickets to get you back.

Edit: I see you are in Sunnyvale. Here is the link for support groups in Sunnyvale for battered women.

Moderators, Please, I know its against the policy to post external links but Nitz really needs this because of the domestic violence she is into with a 2 year old daughter.

http://www.supportnetwork.org/.

They are in Sunnyvale. This helps women and families suffering domestic violence by providing a residential shelter, counseling, legal advocacy and other critical services at no or very little cost. Their number is 1.800.572.2782 (toll free). Don't copy the number but make sure you remember it in your heart. They work 24/7. I am giving this information for you just in case you chicken out in calling 911, you can contact them and talk to them about your issue. If your parents are sending a ticket for you to return home, you can take shelter here until help arrives. Its completely confidential.

 

Nitz,
I think Rakhii's suggestion is good. Think carefully and make a good step. It will be good for your daughter's future also.
Om Sairam