How to convince DW to mingle with my family ?

Jay

why these contradictory statements here??? so if your mom is old model kind..so why cant she forgive whatever happened in the past and move on to meet her DIL half way through atleast?? why expect DIL to call and plead for forgiveness...on theother hand you expect the same forgiveness from your wife?? why??

sometimes I dont understand this logic at all...forgiveness is the same ..it wont change...whether its DIL/MIL/kids/neighbours/friends...everyone has their own way of doing it and accepting it or giving it...so if a DIL cant let go...its like all modern girls are like this ..less tolerance levels..cant forgive quickly types...on the other hand, your mom wont come forward to keep peace and thats called as ohh she is of old generation we have to bend as per their needs...

I guess we all have to maintain balance in our approach and expectations. Neither your mom nor your wife have to really giveup what their beleifs are..but at the same time they have full right to be hurt and not wanting to mingle freely anymore. But yes both of them need to be able to atleast be in the same room without any fire crackers flying around...i.e keeping peace of the family....now comes your part to explain the same to both sides...(can you see now why your wife still cant trust you:bonk you say something but internally you beleive/think something else...)

 

hi jd,
after going thro your posts, i feel that you have done enough to bring a raport in the family. it is now your dw 's turn to come around. how many times you nurture /brood over past things, nothing is going to be changed on what has happened. like dw is pointing fingures at your mom, so all so your dw is retaliating. there is no difference in them. it is a family and not a war front to show power of strengths. what is good for the welfare of the family should always be done at any cosst means, let who so ever is hurt let them feel hurt. you dont need to take that extra step to convince your dw /mom . you invite your mom. if dw refuses dont bother . b'cos it is your child and your house that you are inviting your mom just for one day and you have every right to do so. if mom complains your wife not being cordial etc., dont bother to pacify her. tell her that it is for the sake of her son that she has visited you. and it is very much clear no one can expect anything more after what all has happened. try two or three visits like this, and believe that one day things slowly start moving to a cordial hi/bye relations. tell your dw also that what she will do if her boss in office behaves rudely. she has to adjust there atleast for sometime till she finds another job. like wise she has to adjust for the few hours your mom is going to visit you. time and again you keep promising her that you are on your dw's side and that you will not allow your mother to abuse her anymore. your dw has taken things too very deeply into her heart that is unable to forget the past. give her time to get assured that by allowing your mom inside your place for a few hours she will lose hold on you. she has to get ther grip of solid footing then she will not be opposing your mom's visits.
all the best for a peaceful married life and may the new comer in your family bring all cheers with him/her.

 

Jay

Your pain/worry is all understood and very well taken...but do you remember what one of our poster (Visu) said in your first thread...the key here is communication..

When you are communicating with your wife, you should talk in a way that she is the FIRST priority...her feelings, her hurt, her anger and her opinion matters more...This is all magic of words and a bit of tact. If you keep saying ohhhh my mom was willing to patch up but you are not ready, I have changed but you are not ready to change or see the change, why cant you understand etc..etc...I mean even if you use these infront of your wife, doesnt matter how calm the mood was till then, am sure she would flare up...because think of the magnitude of the affect your mom had on your wife..where your wife totally severed her contacts..you cornering your wife showing her negativities/weaknesses wont help the situation...

Best way is...as every one said, let the delivery happen calmly..no issues..meanwhile do let her know that as you are coming to India for good, it is a wise idea to invite everyone and share your happiness and introduce everyone to your wife and kids..let her invite her side of family and friends and you would invite your side of friends and family...if she doesnt want to talk to someone its ok..she can avoid them in that big gathering..be prepared and assure her that you wont pester her or push her to meet anyone,.or talk to anyone. But yes she has to allow kids to mingle with everyone , as kids should know their extended families so that tomorrow if someone asks them they should be able to relate to that person and talk about them. we all should know whom we are related to isnt it??? just simple reasons...simple suggestions..and again ASK her opinion. Suggest you would be very happy to share your family info and mingling with all your old friends and relatives n family.

Please take one step at a time. Remember it shouldnt be like I have changed, so why cant the world see the change in me, when people want to, they would see the change, but you have to constantly reassure them and one day surely it dawns on them.

Also no need to undermine your moms feelings or respect here. Tell your mom you would take care of things andd that she doesnt has to go overboard. I am sorry to say this, but I have seen this in some elders, first of all they would bad mouth/.do somethings to an extent where the other person is so hurt, the pain is immense and the same elderly person wants to patch up with some sweet words...so tell me what would any SANE person think about such a elderly person???wont we be scared wondering what is next with this eldely person? what are they planning, where we have to take the hurt and pain again, when and how etc...all those anxities will be there and sometimes, whenever we see the person all the past gets raked up..but yeah ..we cant even totally cut off ties thats the only reason..you have to give here..to your wife..and tell her ..finally its your mom..good /bad sometimes we just have to move on..but you have to assure your wife that you wont..definitely..would not..let your mom influence you or take you for a ride no matter what it is...

Be at it..am sure she would come around...hope your second kid brings in joy and love and peace in the family..good luck

 

Jay, I went through your thread and also the earlier thread..What is happening to you now is inorder to save your marriage you are somehow holding your mother entirely responsible for the problems....Srividya in her first reply has said very right that no wife can ever hope or wish that the DH will never talk to his mother or other members..

To me whatever you have described about your wife persoanlity is not something one can ignore or brush aside. She definitely has her own issues, and even if all the members are removed from your life forever , you still see how your life will evolve...Your DW seems more of a controlling type and who would never agree to her wrongs just because someone else is telling her that she is wrong...

I feel your problems are going to compound being in India given the facts abour your circumstances and past history....It is not easy to solve the tangle... for you...

Also I read somewhere you said that you did not break with your wife because she is good to your DD? What does this mean.? Even if you sepearte she would probably keep the DD with her so how does it matter?

On the contrary if she was not good with DD it would have made sense that you dont break so that you can too take care of the child by being there...

 

So the DW and her parents are right and Jay and his parents are wrong. Wow.. Why would Jay's inlaws not speak to his parents? why would they listen to their daughter or her command that when she says speak, they will speak and if not then not? Why dont they say that it is between you and them and we dont want to show our disrespect of hatred towards them? why dont they at least maintain a reasonable amount of communication to make feel better that the relations are not totally damaged?

So in all this Jay should just think of his inlaws because he has not lived with them and dont know how they would treat him but cannot he and his family see how his inlaws are treating them on the behest of his wife?

Does the same logic which you said Jai to apply not apply to his inlaws?


Jay, you are absolutely right in your below statement. That your wifes parents have to maintain some relation and cannot act in vacuum if they want to save their daughter marriage. Are they acting matured? No.... but they are surely acting on their DD COMMAND..Because they should know this rift is only going to cause bittnerness in families and in your relationship with your wife...

 

Tridev I know your posts and that your inlaws also refuse to talk..point is the way people claim that a guy cannot be influenced by his mother same goes for girl or her parents.
I guess each would have had enough of what they were getting to severe all ties.. or is it in Indian system the parents of the bride have to continue taking nonsense from her out of control inlaws and hear to stupid divorce threats (my case) and continue calling them on special occassion with no reciprocation from the grooms side cos they choose to be forever unhappy? JUST TO SAVE THEIR DAUGHTER'S WEDDING?

I guess first the issue is to be resolved in husband and wife cos the wife's parents cant continue taking the trash forever with neck down and moving it in agreement, if the guys side simply refuses to accept any common mistake its in best interest of parents to isolate....
Just as the way a guys family supports him in right or wrong so should a gals family, in case when either of the elders are true/mature and clear no such conditions arise.. however sadly in Indian system first inlaws isolate gals parents from her day to day life, support their son in all right and wrong and return to girl's parents only to blame their upbringing and post complains... LOVELY PRACTICES of INDIAN MARRIAGES.
if issues are not settled between the married people, their frustrations are vent out on Indian parents as to with what upbringing they sent their daughter to her inlaws place.. as if a transferrable cow :bonk...........

 

Shilpa Ma, Indeed Indian marriages are not easy. With so many relations revolving around all the time. Even a minor tiff can create big problems. First of all in marriage husband and wife themself have to adjust to each other for a long time and to make marriage work and on top of that both set of inlaws can also create their own problems .. Then it becomes more tough to maintain married life.. But I have seen and known people and couples who have absolutely no problems from in laws , just duo and still marriages are failing... I feel human nature is so complex that it is beyond analysis...Marriage is not easy, Divorce is more tough.. Dont know what is the solution....

 

Dear Jay, You are showing so many signs of a volcano and sooner or later you would errupt. Then ask yourself how your wife can be reasonable enough and step forward to speak to your mom who was indirectly responsible for all her misery ?

Dear Tridev - i hav read about your inlaws in som of your posts. Jay's situation is not like yours. And speaking about Jay why inlwas should isolate guy's parents and all - Jay's ILs are behaving decent.. put yourself in Jay's parents shoes - when own daughter is facing hell lot of issues from inlaws you still want to speak to them and take crap just to save daughter's marriage ?! isint it decent just to keep away !

Jay , The damage that has happened over a period of time is too much to be solved in a short time. Just take it slow. Please do not try to make this patchup now during her pregnancy. These kind of mental stress triggers all false alarms and complications. Your intentions are good timing is not right.