Husband abandoned me in US and am alone here! help me

Dear Nice,

You have said it is 7 days since he has left you. And you found out that he is on a 40 days vacation.

But there is 1 thing i wud like you to clarify why in the first place has your husband abandoned you?? There shud be some solid reason for that right!! I really hope it was not any mistake by you which made him take that drastic decision.First pls be clear on the root cause of him abandoning you and thinking of a second marraige.

If you are at fault then am sorry but you will have no say in this. Best wud be to go in for a mutual seperation than making a huge drama. But if you are not at fault, then there is no point in reconciling with this person. Make sure you come out of this clean!!

Pls respond and let us know the cause for all this so that we have better clarity and can advice/suggest you accordingly.

Pls dont get offended for my comments i am only trying to think practically,coz in a situation like this, right now there is no room for emotions.You have to think practically and act.Its already 7 days and still there is no clarity as what to do/how to go forward with absolutely no help. There is no time to think that maybe if it happnd this way that wud be better or anything like that.

Take Care & good Luck

 

CP you are right, the only option is that OP to find employer to process new H1 . Her husband's H1 is his H1 it cannot be trf to his wife and I am sure not the job either, as it is skills specific and employers dont entertain this personaly sympathy ...For OP to find a job and H1 that chances are very bleak, even the H1 quota is available to great extent, one reason that USCIS not approving H1 and other being employers not filing for H1 as they used to earlier.

Finding a H1 sponsor and a job is very difficult these days for sure..

 

Hope some cool heads prevail here. Calling other members irresponsible is not polite. CP said the same thing but communicated the point. Here everyone trying to help this poor girl who is deeply hurt emotionally & is confused at this time. All members are just trying to offer different perspectives, nothing is gospel truth & may/may not work, however one should stay positive yet we can differ in views. I have seen other advises here which some members even said, is reckless. All members gives lot of wordy advises, but at least I offered financial support, don't know hows that irresponsible. I said before, punishing persons isn't going to solve problems but only complicate matters. If dog bites, we don't bite back.. let god answer take care of punishing... every dog has a day.

Anyway, the way I meant H1B transfer is trying his employer to process a new h1b for the same job on compassionate ground, (not exactly the transfer FM spouse to another..) a new application when quota is still at infancy & the fact it provides legal status quo is worth taking a chance, again all depends on employer who is willing to lend an ear & their attorney agrees to it. it's all a try instead sitting & crying at a corner..To me his husband leaving for 40 days is timed perfectly just to give tensions to the wife.. & see what she does.. My gut feeling is he will come back, has to b/c he also knows her h4 expiry, probably has to move his employer for extension... even otherwise, I would think, she can ask the employer to move the h4 extension if not a new h1b. Saving the money what ever left is wise & she shouldn't bother paying rent or any other fixed bills and let that build up & let husband come and take care of that.. apartment aren't going to take at least 4-5 months to evict anyone for not paying rent..

If she want to continue the same game his husband playing & play cool for some time, just gather some money, buy tkt to india & don't tell anyone or clue leaving everyone guessing where in the world she went.. am sure he will come & looking for her after some time.. at that time engage him & talk terms.... for now I think separation for small period is required for each of them to think what they miss each other... other alternative is to let this 40 days go, see what he does after & decide to leave anyway after Aug if he isn't going to apply extn..cause he might even turn the whole story wrong.. saying he just went for cooling off, nothing else.. no intent etc..

 

Dear Nice,


As u have mentioned in your post there was physical abuse as well as mental torture. So if you go to a local women's shelter they will help you with.

• Counselling
• Visa status
• Job
• Legal Help.

You need to be clear and consice about what happened. You can write it down if you want.

Here are a few option in Co ..if thats where you live.
Project Safeguard - Legal advocates are available to assist women who are preparing to apply for protection orders in civil court:
Denver - (303) 863-7233
Adams County - (303) 637-7761
Arapahoe and Douglas County - (303) 344-9016
Broomfield County (720) 887-2179
Denver and Jefferson County - (303) 863-7233
Outside the Denver Metro Area (888) 723-3473


DENVER Area - Women Shelters
AMEND (Treatment for batterers) 2727 Bryant St., Suite 350 Denver, CO 80211 Adams County County Phone: (303) 832-6363 Fax: (303)480-9661
Asian Pacific Development Center 1825 York Street Denver, CO 80206 Phone: 303-393-0304
Asian Pacific Development Center 1544 Elmira Street Aurora, CO 80010 Denver County County Phone: (303)365-2959


Hope this helps.
FL

 

Hi NP,

It’s very sad to know about your anguish and vulnerable situation. But now its very important for you to think pragmatically and do things that can alleviate your troubles.
I am in complete accordance with some IL members that you should go back to India. If you feel that doing so you will create problem for your parents’ then donot overlook the fact that they might be more worried concerning your safety here aboard.

I don’t see anything promising here with your Visa status. H4 Visa status is most susceptible to problems. Imagine what if your husband joins some other company, then what about your status? It’s not safe to stay in USA on H4 without having someone to safeguard you and moreover changing H4 to H1 is very difficult.

The best way to come out of this dreadful situation is you becoming independent by getting yourself a job, probability of which is higher in India than USA. If you have an inclination towards USA then try to get H1B (this will take time as you may have to freshly start your carrer) and come back latter.

Society in India is changing and accepting women with their new identity so donot worry much about society. Problems will be there but your parents and friends will definitely support you emotionally and morally. If still at your place society is a problem then stay in metropolitan places like Bombay, Bangalore, Pune…there no one will bother you in your personal matters and particularly Mumbai has lot of opportunities (not confining only to IT). There are many working women hostel so you can make a decent and respectful living with your determination to fight with bad things in your life.

If you are bonded to your husband emotionally then it may take time to overcome as LOVE will remain only for a person who can respects you and your emotions. If he asks for divorce then it’s unnecessary to further convince him to continue the relationship as his decision itself exhibits his intention (forced marriages never flourish). Don’t punish yourself with the thought of punishing him b’coz doing so you will never come out of his memories and keep falling back into same old pessimism.

Respect your life and start living (already 40days of wait is over) as you can’t wait for him ever. Try to settle the matter being in India as your family will be your strength, parallelly look for job and slowly everything will fall into places. This matter may take time but all depends on your will power. I personally know few ladies in my hostel those who had gone through this painful situation but I was impressed to know how they dealt with their misfortune and looked forward for a new beginning.

Remember there’s always a beginning so never lose hope. Even God helps them who help themselves. Our best wishes are with you and we are sure that soon you will have happy things to share with all.

 

Dear NB,
There are specific women's shelters for South Asian women. Yes they are good and help you in all ways. They are existing because women on Visa (H4) who cannot work get threatened and are afraid to contact authorities.

You should find out about that ..

FL

 

Hi Nice,

We were praying for you, good that you came back. Did you find out what are his plans for your H4 extension Beyond Aug? is he or his employers have any plan in moving papers for your extension? take care of that first that will give you some relief while you can still hunt for jobs on the sidelines using your old H1b. If he isn't planning, you can do it yourself.. need some info on his h1b, ssn etc.

Try to salvage what has gone bad. Get some one who has known both of you in the house & start a conversation what was his reasons he went out abandoning you or did he? if possible record all his words on tape so it would be helpful later. Watch out.. for any his provocations or physical stuff, record & all of this will help you later even if you go to Shelter. he should think twice before he does anything like this. Ideally see if you have friends house you can stay for some time & let him not have a clue. I hope this separation will take him out of his consciousness & start behaving better. Things will work out for you. Don't panic.. also don't fall for him now that he is back. Stay cool & think cleverly.

 

Np, I admire your grit and determination, that you stood so strong in such a situation and not went running after him to India. But always remember, we all have to , that we should not let our ego become our strenght. We have to keep our ego very low inorder to survive in any relationship. May be you may get over this relationship but in future if we dont learn and understand what to do in specific situations we may land up again in the similar situations due to our own habits and attitudes. That is why we have to learn from failures to step for success..in any sphere of life...
While I am typing I am reinforcing those ideas into my head too..

It is remarkable that you are fighting to get a h1b, job and also a womans shelter, I am not sure how but if there is any help you need we can help you on IL.

I am very shortly going to India, I am in same dilemma, what is in store in my life in future. My wife did not abandon me but she did leave in anger and frustration due to disharmony. She left abruptly amidst our plans to relocate to India which were already in progress and timeline decided..The whole situation changed from then, even though I am going as per my plan still to some it may look I am going because she is not with me.

Well still I dont want to bring my ego in between for the sake of kid, because for me wellfare of my son is very important even if we both are not together. I still should be able to see my son , be part of his life. I cannot keep the ego that she has gone to India abruptly now I will never go, though technically I can keep living in US, keep working or find new jobs and have no immigration issues as of now...

What I will do in future will greatly depend on my near future experiences.

What you did is right in your situation..God helps those who help themselves. Dont stay in abusive enviornment, since he is back and the frustration may still ignite big time problems and things may get messy sooner than you can realise. Try to find some work where you can work, for time being, look for some Indian store or some place where you can work part time or get some money and also keep looking for others to help , there are people out there to help always..