Have you ever regretted allowing your career to take backseat for your family?

Kavya, I have no doubts with your motherhood and when you know you gave full to your child you were investing your time into him.
Had you left him like other mothers you meniton you could have invested the same time into your career. You were not one of them so pls dont regret for the setback.

Most of the working women give equal justice to baby & job which can't be matched with those who're not doing it. If you were one of them who wanted family and kids then theres no scope of regret. A day has dedicated 24 hrs for all, while guys and singles can invest 20 to work, a mother can seldom do it & it finally reflects into career.
We all pass through low phases but then pls get over with this one and cheer up :thumbsup... again move on.

 

hi,
yes,yes,yes ..................atleast 10 times a month.well,but then i used to regret working also leaving my dh at home(no kids at that time & dh had private practice at home)
point is to say that both situation we will regret .u have proved urself how u felt when u had to leave ur dh due to ur studies.
i am sure at that time u must have thought WHAT A GREAT PERSON HE IS
because his decision was in ur favour while he suffered himself.

kavy,even if one is our spouse we can't enter their heads.he may have thought 100 times to shilf near u but may not have said anything verbally fearing it may depress u..........or may have even looked for jobs near u ,failed & was embrassed to tell a very professionally successful wife that he failed to get job.

it was in between this recession period when job was hard to find.nobody in right mind would have left job in this insecure times.
u were already depressed after baby & then the un helpful inlaws so he may have choosen to keep quiet about his feelings so as to not add to ur misery................

u ,urself has an answer that is learn to love unconditionally.its not as if u buy some product & it needs to work right now.love is like a seed.u put in ground & wait for it to grow.............many a times plant may not be to ur expectation but still u need to keep on watering it to let it grow more & more.end result may surprise u............
let go of past & start a fresh................above all communicate openly.
take care

 

Pragati :bowdown.. it appears to be most appropriate explanation of why one gets that feel and there's no running away from it :thumbsup.

 

Pragati, a great explanation:bowdown and I believe it happens many times too.

Kavya,
Please refrain from thinking that DH is not concerend about your career or is being selfish with his life and career. I don't have speccific answers to your post but, I can tell you what I learnt from my situation. I, too, used to think the same thing about my DH: how can he not motivate me to file for H1b,why does he not help me with gathering college information around my place,no other suggestions from him etc... because he knows how career oriented and ambitious I was (we worked in the same office).I used to get more depressed thinking about all this. Result:delveloped resentment toward my own DH:hide:. Later, I realized that my DH thinks that I am independent enough and I can handle all this alone by collecting information through websites, talking to graduate advisors,talking to my friends, ILites etc. Then, I took the time to do all the research that I wanted and just presented it in front of my DH. HE was more than happy to see my progress. While browsing for some graduate courses, he suggested that I can pursue some short term courses untill I start to apply for graduate courses etc. Regarding H1B,I used to wonder why he does not help me apply for it, now I realize how hard it is. Also, there were days when I used to wonder ,why he does not support me when I am feeling low and then I learn ,he does not want to bother me by saying even one sentence. Our husbands do think about our welfare,kavya, it just goes unnoticed at times.

Ultimately, it is a team now(Wife,DH). No point in thinking who is giving up and who is not. It will so happen that one day, DH will also give up a lot for us (or already doing). I would say, try talking to your husband about this. Do not get into this vicious circle of resentment.It does not help. Try seeing things from his perspective for a few weeks and I am sure you will see the love and support(invisible) that he has for you. Good Luck!!!
P.S.: I have not read your earlier posts.

 

Kavya,

Yesterday I saw on CNN and that one lady gave birth to twins through IVF and she got some serious issue during her delivery and she lost her control on total body,if she would have given brith then she should have been a fine women.Now she has been in bed from last 4 years.She can't even talk.
Her husband left her at her parents place and he wanted to move on with his life and even the kids are not with her.Imagine her life.

So in our life,lot of things will influence in day in day out.Today it's your husband and tomorrow it will be some other element.After sometime it will be kids and lot other.

So if we start blaming for the things which we din't get then there is no limit for it. My philosophy be happy with whatever we got now.

Definitly there are different roles for men and women in this universe.
Your husband didn't ask you to leave the job.You choosen to leave job.He wouldn't have even thought he need to communicate more with you.If he is the person who wanted to stay with you then in the first place he wouldn;t have sent you for hight studies right after the marraige.He left all the choices to you.
I sacriy lot for my family not just for my husband.To keep the family alive and happy as a women I have lot more responsabilities and I will do them without any regret.

I know one of my friend who is hight qualified and professional has been in the home for last 6 years to take care of her small kids as she beleves she need to give the, good care when they are small.Here nothing to blame hubsnad it's her choice.

 

oh Boy !! and I thought I was the only one who quit my job after marriage and was being taunted by DH

I wasn't an extraordinary brilliant student like the OP but I went to an Ivy-league school on a partial scholarship:hide: which was later upgraded.
I got hired by a fortune 100 firm at age 23 with a starting salary of 75K but with very good benefits.After a year I quit the company and joined another for a pay increase and job security. I worked in the company for 2 yrs and they already started my GC process, everything was going on an excellent note till my DH saw me in a temple .His roommate and my BIL were best buddies during their BE in India. He literally stalked me for about a yr and I fell for him...really hard. Despite of his family background, his professional background I convinced my parents and got married to him. All the while I didn't receive any positive feedback about him from anyone.I quit my job as requested by DH and left my GC process 2 months after getting married and came down to VA to stay with my DH.All the while I was ignoring my parents advice.Fastforward to a week after moving in with him...my life started on a downward spiral.Alas !! only if I listened to my parents. MY DH taunted me by saying the firm I worked for kicked me out because I was lazy..He doesn't believe I left the job and my GC process to be with him. I was fed up with how he treated me like a good for nothing girl and I started searching for jobs from the 2nd week I moved in with him..Intial plan was to take a break for 6 months, get a F1 and study something again.The job market was bad and me being on H1, noone was willing to hire me full time. I never lost hope. My parents kept encouraging me.Finally I landed a job in DC but not full time , as a contractor. My salary increased so much that I was awe-struck and the benefits were awesome:crazy. I got my GC process started from square-one again for which I have absolutely no regrets. My only regret is that my DH still doesn't believe that I left the job to be with him and it breaks my heart everytime he says that..Anyways unknowingly he pushed me to earn more money , more benefits and I learnt never ever to quit my job for his sake
Lesson Learnt: Never Ever turn a deaf-ear to your parent's advice:bonk

Tomorrow even if I have a kid I am pretty sure I can and will balance both my family life and my job, atleast I'll try. Finanical security and independance is very important these days. I am ready to send my child to day-care even if I have to be a housewife because that gives him/her the opportunity to make friends, learnt to be helful , behave and share his toys etc with other kids.I have seen the difference between a kid who does go to a good daycare and one who never did. I don't think being career oriented with a kid makes me any less of a good mother. I have seen my cousins (housewives) neglecting their kids, they don't even feed them properely, on time and their kids fall sick all the time and I have seen my own sister who is very very successfull professionally , she is a Sr.VP in one of the major top banks here in the US and she has a 4yr old and she is an awesome mom, looks after her son so well that I am amazed. I think it all depends on a person's perspective.
No woman is by default a good mother if she let's her career take a back seat after a kid.She is only a good mother if she can take good care of her kid. Period !!

 

Priya,

I read a similar one during lunch at work and I wept.It's from CNN. A couple who had triplets. The wife delivered the triplets had bleeding and went into cardiac arrest and now is brain dead.Her husband divorced her and took the triplets away.He says he still loves his ex-wife. How can a person who says he loves her madly just call it quits just because the wife is brain dead but has hopes of a recovery. Ok leave that aside maybe he wanted a normal stress-free life, but how can he not let the kids go near the mother just because she has permanent brain damage as his attorney says. Doesn't the mother who can nod her head as a response and know what is going around her atleast deserve to spend time with her kids. He says it will affect the triplets life since they are still very young. Personally I don't think it's very human for him to do that. The least He could do his give his ex-wife atleast 1/2 weekends to spend with the kids. Looking at the once cheerful woman lie their just helplessly would break anyone's heart. I might not be right but I think the woman deserves some time with the kids ..THey should be physiologically prepared for spending time with her if the ex-husband thinks it's going to affect them

Sorry for diverting the topic. But I felt like voicing my opinion.

 

Kavya, this statement of feeling is not going to help you dear, give it up, his career did not prosper at expense of your health, it prospered because he deserved, no employer in US is going to give promotions for no reason, in fact it is very tough to grow in US. I know your feelings, how hurt you are , its natural to vent out, but for your sanity and healing you have to give the credit to him, you have to not feel jealous of his success, he is your spouse, if he has grown you see it as your success, you see that your sacrifice made him grow, you see that you sucked it up and it helped him, that way you give the credit to yourself too and not put blame on him that on your expense he grew. That will bolster your self esteem, give you pride in yourself, strenghty and courage that you can actually be tough in hard times.

I feel proud for what you achieved, how many can achieve that, full scholorship in Masters? 2people getting selected in campus you being one? getting job in worst times (9 11) , all this shows your strenght and achievement

Yes he was not communicative, or rather expressive of his feelings, because probably he did not even have those, where are expressions going to come from, some people are just like this on surface, very hard to know what they think , how they think, its a mystery.

 

Bubai, hats off to you lady, you are remarkable. really high achievers like this and so patient.

 

I like Tridev's perpesctive of seeing things...they are so true Kavya.

We all know its tough to deal with a difficult person who is not willing to change or do anything to help himself. So its best to change our viewpoints, learn loving yourself unconditionally and believing in yourself first.

Just let go of past feelings and be confident. You sure have so many positive things going on in life, try concentrate on them and succeed in them.
Being happy is the best form of revenge so do it and that in turn might help him turn around too.

Take Care,
Sihi