Mental Health Awareness in Schools

temper tantrum in toddlers contd...

Is it because of a communication problem?

Lots of times children act out because something about the environment (eg, change in routine) is bothering them. They don’t yet have the skills to explain clearly what the problem is. Sometimes, adults mistakenly assume that because we have the coping skills to deal with certain situations, children should also have these.
Yes, it is important to develop coping skills-the key word being develop.

Ask questions to find out what the child wants or is trying to say. For example, sometimes children act up because they are confused by changes in routine. The choices before you are:
1. Adapt to the child’s need, (if it is not a big hassle for you) or
2. Explain to the child he/she has to accept the change.

When you decide which way to go, keep in mind what a toddler is capable of understanding. There is a big difference between what a two year old and what a four year old can accept. Keep it realistic.

R

 

temper tantrums in toddlers part 3...


Is it purely behavioral-wanting to have his/her way?

This is the tricky one-everyone agrees that children need boundaries. But the dissension comes with how to set limits.

• Acknowledge how the child feels-“You really want that toy.”
• Explain calmly what the limits are. “You just got a new toy yesterday. We’re not buying this today.”
• If the behavior escalates (which will happen, yes), give choices to redirect child’s behavior. “You can help me pick the vegetables/books/item.”
• If tantrum continues, give consequences. Keep them simple, relevant and immediate. The consequence for a behavior in the morning can’t be enforced that evening. Once you name a consequence, make sure you follow through with it (Which is why it is important to think before we speak). And of course, do not give in to child’s request after you have engaged in a power struggle. If you do, the child will learn that he just has to cry for longer/louder the next time.

An article I read a long time ago gives a good insight into why we respond to children’s behaviors the way we do. It talks about how dealing with angry children stirs up angry feelings in us. This is true of other behaviors as well. Parents and teachers feel that children’s behaviors reflect on us-when they throw a tantrum, we feel embarrassed, harassed, angry, frustrated. Our responses reflect our feelings.

Sometimes I hear adults yelling at children-“you are always like this, you are a pain…” Keep directives non-threatening. If you want to express your frustration it’s ok to do so. How you express frustration will teach your child how to handle frustrating situations when he/she grows up. “When you cry and yell, it disturbs others,” or “I can’t finish my shopping if you do…”

Don’t be embarrassed by your child’s behavior in public-I know in <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comffice:smarttags" /><st1:country-region><st1lace>India</st1lace></st1:country-region> the general public will have its two bits to say-“Why don’t you give him what he wants? She’s only a child after all…” Everyone’s child throws a tantrum sometime or the other. The key is to decide how you’ll respond and then stick to it. After all parents want what's best for their child. It's really your choice.

R

 

HI Swathi,
Start with some basic things at home (I apologize if I’m reiterating something that you already do):

• • Give your son plenty of opportunities to make choices at home-eg, picking out what clothes to wear, a special treat once a week, books he wants to read, etc. There are times when children have to fall into our plans (because of time constraints, routine, etc) but make sure he has plenty of opportunities to make choices. Once he makes a choice for any particular activity or event, try your very best to follow through…otherwise it defeats the purpose. Ideally try to give him choices where it doesn’t require you to go too far out of your routine. Having said that, there will be times you have to veto his choice. For example, he chooses a play date with a friend but you have to cancel at the last minute. That is okJ Just try your best to make it a positive experience.
  • Model assertive behavior-with your peers, within your family, when you are on the phone with customer service (?) If a child hears his parents use appropriate language to stand up for themselves chances are he too will follow suit.
  • Talk about the language to use when he stands up for himself. Sometimes kids say “you hurt my feelings.” Try to elaborate on this. The technique is called “I message.” For example, in the instance you mentioned about the other child hitting him, he can say “I feel upset (angry, sad) when you hit me (what the friend did) because it hurt (or I don’t hit you/it is not fair…the reason here).”
  • Try role play-you and your husband can pretend to be kids playing with him. Pretend to have a conflict and one of the adults should say the “I message” first. The next time have your son repeat it. Practice this several times even with puppets.
  • Plan play dates for your son with other children in your home-you can cue them on turn taking skills-“It is BB’s turn now. What do you want to play?” After a while, say, “Your turn is over. Now it is (your son)’s turn. What do you want to play?” The key is to use the same cue words-“your turn now…turn is over.” With several repetitions, your son will also learn to say these at the right time in peer conflicts. Try to say it without being the ‘power central.’ The idea is for you to model the behavior and your son to emulate it.

Assertiveness is a skill which can be taught. As your son learns a few skills, he himself will feel good about his success which in turn will motivate him more.

R

 

Temper tantrums in 4 and 5 yr olds…
Aaaaaaah…at this age kids have more language skills, and understand more about situational rights and wrongs. They are more articulate about what they want, how and when they want … Prevention is always bestJ The next best option is to keep calm.

Try to resolve the issue before the behavior escalates. Sometimes it is by asking questions like “How do you ask? (Which presupposes that you and your child have already had the talk on how to ask for something in a polite manner), When did we decide to go to the park? How many books can we buy today?” They serve to remind the child about rules already in place.

At other times, you can say a simple no, your choices for the day are A and B. You have to choose between these two.” Cueing them about physical responses like “Please can you use a quiet voice? Take five deep breaths and then ask me again” work very well with 4 and 5 yr olds.

One of the best techniques I saw a parent use with her five year old-Her son (my student) was really loud, whiny and demanding when she entered our classroom. She said in a level voice, “J why don’t I step out for a minute. When I come back you can try again.” She did and her child asked for whatever he wanted appropriately. The mom gave a good reason for saying no and he accepted it very well.

Let’s suppose the child is having a tantrum. Then can you ignore the child without compromising on safety or disrupting others? If the answer is yes, go ahead and ignore.

If you are concerned about his/her safety, that’s the first thing to take care of. Sometimes it is a matter of simply holding them gently, other times you may have to remove them from the situation. When you do so, state your reasons-e.g., “I’m going to hold you to make sure you don’t hurt yourself.”

It is important not to give in to the child’s tantrum-this reinforces the behavior. Also, do not reward the child for calming down.
Keep directions to the minimum,
Make eye contact when you give the direction and
Use a level voice

The time to talk is after the tantrum-not during. So wait for your child to calm down and then discuss it. At the end of the discussion always come up with alternate (appropriate) behaviors for the next time. Ask the child to repeat what he/she can do the next time. Then role play the appropriate behavior.

Remember not to take what your child says personally. Their language skills may be greater but they don’t have the adult’s outlook or understanding of expressions such as “I don’t like you” or “I hate you.” Recognize their feelings by saying, “I know you are really upset when you say that,” and let it slide. If you want to, you can discuss other phrases to express his/her disappointment or frustration during the calm period.

As with any age group identify the function of the behavior and decide on your response.
R

 

HI Asha,

In my opinion this is age appropriate behavior. Tikka has mentioned a good plan.

Another option-when your daughter takes the object to your husband, ask him to redirect her (or whichever adult is in the picture). He can bring her back with the phone and say, "Let's try this again."
Cue her to say "Please amma, I want to give it to him." He can model it for her and wait for her to repeat the sentence. You respond "Ok" or whatever is apropriate at that moment. He should go back to his spot and she can take the phone to him. The idea is you are teaching her the alternate behavior. When you do this kind of an intervention, you don't have to talk to her about the outburst.

In both cases you have taken the focus away from the outburst and emphasized what is appropriate. You and your husband can also role play at other times-"Oh look, I asked amma but (paatti) brought xyz to me instead." Amma (you) can say, "Oh that's ok-paatti was near xyz." or Thanks paatti, I was really busy with my work and you helped me by taking it to appa." This language helps your daughter understand that there are good reasons for your help.

Making choices: When your daughter makes her choice, remind her that this is what she has chosen. Then ask "What shall we do if you change your mind?" Together, come up with a plan for what to do if your daughter doesn't like her choice. Also, remind her if she gets too upset, the next time you will make the choice for her.

Again,these are just personal opinions. You will be the best judge of what works for you.
Rama

 

Temper Tantrums in older children:

As children grow older their social skills and language skills increase. They develop appropriate means of expressing their frustration and accept limits set by the adults around them. If dissatisfied with these limits they try negotiating. This reduces frustration levels leading to fewer tantrums.

Some kids however have learned that throwing a tantrum gets them their heart’s desire. Keep in mind that reducing unwanted behaviors must go hand in hand with teaching appropriate behaviors. Unlearning a habit is much harder than learning a new one.

When something works for me why on earth would I give it up? All these days I’ve got my way and suddenly someone is starting to enforce the limits. What do I do? I act up more!

Don’t be upset by the escalation in behavior when you refuse to give in. Inappropriate behavior always increases in intensity before coming under control. But if you give in when the behavior escalates, you’ve just made it harder for yourself. The next time you say no, the child is just going to increase the throwing/yelling behavior by another 10% or so.

· Identify what areas/actions set off temper tantrums in you child. Make a list for easy access. It maybe when grandparents come to visit, or when you go to eat out.
· Remind the child of boundaries prior before grandparents visit. “Remember, if you ask me for more computer time when they are here, I’m still going to say no. I’m not going to change my mind because they are here. How about you take out books you want grandpa to read to you? Maybe you and he can build something with the blocks. Think of something you want to build with him.”
· When the behavior occurs, remind child of earlier directions. “You get half an hour of computer time everyday and you used up your half an hour. Draw a design of the car you wanted to build with grandpa. He can join you after he has finished here…”
· If you child begins to whine interrupting or trying to control your interactions with other adults, send him to his room to calm down. Instead of saying time out, say “Please go to your room until you are calm.” Try not to use time limits ‘the rest of the day, rest of the evening.’ The goal is to teach the child to accept ‘no’ and to calm himself on his own. The whole day in the room is punitive.
· If your child cries loudly or is too upset (and you are afraid he may hurt himself), take him gently to his room and help him to a chair, or his bed. Say once, “I’ll wait for you to calm down,” and stay in the vicinity. That way you are making sure he is safe. Even in their most manipulative stage, children need to know that adults will care for their safety. This way the child knows you are ignoring his behavior but not his basic needs. If you do this, you can stand by the door of the room, read a book facing slightly away from the child…remember no talking at this stage.
· If your child is a physically active child, then acknowledge his feelings-“I know you don’t like the rule. But it is important you follow this. If you are angry, you can…jump up and down, run around the house”…or any other physical activity that will help get the excess energy out.
· Be consistent and immediate
· Do not reward the child with what he wants after he has calmed down. That defeats the purpose!
· Irrespective of age, we are all vulnerable after an emotional outburst. Your actions should tell the child you didn’t like his behavior but you still love him.

My TA gave me one of the best measures on deciding if a behavior is appropriate or not: What we think of as cute behavior at 5 may not be cute at 50. Children’s behavior reflects their social maturity-which in turn impacts their academics, work ethics, peer relationships and over all success. Teaching children to accept ‘NO’ in the right circumstances foster good social skills.
R

 

We all believe that children should act appropriately because that is the way to behave, it is the only way or because it is good for them...

As adults we understand that but children still need to learn and accept it. Our environments contribute to certain actions and expectations (in adults)-which in turn are reflected in our children's behavior. Most children go through phases based on their age/immediate events in their lives. With adult support, they develop skills to handle similar issues later on in their lives.

Ideally, parents can make a conscious decision to teach certain skills (accepting parental boundaries, following certain routines-eating at a certain time, completing specific chores...) and increasing their responisbilites as they grow older (with the presumption that there will be no other variables affecting our lives).

When you use charts without rewards it serves the purpose of teaching the children the different steps to accomplishing a task.

For example, you have noticed your child is delayed in the morning because his/her things are not ready. You can sit with your child and problem solve-you ask questions like "What needs to be ready for tomorrow?" Your child identifies the items needed for the next day. Based on the timetable your child may need somethings everyday but not other items.
Make 2 charts-Chart 1 listing items needed everyday (eg, pencil box, uniform, socks...), and

Chart 2 listing specifics for each day of the week (geometry box on TUesday, tennis shoes for PE on Monday and Thursday).
Sit with your child the first week and put an x under each item after getting that ready. After a week or two, take a step back. Tell your child he/she should do it and you will come and check at the end to make sure everything is packed correctly. Do this until you are sure that your son/daughter has learned this habit.

These kinds of visual reminder charts and checklists can be used for teaching almost any act of daily living.

What did you accomplish here? You taught your a child a very important skill-how to organize one aspect of his everyday life. In this situation, the reward is intrinsic. It makes your life and his/her life easy. So bring it to his/her attention. "You packed your bag and got all your things ready. After the first few days you don't even need my help. It saves you time and both of us are relaxed in the morning. Have you noticed that?" This reminds the child of his/her accomplishment/growing independence.

If the child needs to use a chart as a visual reminder that's fine...you can make changes as you go along. Here your intial reward was your attention and your acceptance of the accomplishment. Your verbal reminders helped it evolve into intrinsic reinforcement (child's pride in accomplishment)

But some children need extra help for vaious reasons. It could be because there are mixed messages from family members, or because of minor organic developmental needs or larger issues which are still evolving. Here you have to stop or change certain behaviors and teach appropriate alternative behaviors. This is where rewards come in to place. The What/When/Whys of rewarding children come with strong feelings. In my personal opinion, it is actually a very powerful tool when used correctly.
Rama