Back to India........husband decided!!

The reality is .....IT IS JUST THAT!!!

We have done that numerous times dh and I , many NRIs have done, and still lot of people are doing it. There is no point in hanging onto a place and telling we have started growing roots here when the main bread winner is unhappy here.
If opportunities popped up at our dad's native town then our dads might as well have packed bags and moved...if not all atleast some would have done.

So, instead of fighting back saying it is 3:1 ratio and majority wins Simi better make peace with his decision. I say again and again, the kiddos are not to be really considered here. I know a couple of people (my relatives) whose dads were in Army in India and they used to move like crazy. In fact the kids have become more outgoing and accommodating to the surroundings. They used to cry and grumble each time they moved but that is life.....Learn to live where you dad and mom are!!!

 

Simi

I have had family move from the US to India with kids aged 12 and 9. While they had adjustment issues initially, they very soon got into the spirit of things and are practically locals now. So really, kids deserve more credit to adapting than they get. Everyone knows moving from any place to another is a huge decision and I am sure your husband, being the grown up that he is, has given this a lot of consideration and I am sure it's not just nostalgia that is driving his decision to make the move. I am sure he would not have just decided to pack up and move had he not researched lucrative career options available to him in India.

As for this being a 3-1 decision, I don't think that's the case here. Of course, any kid is going to show resistance to being uprooted from their comfort zone, whether it is about moving from the US to India or vice-versa. The dad has convinced them and I think now that the decision has more or less been made to make the move, I think Simi, you should get into the spirit of things helping the kids adjust to the move and not let your own insecurities affect their ability to adjust. JMO.

Also, Simi, it's not like your husband threw this at you one fine day, out of the blue, right? He has been mentioning it, and you have yourself mentioned that you did not just think he would actually do it. Did you ever try to vehemently oppose it, citing reasons as to why you do not want to go back?

 

I have been following this and here is my thought.

When my visa was approved and everything was set for me to go to US I suddenly told my Dad, I don't want to go. I don't want to leave them and go to study abroad. I said I am fine here. I can earn here and live.

But, was that possible? NO! I had to go away and make my life and I did. I am glad now I did. So, when someone is moved from their comfort zone, ofcourse they will be resistance but think from a broader picture. What makes you both happy? Will going back make you that sad as much as staying here does to your husband? Ofcourse, you will have your parents there and that is not a totally foreign land for you. Try to think practically. Your dh will find it more harder if he continues longer due to feeling of loneliness because if he feels nostalgic now then in later years it will only increase and get worse.

As everyone said, kids are adaptive so don't worry. They will be fine as long as they are with parents.


PS; Really Simi, we all (NRIs) envy you, though most of us don't accept it. It is a luxury to go back these days. Most of us are stuck due to the fact that we bought houses and heavy loans to pay off and getting tough with the present US economy. Of all these situations, people like you are the lucky souls who don't have house or any loans and whenever felt like, packed bags and bought a one way ticket to India.

 

Lucky is when we get to do what we want to do. What we want is different for different people. In Simi's case, calling her "lucky" may possibly cause her irritation since she wants to stay abroad, and she'd have been lucky if she had gotten that.

Kids will adapt Simi, dont worry too much about them. You take time to prepare yourself mentally first.

 

yes yes Spiderman, I shouldn't be saying lucky. It is a relative term and I understand that. But as soon as I hear someone going back for good I just happen to think they are the luckiest souls on earth...

We are just the opposite. Dh likes to settle down here and actually we have settled here physically but my mind is always back there in India. And that is why, come summer break, I take 2-3 weeks leave and we go visit. Just last December I went for 2 weeks and now again I am planning for leave. Hope to make it. Though my parents/inlaws visit us, my brother is here too but my mind is always back there. My brother plans to go back next year but I am praying he changes his mind because I will feel more lonely here. My parents, inlaws, dh and other family members say I am non-stick(teflon) coated because living all these years here (study and later life) even then I have not fully assimilated myself to the ways here.

I told my dh retirement life will be as per my wish...going back.
Just hope it works out the way I wish.

Sorry I got carried away with my story...Anyway, that's ME......

Sunitha

 

Simi, its all about leaving the comfort zone.
My dad was always on move from one city to the other in a span of 4-6 yrs and we felt the same each time.... hey we just got used to this new place and started enjoying it and dont tell me we need to pack.
We felt better than armed forces where the moves are more frequent.

All I know is that it teaches adaptability, when I compare to DH who spent entire life in only 1 house and 1 set of people I see a clear difference, I dont mind a new setup provided its mentally peaceful.. for him everything is a struggle ranging from the type of bread to the type of road and shop, signals, language etc etc.

Also for girls its all the more important to keep leaving their comfort zones cos we cant ensure the same quality of life for them post marriage.

 

Well it is a 3:1 ratio and majority wins. And this is not about moving within the same country to different cities because of your dad's job transfers. This is about moving from one country to another with completely different systems. I am pretty sure Simi would be inclined to move from New York to LA or Seattle or San Francisco as opposed to New Delhi or Hyderabad or Bangalore.
And this move is completely unnecessary and putting a lot of people in difficulty. Why would someone leave a job they already have in a country they are settled and wife and kids are comfortable and go somewhere they don't have an offer yet or have so many unknowns and uncertainities?

This sounds like that Mughal emperor(Bin Tughlaq ??) in Indian history who one fine day decided to move his capital from one city to the other on a personal whim and make everyone suffer in that process.

And kids are to be considered here on top of everything especially in a unnecessary move like this. Sorry but the moment you decided to have kids, their best interest and where they will be most happy and comfortable comes first for any reasonable parent. If the main breadwinner is so unhappy about being in another country, then maybe he should have thought about getting married and have kids there and let them get used to that country. Breadwinner sometimes need to suck it up and wait for the next window of opportunity in the best interests of his family

Simi, you do not have to pretend that you are mounting a joint effort to move when in actuality you are dead against it. You did the right thing by telling the kids what it really is and its only dad who wants to move because that is the reality. Its all fine and dandy for people to say you have to put on a show and tell your kids you both decided it together and both are a united front etc, but that wouldn't be the truth. Lot of times the kids need to know the truth, not some sugarcoated version of it.

I do sincerely hope you and the kids get to stay where you like it the most Good luck.

 

Wow, that's sad. So we should prepare our daughters to become doormats? How about we bring them up the same as boy's and teach them that both genders are to be respected and that no girl has to take unnecessary crap from anyone, even her husband and inlaws.

I agree that learning to deal with change is a normal part of life.... but teaching it to a girl just so she is a better adjuster in her married life.... just sounds so disgusting. As if, her married life is the pinnacle of her life and she has no other purpose but to succeed at marriage.