in deep trouble after mil's visit

I am overwhelmed by so many replies, dear ILites.

Thanks for the letter idea, pingme and mstrue. Am considering that too now.

mstrue, I appreciate your views too, although you belong to the minority. Again, I would like to say that I dont think my in-laws will swindle the money. That is NOT my worry. My concerns are - I am not comfortable with some of their spending and saving decisions, I have very little idea of what they do (my husband too has limited knowledge), what would I do in an emergency here? I feel like an unpaid servant sometimes - when I dont have control of what I earn too. That is why I decided to withhold my salary here in US in my name. I appreciate the faith you have in your in-laws. My husband has also given a POA to his father for the house (as several people probably do). I have no problem with that; and I am also ready to give a POA for a specific purpose like that to my fil in future. I would probably not hesitate to do that. But all they suggest doing is - they will forge my sign to get FD's (in my name) that mature!! When I do WANT to trust them, something like this happens and that troubles me more. I hope, as you say, I find better ways to communicate my feelings to DH.

Dear Tugga, I am touched by your elaborate replies. I keep re-reading them to imbibe the crux of it. Thanks for all your suggestions. I intend to try your soft words to my own husband in making him realise some things.

Peperoncino, as it is, yes, my job is dependent on his visa.

>You also keep repeating that you insisted and succeeded in maintaining a seperate a/c for your salary and that you demand in continuing to work. Perhaps he sees these and other things unknown to us & between only two of you as evidence of your dominating him. I am not saying that you shouldnt work & you shouldnt maintain a seperate a/c, thats between both of you. But I think one thing you can definately do is perhaps analyze whether he feels powerless & empty with you due to which he is resorting to these disharmonious tactics.

Aditya, yes. That is how he started seeing it after his mother's visit. Till then, it was sort of ok.

I transfer him XXX dollars monthly as we agreed for monthly expenses and I also email him my bank statement to "prove" that my salary is safe in my name only (whether he views the statement or not I dont know). Still, it is a big sore point with him that I dont allow him to manage my salary as I used to before and send it to his father. He tells me I dont trust him or his parents. What's the point in blindly trusting when we have very little left here for emergency and very little knowledge of the remaining?

>To begin with, I think you need to re-evaluate your understanding of how you think he perceives your behavior with him. Develop an action plan on how to make him see sense based on that.

He does perceive my behavior as atrocious. (although he is not justified in his views). Still, that is how he views me. I m running short of subtle tactics to prove my intentions to him... talking, mailing, etc. dont do the job. How else can I convey the message that I dont mean harm?? Please suggest. I have already told him that in future, my goal is to get rid of my separate account and reroute my salary to our joint account (once we are in charge of our finances). After all, that is how it was before. I am completely ok with my husband's own spending. In fact, we are so much in sync when it comes to buying things for our household in US. Saving is the only problem.

>You said above that you did everything that led to your current problems based on Indusladies advices. Perhaps, you need to stop asking questions here, or start taking advices here with a pinch of salt & form your actions based your relationship with your husband, one of the two.

I didnt blame IndusLadies. I took the decisions after careful retrospection of various people's views and advice, not just blindly implementing what everyone said. I also had private conversations with some senior members and I dont regret my moves. Yes, it is true that some of my moves caused a jolt in my relationship, but sometimes, it is necessary to take the plunge. At least, now, my husband knows my concerns. That is better than me being a dumb spectator and leaving everything to chance. Aditya, I appreciate your lateral view.

Srividya, unfortunately, he does view it as a power struggle. I really dont mind giving in to some of his ego. As you said earlier, I should give in somewhere and take something elsewhere. Even if he says that he will save my salary in OUR names jointly, not involving my in-laws, I am fine with that. I trust his intentions 100%; he is not going to run away with my salary. Involving his parents in everything is what I dont want. Sadly, he refuses to see my point.

Dilchathahai, my hubby's side of the story brands me a money-minded wife, an uncaring mom and a rakshashi of a dil, thats exactly what he has complained to my parents - all the things I wrote in my first few posts - that I mistreated his mother, didnt respect her, let her go hungry, bla bla bla. It is a wonder WHY he was a silent witness to all my supposed mistreatment. All this has dawned on him only after his mom went to India and started cribbing about me again! Anyway, he has a lot of complaints about me if at all he agrees to meet a counsellor.

BeeAmma, I can go to India; my parents have been asking me to come there for a few months. It is I who am refusing to go. I have never thought of separation and how to support myself in case I live separately. Probably, my boss will give me a full-time job if I request. But, I DONT want to live apart. Believe me, I only had more sorrow living apart last time around, and I feel that it is better to fight the battle living WITH him. Moreover, as I already said, my daughter is facing a lot of issues adjusting to her playschool which is just for 2 times a week now. I can certainly not leave her at daycare if I stay apart. As it is, I have to hang around on 2 days per week at her playschool still. That is the biggest setback for us. if DD had adjusted to her playschool long back, I would not have had so many problems working.

> Why is her husband so insecure about letting her work?
Hmmm... he does not like me being independent. It was fine as long as i worked and gave him my salary. Now, even if I show him my own separate bank statement, he shuns it and feels I have crossed the family rules. All hell broke loose when my mil came to know that I have my own bank account. He started discouraging me little by little when I opened my new account, and started vehemently opposing when his mom started supported him after her arrival.

Thanks to all once again.
Sandhya

 

ASG, good Lord! You could not have put it more aptly. That is exactly what I feel too.

One day, my husband tells me, "Go to work tomorrow morning and come by 11:30. I ll take care of DD." Another day, he says he cant co-operate. He is swinging this way and that. Internally, he does not want me to give up my job (as that is what I desire and we get bucks anyway for it), but is fine with it if I give it up yielding to pressure, as that is what his mom desires. You hit the nail on the head, ASG, yet again.

I really pity him - he feels trapped n between us. I will surely help him if he opens out to me. In fact, I tried to console him when he was sulking 2 days back. But every time, I approach him, I have to overcome the fear that he will again start blaming me. He is so unpredictable. He did remain calm that day when I consoled him, and I felt things are improving between us. But, he kept mum to me and the next morning, when I was at work, he called my parents and complained and shouted to them.

Now, something unforeseen has happened. He has come back from work, complaining of giddiness. he feels run down. I suspect he has been reading this thread at work. I may be wrong. But, he appears all shaken up and more caring to me... dont know how long it will last. He feels sick and so, I asked him to go to bed and have postponed talking about counsellors or anything. Anyway, tomorrow is his first day at the new job, and I dont want to spoil his mood in the morning. Better wait for a while.