Relationshop with Co-sis

divyareddy123 · Feb 16, 2010

I know it's very minor but keeps bugging me don't know how to handle this
We live in CA and my H married brother lives an hr away from us.
My Husbands family is big and his niece , nephew and brother(marries) lives around.
Starting to my list of issues
1)BIL is financially very strong , we do not expect a penny from them as we do have enough too ....May be this might have breought a little head weight to his wife ........
2)We live a big house and they still live in APt as they haven't decided where to settle down ......When people visit us they end up staying in my house and my BIL and cosis comes and visit them in my house .....This happens atleast once ot twice a month ....I have 2 kids 5 and 1 ...one can imagine the kind of work I might have with2 young kids , full time job and a house and these guests evevry alternate week on average ....FYI ...my BIL do not have kids yet

3)My co-sis always keeps her distance she doesn't rush in to helping you ...she keeps doing the things in her own pace ....Very quiet doesn't utter a word ....doesn't come and sit with all of us to chat ....She tries to keep herself busy away from me or inlaws ............or keeps herself busy playing with kids.............I would she is very intelligent ...............
I was the one who tried to get closer in these 2 yrs but ended up in the same spot where we started ....Apart from my Husband I help them a lot ...
some examples
- Helped them while moving I even clened there trash cans and helped her to pack ....since that was first time for her she has not idea what she was doing

- Took her to shopping when she came to US and I payed for everything as BIL was not working then ...

- Provided food for my BIL for 2 months when she went to india recently ........Would she even appreciate me for that ?

- Al though i have my issues with my inlaws i never complain them to my H as it doesn't make the things any better .........

Where should I stand in this relationship ...Should I keep my distance and lerave it to my H tomaintain the relationship with his bro...

I forgot to mention a mojor thing ....My H and BIL help there sisters in india a lot ...before BIl was earning my H paid for his donations in india and donations for his sisters kids too ...that was before we had kids and i was ok as I know his sisters helped my H and Bil too ....

Now after we bought the house and have 2 kids we haven't been sending much to india as our budgets got tighter ............My BIL is sending money to india .....Do you thing my co-sis is pissed off that her husband is sending 75% and we are doing 25% ....BUt we had been doing 100% until 3 yrs back .......BIL is not married at that time but she might have known abt those ..........

Atleast by penning down my thoughts my inner devils have settled down ....

All in all I tried to make her a good friend , I put all my efforts I do not see her putting any efforts and tried to maintain her distance and I guess that pissing me off ............

Ladies please suggest ...............

reach · Feb 16, 2010

Hi Divya,

Sorry to hear about your issues. Reading your post i feel that you are a very kind and caring person.
You have tried your best to be cordial with your BIL and cosis. I suggest you dont bother about what your cosis is thinking. What you and your husband have done and are doing for his family is enough. Now that you have family and 2 kids, you need to secure your kids future and make plans for your retirement. Dont feel guilty, that you are sending a small amt of money, you are doing what is within your limits.
Your cosis needs to understand about the whole situation, i think she is being selfish. Some people are just insensitive and your cosis is among them, even if you do a 1000 good deeds, she wont acknowledge. You can talk with her and ask if she is upset abt something and sort out matters. If you dont want to talk to her about anything, leave things as they are, be cordial with her. Do not go out of your way to help her or your BIL. Sometimes, time will make matters clear.

Priya16 · Feb 16, 2010

Hi Divya,
How long your cosister has been married.

Nothing has sounded me wrong here. Typically, when you are settled at some place for a long time and for any new bee, you are the one who typically helps them.
We have some new friends arrived to our town and we helped them to settle down and ride everything after a while they just forget everything and not even looked at us.
It's there personality and we can't do much about it.
Since you are settled in the place before them it's common thing to do. If they don't give us return then we can't much about it other than don’t help them next time.
If it is friends then you just ignore them both you and your husband since it's your BIL, you can't do much about it.
Right now I can't judge anything on your co-sister. She looks like conservative person. I have been married for 7 years and my co-sister still calls me with respect words event though we are same age. Some people can't mingle with others easily.
It looks to me that the story with your co-sister.
Calling other people to your home, which you need to talk with your husband better ways to handle and you can't expect that your BIL should take care of them.
Coming to money, if you get know through someone then you don't worry much about it. She can talk to her husband 100% her concerns. Even if you get though your SIL or somebody then you might not know true picture of it. Anyhow you guys can't afford it now so just leave it. Weather you BIL will send money or not it's up to them.
Again each person is different and we can’t expect our co-sister is just like us.
If you think you are doing more work just tell your husband that you can’t handle this much stress and you don’t encourage people to come your house.

Keerthu · Feb 16, 2010

Hi Divya,

After reading your story,I felt there have not been any really fights with you and your co-sis.Then,why do you want to worry.

I feel she is trying to keep distance with inlaws for good.

Let me tell you my story.I try to keep distance with anybody from my inlaws.I just have a cordial relationship with them.Thats because I know that if I get close to them i will burn my fingers.Ultimately,how it works is they are a family and I am not part of it.Probably,your co-sis feels the same.

As long as you dont have any fights..why do you worry?

Dont expect anything in return.Just do what you feel is right and leave it.

divyareddy123 · Feb 17, 2010

Thankyou verymuch for your responses ....

Mihisha · Feb 17, 2010

Ignore, ignore and ignore... ignoring irritating in-laws is the mantra :thumbsup

Sounds like you have pretty wholesome fun at home with kids and guests to entertain.. Here I crib about not having any social life due to lack of family and hectic schedules! just kidding....

Hunh...I do see lots of extremes in situations - royal ignore Vs super-interfering in-laws .... lots of people to socialize with Vs none here :rant....