Husband, A Mummy's Boy Phenomenon - A Matter Of Grave Concern!

krishnaamma · Mar 14, 2007

Hi Sridhar,

Atlast you gave a weekend for this title. For a long time I am waiting for this topic:yes: . Thanks for writing on this topic. Let me complete my NONBU and after that I will go through your article and then I will give my FB.

Thank you Sridhar.

varalotti · Mar 14, 2007

No Kamla, You Are Not Inviting Criticism!

Surely, you are not inviting any trouble because of your candour. And compared to the kind of criticism I have been receiving of late yours is a breeze.

I get the title thinker from you almost every time without fail only because every time it is you who make me think.

Well, Kamla I do admit the picture I have posted is an insipid example of a young man. But in this thread we are singling out a set of diseased people to study the ever-popular HAMB phenomenon. (There I go again with another new term. God save me)
And the HAMB phenomenon occurs at the rate of about one in 200 or so. It's incidence is more than that of AIDS, less than that of diabetes, but much more vicious than either. As there are special schools to handle children who are challenged we have a special thread for those boys who are intellectually challenged - so much so that they have not metaphorically severed the umblical chords.
Like you no girl can ever even begin to have love or any other soft feeling for such insipid boys. But once a girls life is tied to that of such a specimen, love or no love, she has to manage it till she can separate from him, if at all she can.

But for your words,
"Why should it be Only the woman who has to do all this mind analysis and research and strive to make the marriage a succes? Does this guy have no responsibilities, thoughts and other tender feelings?"
I have to just give a studied silence as an answer.

Emboldened by the friendhip I share with you and other ILites I can probably venture to say, that there are marriages where men have to do this analysis and calculations. But by large such marriages are less compared to what you have indicated. Because we still have a chauvinistic set-up.

But in the case of a HAMB the whole problem starts because the boy cannot analyse or think on his own. So the wife has to think for him. It is like marrying a blind man. The wife has to be his eyes. In the case of a HAMB the wife has to be the boy's brain as well. I am just helping such a brave and compassionate girl with some practical hints.

I also share your Shangrila dream. But my lack of innocence inhibits that dream and tells me that Internet will not help in cases where hardened mindsets are involved.

"Wanted a home-loving, fair, tall, bride below 23 from xxxx caste, belonging to xxxx sub-caste and specifically to xxxxx sub-sub caste for a boy, 38, dark, 5'4" already married and divorced. The girl should be willing to nurse her sick mother-in-law and run the household. Should be a B.E. or B.Tech but should not be working. Send the horoscope to .....@.. com.

When I see such ads on the Net I lose hope not only on men but also on technology as a change agent.

I dont have anything more to say than a long sigh.
Thanks for making me think once again,
sridhar

safa · Mar 14, 2007

There is a system among the Muslim community in Kannur, Thalassery(Kerala), that the girl never leave their home after marriage. They are guests in their husband's home. So in husband's home they get a good welcome from every body. Since they stay with their mother , no problems exist related to MIL, SIL etc.Their husbands do not depend their in laws for financial help or other things and he can go home to stay with his parents with or without his wife for a few days also.

Why I mentioned this here is because, my hubby would tell following this practice might be good for people making problems with DILs and MILs. Living in UAE, I could meet many people from that place , all they are happy with their life and we cannot see any one speaking ill of their MILs.

But people from our place strongly protest against this. Husbands from our place ( every religion) will not stay his wife's house more than two days and some wouldn't stay there. They are scared about what will my mother think..And they carry a false prestige that staying in wife's house will make them "small" in front of others.

I cannot see any other way than this to solve the MIL , DIL problems. I agree with Meena, if we allow MILs to rule us they are happy with us. At first it will be difficult , but if we show patience they will move away by giving all power to us. Most of the in laws expect from their DILs some sweet words and care.
Soon they will fall into that. Frankly says, we all do this things.
I have seen when one of my cousin's wife visited us,our grandma was having her evening snack. Soon she approached grandma and asked, "oh this is very cold, do you want to make it hot?" In the views of grandma, she is the best DIL in the world at that time.. Like that, we have to follow this- we can call this 'soaping' -to get a good place in inlaws mind.There is no place for honesty. And no one wants honesty from us.

I believe it will be hard for mothers for some days or years to see their son changing his habits for his wife. Lets forgive all mother's heart. It is not their fault but only possessiveness which comes out with a little bit of jealousy. We can change their attitude slowly, as Meena said.

But I have never heard of people like you mentioned, may be it is rare case.

varalotti · Mar 15, 2007

Sorry For Interrupting The Discussion! But Its Good News!

Most Gracious Ladies and Gentlemen,
I am pleased to inform you that my entry for the Valentines Day Bonanza Contest has been chosen as the best entry.
Those of you who have the time, patience and inclination please follow this link to read my entry.
http://www.indusladies.com/forums/c...-contest-bonanza-indusladies-3.html#post44953

Sorry for the interruption. Now let's get on with the discussion.
regards,
Varalotti

varalotti · Mar 16, 2007

This thread is a unique experience for me, Vandhana

Dear Vandhana,

Responding to the posts in this thread is a unique experience for me. For every reply I have to think as much as creating a new thread. I just finished Kamlas and now it is your post.

Your observations about "one-boy families" and "two-boy families" are correct and pertinent. With one-boy families all the mother's affection is faced on a single identity. A classical all eggs in one basket syndrome.
But that does not mean that the HAMB does not happen in two-boy families. May be the severity will be less.

Regarding Kamlas observation which you have cheerfully endorsed, I have already replied to her.

You have posed a question to those mama's boys, Why should they marry at all. But the problem Vandhana is that if these boys can think that much, then they wont be mama's boys at all. They will be men in their own right. And ironically in these cases its the mama who gets the boys married.

Why should women analyse such problems always, is again a good question. But as of now we have a patriarchal, male-oriented and a chauvinistic society. Let me tell you this just to feed the fantasies of the women in this country. Suppose we become a female-dominated, matriarchal female-chauvinistic society, then men will be worrying about papas girls. And will ven their frustrations through similar sites, Why should men always be doing this kind of anaylsis?

The whole thread is about men without their backbones. And we are here to help those unfortunate women who are married to these guys.

It requires a little tact and lots and lots of love and patience. But is there a short-cut? If you know, please tell me.

Thanks once again for making me dwell deeper on this issue.
regards,
sridhar

varalotti · Mar 16, 2007

Hen-pecked Husbands? One Thread Is Not Enough!

Dear Jothi,

I made this into a phenomenon precisely because Mamas boys are only a few here and there. If all men are mamas boys there is no point in having a thread to discuss that. In that case, instead of being a disease it would have been a trait, a sex-based character trait which would figure on books like Men are From Mars Women are from Venus.

I do agree that this is attributable to the idiosyncracies of being a woman. (Other ILites might hit us on this.) But I will tell you the reason. From time immemorial women, as a race have remained a dominated race. Now it is one thing to condem that male domination and build value discussions around that. But lets not forget the fact that it is a historical fact. So women feel insecure and dominating ones son is a kind of defence mechanism for that insecure feeling.

Whatever it is the ultimate victim is the hapless daughter-in-law.

About mothers teaching their sons to respect women, that either does not happen or is not effective. The sons will learn to respect women only when they see their fathers respecting their mothers.

Ultimately the only consolation we have is what you said that the daughters and mothers of today will be better daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law.
Lets hope for the best, Jothi.
Thanks for the participation.
regards,
sridhar

PS: I am ready to start a henpecked husbands thread. (HHT). But I dont think ILs bandwidht is sufficient to allow so many million men to participate at once. ha ha ha

krishnaamma · Mar 16, 2007

Hi Sridhar,

As usual your article is just great. Very nice examples. Many IL asked why we have to change, why men are not trying to change themselves. I am also asking the same thing to men. When you are ready for marriage, don’t you know that one new girl will come in to your house and she will be interfering in all the house hold works /activities?

In fact, during initial days and even during honey moon days the boy should appraise the girl about his family members and their routine, so that dos and donts can be understood by the new DIL. He should also spend some time every day with his wife to know what happened in his absence. In every dispute if any, between MIL and DIL he should judge properly and advise his wife/mother as appropriate. If this is done probably there will be no confusion in anybody’s life.

I think there are many counseling classes for the drug addicts, before getting child and after getting child etc., like that these women who are going to become MIL must have some counseling and she must adjust with the girl. Why I am using the ‘must’ word is somebody said like offices, the new comer must adjust themselves according to the new house rules. This is correct to some extent only. We the DIL also cannot do or cannot change ourselves 100% to the new environment, that too over night.

We DIL leaving our house, parents, brothers and sisters and our environment and we are entering a new house, which is supposed to be ours in future; definitely we will expect some consideration from the persons from the new house. Because, saying weaker sex we are leaving our whole thing and coming to a new atmosphere and try to live there. So Our in laws must give us a welcome and treat us as their daughter first. After all they are elders and experienced with their MIL and surely they would have struggled like us when they entered in a new house like us.

I don’t know then why they start to treat the new bride as a villian? The same MIL used to advise her daughter differently and when it comes to her DIL the rule will differ. If the elders say what they do and do what they say, then MIL will advise her daughter properly and treat the DIL like her daughter. Mostly this does not happen, and the new DIL gets a treatment which makes it difficult for her to settle in the new environment. If DILs happen to be office goers the problem will be different and if she is house wife she is going to be with her MIL the whole day in the absence of her husband and the problem will be different. The main person who is to understand and behave neutral between the two is the husband that is son.

Somebody told in that ‘mama’s boy’ thread, that ‘this is like college raging and you will get your chance in future’ it is highly idiotic. Why should we reflect our MIL, to our DIL? We suffered with our MIL means, we know the pain and we should not do it with our DIL and we must correct ourselves and we have to help the little girl.

A WIFE CAN PLAY THE ROLE OF MOTHER BUT THE MOTHER CAN NOT. So definitely the DIL is greater than a MIL. All MIL know this and that is why she wants to dominate and prove that she is more important to his son. But what to do true is ‘bitter.’

Here I want to tell something to Safa. Dear Safa now a days also some MILs are like that, as said by Sridhar I know a family in which the MIL allows her only son with the new DIL to sleep only a few hours together with the bedroom closed; after few hours say by <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comffice:smarttags" /><st1:time Hour="23" Minute="0">11 pm</st1:time> she asks them to keep the door open. The reason she says is to minimize EB bill due to the usage of AC. (They had split A/C in hall and window A/C in bed room)
But the actual fact is she does not allow both of them to exchange various ideas and opinions. She also told me “why I should allow a new comer to enjoy the wealth and facilities which were earned hard by my husband”. I really got shocked. How does this sound? In fact DILs are the main people to propagate our heirs which is a great thing. She must be given special care and parental guidance to perform her duties to her husband, in laws and other members in the family.

Ladies of our age group (in 40s) should take an oath that,

The struggle what we had/have with our MIL, we will not revenge on our DIL. We love our DILs as we do with our sons.:yes:

Shanvy · Mar 18, 2007

Ladies of our age group (in 40s) should take an oath that,

The struggle what we had/have with our MIL, we will not revenge on our DIL. We love our DILs as we do with our sons.:yes: [/quote]
Hi,

Sridhar, it is a great topic. and HAMB simply gr8. all il's asking good questions. but answers to the why.... i think is not so easy.. for you. The example of a the family in chennai, .. i am also aware. it is not a new thing. there are quite a few that have been there.

Krishnamma,
The oath is good. i dont mind taking it. I don't need a oath. i do not want to give others as example. my husband used to say his mother always said she will treat her dil as d only... and never do the things her mil did. believe me, the transition to mil really changed the score. i am not complaining, because i knew how to manage. hubby used to say men are like matthallam.....:tongue . the equation differs for her own daughter....again...

i feel if the mamas boy learns to balance.. then things will be fine.
hope this generation will not be the same.

There are extreme cases in papa's girl also. know of a girl, whose life has now come to divorce because of the father's interference in everything.

Again, the basic question rolling in my mind, why are girls papa's pet and boy's mama's..... i think somebody will write a book like papa's girl..mama's boy.... like mens are from mars and .....

P.S. I think you are going to get more topics from the forums itself.....:2thumbsup:

varalotti · Mar 18, 2007

Thanks A Ton, Shastriji!

Dear Sastryji,

It is surprising, refres wanhing and endearing to hear another strong male voice in support of women, especially harassed daughters-in-law.

As an ILite very aptly pointed the most effective antidote for an evil mother-in-law is a strong and an understanding father-in-law. The mil will be afraid if the fil jumps into the fray upholding justice.

The mil is threatened by the dil. She feels that she would be rendered redundant in due course. To assert her authority she does a lot of weird things. Well the woman who saw to it that her son and his wife did not sleep together is an extreme case.

At a less intense level we see mothers-in-law who regard kitchen as their fortress. They wont let dil cook. But at the same time if the dil keeps off the kitchen they will make a complaint that the dil does not want to work. So what exactly they want? They want their dil to be their assistants. The risk they perceive here is this. That if the dil cooks and people appreciate it then they may lose their place of pride.

I only hope Sastryji that the next generation mothers-in-law will be better. And if daughters-in-law who read information like this become mothers-in-law in future, conditions might change.

Thanks once again for the participation.
Regards,
Varalotti

varalotti · Mar 18, 2007

Thanks Vaidhehi!

Dear Vaidehi,
Thanks for the nice words. It makes me proud that you have agreed with me. Thanks once again.
regards,
Varalotti
PS: What does the suffix 401 in your name denote? Being an accountant I love numbers. The numbers you have chosen add up to 5, one of my favourite numbers.
That makes it interesting.