Why Are Females Expected To Follow Festival Rituals Of The Husband Side?

OP, your posts and this thread raise many interesting points that women deal with when living in a joint-family.

Two things: the MIL/FIL are older by a generation. Everyday adjustments are different from festival related changes.

Like peartree said above there are dead ancestors and family deity related reasons behind the rituals. Is it feasible to replace these with some followed in the DIL's maternal home? Let us say the DIL is the second DIL to join the family. There are the MIL, FIL, elder BIL, his wife, their young kids already following some ways of celebrating festivals. It would be fair for the new DIL to adopt more of the family's way than for changes to be made for her.

Living in a joint-family is more suitable for couples when they are from the same caste, community, level of religiousness etc. Once a woman agrees to or is resigned to living in a joint family, life is smoother for all if she also accepts another outdated norm -- she starts to more follow the customs of her new home.

That is why I keep harping on the importance of the man and woman living separately at least the first few years of their married life.

Amalgamation is natural if it happens in the order and over generations as described in peartree's post.

I am not playing the devil's advocate here or anything like that. Inheriting religious practices and the ancestral articles of worship, and slowly taking over the pooja/worship area or room and its running is a kind of solemn undertaking. It is different from setting up home with husband and starting one's own worship/rituals from scratch which can be an amalgamation of things from the man's and woman's side.

Everyday life adjustments the DIL makes and what adjustments the in-laws can make is another discussion.

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I had one aunt who was quite forward for her times. In a joint family of 3-4 DIL's, on festival days that were important in her maternal home, she wrapped up her work in sasural, and simply left for maternal home 5 kms away around 1 or 2pm. Initially, some frowned and commented. After 3-4 years, all adjusted to her schedule. : )

 

I agree with everything you have stated. When married it’s best to leave the nest and come back later, when required.

Joint families work when the dil is already from the same back ground and expected to follow similar traditions. Even then compassion goes a long way. Forcing the DIL who just lost a parent to make festive dishes, which she doesn’t want to do and then serving those sweets to the gods also happen. Because patriarchy rules state her loss is not any hinderance to her PILs. If someone remotely related to the said PILs die, someone whom they haven’t even seen in years or kept in touch with, they follow the mourning period religiously.

I went to office a week after my GM died and came back to a full fledged celebratory feast which I had previously told we wouldn’t celebrate. Everything including grocery buying happened when I was in office. DH and I had to pack up and go to cousins place for the night. This, in my house. Imagine the condition of the DIL who moves in with the PILs. Regardless of if it is the same background, religion, customs etc some PILs just are insensitive. Some others are sensitive to the DIL’s feelings. More than any ritual, compassion goes a long way. I wonder why my friend will ever celebrate these things this way when the PILs are gone. They are not chiranjeevis. The good thing would have been to let her mourn and let this year go.

 

We take the mostly sensible rational man and make a home thousands of miles away, and live the good life. The human mind glosses over things from early marriage or some that happen during India trips.

 

Neither. A decade into marriage and in my house I lived in longer than any other home I lived in(awww. I miss that house).
True though - every time a following tradition of PILs discussion comes up, I remember this. When we have such long memories, why will any woman who has such things pushed on her ever follow it?