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Conflict Management Of Fil/dil .

Discussion in 'Snippets of Life (Non-Fiction)' started by sln, Apr 8, 2019.

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  1. Apr 8, 2019 #31
    sln

    sln Platinum IL'ite

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    sln, Apr 8, 2019
    sln, Apr 8, 2019
    #31
  2. Apr 8, 2019 #32
    sln

    sln Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Jayasala,
    I know a gentleman 70+ who gave away the entire retirement benefit to his son and now has to ask for permission and cash to go by auto.He tries to supplement his income by accepting the role of brahmin in monthly/annual shrardth rituals.His complaint was that even in this he had to part with 20% commission to the Purohit who gets him the assignment.The moral of the story- conserve your resources to be handed over after your departure.Contingency planning is a necessary exercise to save oneself from unexpected shocks.
    SLN
     
    sln, Apr 8, 2019
    sln, Apr 8, 2019
    #32
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  3. Apr 8, 2019 #33
    nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    Many many daughters genuinely want to take care of parents just as there are many many sons who voluntarily take care of their parents sacrificing everything else. And it is not impossible - to a westerner, a DIL living with her inlaws in joint family may seem practically impossible but we in India do it anyway. Same way a couple can take care of both set of parents if they truly want. Depending on the situation, the care may be
    -financial from her earnings or physical ,
    -permanent staying together vs equal visits to both parents and PILs,
    -taking care solely or dividing care between her sister/brother..
    any of these cases can be handled ..but first PILs need to allow DIL to take care of her parents equally .

    And just like you said, there exist some individuals who don't like to take care of the elderly and make excuses- have seen such individuals as well .So elders should definitely beware before handing off their property and becoming dependent.
     
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2019
    nakshatra1, Apr 8, 2019
    nakshatra1, Apr 8, 2019
    #33
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  4. Apr 8, 2019 #34
    ThoughtsParv

    ThoughtsParv Senior IL'ite

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    This is my scenario : Fil is good hearted but corners me when DH is not there to give me regular report card marks: " Houskeeping - Pooradhu (Not good enough) | Cooking: Pooradhu | Wastage : Too much | Anger : Too much (with reference to my private interactions with DH).
    As a result I work late when he visits to avoid too much one on one time.
    And then he complains to DH that he is bored and that I am not spending time with him.

    As you mentioned Sir, difference between dad and Fil is this. Both try to help around the house (even though I hire help). Only once goes around telling relatives about my incompetence.
     
    ThoughtsParv, Apr 8, 2019
    ThoughtsParv, Apr 8, 2019
    #34
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  5. Apr 9, 2019 #35
    Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    Shakespeare adapted this story in "King Lear"
     
    Amulet, Apr 9, 2019
    Amulet, Apr 9, 2019
    #35
  6. Apr 9, 2019 #36
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    All fancy and well-intentioned notions of treat her like your daughter, treat in-laws like your parents etc. don't work.

    Ek myaan mein do talwar nahin reh sakti
    Literal: Two swords cannot fit into one scabbard. (scabbard = a sheath for the blade of a sword or dagger)
    English equivalent: Two of a trade seldom agree.

    In a household, there has to be a primary in-charge person or couple. The older couple is in charge or the younger couple is. All have to voluntarily and without duress agree who is in charge. It has to be clear who is living with whom. It is never a case of all living together. It should be clear to all whether the older couple is living in house of the younger. Or, the younger couple is living in the house of the older couple.

    The ideal situation is: If the ages of the older couples (his and her parents) allow, then, do not live with the younger couple for the first 7-10 years of their marriage. Let them be. Let them learn from their mistakes. Let them be able to make love madly where they want in the house. Let them fight and let there be space and privacy for patching up without the "advice from wiser parents."
     
    Rihana, Apr 9, 2019
    Rihana, Apr 9, 2019
    #36
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  7. Apr 9, 2019 #37
    jayasala42

    jayasala42 IL Hall of Fame

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    'Live and let live'-the saying is correct.But everyone wants to live and the question of 'letting live' does not seem to be necessary to anyone. To some extent living in senior citizen homes fulfills the purpose.Even then, if one becomes too sick to be taken care,the problem will be there'.'Anaayaasena maranam' is the only prayer; and only the gifted few can have.
    jayasala 42
     
    jayasala42, Apr 9, 2019
    jayasala42, Apr 9, 2019
    #37
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  8. Apr 9, 2019 #38
    sln

    sln Platinum IL'ite

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    If DAD[He is also an old man] also makes such comments you laugh it off and say "I dont know how mummy managed to put up with you and run the family" There are people who have a laundry list of complaints which is quite irritating.They dont discriminate-they have complaints against their wives also.Just laugh it off or ignore it.Doing the disappearing act is a strategic move.SLN
     
    sln, Apr 9, 2019
    sln, Apr 9, 2019
    #38
  9. Apr 9, 2019 #39
    sln

    sln Platinum IL'ite

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    D
    ea
     
    sln, Apr 9, 2019
    sln, Apr 9, 2019
    #39
  10. Apr 9, 2019 #40
    Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    When parsed like that, doesn't it sound horrible ?

    This is the kind of situation that has the potential to go really bad. The girl suffers in silence, being uncomfortable to go to her own home. I think the poor girl ought to hire a professional minder to "spend time" with the harasser, and charge that expense to the home budget for utilities.
    Mothers know this in many families, and try to protect their daughters from being cornered by their own fathers, or other male relatives, when no one else was present in the house.
     
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2019
    Amulet, Apr 9, 2019
    Amulet, Apr 9, 2019
    #40
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