Selection

I had read many articles on this topic. Some I liked more.
One of them is this. Hope it helps.

A letter to my daughters: How to choose a life partner

 

The 7 key things to aim for is nothing original. It is ancient wisdom spelled out in the Indian Classic called Panchatantra: Money, looks, knowledge of books (I called these some of the deal breakers), family reputation (Should not marry into the Madoffs), Youth, Job, and honesty (whether what he/they say is the truth).

There is no age-range for marriage. It would depend on the culture. In India it is still kosher for girls to get married at 25+/-x years. In phoren, this could be a few years higher.

As for educational attainment.... if someone is handicapped with a phd, well... that is sad, because it immediately conjures up images that are not necessarily complimentary, but the situation is not totally terrible. The shame can be hidden and then revealed at a later time, when it wouldn't matter all that much. I am sure this is only in America; other countries could be different. For an amreeki-desi going to India for a bride, this could actually be a positive. I am giving you a random google result (there are several): Does having a PhD hurt your dating prospects? However, (as is often said), some of my best friends have this affliction, and they had salvaged a fine life for themselves.

Children usually listen to aunties that they like. Auntie is any non-parent adult, who could be a friend of one or both parents. Parents could usually ask them to inoculate their child with a notion, so that it looks like it came from someone the child looks up to, and not the parent. This happens in India, this happens in phoren as well. Aunties could write email to college-gone children, with questions. Parents would never get a clear or direct response to some of these questions, whereas aunties would. Clever children would even use aunties to pass on information to their parents, when directly telling them (or emailing them that) would seem thoroughly dorky. For a parent to be good friends with a child in her late 20's, the project needed to have begun when the child was a preteen. After that the parent will be totally dependent on good aunties that she had cultivated over the years. This is just a fact of life.

 

Identifying what the deal breakers are is a crucial step if one were to be married to someone and cohabit. Getting wishy-washy with the deal breakers is the HUGE mistake young people make.... because of early sampling of other benefits in a marriage. If only they can stick to the deal breaker conditions, albeit free/easy sampling, things will work out fine, even for the unfortunate ones stuck with phd's. There isn't a whole lot parents can do, unless the child is ready for an arranged hitch via the desi internet match portals, and going to India to find the final candidate.

 

I may be the odd one here.
For me, the chemistry between myself and the other person was/is the most important factor.
This is what makes the emotional and physical connect between the two, which is very important in any marriage.

You need to be attracted with the other person to take the relationship to the next level.

See, we mingle with many professionals, many educated and well settled people, but we don't feel attracted to all of them. Some are even known to us since childhood and they can be very good souls too.
But, in life at times we feel instant connect with someone within few meetings, and we feel so comfortable with them as if we are known to each other for life. This comfort is the must when selecting the partner.

As adults we need to pay so much attention to our brain, because the age and the hormones might mislead us during such times with confusing feelings like lust and infatuation with opposite sex.

This chemistry thing is different.
There are happy couple whose external compatibility may not be perfectly matching....
Educated women are happily married to farmers
Beautiful women are happily married to not so good looking men
Age difference between spouses,yet happy marriage
Rich men married to poor girls and vise versa.....

And on the other hand, regardless of all the perfect matching, some couples are unhappy or leading their marriage for the sake of society and kids.

So, I would advice young women to pay attention tp what their brain and heart says than what their society and families say in this matter

 

Thank you for your question Sir

Chemistry between a man and woman is defined as this:-
These chemical bonds are responsible for feeling that special connection with someone; they are responsible for feeling that you have to see this other person again; they are responsible for "the spark." Simply put, chemistry is the emotional and psychological way two people relate to each other.

It just happens within 1-2 meetings or even at times without seeing each other, but through other communications means. It is like you feel that you've known that someone for a long time very quickly.
As I explained previously, you are not necessarily to feel this way (this connected) with a relative or a friend who is with you since childhood.
So, it is not something we establish after living with someone.... It is something we need to understand before establishing a committed relationship with someone.
This chemistry can be further developed as romantic chemistry to a couple relationship

What you are talking here is not chemistry, but comfort.

The usual marital bond that is established between the husband and wife in the marriage is called comfort.
Comfort is different. When you are comfortable with someone, it means you are relaxed enough around them to be who you are. Excitement is important too, but it should be balanced with the feeling of stability. You shouldn't feel like you're about to teeter off the edge of sanity at any moment.

 

That's some provender for me to chew on.

Girls in their twenties enter into a relationship with a man with whom they can build their life together.
Girls in their thirties enter into a relationship with a man with whom they can build their life alongside.

How so?

Thirty-something men and women are much settled — say: housing assets, staggered education (BS then MS then MBA in two years folded up by age 30), earning capacity, solvency, boys frat, girls sorority, temperaments and prejudices — they have their lives streamlined that onboarding someone as partner is to grow in life alongside rather than pooling together their flair and resources.

A fledgling relationship in thirties is drastically different from a fledgling relationship in twenties. In twenties, you are committing into a relationship at the prospects and not the proof which could tank in some cases. Like, the girl finds a job sooner in campus than the boy who still struggles through the employment. The relationship falters because the girl, at that juncture, does not know if that togetherness is skewed and encumbered.

In thirties, the individuals hold their own aspirations and incomes and prefer not to blend into togetherness of prospects. You have your own house. He has his own house. Marry into and stay in someone's house or rent out brand new house. He has his own holidays and finances and annoyances. She has her holidays and finances and irritations. You take care of your dysfunctional parents and I will take care of mine. They vacation mostly with friends when the partner is unavailable. Both have independent lives not contingent on the combined and amplified resources. In fact, women in thirties marry their partners just at the cusp of starting a family. OK, let's get married now. They prefer to retain as long as they can as a 'seeing couple' rather than a 'married couple' up until the joint undertaking of Raising Arizona emerges.

What the heck are you trying to say Oro?

Couples (dating, seeing, married) in their thirties consider their partner as an addition to their already fulfilling life (career, standing, amity, comity, eccentricities, perplexities) rather than an interlocked and supportive crutch to endure life.

Their finances are being taken of by themselves, they invest independently, they deal with their family problems singularly, they engage with their own circle of friends whilst occasionally catching up with each other's friends, and amidst all this they feel markedly happier to have a partner at home to snuggle back into and read Goodnight Moon story to each other.

They might not get wiser in selecting a partner but they lead self-assured lives that the imperative of selecting a justified partner is lost on them. She adores the koochie-koochie man for the 'specific' indulgence she expects out of him (he is well-read, he loves the cartoon I watch, he is a wise-cracker, he wears a moose sweater) as she already has quite a stronghold of preoccupation and fulfillment in her life even in his absence. That is thirty-something for you. Ask me the girls in forties and I will respond even more radical.