Present Indian Marriages-upgrades Required To Keep Relations Smooth .

completely agree with you....but abusing and misuse of power is what concerns me more at this time...

 

This is a very good educative thread. Thanks @yellowmango for starting this thread.

Joint family system
First of all, let's stop painting our girls as most innocent or vulnerable creatures. They are as much educated, exposed and level headed as their male counterparts.
They are strong and bold too.

Even an uneducated girl from a rural village knows a JF system has both his joyous and troublesome sides. A JF can never have privacy, there will be interference, there will be disturbances, and there will be restrictions. Although everyone under a JF is equal to God, there will still be some discomforts to the newly wedded couple.
So, if a girl still enters to a JF system wholeheartedly, don't call her innocent for believing that everything will be fine as per her taste in a JF. Don't say that she made this decision in all good faith.
Even if she is innocent per se, what about her experienced parents and relatives who are very much involved in the marriage decision?

Generally, these girls enter into the marriage by believing that they can change their H against JF with time. They are taught to keep their Hs under their control. They are even told how best to keep their Hs tied to their pallu as part of pre-marriage training by the elders at their home.
Some families believe, no matter how hardly a woman learns science and technology, her marital happiness begins only when she learns manipulative techniques.
As it is part of marriage preparation across the places in our culture, the MILs too become defensive against this. They see their newly wedded DIL as a threat only.
In fact, the DILs never approach their MILs as mothers, rather their rivals. That's where the whole problems start.
This cycle will never end unless the JF system comes to an end.
A woman can very well object a JF system, and wait till she finds a suitable match as per her demands.
But in general, the women and their parents chose to ignore the living set up after marriage when a guy becomes a great catch.
Many marriages are decided based on horoscope, status, caste and dowry rather than the taste and life style of both parties.

Relationship with FOO
After marriage, both the man and woman must do something to ensure their relationship with their FOO stays fresh.
It is their responsibility.
Generally the women lose their ties with their parents the moment they leave their parental home. They devote themselves to their marital home and start to treat their PILs as parents. This would lead them to lose their place at their parental home. They would eventually become an outsider at their own FOO.
However, this would not be the case with their SILs. So, when their SILs mingle with their parents in their FOO as a part of the family, the DILs become uncomfortable.
Either it is their jealousy, inability or frustration.
It also becomes a problem when their PILs differentiate the DILs with their DDs.
Because the DILs believe that their PILs will treat them as DDs just as they treat their PILs as parents. But it never happen. No DIL can be equal to DD, just as no PIL can be equated to parents.
Women should understand this and accept this wholeheartedly.

The woman who has close connection with their FOO rarely feel bad when their PILs and SILs connect closely.

I read somewhere in another thread that the DILs are blamed if their parents drink a glass of water at their place, and they call it tradition.
I wonder what was the DILs response to this sarcastic statement?
Because the tradition also says DILs should stay at home and their needs are to be met by their husbands only. But the modern DILs are working, and are self sufficient and are providing to their marital home against what is mentioned in the tradition. So, why so worry about protecting the tradition when it comes to giving some water to the DILs parents?
Why cant the DIL take care of her parents from her own hard earned money? That includes keeping the parents with her or even giving them care/meals and what not.
Since working DILs is against the tradition, why can't we also do this against the tradition?

Basically, why on earth the woman put up with such sarcastic and nasty comments despite of having financial independence?
If their aim is to save their marriage, then they are wrong?
Saving a marriage at the cost of self respect and self satisfaction (helping parents) is not worth. This will only give them frustration in the long run.

No wonder, many women are frustrated, hence become greedy.

 

"In good faith" is not the same as 'innocently', 'ignorantly' or 'with her eyes closed'. It only means that she thought (and hoped) things would work out, and not that she imagined everything would be hunky dory. She has not lived with her ILs before, she has not lived long term in somebody else's home; so what she expects or hopes to do is totally hypothetical until she is actually in that situation.

If before marriage, this girl was to say it can't work that way, everyone would have asked her how she could make such a statement without actually ever having experienced the situation. How could she jump to conclusions based on someone else's experiences? It might not be that way for her ...... Her attitude would be straightaway labelled as 'negative' approach.

The kind of pressure parents and relatives put on their daughters to get married is nothing new. They are so desperate for them to get married, that they would try to convince her that everything will be fine. They even go to the extent of trying to convince her that she can change the man after marriage. There are women and then there are women. Some are desperate to get married, some want to please their parents, some don't dare to speak up, others rebel ..... it takes all sorts. But honestly, I wonder how many women really stand up strongly against all this pressure.

Is it fair to expect her to live with the PILs when this is the case?

 

So we can conclude that JF is breaking because of manipulative, evil scheming DIL. its Good for PILs as anyway its not good for them to live with such a person(DIL). They should let go of their son and dil for their peace....

 

I would like to add, its different to live/view JF from perspective of daughter than perspective of DIL. Girls before marriage know JF as a daughter, while being DIL its very different. they get the real taste only after they get married.
Society loves to paint the picture as fight occurs in JF due to DiL badness and selfishness. Girls think before marriage that if i will be good everything will workout, after all tensions happen due to DIL badness. its only after marriage they get to know that being good is not the sufficient requirement, but being the doormat and punchbag is...
I have heard many people stories that even in love marriages, their husband, whom they know for years before marriage, how he changed in to mumma's boy after marriage.
In arrange marriage , inlaws behave very well with the girls till marriage happens, after that they show their true colors...

 

besides agreeing to JF in good faith or as a part of manipulative scheme, is not signing a slavery contract.it doesnt give rights to PILs to treat woman as second citizen. If JF is not working out, woman has all right to come out of it. its in the best interest of both parties, son& DIL and PILs.

parents pressurizing the girls for marrying is nothing new, but i want to meet those plotting, scheming and manipulative girls, who thinks that they will change the man in their favor who had been brainwashed by his parents for years...

 

You've naied it here, @blackbeauty84 !

The way sons are raised must change. Dads ought to set a better example - both to sons and daughters. And that is indispensible. Once the groom is able to see the bride for a human instead of a girl who is going to cook and clean and keep house for him, things will move forward.

The media has to stop extolling the virtues of these pativratha type women. if the girl has lead a chaste and virtuous life, good. equally good is an outgoing Tom boy who continues to be an outgoing vivacious one who knows her own mind even after (gasp!) marriage.

Again while the girl may be educated and not so "innocent", joint family cam be a rude shock. it was to me. There are nasty people out there. and many ILs seem to quickly join that club simply because of the "power" they seem to assume they have over the girl.

the girls must be taught to stand up for themselves and start as they mean to go on instead of trying to please one and all. The whole concept of mums having to teaching their daughters the sanskari way to be should change - if I'd followed my docile, patient mum's ways I'd have been driven mad by now!

The best is for the married couple to live by themselves to understand each other and forge their life and lifestyle without the interference of anyone else. For this a lot of maturity is required; getting married later, instead of at 22 will help. Additionally both the guy and the girl ought to have lived by themselves for a few years and be established in their careers helps with the maturity angle.

I wonder if it's a good idea to start marital philosophy courses for men and women so they can understand what to expect and what to give before the big commitment. that would be and great money-spinner too!

 

We should stop raising our girls believing that marriage is ultimate goal for their life...marriage is getting a companion for the journey of life, its not the destination itself. our girls should value themselves more and should be able to say no to any wrongdoings.
Parents of daughters should keep one thing in their mind, that not marrying is much better than bad marriage.