tortured by dil

True. They are part of us . But in my experience I have seen many progressive families too Not only now but when I grew up to that is in middle class india.

in any case I not denying that evils exist not closing my eyes to that . But I choose to be the change .

 

Millions of dead among billions do constitute a minority.
Your beautiful needs little change.
The real world needs change and can only be brought about by people who accept the reality first and not treat it frivolously.
There are people who deny the holocaust......what can be done about that.

 

I have heard of this 'math' thing ... somewhere ... thinkingsmiley.

I still don't know what ask men.com is, although I can guess - will look it up.
Don't need it though. I gently withdrew from the arranged marriage option, skirting that comedy of errors. This involved only my parents - so, relatively easier. (I must add that I am not entirely against arranged marriages, especially the more thoughtful versions that have evolved. In general I am for as many ways of bringing people together as possible, in a 'whatever works for you' spirit.)

Note that I'm not advocating for a big wedding! Nor do I have any sympathy for grooms & his parents who demand one, or for a bridezilla willing to blithely impose crippling debt on her parents or brothers to land the Perfect Man. I just wanted to put in my vote on behalf of young women who find themselves swept along by some of our less desirable traditions and social weaknesses, by saying that even as a man who generally holds the upper hand, I could have done little then.

Now, I'd better read this thread! :rotfl

 

@yellowmango and @satchitananda i completely agree with you. i see that day parity around me every day. from inequality of pay, to breaking the glass ceiling and fighting for what is rightfully yours every step.

WE need to learn not only from our mistakes, also from what is happening around us. most times, we see only what we want to see, rather than what actually is.

From what i see-- wrong notions...

there is no guarantee that our boys will take care of us when he gets married..(stop this predefined notions, that start sowing all negative in the family even before the dil enters..)

when people adopt, they adopt a girl stating atleast the girl will cry when we pass aways..the boy will not even see us...(at least in most of the cases i have seen from the past 22 years..yes the first adoption happened 22 years back and it was a girl, to the latest again a girl)


LEt us change for the betterment, if possible convince our elders to change (they have changed, but it is not enough), let us raise our children to think independently, stand up for the right choice and the fair decisions and not succumb to the societal pressures. be clear in their thinking as to be able to bring in change.

in that heaven of a society, let my next generation bloom....

 

thts y i highlighted some things in the examples given becuase i found those were the reasons they were able to do it....
like Visva sir did it voluntarily ....not many husbands had tht gr8 heart...
for some people in laws are agreeing to come in rotations...not all in laws are tht understanding...
for some people their FIL was of very broad and good thinking and they think that gals parents shuld be taken care of equally....now these kind of FIL are rare...
for some helping with money...and setting a home near to their flat...

hardly there was example where all were living together and in laws are of old mindset or not so broadminded...

Thing is not tht that i cant do it for various reasons....thing is tht i want to do it and give a thought to it how can i achieve it as in my condn its little difficult....i can do it or not is out of question as till now need has not arised...but certainly i would love to take care of my mother and so will be true for my husband...he likes to tkae care of his parents....i also want to feel privileged by doing something for my parents while they loved me like they loved my brother ....but social conditioning makes it difficult....and when i think tht with me she has to bear my FIL taunts and her self respect wuld be hurt i think its better if she is with me brother only ....its not tht tht i dont stand up to my FIL....even my husband is very understanding in case of my parents....but my FIL is unstoppable....its my expereince..he literally says main aisa huun aur aisa hi rahoonga...

may be u are talking about idealism and i am talking about practicality...

people who are having gud in laws they may think that when people wants to move out they dont want to take care of in laws....they may not understand what other people are facing....
people who are having understanding in laws and supportive husband they may not understand what a woman can face if she wants to take care of her parents ....they may think as excuse for not taking care of parents...
but if u see only positivity then there may be people who are facing negativity too....when they complain abt it it doesnt mean tht negativity doesnt exist and they are just making excuse of it....

 

Yes armummy. Saw some of those too when growing up. What bothers and worries me is the feeling that things are going retrograde with time instead of progressing. As for being the change, am sure all of us do in whatever way is possible. However, unless that effort becomes a mass movement, all our efforts will just be a drop in the ocean.

 

friendssmileyBrilliantly put Shanvy.

 

@Shanvy ....I have seen a lot of adoption cases amongst acquaintances(7) and all of them have been girls.Probably because adoption itself is a progressive thought and also because of larger number of girls up for adoption.

The only case of a boy adoption from a friend....the boy was taken(bought) from a very poor same caste family .......that was the condition laid down by the guy's family after refusing to let them adopt for close to 17-18 years. They got married before us and the kid is barely in play school.

This is just from what I have seen. I may be wrong about the general picture.

 

I am not talking about idealism, I am talking about real people taking the step .

but I don't see any point in dragging the discussion . You are entitled to your views .

 

Agree . Mass movement I dont know if that happens just by discussion in our drawing rooms and forums . I believe change needs to happen to us and through us to next generation .

Dowry deaths wont stop until if parents refuse to give dowry and specially girls refuse to marry with dowry but then we make excuse , oh I had no choice .


female infanticide won't stop unless mother stands upto it but we have so many pressures from society and inlaws etc . But who changes the socity , the mother too , if she stands up , there is hope . It is not easy I know many looser lives too but that is the only way is see . There are laws but that does not prevent these things .