tortured by dil

Ha ha now the discussion turned to how these Indians who stay abroad can say a anything against my beloved USA. Actually for many of Indians like me coming to US is pure business need as in indian companies requirement to have their personnel abroad to attend their clients needs. USA needs us too that is why they have H1B , hence we are here on visas. The said great US has it's companies at India's doorstep to setup their back operations. That is their need too. If India looses it's advantage , they will move somewhere else.

 

Well it is considering how bossy some mil might be. What exactly is your problem? If you want to help, help otherwise don't boss people around for no apparent reason.

 

i just took her post to say that we need not invest 100% in it emotionally and physically with expectations..and did not mean the op had to start saving from her old age.

now coming to the points discussed, omg you people shred a thread to tatters, that the op will definitely not want to post anything..i understand there are more dil's here, but why don't we give her some space to explain herself.


That said op...
your daughter got married into another culture assuming it is a love marriage. and you had to do everything you needed to do to stabilize her marriage.. now look at what you say later...my dil's mother is interfering..

so if you do that whatever, to stabilise your daughter's marriage it is fine, but if your dil's mother does it to see to the best of her's it is wrong.. i am sure this double standard hurts your dil..i know it hurts a lot, because i am also a dil, and eldest one, and had to make a lot of sacrifices to keep things going for my family.

you cook something your sil liked, and want to push it through your dil's throat, does not she have the freedom to say no..and i am sure here it is the hurt, more than the food that is playing truant. your praising your dd, sil (whose marriage had problems and you had to stablize), and forcing something they liked on your son and dil's plate, will definitely hurt your dil. once you can tell pleasantly, twice she can tell your pleasantly, i am sure she is so hurt that she is now showing it by telling you not to feed the kids..if you are a really good mil, you would have taken the hint in the first or second instance and taken a step back.

what i really felt bad is the way you put across a sentence..i don't need their money, i have a daughter too. so you are clearly showing you are in favor of your daughter. if somebody on a virtual forum can see it, i am sure it is blatantly seen by the son and the dil too. the son who has been supportive and accomodative can also get hurt. (there is a saying..aap itna bhi mat kheecho daaga toot jaye/ dont stretch a thread too much that it breaks) your son's hurt is now showing as i too did sacrifices..(I am sure it would have started off with your quoting, we did this we did that to get you educated and so..) i am not saying what you did is not commendable..you did it because you wanted to do it for your son..but if it comes out repeatedly you push him to a corner.

now, do not try to interpret or analyze the sister and brother relationship. do you think you could have had a chance of getting her married, established if the dil were to play truant. i know of dil's who would not allow the brother to do anything for the sister. so the relationship between the brother and sister was not bad. please do not interfere in their fights/arguments. and do not carry over things from either household bringing more distance between the two.

you want to enjoy the company, the presence of your son, please start observing, what works for all of you, trying to change a little from your side (I agree your dil could also be wrong, in the way she has showed her reaction..) if you watch tv during the children's study time. if you are demanding their presence at a time it is uncomfortable for them.

thaali do haath se bajthi hai..(two hands to clap.). your son being so accomodative as to not uproot you from this home and giving you money and your dil to giving you money (why do you look at what your dil gives differently, she maybe giving it with concern and love...) shows that they are not bad. you want their time for yourself you need to adapt and adjust.

A senior member of this forum, a great grandmother now once told me 8 years back, that advice to our married kids should be given only when asked. they are matured and married, and know the ways of the world, so they know what they are doing. And advice unless asked is not appreciated especially in marriage. It is something I have memorized.

Your grandchildren are growing, and they also note how you both are treating each other, and surely they will form their opinions and react accordingly. Do not do something harsh that you lose the love/respect of your grandkids, that it becomes very difficult to get it back.If your dil is also working, just make a routine for yourself, give her the space to her thing, and do yours once the morning rush is done. And if you are by any chance giving the riot list of sacrifices or giving him scoldings please do not do that in front of your dil or kids all the time..remember your son is also now a father.

Last but not least, your son has been married for 8 years. You are not privy to what he goes through emotionally, financially, workwise, the pressure, the tensions and the sacrifices (that he told you), as his wife that is your dil. She has been part of his life for 8 years and will be his life partner for life, and if she is happy, your son is happy with her and if she is taking care of her family well (including you), then give her the credit and do not make life miserable for both of you comparing everything with what your daughter does
One more things, if your are trying to get back for all that you suffered as a dil, then please remember what was done is done. Your mil did not have the awareness and exposure you have and you can be a better person by being a better mil and a better grandmother..
A little change, a little change of attitude can go a long way, even if you believe that you have been tortured by your dil.

Torture by dil that I have seen –
You cannot live in the same building as your mother. If you talk to her, please do not enter the house. If you call her on your phone, I will go to my mother’s place.

You cannot buy her medicines. You cannot take her to the hospital. i will hurt myself.

she cannot touch my kid.

Locking the kitchen so that mil cannot eat anything even if she is hungry, other than what is packed in a small dabba/box

Double standard by mil..I know off..

Not helping the dil, in chores or other things even when she is sick, but doing everything when the daughter comes home.
Wanting the best treatment for you from son and dil, and telling your daughter, to admit the fil in a government hospital..
Everytime the daughter comes, she needs to be given gifts and things for the niece and nephew by the son and dil, but the daughter need not get anything for her nephews or niece..
The list can go on…
Let us change a little, to make things better, and remove the stigma of mils being bad.
No wonder I hear of alliances where the brides reject grooms who stay with their parents.

Before you say something, i am one of those dils who has been/is sacrificing many years of her marriage life living separately from her husband just to take care of her in-laws, who thought it is the duty of the eldest son..no they don't have any property that comes to my husband nor any assets..and today, the thread has been stretched so bad, that i am doing it because of humanity more than the relationship.

 

What has medicare/social security has to do with this? Is it really the only way to support elderly parents financially to be crammed together in the same house? And why would a widower move out, isn't it the young adults who are supposed to move out and build their own homes?

Yes, there may be financial constraints and you have to live together. If the parents health are failing there maybe reasons to have him/her move in.

But wouldn't it be better for OP to have the opportunity to live in her own home, without having to deal with a sulking DIL? Being able to have her daughters (and other) as guests, eating and preparing the food she likes?

 

[FONT=&amp]This isn’t a question of Indian type parents vs western type children in my opinion. I think both are very Indian here. The parents spent all they had for kid and on the other hand kid (read son) buys house for the family, takes financial responsibility of the parents, plays important role in marrying and settling younger siblings and has been jointly living with his parents to give them company with his wife and kid for years and even made sure his wife contributes for the family. So it’s not a question of Indian and western.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]The problem arises in a different place. If we focus here we see that the ‘torture’ here is that the daughter of the family has married in a different culture and now following that culture has become compulsory at home. Note that op IS cooking that kind of food regularly and she IS feeding all including her grand kid with that. She IS using her snil’s language at home occasionally. Not that the dil could stop any of that. She is only showing irritation in face. Her son is doing his best to support his mom by not raising any objection himself. He is not taking his wife’s side and asking mom to stop any of these. Only one thing that is left for him to do now is take a tape and paste on his wife’s mouth to stop her from making face. For failing to do that, he has to now be ousted from the house he bought with his hard earned money and go living in a rented home (we all know the cost of living at least in big cities now-a-days) while continuing financial supply to his parents, in short maintaining two establishments.[/FONT]

 

Absolutely love that statement and this of course also depends on the inter-personal relationships between parents, children and childrens' spouses.

 

+1

The loudest cheerers for Indian culture are the ones who left India for whatever Reasons.These ones are also the ones who are the loudest judges of children wanting to go nuclear.
While it is fine for them to go 'saat samundar paar' to pursue career and earn money.....(the most valid reason for everyone..paisa talks for everyone...even the ones left behind in India)....but setting up a separate home for peace and sanity of the newer couple is 'abandonment.
What hypocrisy!!!!I can accept someone like Shanvy saying anything because she walks the talk...but when others judge ...it is plain hypocrisy.

 

May be people should learn from a large number of Indian parents who have only daughters.
They raise them ,educate them,very often save for a fat dowry that they have to pay the family who happen to have a son and still save enough to life a life of basic dignity.No chest beating about abandonment ,no sermons about sanskar ,no sense of entitlement accept to be cared for in the very end when they are no longer physically able to take care of them selves.

It is not surprising that no one sings praises of these parents ....because it doesn't help the cause of a vast majority of parents who have sons only or both sons and daughters. This section of society almost isn't part of the great Indian culture mela.