need advice..pls

seem · Feb 23, 2008

Hi friends,
i just want all your opinion and advice..I was verbally hurt by my inlaws including my sister in law deeply..i think nearly 6 months has gone,but still those words are there in my mind..my husband is advicing me to forget it and have mind clear but i could not..My husband has somehow balanced the problem.The problem is when i was in india,before marriage,they(in laws) used to call 3 times a day to talk with me,and talk one hour every time.first it was ok..but after that i have gone crazy..they will come to my house take me almost every day, and drop me in evening,before marriage to spend time with me..this is not wrong,but the final months i wanted to spend with my parents got affected.i could not even see my parents except night time.,...after marriage,if i need to see my parents they will come with me and let me see my parents and take me again to their house,i was trapped totally,no basic freedom too...and after coming to USA,they insisted me to call always and tell everything what i did,like what did i cook today,how many times i talked with my husband,what and all i discussed with my husband,everything to say plus i have to email them everyday just without any matter. i could not bare their over care and they interfered so much..i discussed my inconvenience to my husband..he understood..but after sometime,they will always persist my husband that why iam not talking to them(i do talk to them but not 3 times a day.this made them going against me and was yelling at me always to their son)They don't even realize their bad behaviour towards me,whereas i have not said hurtful words towards them,i used to discuss with my husband only in case of any inconvenience(this is the foolish thing most of the ladies do including me with their husbands due to inncocence)...Plus,before marriage itself,my sister in law doesn't like me atall and have not responded properly and was always shouting at house when i will be in the house..i don't know why she disliked me till now..I discussed my problem with my husband about his sister and this has gone to her ears and she was waiting for an oppurtunity to blame me in silly things like why iam not talking to them,why iam not emailing my FIL,etc..external wounds are easily healed,whereas internal wounds are there always..iam trying my best to forget but iam feeling depressed..iam a reserved person,i don't even talk much with my parents too.But i managed my best to talk with them.but they are not satisfied...sometimes it makes me to get angry towards my husband because he is not strict with his parents,especially with his sister.His sister talks about me as if iam a buffalo,she will use cheap words to comment about me.i could not even bare it,..Why iam telling this is if people are not strict with them,they will take over advantage and decide for others also without even asking others and expect to do what they say.So,nobody comes towards them. Even If they come,they will wait till their job is done and escapes...i just need to vent outside..Ladies,give me some tips to be happy always and forget hurtful things in life..please help..sorry for long email ladies..this is just a short sumary in my life.tips please to be happy...
thanks

Ria2006 · Feb 23, 2008

Hello Seem,

Your problem is one of the most common one on this forum. I am sure if you go through several other posts you will be little relieved to know there are lots sailing in same boat. However I am really amazed to know that so many people are waiting for their husbands to settle things for them. I mean how and why they should do it.

In ideal setting, lot of things should happen in equal society. But they dont happen in context of Indian marriage. So we all try to find a mid way balance to sanity of our mind and peace in our homes.

Now coming back to In-law's issue, you just need to pick up the charge and be smart in handling them. We by our own reaction guide people how they should continue to treat us. Fighting with words and confrontation are low level of handling delicate relations. I would say use some tact and diplomacy. Females have it in their blood. They just depend too much on their husband to fix things for them.

Some of the mild actions you could take is :

- No matter who is angry or who is making fuss. Just continue whatever frequency works for you for making phone calls. If they crib intially, tell firmly. You are working person and you dont have much energy left at the end of day.

- Ignore SIL, if she doesnot change her ways. When she yells or complains. Ask her to be nice to you else she can take a highway.

- You will get as much dirt as you take in life, So first instance to stand againts is very first time you get it.

-Ria

srinivasan_vanaja · Feb 23, 2008

hi seem,

be happy that your husband had understood your feelings. when there is a full support from your husband you need not have to bother about others.

he may remain silent giving respect to his mother and sister. but at the same time he tries to understand your feelings too.

i tell you do not spoil your relationship with your husband by keep on telling about your MIL and SIL. you handle them wisely. these type of people need a special treatment.

you be very nice to them. talk wisely by not disclosing much of the conversations you have with your husband. make them realize that you are not their puppet.

as ria said just ignore your SIL words. try this method if possible - whenever your MIL or SIL calls you, you tell them that whatever they want to know they can know from your husband and give the phone to him. one day or other he will get irritated and will teach them a lesson.

take care:thumbsup. be happy, you have to live your life. it lies in your own hands. your MIL or SIL has no right to snatch your happiness. be bold and wise. tie your husband with your love and affection and make him realize that you are something special.

seem · Feb 24, 2008

hello ria and vanaja,
thank you very much for your replies as it was a relief for me to share with somebody..Yes..what u r telling is correct..but they are not talking to me directly..this is the problem..when we are in the house they call my husband and talk about me..they don't talk with me about this..so,over phone he always convinces his mother and his sister that hereafter i will talk with them as they desired..this made me to go even farther against them,due to lack of interest..and i don't have the courage to call and ask them " what is ur problem" because they will turn the story that i have started fighting with them..even my husband feels that i should move closer to them..i don't know what they have told him by caling his office..As for now,i have somehow stand against them and told my hubby that if another time this happens,i will not talk with them..SO,i don't know what he said to them now,they are keeping quiet.But,they are waiting for an oppurtunity to bounce on me if they get a chance...my hubby feels i should move with them whatever they be..the words they used,has not gone from my heart till now...Like you both told me,if i stand firm and teach them a lesson,everything will somehow subside...thanks a lot for your advices ladies..

Anushiv · Feb 24, 2008

Hi Seem,

I too totally agree with Ria & Vanaja Srinivasan. To tell you frankly, At least for the first 15yrs. of our married life most of the ladies (including me!) waste our time in talking about our in-laws. When you reach 40 yrs. (i.e. - after 10-15 yrs of married life) you will be ’immune’ to it. My personal opinion is just ignore. Enjoy your present life, talking about the past not only you're getting disturbed but also your husband will be perturbed.
As long as your husband is co-operative then this issue is very common. So, be happy & enjoy your married life.

dollyg · Feb 27, 2008

Anushiv said: ↑

Hi Seem,

I too totally agree with Ria & Vanaja Srinivasan. To tell you frankly, At least for the first 15yrs. of our married life most of the ladies (including me!) waste our time in talking about our in-laws. When you reach 40 yrs. (i.e. - after 10-15 yrs of married life) you will be ’immune’ to it. My personal opinion is just ignore. Enjoy your present life, talking about the past not only you're getting disturbed but also your husband will be perturbed.
As long as your husband is co-operative then this issue is very common. So, be happy & enjoy your married life.
Click to expand...

I agree with all the ladies here....talking is a very small problem , ignore and carry on ur life! be happy!
imagine how inconvinienced you would feel if you had to send them 10-30K every other month bonk

rya · Feb 27, 2008

Hi Everybody
you people are really awesome!..Even i was about to tell these(advices) to seem...Be happy always..and enjoy life!!
thanks

seem · Feb 27, 2008

Hello All,
Thank you very much for the replies...Really relieved from stress..I have to take ur experienced words as it has helped me a lot..Thanks Ladies.