How to forgive my spouse and move on

kavya007 · Dec 13, 2007

Hi Soaring Spirit,
I completely agree with you. What you say makes a lot of sense. Forgiveness helps the victim more than the offender. I have to make a conscious decision to forgive and write it down. Thanks so much for the sensible advice.
Thanks,
Kavya

soaringspirit said: ↑

Dear Kavya,

From reading your replies I can feel the constant struggle you are undergoing to forget the past. When you say “it is not easy to forget”, believe me, I know how you feel. This is from personal experience. It was not easy for me to forget some of the things I experienced and it took me a long time too.

What I learnt though is that time is not the healer alone. We think that over time we will become less sensitive to that hurt – nope it does not happen.

The only thing that works is to think rationally for ourselves. I will only say what I feel about forgiveness here. Rest you know - to pick your battles and fight them right etc.

Know that forgiveness helps us not them. Most of the times,we feel that when we forgive someone we are either bowing down to them or doing them a favor.
I have come to the conclusion that forgiveness helps the person who is suffering the most. Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness or bowing down AT ALL. It is a sign that you are ready to move on and do something about what happened to you.

Once you forgive, you can think about how to handle such a situation in the future, what will be you next course of action and you start noticing the good things around you. Basically forgiveness helps you take control of the situation. Right now all your energy and time has been taken up by the things that happened to you. You don’t have much energy left to “do” something about it. So look at forgiveness in this light.

If you think that it is “for them”” that you are doing it, it will be very hard to forgive. We are humans, we all think about “what is in it for me”. So that’s what is in it for you - control of the future situations. Isn’t that what you’d want? Past is already history.

Blondie, said it so right, your youth is not going to come back. Please think hard when you have the urge to go into the past again. This time is precious, try to make the best of this time.

All the best. Just work on it daily and keep at it. You’ll be there soon.

SS

Click to expand...

kavya007 · Dec 13, 2007

Hi Malspie,

I used to think the way you did before I had a child. In fact one of my friends was going through similar situation like me after her delivery. I often advised her that it is better to seek divorce then to continue the marriage. After the same problem happened to me I realized that it is a very painful and difficult decision to make. Divorce should only be used as a last resort when all other means have been tried. Sometimes it makes sense to divorce when you are in a very abusive relationship. But understand one thing, the main reason why people get married is for companionship. Man is a social animal. Love is a very basic need for a human being. When you are sick you want somebody at home to at least fetch you a glass of water. That is why we marry.

Financial independence does not mean everything. I have a successful career and earn a 6 figure income but I cannot imagine a life without my son and my husband. I would hate to enter an empty home from work. Trying to be a single working mom is extremely hard.

Kavya.

malspie said: ↑

Hi Kavya,

70% of the people whom I know are all divorcees. They have nulled the marriage and kids have not been the problem. They are all living independently in their own house and have not been a burden to anybody. Yes, the factor is they are all financially independent.

As I am an consultant and astrologer too, people from all walks of life come to me. Its so surprising to see, that the illiterates walk out of marriage more quickly than the elite ones. These so called less educated people are working in others home as maids, some of them have taken up jobs in factories on daily wages, their children are studying in Municipality schools. They have not bogged down to social pressures or peers. They have listened to their inner voice.

And a margin of the few who continue for the sake of CHILDREN AND SOCIETY are having affair outside marriage. Both woman and man go out for fun and return home to their CHILDREN. This is the life I have seen and am seeing everyday.
Click to expand...

Varloo · Dec 13, 2007

Hi,
I had been following this thread silently. I have had a very hard married life for the past 20 years. First it was the in laws and by the time they moved out of our lives, hubby himself is the problem. He does not drink, smoke or cheat on me . But he has such a sharp and whipping tongue that everytime he speaks it is like getting lashed. When I point out his problem, he gets more sarcastic. But if he is pleased and happy, he will be the epitome of love and would smother us with goodies etc.
I was working earlier in Railways, but even then I could not think of walking out. I have 3 younger sisters and I was made to understand tht their future would get affected. You see, the way we are brought up plays a strong role in our decision in such a case. I had been brought up in a very submissive way and could not muster up courage to fight for my rights. More over, my people would not speak up for me (I had an arranged marriage).
And now with a 17 year old son who is used to a luxurious way of life, I could not even think of separation.More to that, he needs good medical care too, which may not be possible if I walk out.
No one would think it correct if a wife walks out for these reasons too, in India our mind set is such.
Please coonsider this too, my friend went off due to problems with husband after adjusting so much. She was financially independent and had a sound back ground too. But once she was out of the marriage, she had to face so many harsh situations.
1. Her own brother told her not to expect much from him.
2. She had to watch painfully when her sons were deprived of the father's role. She could not take them out late or go for tours etc.
3. She even now faces sexual advances from collegues and neighbours and when she turns them down, they spread rumours about her character.
4.Now that her sons are older and the elder one is employed, she feels lonely too. Her siblings have their own life to lead and could not accomodate her in their set up always.
5.Her sisters also show their fear that she may get into an affair with their husbands (or their husbands may get attracted to their sister).
But each one's mentality is different. Now that your hubby has agreed to keep others at bay, do make a good effor to cement the gap. Do try to forget the past, to err is human. You are lucky that your hubby is trying to correct himself. I wish you all luck and that you and your hubby become loving to each other.

roopadadia · Dec 13, 2007

Hi Kavya,

Your name means poetry...so now its in your hand whether you want to write a beautiful & romantic poem or otherwise.

I agree with what Mals has to say..can't forgive a spouse who cheats (like in the case of DRJP, her husband cheated her twice inspite of theirs being a love marriage). But in your case its not cheating but more a case of medical problem playing havoc on the mental state of mind.

A known devil is better than an unknown one. (that is what many of the ladies had to say to kamaji's tricky question). If your husband has really realised his mistake and asking for pardon, do take his extended had and meet him half way and start afresh from where you guys were before the birth of your son.

Try to forget the few months when you were having a bitter time ...don't carry it too far otherwise it will play havoc with your mental as well as physical health. Turn over a new leaf with a positive attitude. I am sure you will succeed.

All the Best
Warm Regards
Roopa.

kavya007 · Dec 13, 2007

Hi Varloo and Roopa,

Thank you very much for your advice. I also want to forgive my husband and move on but some part of me is very hurt that it just wants to hold onto the past. Whenever I get thoughts about the days after my delivery I feel very agitated, angry and then depressed. It almost seems like a panic attack. I want to find some way of de-sensitize these thoughts (i.e) basically not have any reaction to these thoughts. Once I determine the appropriate method to de-sensitize these thoughts my problem will be solved.

One good thing that they did in the old days was that girls were sent to her mothers house during her pregnancy and her delivery. Only your own mother can understand and relate to all the suffering you go through after delivery. I have seen so many of my friends suffer miserably without having anybody to take care of them post delivery. When we are in the US we usually do not go to India for delivery so that the child does not have any visa issues to enter the US. Now I realize that it is the most dumb reason.

Kavya.

BhargaviChakravarthy · Dec 14, 2007

dear kavya,
I am interacting for the first time wit you.I read your entire post and it is indeed so hard a situation.But kavya,remember one thing the difficulties you had,still having are only temporary,it may be even seem irritating to you on hearing these statements.I repeat your words
""He had always taken care of me extremely well throughout my marriage and I found his behavior very hard to accept. I did not get his support and love during the time I needed him the most."""

Just think it over,when all these days he had taken care of you.Suddenly he is rude and felt depressed.what is the root cause of this situation.Because your baby needs immediate attention and it is high time that your baby should be taken care of.So your husband may be little bit tensed,due to the health condition of your baby.But on the end of the day he apologised .So what else more??Actually life is based on compramises and sacrifices which must be realised by every one irrespective of the gender.

To come out of this shell,what should be done?
Let us sort out one by one.Though i am not aged enough to comment on this but i still feel that problems can be solved and helped by any one .

First of all you said that taking medication comes out with side effects ,but i think anti depressants calms your mind,reduces agitation so go ahead and reduce in take of medicine slowly,not at once.All these must be done only on doctor's advice.I again emphasise that all your problems are solvable.

Secondly counselling sessions must help you a little bit if i am not wrong.So attending such sessions atleast should halve your problem.

Take time to calm your husband .Just give a break ,in the mean while your health problems would have reduced.Going step by step ,sorting out the problems,think what is the need of the hour,yes your child should be taken care of.First clear off your tensions,depressions and then come back to your (family) roblem.When you are relaxed and emotionally strong you can easily manage rest of the things .

Though I cannot solve your problem completely,but still believe that it may help a little bit.

take care
All the best.

roopadadia · Dec 14, 2007

Hi Kavya,

You have mentioned as under:

I want to find some way of de-sensitize these thoughts
(i.e) basically not have any reaction to these thoughts. Once I
determine the appropriate method to de-sensitize these thoughts my problem
will be solved.

I would suggest you visit the website EFT Provides Impressive Health and Emotional Freedom--New Discovery Often Works Where Nothing Else

you will also find the list people practising EFT in your area. So either take one sitting from them or just download the manual and follow the instructions. But if there is some past experience which you want to erase then couple of sittings with the practitioner hels a lot.

Try it.

Roopa.

Pragna · Dec 22, 2007

Hi i m pragna i read u r mail and can understand how we go thru the situation when our own hus and il becomes so rude and disgusting i too cant forgive my spouse what he has done or my il these people are not to forgive in our family no one talks with me i and my kids are strangers and i too dont want to make even a call to them who r selfish.i hate like nothing kavya is true why we cant forget and live a happy life i want to show them that i m happy without them with my kids. but i feel depressed many times by thinking of past how they fooled me and make their things right. whenever i pray to god i pray him u have to show these people . bye pragnauote=chocolate;1908
Although ,I dont have a kid yet,I have been in your position. I am married to my husband for 5 yrs. We dont live with our in laws. My husband has been b/n jobs and has mentally and physically abused me a lot. I have even taken legal action against him. After that he is okay and I would say our relationship has improved quite a bit. But I still cant forgive him for all the abuse. I was not the cause of his problems. Not even remotely.But I have helped him by supporting him when he was b/n jobs and money tight. The reward i got was loads of abuse. everybody keeps telling me I should forgive him . BUt I dont have such a big heart. After a point you just cant forgive them. how much ever good they are.Even i do the same,I curse my in laws and him .everybody in his house is an abuser. my in laws justify his behaviour. Now i dont have any relationship with them ,I am just polite when i visit them.
Maybe going on a holiday once in a while helps. I do that with my husband even if its only 2- 3 days. It breaks the rut.Apart from that i feel change of place will help too. Good luck. Post back.[/quote]

kavya007 · Dec 24, 2007

Ladies,

Thank you very much for your kind advice. Over the past few days I have been feeling much better. I made some very good friends through this thread who have been very supportive. I realized that my situation and my feelings are not unique. I just wanted to share with you the strategies I am using in beating my depression. I am hoping that it might help someone out there who is suffering just like me.

1) I followed the bullet wise workout plan that SS (soaring spirit) suggested. When we write down our feelings we get such clarity in our thoughts and actions. If any of you are going through a similar situation I would strongly advise you to take a print out of the workout plan and write down you feelings. (Thanks so much SS for being such a great friend :cheers )

2) I am making an attempt to do regular physical exercise. Whenever I find time I walk 2 miles in a beautiful park very near to my house. I try to do it regularly during the weekends.

3) Anytime I slip into negativity I try to be aware of my body sensations. And I keep repeating to myself that "forgiveness is for me and not for them". I think soaring spirit has written a very beautiful post on forgiveness. That email is like a bible to me. I have a printout of the email and I keep reading it very often.

4) I realized that when you are in depression you need to have a very specific routine and you need to WRITE it down. I used this activity planner from webmd. Depression Recovery: Information on Planning Your Day

5) When you are depressed it is better to avoid reading any kind overly negative news articles and joining any kind of depression mailing lists. Though these mailing lists are for a good purpose when you are depress
sed you are not mentally fit to give advice to other people.

6) I did not find marital counseling to be very helpful. I attended 5 sessions but felt it is not of any good. Probably each persons experience might be very different. But I did not have a positive experience.

7) This winter break I am planning to attend art of living program. I don't know how beneficial it is going to be. But I am hoping to get grounded in some kind of mediation.

Hubby dear has also been extremely supportive. He has been a great father and husband. He has really put up a lot with my blue moods and angry outbursts over the past few months without saying a word. Whenever I got angry he would just say supportive and kind words in return. He has always been extremely perceptive to my mood changes. He always been pushing me to do things that I love and he is the one who motivated me to start physical exercise. I love spending time at book stores. He keeps telling me to go and spend a few hours at my favorite book store and not worry about the home or my child.

When I asked him how he is able to cope up, he told me that meditation is helping him a lot. He has been practicing the pranahuti meditation (www.sriramachandra.org) and he finds it extremely helpful.

Anyway ladies thanks for taking the time to read my post and offering me advice on how to deal with my depression. I have really suffered a lot over the past few months. Depression is like this dark cloud over your mind that refuses to disappear. Though I rationally knew that that was the right thing to do, I did not have a practical way of doing it. I would often slip into these blue moods.

So ladies for those of you who want to get rid of some negativity remember these words:

soaringspirit said: ↑

Know that forgiveness helps us not them. Most of the times,we feel that when we forgive someone we are either bowing down to them or doing them a favor.
I have come to the conclusion that forgiveness helps the person who is suffering the most. Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness or bowing down AT ALL. It is a sign that you are ready to move on and do something about what happened to you.

Once you forgive, you can think about how to handle such a situation in the future, what will be you next course of action and you start noticing the good things around you. Basically forgiveness helps you take control of the situation. Right now all your energy and time has been taken up by the things that happened to you. You don’t have much energy left to “do” something about it. So look at forgiveness in this light.

If you think that it is “for them”” that you are doing it, it will be very hard to forgive. We are humans, we all think about “what is in it for me”. So that’s what is in it for you - control of the future situations. Isn’t that what you’d want? Past is already history.

Click to expand...

Thanks,
Kavya.

SHOBANA · Dec 24, 2007

Hi,

Read urs. I too have been undergoing the same situation as urs. Why dont' you go in for some meditation, which has helped me to calm down a lot. U will be able to think peacefully and remember, u r going to stress your child in all.

Keep trying!

WISHING U ALL A HAPPY AND PROSPEROUS NEW YEAR.

Shobana.