Feel worn out in lif

Kavya, my friend, its time you be little more strong. Your past is a problem, every one has it, more so if we keep living with someone who has pained us, if an outsider does or says something wrong, we forget as that person is not with us, but insider is always with us, to forget and forgive will require lot of efforts, but there is one advantage to insider, the insider has opporunity to make things better and also do good thigns which outsiders wont have, so that way too a person can heal from insiders wrong doings.

Love life is a difficult life, there are many reasons, when we are angry and frustrated we do many things, with kids, parents, spouse.

The car episiode is only ONE, it is past, it never repeated, it did not cause any harm(so no point in saying what if), Your husband may have repented more than you, but how does he prove, he proved by not repeating, he proved by seeking help, he proved by doing yoga and meditation, he showed all willingness, he apologised, asked forgiveness, he mellowed down. All these are signs of improvement

If he is soft hearted like you said, he can cry reading some stories of pain, it shows he is a nice person at heart, nice persons can be angry too. they can be harsh too, but the bottom line is if they are nice they will come around and not be arrogant to not accept their follies. That is the beauty of being nice human... we all err. its human , its natural, life is too big to live a straight life, and what is straight has no definition.

There is a saying, no person can be bad forever who has cried whole heartedly even once...

By sticking to past you cannot change anything, even if you walk out today when things are not bad and your husband is nice and good, you are not going to be fair, by dwelling on thoughts about future worries, you are going to create monsters in mind and become very uncertain .

You will not be happy, you wont keep home happy, you will be on edge, even a small mistake from your husband will throw you off the clif, the reason is weightage of past.

A honest and sensible relationship is the one in which once parties have found a middle ground and things are not repeating, to not bring the past, because if we bring the past even after everything is ok, then there is starting of new doom, the pain, the hurt will come again and also it would mean that partner is actually trying to abuse the other partner by bring in past behavior if the partner has made changes, shows interested, apologises and does not repeat ever .

If your husband asks you this question today, what is that you want from me? what is that will give you confidence in me? what will you answer? is there any answer? I dont think so, because he is already a nice husband now and there is nothing he can do to make things more better isnt it?

Because we are sensitive we get thoughts how can someone love and also hurt us so much.. Again I am repeating , this, I had read in one of the places a counselor wrote " God give me strenght , that I am about to marry someone, and the person may turn out to be the biggest abuser of me ever"

People marry they say they got best person, they are happy, when they seperate they say same person is worst and they can never live together...

Last year a guy in India committed suicide because his wife and mil would not allow him to meet his new born child , they had issues in their marriage and she opted out, but by all means how can a human being not be human, how can they not allow him to see his child, whether they are getting divorced or otherwise...

You are into yoga and meditation which is really good. Also remember when we are into such things we tend to think on meaning of life more deeply, we try to understand everything around, we get sad, we find no meaning in life, we try to become good, do good deeds, be nice to others. seek solace, rightly so.

No one can keep enjoying whole life, its too big just to keep enjoying . Time changes, priorities change, life changes...

To conclude, now you have to make attempt to make your marital life happy because of past you are worried, your husband has done his part, he is not repeating, unless he does that, no point in worrying about future. if you be nice to him he may even be more nice to you. if you are harsh on him due to past, he will not understand that and feel his efforts are of no use, its understandable you remembering the past and getting the feeling how can this person be bad and good too at two different times, the inconsitency in behavior throws us off and leaves us confused in life , so we tend to worry whether this new behavior will ever be permanent or it will change again?

The thing is you cannot do anything, you have to wait and watch and see how things go and decide when things happen, if they ever happen, otherwise you have to be just letting the past go and live a normal life

we all should aim for peace , a life of non violence in home, a life where there is no hatred...in our hearts

 

Thank you TridevBow

Sometimes we dont have to run from hurt...just standup and face it and accept that there are different sides to a coin / human being and that We see both the worst and best

 

Kavya,

Just thought of one more thing. Could any of this be due to your stormy relationship with your father?

 

Tugga, so nice to hear you left Darfur, its hell on earth. I cannot imagine how your husband can even ask you to stay in that lawless land..esp for women it is hell. The stories I read in past cause chill to bones, what kind of world is Darfur?

Anyway good you are back in India, to hell with the job, a person can live without food too for few days but to worry about life and other risks all the time is not worth

You said nicely on marital issues and love and continuity. For others to say give up , this nonsense should end is relatively easy, but for someone whose world is falling apart knows how difficult it is to deal....

You are brave and here is a very nice poem by Swami Vivekanand

Hold on Yet a While, Brave Heart
​

If the sun by the cloud is hidden a bit,
If the welkin shows but gloom,
Still hold on yet a while, brave heart,
The victory is sure to come.

No winter was but summer came behind,
Each hollow crests the wave,
They push each other in light and shade;
Be steady then and brave.

The duties of life are sore indeed,
And its pleasures fleeting, vain,
The goal so shadowy seems and dim,
Yet plod on through the dark, brave heart,
With all thy might and main.

Not a work will be lost, no struggle vain,
Though hopes be blighted, powers gone;
Of thy loins shall come the heirs to all,
Then hold on yet a while, brave soul,
No good is e'er undone.

Though the good and the wise in life are few,
Yet theirs are the reins to lead,
The masses know but late the worth;
Heed none and gently guide.

With thee are those who see afar,
With thee is the Lord of might,
All blessings pour on thee, great soul,
To thee may all come right!​

- Swami Vivekananda

 

Wonderful, inspiring poem!Thanks so much for sharing, Tridev.

I'm just so glad I stumbled upon this poem now, at a time when I was feeling extremely low and dejected for some reason. This poem has totally uplifted my spirit. I'm going to make sure I print it out in bold and hang over my desk. Thanks so much for sharing!

 

Yes, thanks for appreciating it, I too wish to make it a point to read this daily though I dont do it, but it is good to read esp when we are low, it definitely bounces the spirit. it is very powerful

 

Thanks a lot Tridev for this wonderful poem and your wishes. It is really motivating.

Yes, my Darfur phase is gone... Gone forever!!!
I thank God for giving me stregnth and power to help the most unfortunate people in this world.

Also, I would like to move on from my past and want to start a new life from now on. This new life is really interesting and I somehow managed to control my own life for now.

 

Kavya,

May be your husband was also very worried about you during your pregnancy. Sometimes Indian men cannot take all this pregnancy stress. And since yours was a high risk pregnancy, I would say he must have been equally under pressure.
My DH is very short tempered though otherwise nice/not controlling in other things. But during my post partum phase my husband's behaviour was the weirdest in my entire married life. I was away from him for a long time as I was with my parents in India. When I came back I could not digest his behaviour as I thought he would be more caring towards me. Infact my parents attitude in somethings also disheartened me and I also froze like you internally even towards my parents for some days. I felt betrayed by all of them. Since they always did pamper me, may be my expectations also were high. But somehow I could come out of it by fighting back and cutting down my emotional dependency for some time. Later I got back to normal without my even noticing when.

I think the high risk pregnancy and the indifferent attitudes of your parents and DH took their toll on you. But remember most Indian men are not good at handling family cricis like this. Your DH also might have been feeling overwhelmed with the responsibility on his shoulders.

Take a nice long break. Go for vacations . Dont go to any relatives/ family . Try to bond together again. May be the bitterness inside you will slowly reduce.

 

Kavya,
Hugs girl!!!


Cheers,
drjp