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You See What You Want To See

Discussion in 'Snippets of Life (Non-Fiction)' started by SGBV, Oct 17, 2019.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    Your thoughts shape your vision. You see what you chose to see, because all perception is a choice.

    I have always had a feeling that I was good for nothing. My style, my tone, my thought process, my abilities etc..etc... have been always criticized by my mother. She did that of course with a good intention to change me for good.

    She was so worried about my carelessness and often reminded me how it's important to be mindful about every one, everything that concerns our life.
    Like what to wear, how to sit, how to speak etc..etc... because she worried about society's acceptance.

    She also had concerns about me being stubborn, and raising my voice against men/elders at home. A stubborn girl never had a good name in her family. It is criticized as "vayaadi"

    She was confused about my dressing and choice of life style, since she felt I was a no-female material. Of course I did not worry about going out or burn my skin under the sun... I did not dare to travel alone or speak out when injustice happened. I did not show any interest in cooking or house keeping or even watching soaps like other women in my family.
    Rather, my interests were on politics, cricket and I always had a set of male friends to discuss all these in detail.
    So, she was right according to what she knew. All her worries were reasonable for a mother like her.
    At that age, I didn't know what was right. I was confused. Since I trusted mom the most, I too believed that I was not good as others (like my sister or cousin or girl friends); hence my mom was right.

    I even tried hard to change myself, and failed miserably. I was forced to accept my mistakes, which I never thought as mistakes. I was asked to seek forgiveness for none of my faults from others who mistook me.
    At some points, it has created a huge identity crisis in me, because I was not the real me.

    In my twenties, my university friends were amazed at who I was. They often say they wish they were me, or they wish they were allowed to be me at least once in their life.
    I could not understand what was special in me for them to have such wishes. I always thought their visions were blurred because the real me was covered with my family's wealth & fame. I never thought that they knew me enough.

    My self realization happened only when I entered the job market. That too when I chose to work for the development sector against all the odds. I had to take a huge step along with my family's disagreement to move in here.
    Again the same amount of criticism, uncertainty, confusions.... but I chose to follow my instincts.

    Here I met a complete different sets of people. All are well educated, exposed, matured and from different countries.
    They saw me differently...
    The same qualities, the same life style, the same person in me was looked differently by a different set of people.

    My carelessness was treated as a gift. My ex boss used always praise me for having a "never-mind" attitude when it comes to taking criticism or complaints that are gender specific. You know, when the society can not kill your dreams, they assassinate your character.
    Worrying won't help because it is not about you, but about them.

    My stubborn character has been positively accepted as being assertive. I had a huge fan following in the team for being able to raise my concerns for myself or for the team.
    I am not someone who sit at the table and have no voice. I always raise my voice and make sure it is heard.
    If my voice is not heard, I don't continue to sit at the table as voiceless. Rather I would create my own table, and approach people who are ready listen. The world is yours, not someone else's.
    And that is something not criticized here at my work place.

    Finally the last but not the least... no one ever comments on my individuality for being who I am now. Yes, I don't dare to go out, travel, speak out, raise my concerns before others no matter who are they, or even have different sets on interest usually women don't like. So what, I am unique, and my uniqueness is accepted here.
    I have a huge set of friends, including women who are like me. Who think out of the box and share different ideas instead of following the norms blindly.
    Being with them motivates me, makes me be creative and successful in so many ways than being with my birth family that criticize my fundamental identity.

    I still don't blame my birth family for the criticism. Above everything else, it was their love that made them criticize my nature. All they wanted was to change me, so that they believed i would do well.
    It is their ignorance.

    But I am glad that I made my family elsewhere, and am allowed to be myself all the time.
    My husband, my kids, my friends, my colleagues, my acquaintance, my work mates etc..etc... do appreciate me for who I am and that's what important to me.

    It is the same me... same quality, same presentation.... but I have been looked at differently by two different sets of people.
    It is because people see what they want to see. They chose their measurements from the scale they have, and their perception is their choice.

    Just because someone doesn't like your style or choice or whatever... doesn't mean you are wrong. It is their perception only.
    You have no control over what they think or what they want.
    Be yourself, and never lose your identity.
    There will be people who would like the way who you are. Make them as your people, and move on in life.
     
    Anusha2917, Giri12, hridhaya and 14 others like this.
  2. jayasala42

    jayasala42 Finest Post Winner

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    Very nicely presented madam!The same traits when viewed with different lenses create an altogether different impression.In many Tanjore temples there are paintings /sculptures, an elephant and bull facing each other. Bodies are different but there is a single face that fits to both elephant and bull.If you look from the side of elephant the face will look exactly that of elephant with tusks etc.From the side of the bull, it exactly looks like bull with horns etc.
    our Perception About the Person Around us matters , a lot.

    Wrong perceptions, prejudiced ideas and preformed notions result in heated debates and arguments and the congenial atmosphere is lost.

    Anger is the first and foremost reason built out of wrong perceptions,behind any impulsive reaction and next comes Ego.

    If we try to listen to others' views with patience, concentration and full acceptance, though you may totally disagree with their views,there will be a definite change in our attitude and traits.
    A small story in this connection

    A newly wedded couple occupied the first floor of a house.one day the wife looked thro the window & saw a woman drying her clothes in the opposite house.
    The wife remarked," those clothes are very dirty. Such a big woman doesn't know even to wash her clothes."The husband also looked,but kept quiet.
    Daily this remark continued.
    After a month ,oneday as usual the wife looked thro the window but surprised to see that the clothes were very clean.She asked her husband whether he had told anything to the woman.
    The husband silently replied"today I wiped the glass panes of our window".He added calmly
    "How we see others mostly depend on the purity of our mind, the mirror.Correct yourself before blaming others."'

    jayasala42



    .
     
  3. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    Thanks ma'am

    Your reply is a value addition. Loved the way how you brought this Tanjavoor paintings to add meaning to my thoughts.

    And thanks a million for nominating my thread for the finest post contest.
     
  4. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    @SGBV,

    I always enjoy reading expressive threads particularly when it is different from usual posts. I believe good human personality is like a soap and the good smell is going to show up even if one keeps silent in a group setting. I always enjoy reading about the strength and courage a woman expresses be it at home to face the hostility or when facing professional challenges.

    I am not sure I would define it as a stubborn personality. Sticking to one's one conviction is needed but when there is a reasonable doubt, one should be willing to change. That comes with a wonderful listening quality. Change is part of life and we are all human beings constantly evolving. Stubborn is defined in the dictionary as "having or showing dogged determination not to change one's attitude or position on something, especially in spite of good arguments or reasons to do so".

    In an interdependent world, verifying and validating our conviction by listening to those who live around us is essential for peaceful coexistence. In fact, that is how the quality of life becomes better. We can't demonstrate a quality that we won't accept from our own kith and kin.
     
    Giri12 and SGBV like this.
  5. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    @Viswamitra sir,

    Thanks a lot for your valuable inputs.
    Change is inevitable in human life, specially in this evolving world.
    But expecting someone to change their fundamental quality is no different from changing identity.
    It is never easy.

    I know how hard it was when i was expected to behave as a complete different person, just because my kith and kin had difficulties in accepting me as who i was before.
    Hence i changed and had a lot of identity crisis back then.

    Then came the realization.

    They hated my nature because it was a reflection of what they thought and not what i was.
    My mom thinks if a woman talks against the decision of her family, she.must be a bad woman.
    But that's not what it is.
    When there is injustice, regardless of age or gender a person should be able to raise her concerns.
    Now finding a middle ground is what needed to maintain relationships.
    But happiness comes when a person is allowed to be himself/herself and is appreciated for who he/she is.
    JMO
     
  6. HariLakhera

    HariLakhera Platinum IL'ite

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    It is always difficult to self assess as a teenager. Parents may not be knowing everything about their children but they are concerned about them nevertheless. I have experienced that most talkative and so called obstinate children turn into very considerate and hardworking when they face the real life. On the contrary, obedient and quite children do not necessarily make big in life.
    It is always better to make every possible effort to understand oneself. It is the toughest job. And tougher than that is explaining to people who care. We are are responsible for our actions and behavior.
    At job, if the boss does not like, he has the option of firing. At home it is different.
     
    SGBV likes this.
  7. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    @HariLakhera thanks for your feed back.

    It is true that we can fire the staff who doesn't sync with what you think/talk.
    But, it is not the case at home when family is involved.

    Yesterday I've met two of my extended relative families to give invitation for an opening ceremony.
    Both are into agriculture.
    One is a farmer & the other does salt harvesting.
    Just before i went there, there was a TV announcement from the MET dept, about the possibility of a heavy rain in town.

    The news read as below :

    There is a possibility of heavy rain in PX region from midnight today.

    The paddy farmer said, " oh come rain.. I know it will rain. I trust XXX TV news. They are always right.
    Look there are dark clouds, and it is gonna rain.

    When i was at the Salt person's place, he was like... ',nope.. These bluffing TV. It never rained whenever they predicted it. Who believes our MET dept.
    It will never rain it seems, because there is strong wind and it can chase the rain away.

    The news is same. But the perception is different.
    The farmer wanted to hear about rain ; hence he took that prediction favourably.
    The Salt man hated rain because he doesn't want to lose his salts.
    Therefore, he chose to disbelieve the weather forecast and spoke in that line.

    Bcz you see what you want to see!
     
  8. HariLakhera

    HariLakhera Platinum IL'ite

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    I beg to differ. We may want to see this way or that way but always know that we may not see what we want to see. That is the truth. It will be naive to think that we will see what we want to see. We have to be prepared for the eventualities.
    For example I always carry my wallet with me when I go out of my house, say for my early morning walk. I know I have no plan to buy, no plan to donate and in fact no need to carry my wallet, but I still carry. Anything may happen that may need money handy. This is simple strategy.
    There is phrase very popular these days- Plan B. We always want to succeed and do our best to succeed but it is always better to have a Plan B.

    This is so in the families also. There is old saying in Hindi- bartan hain to khanke bhi- (utensils do make a noise). Every possible effort is made to accommodate every member. Showing the door is the last option. The very concept of joint families was based on 'according to capacity and according to need.' The capable members earned and the the young and old were taken care of. It will be difficult to understand this in present day nuclear family environs.
    You might have heard 'those who eat together, stay together'. It is told that in Industrialist Birla family, all male members, if town, were expected to come to the dining table for their dinner. The servants were strictly told not to serve after dinner hours and never to serve in the bed rooms.
    In home or office, it is he team work that succeeds. Accomodation, compromises, respect for others point of view, agreeing to disagree and staying united matters.
    Please do not mind my lengthy feedback.
     
  9. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    @HariLakhera

    I liked everything that you have mentioned above. Yours are very valid points.
    However, I am not sure how relevant they are to my OP & the discussion above.

    People compromise, sacrifice and do a lot, so that they could accommodate others into their life, or in some cases this is the strategy to be able to fit into someone's else's life.
    That's a different issue.
    Like my mom lives with me happily despite of the differences we have. The differences are our perceptions about how we see the world, and nothing about each other.

    I am a positive thinker. I have a best buddy who is a negative thinker. We complement each other as great friends.
    We see the world very differently. I find an opportunity in every obstacle I face and she finds an obstacle in every opportunity she gets.
    But we are together, and it takes loads of adjustment to be together.
    Nevertheless, we have not changed the way we see the world, because we see what we want to see!
     
    shreepriya likes this.
  10. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 IL Hall of Fame

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    :thumbup:

    The moment I see @SGBV in any thread I get a picture of confident women in my mind. And that is what your post describes too..
    To be confident in what we do - that's my takeaway from this thread.
     
    SGBV likes this.

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