Worried About Sis

Sapna56 · Oct 13, 2016

hi friends
In oct 5 I posted regarding my sisters situation. The boy is asking for dowry for marriage. It's second marriage for both of them. My parents and others are not convinced with the match. But sis wants this marriage to happen. We explained her and she didn't listen. My parents then called the boy and his parents to talk and see if things work. My dad said that he is ready to help him financially but after marriage. But the boy and his parents were very adamant. Boy said that he will need that amount of money 7 days before marriage. He was very firm on his decision to which my parents didn't agree. He then left home angrily. He dated my sis for a year. He didn't ask money for few months and then when they both were deeply involved he started begging for money.
My sis can't see anything beyond her marriage with him. She tells dad to give that money and agree his conditions so that she ll get married. My dad is refusing and also explaining her in anger. We told dad to take easy. Next day after this happened, my dad called that boy and warned him not to date my sis. He told him that he will complaint to police regarding dowry if he dates. The boy is now scared. But my sis is not happy with all this. She wanted this relationship to work and so was asking my dad to give money. Boy wants money. Marriage is secondary for him. In all this mess I am only worried about how will my sis deal with this. She's emotionally shattered. I am worried how will she handle this break up. If boy was good person he would have married without money. My dad is short tempered person. My dad is yelling at my sis when she tells my dad to make it work. She is crying for her break up. I am feeling very sad for her. I am also worried that she may hurt herself.
Also in all this, I feel my dad also did some mistake. When things were going good, and when the boy didn't show his true colors, my dad told him secretly that he would help him to pay some down payment for his new flat. My dad should have not done that st first place. The boy then became greedy. He then showed his true colors. When he met for first time he was just divorced and was so despo that he was ready to marry my sis next day also without any expectations.

Rihana · Oct 14, 2016

Does your sister work? Any colleagues or friends who can reason with her? She needs to realize that giving money before marriage is risky. It is better if that promised help from your dad comes after 6-9 months, and goes towards an apartment bought with proper names in ownership.

You cannot solve the situation. You can offer a willing ear, and some empathy. In such cases, it is hard to reason with the person. Your sister is desperate to get married, and that frame of mind is very blinding for logic. A carefully balanced dispensation of tough love is needed. Your worries are understandable, but try to distance yourself a little bit mentally from it, so you can be the objective party.

chocolate · Oct 14, 2016

Op, Your sister escaped clutches of a money minded husband. Your dad told that fellow about money in secret only brought out his inborn greed. In a way your dad insured your sister's future not spoiling doing this.

Time heals everything. This relationship was nothing to begin with without engagement or marriage date being settled. Leave your sister alone. Don't talk about this matter to her or you can tell your parents not to indulge in conversations about this with your sister come what may. Slowly without anybody to listen to or talk to she will heal herself. In the meantime, insure that guy never comes in contact with her at work or at home. Involve her friends to keep an eye on her. Her colleagues and your parents.

If she was divorced an yr ago and she is involved with this guy from an yr she never got time to heal from her earlier marriage. No wonder she wanted to marry the first guy who showed interest. Give her time to heal for this too.

Next time, take it to her when parents have done thorough background checks. From neighbours, colleagues, relatives . Do it extensively and once convinced bring her into picture. Good Luck.

yellowmango · Oct 15, 2016

Op....let your sister know that she can marry that greedy guy in the court if they love each other .Let her convince the guy to marry without money. Your dad got her married once and did his bit.She cannot expect your father to pay what she wants for getting her married again.

Second option is to tell her to earn and save for her marriage and her boy friends greed.Let her do that.Then she will know how hard parents have to earn to get children married.

Sapna56 · Oct 18, 2016

Finally sis realized that he is a bad guy behind money. He can't see anything beyond money. Till then she was thinking that he is a good person and ready to marry at any cost. But I am sure something made her realize that he only wanted to marry for money. She then became ready to file police complaint against him for dowry and harassing her. He was then called by police. She wanted to teach him a lesson so we filed a police complaint. He was crying at the police station. I hope such people should be made realize their bad karma.

Lakshmi6197 · Oct 18, 2016

Sapna56 said: ↑

Finally sis realized that he is a bad guy behind money. He can't see anything beyond money. Till then she was thinking that he is a good person and ready to marry at any cost. But I am sure something made her realize that he only wanted to marry for money. She then became ready to file police complaint against him for dowry and harassing her. He was then called by police. She wanted to teach him a lesson so we filed a police complaint. He was crying at the police station. I hope such people should be made realize their bad karma.
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I am happy that your sister's life is saved. Thats most important. Please have a discussion in your family about her. Give her some time to grieve and heal. Let get her self confidence back. Rebound relationships are usually messy. Generally let her have a schedule, some friends, some happiness - shopping, movies, dinners, spa treatment etc. I am sure she has a happy life ahead for her. Cheers

lalsang123 · Oct 18, 2016

To prevent her from becoming depressed after witnessing all these you can take her for a counseling.. Through this she will gain some confidence and can start her life afresh.. She can even try for a job and once she starts becoming independent her confidence will increase much more. Once she finds a job, she can also make new and reliable friends. she can slowly forget her past and finally be happy and start planning her future.

Sparkle · Oct 19, 2016

Sapna56 said: ↑

hi friends
In oct 5 I posted regarding my sisters situation. The boy is asking for dowry for marriage. It's second marriage for both of them. My parents and others are not convinced with the match. But sis wants this marriage to happen. We explained her and she didn't listen. My parents then called the boy and his parents to talk and see if things work. My dad said that he is ready to help him financially but after marriage. But the boy and his parents were very adamant. Boy said that he will need that amount of money 7 days before marriage. He was very firm on his decision to which my parents didn't agree. He then left home angrily. He dated my sis for a year. He didn't ask money for few months and then when they both were deeply involved he started begging for money.
My sis can't see anything beyond her marriage with him. She tells dad to give that money and agree his conditions so that she ll get married. My dad is refusing and also explaining her in anger. We told dad to take easy. Next day after this happened, my dad called that boy and warned him not to date my sis. He told him that he will complaint to police regarding dowry if he dates. The boy is now scared. But my sis is not happy with all this. She wanted this relationship to work and so was asking my dad to give money. Boy wants money. Marriage is secondary for him. In all this mess I am only worried about how will my sis deal with this. She's emotionally shattered. I am worried how will she handle this break up. If boy was good person he would have married without money. My dad is short tempered person. My dad is yelling at my sis when she tells my dad to make it work. She is crying for her break up. I am feeling very sad for her. I am also worried that she may hurt herself.
Also in all this, I feel my dad also did some mistake. When things were going good, and when the boy didn't show his true colors, my dad told him secretly that he would help him to pay some down payment for his new flat. My dad should have not done that st first place. The boy then became greedy. He then showed his true colors. When he met for first time he was just divorced and was so despo that he was ready to marry my sis next day also without any expectations.
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Dear Sapna,

I am sorry for your situation. I read your previous thread. I have not read all the responses here yet.

Parents have to put a stubborn foot-down with children at times. I do not think your father did a mistake. Since this will be your sister's second marriage, his expectations would be towards everything to go perfectly for her this time. Because of this and may be because the guy managed to gain a good name for a short time, your father offered to help financially.
It is good that this happened. What if he kept a good face now and then demanded money after marriage? It would be tougher to handle then.

About your sister, is she working? She is definitely hurt but she has to come out of this. As a family sit together once and explain to her that she cannot marry this person. Let her argue or demand as much as she wants, just say it and move on. When you move on as a family from this situation, she will have no option except to move on. I also think she needs to grow up a bit and be secure/self-sufficient. Time will only heal her feelings and help her come out.

Dismiss the topic of marriage for some more time and encourage her to do something else that interests her. Be with her, listen to her, but do not try to debate or explain anything to her.

UPDATED:
Sapna,
I also think your sister hasn't found 'herself' yet. Maybe she never had the chance or time to do so. This would be an appropriate time to do so instead of rushing into marriage.

Also, if she acts out, let her for few days or even a month. Crying/yelling/screaming is a way of releasing the emotions, its better than keeping them shut.