Wife's Weird Behavior

Hi everyone,

I have been married for 6 years now and have two beautiful kids (4-year-old daughter and a 6-month-old son). I am a mallu born and raised in Chennai, she is an Andhrite born and raised in the New Delhi and Rajasthan (her father was in IAF). I am Hindu and she is a muslim. Yes, ours was a love marriage - Bombay style. Married life was smooth (if we ignore the normal ups and downs) until she got pregnant with our son (Diwali 2015).

There has been numerous times where she would shout and insult me in public, but I would take it casually and apologize for everything. Thinking it was her hormonal changes due to pregnancy, I wouldn't care. Being an inter-religion marriage, no one from either of the family supports us (financially or physically: to help her during the pregnancy). Even when the mistake was on her part, I would apologize (I proposed her to marry me).

Slowly, her tantrums started growing with the birth of our son. Flashback: When our daughter was born back in Jan '13, I single-handedly took care of her. From feeding her, helping her walk, cleaning her bleeding to changing her pads to bathing her, dressing her up. Even the nurses and doctors were surprised that not a single relative or friend turned up, and how beautifully we managed everything. And the same was the case with the second one. This time I had a challenge: we had 3.5-year-old girl too in the room. Yes, she too stayed in the hospital for the 5 days my wife was admitted for the C-section. On the day we were to get discharged, my wife requested me to clean her up. I was ready and up when the admin folks come up and ask me to settle the bill and prepare to vacate the room. I head to pay the bill only to return after two hours (there were quite a few people who were getting discharged and paying the bills and the POS machine was not working properly). By the time I get back to room with the bills and discharge summary, my wife had bathed by herself. And she blamed me that I intentionally ran away from helping her. That I had match-fixed with the hospital admin team to knock the door and get me out.

Here are some of her tantrums: Scenario: we go out as a family (eating out, doc visit, vaccination). She, out of the blue, gets angry on a silly thing (I say something good about anyone, but her). The car stops at a traffic signal, she opens the door and walks out with the kids. In another case, she forces me to stop the car near a bus stop (where there are people) make me do uthak-bhaitak (thopukaranam in tamil) so that people see or blackmail me that she will get out with the kids and not return home. I do it without any shame as those people who are watching are unknown. I have denied only in one case where one person started shooting a video of me in the act. In other case, she forces me to give gali to my mom and sister. All these bullets I have swallowed somehow. But what happened on Jan 5th was like nailing the coffin: it was the first time she did that.

Jan 5th happened to be my daughter's 4th birthday. I took a day off from work and we had plans to have a buffet lunch and spend the evening at a mall where we could let the girl enjoy all games. The plan was to start by 11am, but the wife gets ready only by 2:30pm and we leave by 3pm. By the time we reach the restaurant (5pm), it is closed (obviously). She blames me for the having shut the restaurant (yes, she says I had talked to the restaurant folks and asked them to shut down).

We then proceed to another restaurant (Wang's Kitchen) and she orders food for the herself and the girl. She tells me that I should not have food for the rest of the day as it was me who ordered Mainland China to down their shutter when we arrive. With no option left, I had to accept the punishment (was eager to take my girl to the mall and let her enjoy her day). Then it happened: we were on the car heading to the Mall and I was driving in the thick traffic. Suddenly, she starts hitting with her chappal. My wife sits in the rear-left seat. It didn't end there; she tears my shirt badly and orders me that I have to roam the mall with the torn shirt. My little girl was watching all this and even that little one knew who was at fault and shouts at her mom: "Mommy, say sorry to daddy". The little girl was helping hold the torn strips together and we head to the mall.

I carried my son so that I could use his towel to hide my exposed chest and with the girl in tow. My wife heads to Life Style, Max, Big Bazar and buys clothes for herself and the kids. I requested for a new shirt/t-shirt, but the request is turned down. You may wonder when I am the only earning member in the family, I could have bought one on my own. But the fact is I gave the wife the job of handling the finances long back. so all the cards and cash was in her possession. The most embarrassing part: I was walking in the mall carrying my son. A few young women come in the opposite direction. My wife comes from behind and takes off the towel that I was using to hide my torn dress and humiliates me in front of them. I didn't care as those women were unknown to me.

We head to the food court next. My wife orders food for herself, while I take my daughter to the play area and make my son watch his sister play. We come back after 30 mins and see that my wife has ordered so much food items (Rs 550) but more than 75% of the food not consumed. Seeing us coming, she pours water on the food to ensure that I do not eat anything. However, she had ordered Idly for my daughter separately. She my daughter is having her dinner, she orders the girl to say: "My daddy is b@$t@rd". The little girl says 'no' each time the mother asks her to recite it. This drives me nuts; why this humiliation and disrespect. Controlling my anger, we get out of the mall.

The next one hour is full silent in the car. There were a lot of things going on in my mind wondering why is she doing all these. I drop them all home, pack my bags and leave.

I moved out of the house and have been staying in a PG near my office ever since. I summoned her father to my home. After a lot of reluctance, he comes one day. I leave the father and daughter to discuss the problem without my presence. He calls me up the next day and asks me to drop him off at the bus stop. When leaving he says not to take her serious and that his daughter is still immature and forget everything (yes, she is not regretting for anything). Immature when she is 30 and is a mother of two?

I don't know what is wrong with her: I have given her whatever she wants, not made her go to work, bought her a house, a car, two beautiful kids, and things that even her father didn't get her. I have been working like a donkey to pay the EMIs and make sure my little family don't suffer.

I want to take her to a psychiatrist, but she is not in any mood to come. My routine has become: wake up early and head to the bathroom before the other 4 room-mates wake up, head home to get my daughter ready for her school, drop her at school, head to office, pick her up in the afternoon, drop her home, head back to office, and then end the day at the PG.

And weekends are the worst: I sit at office the whole day all alone just to kill time. All I have told my roommates is that my work requires me to work late in the evenings and I don't want my wife to stay awake until I reach home. And hence the PG option for a couple of months.

I know I am not handing the situation as it should be. Any help is welcome. All I want is my wife should should treat me with respect (I am her husband and 5 years older to her). I am sure no woman would insult her husband to this level and not regret for it.

 

@madras2018 and @anika987: Thanks for your suggestions.

Why is she frustrated?
This could be: She does not speak to her dad or her two sisters, while I talk to my mom everyday. Ever since my dad's death in 2015, my mom moved out of our Kerala house to Bangalore to stay with my sister. And I make it a point to call her everyday and visit her every month.

Is she working?
She is a homemaker and one thing she clearly mentioned when we were dating was that she will never work post marriage. Which I agreed to.

Is she jealous on someone for something?
She has a jealousy feeling towards my sister. Two months before our marriage, I took a 5-lac loan and transferred to my sister (my share towards her marriage expense) and paid the EMIs for 4 years. Unfortunately, my sister didnt marry (still has not) and used the money as down-payment to purchase a house in Kerala (she pays the EMI on her own). This didnt go well with my wife.

Is she having a rift with her friends?
My wife does not talk to any of the neighbors nor has any friends (she does not even make a call to her two sisters!). Her only interaction is with the kids. One thing irony is that she does not use a phone number (since she got pregnant with #2). The only way she can reach me in an emergency is via email (her smartphone does not have a sim but has wifi). I would have loved had she maintained some friends; atleast I could have got my feedback from them.

Is she having some expectations?
A lot of them...

• I should not talk to her family members (I have a good rapport with her sisters and dad. They have a high regard for me, than her. This irks her).
• I should not commit to any financial help to anyone.
• I should not talk to any of the neighbors (she feels that all neighbors are spying and planning against her).
• I should not maintain any friends other than my office colleagues.
• I should not be on social media (she doesnt know I am on WhatsApp, FB, and Twitter).

I am seriously concerned about the future of the kids. The little girl is no more little and knows what is happening around. And the boy is still being breast-fed. I feel she is at peace when she is with the kids. But what worries is that they stay indoors all the time. The only time my daughter gets out of the gate is for her school, or while going out. No friends or outdoor play.

Back in Sep '16, I had to travel to SFO for 2 weeks on an important assignment. I proposed to get my mom or a maid to help her out. But she rejected my proposals and said she could manage. Somehow, she single-handedly managed the kids (son was just 3 months then) and ran the house. But those two weeks were dreadful for me as she did not respond to any of my emails until the day I was starting back.

When I talk to her father or sisters, they say it could that her mom's genes would have passed on to her. Her mom is a mentally-retarded person. I seriously wish that this is not the case. They tell me that since she is managing the two kids on her own, not to take her talk and actions seriously.

Consulting a marriage counsellor is a good option. I will give a try and check if she is ready to meet one. I am checking for a list of counsellors in Chennai.