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why these husbands are so insensitive and mean

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sayonara, Jan 22, 2011.

  1. sayonara

    sayonara New IL'ite

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    I am very upset for last 3-4 days because of my husband's behaviour.
    It was my daughter's B'day and my sister along with his kids came to my place for celebration.my hubby although went to station to receive them but didnt behave (talk or show much involvement) properly.
    His behaviour was like --not allowing kids to touch his PC ,shouting at them, not showing basic etiquettes etc.
    I am very much hurted, but he doesn't care.now they have left but I am feeling very sad and not talking to him.
    He is not affected by that and not even asking me anything.
    Because he knows after few days I will be OK and there is no need to make any effort to make thing normal.
    Why these hubby never understand us.
    What am I suppose to do now?
    The post of Shanti--"Golden rules for every woman" bring tears to my eyes.It is soooooooooooo true.
    But I have one question ---After going through all these situations does your love for ur hubby remains same , or u r just passing ur life with him for the sake of living .
     
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  2. satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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    did u tell ur husband how hurt u were? does he always behave like this or was this a one off episode? if so, why did he behave like this? did u ask him?

    as for one's love for the husband, i don't think it vanishes anywhere. you may feel temporarily hurt, but i am sure if ur dh is in trouble u would still run to his aid, or if anyone else said something bad about him, u would not like that either. that is only u still love him.
     
  3. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Sayanora
    Sorry about what you are going through. But see... man /woman is basically resistant to change. We tend to do things or behave in a way that we have always been doing If ur husband has always been this way and he knows that after a while things are back to normal he has no incentive to change. To bring about a change in him ..he needs to realize that there are rewards at the end of good behavior and consequences of bad behavior. Simple.
    Please change the "Things get back to normal after some time routine".
    Whenever he disrespects u/ur family tell him calmly what u found hard to take. With examples..Listen to what he has to say.Sometimes they might do things without realizing they are actually hurting u. First try positive reinforcement..like look for times when he does make u happy or treats ur family right..then give him a big smile/hug ..tell him how he made ur day . Men are little boys sometimes..praising them goes a long way . Along the same lines show him that u are unhappy when he doesn't treat u right. Dont shout or yell but dont ignore. When he sees the difference he will have more incentive to change.
    For example when he picked up ur sis from the station dont just treat it as normal..give him a big smile..thank him and when he didnt treat ur sis right..go tell him "Dont do that they are our guests." HE needs to see the difference ..hot cold..no diff no change.

    Yes love for spouses changes after we go through so much with them. In strong ones like a metal subjected to fire and heat it comes out stronger and shiner and in weaker ones it falls apart. I wish u luck.
     
  4. tashidelek2002

    tashidelek2002 IL Hall of Fame

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    I'd be irritated if a bunch of kids descended into my house and started screwing around with my computer and everyone else just stood by and thought it was fine.
     
  5. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    Agreed Tina. One need not yell at the kids, since kids are kids, but the parents of the kids need to tell them not to mess with the things in the house they are visiting. If its their house/laptop, then thats upto them. But parents need to show some decent respect by monitoring the kids when they are visiting.
     
  6. indianguy2010

    indianguy2010 New IL'ite

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    Hi Sayanora,

    One point I would like to stress (from a man's point of view) is...................sometimes, we men, have difficulty in figuring out why our wives are upset. Sometimes, we men, assume, that the reason why our wives are upset may not be related to us(hubbies) and just leave the issue.

    But the wife, keeps expecting that the hubby finds out that she is hurt, by her body language, comes to her, and takes the initiative of asking her, the reasons for the upset.

    But, in most cases, the above does not happen. Becasue, a number of husbands (including me) are very poor mind readers..!

    You have to take at least one effort to tell him directlly that you are hurt due to his particular action / behaviours. Then only, he will understand that he is the reason for your upset.

    Then, let him either give his defence version............or apologise to you, according to what he perceives it. But, before that you have to tell him that you are hurt. Expecting him , that he should guess it, may not work with most men.

    Then, you will call the men, as "emotionally dead people", even before giving him one oppurtunity by a direct talk to him. This is unfair.
     
    Last edited: Jan 23, 2011
  7. libra4164

    libra4164 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Indianguy,
    Let me not miss this opportunity of thanking you for always enlightening us ladies, by giving 'a guy's point of view.' Trust me some of your tips are real eye openers. Keep up the Good work!
     
  8. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Me tooo:spin

    I wanted to say this to OP, what is the problem in this entire thing that she is feeling???
    He did go and pick up her sister and kids right? is the problem about not letting the kids behave as they wanted to? or is the problem about the husband not mingling well with OPs sister?

    Basically what is the expectation here? If kids just run around and jump around anyone will get annoyed and that too isnnt it the parents duty to teach kids some discipline as to how they have to behave when they visit others houses? and if your husband had to shout, why did that happen? why were you not in the picture and having a control over the kids?
    Agreed they are your sisters kids but that doesnt mean that you will play blind to thier indiscipline right??

    I think even to talk to your husband about your hurt feelings, first you have to apologize to him and tell him sorry for how the kids were out of control and then talk about your expectations on his behaviour. He shouldnt have to step in, if you had taken over control of the kids and showed them the line or rules of the house.
     
  9. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    Kids are kids and I guess I know what OP is describing here when she said her husband was rude and not loving to her sisters kids. It is not that kids were unruly and he was like that. He basically is like that(Insensitive, rude,arrogant), even if they were behaving nicely he might have behaved as he behaved,not caring for their feelings.

    Kids cannot be under some kind of mafia rule at home , unless they are damaging property or are really messy, then one can ask them for time out. But it is only OP who can undersand the body language, the expression, the hurt, the words used in anger etc that hurts people in relations..

    OP has already described what has happened, it is no point she asking sorry to her husband for her sisters kids behavior which may not even be the reason to ask for sorry. If at all her sister kids were misbehaving knowing the sensitivity of relations, one needs to be rather more careful and request his wife or her sister that can they manage. I am sure most fo the mothers or wives will understand that something is not right and needs to be taken care of if they also see.

    But not showing basic etiquette, screaming at kids, is insult..

    OP, you cannot do anything, yes you becoming normal is taken for granted. Some people dont want to make up , even if he knows you are upset his ego may not allow him to approach you, because people who know they have wronged find very hard to make up or apologize esp if they have lot of ego.. And apology should not come after lot of days or time. If a person cannot see he or she has hurt someone, how can he or she apologize..

    It is our fate we get in such relationship. There are no easy answers.. Sometimes we have to suck it up as much as we can , till we can....
     
    Last edited: Jan 23, 2011
  10. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    So your husband was just shouting at them for NO reason? Somehow, that doesn't make sense.

    I'm with the others who said, I wouldn't want some kids coming to my house and messing with my stuff either. When you say he didn't like them around his PC, why couldn't you have stepped in and got the kids under control, rather than let it get to the point where he was having to yell? Probably your sister should have done a better job at watching her kids, and this tiff between you and your husband wouldn't have happened.

    Your husband isn't a mind reader, so explain to him why you are feeling sad.
     

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