Why People Who Behave So Friendly Act Like Stranger Next Time.

paru123 · Feb 4, 2017

A friend, on first day keeps chatting with me asking about how my day is going, etc etc, exchanging jokess, basically both having a good time with meaningful discussions etc. Then next day she will be unavailable for chat or discussions. Even if online won't chat with me. Third day adding pictures of her kid receiving an award in a competition as her display picture and then trying to initiate a chat or discussion. I am happy that her kid got prize but sad and angry on the fact that she did not inform about it on the first or second day though she wasted mine and her time chatting many things which are irrelevant in front of this.

This has happened many times before. I avoid talking to her but after some days I forget and again have chats with her. She has a good humour sense, smart, very positive, organised and disciplined.

How to react to such a behaviour. Once you are out of school college it's difficult to get good friends. So I just ignore her behaviour. Is she using me to pass her time or she finds me irrelevant or unimportant to not share about her kids programme. If asked why, she won't answer properly and won't be available to chat. Then after few days she will again come up with a new interesting topic and I forget till something of this kind happens another time.

I have known her for 8 years and after getting irritated with these kind of stuff have blocked her many times. But she would catch up with me. She then would come up with something new and since I like her, I ignore her past behaviour and again enjoy spending time with her.

Any advise to keep her or block her forever. Share your experiences with these kind of friends.

Nonya · Feb 4, 2017

Many threads begin with the kochen "Why o' why ---something something -- happens this way or that way". The one who writes such essays had likely thought a lot about it . Even for years in some cases. There must have been many many self generated answers to why that something happens whatever way it happens.

Paru123, Could you write all the answers. That will tweak people to come with more answers. Go on.

Beachpebble · Feb 4, 2017

Hi...I can understand what you mean as I too have been facing such situations. I live in an apartment complex and keep bumping into the same group of people often. Sometimes a person chats well and sometimes they kind of ignore. Of course there are times when I myself do not feel like having long chats with casual acquaintances if I am stressed about something and it has nothing to do with that person. So if another person does ignore me, I have conditioned myself to ignore but it still hurts a little. I know other people who are also in the same boat ....my opinion would be to not give such people too much importance so as to feel offended if they ignore you...yes finding good friends is difficult as we grow older...

paru123 · Feb 4, 2017

Nonya@
Are u one of that type
Anyways u r a good critic. Are u a teacher by profession, very smart in identifying the mistakes.

guesshoo · Feb 4, 2017

You friend doesn't owe you information about her or her child's personal life. No one does. You admit you have other meaningful discussions as friends instead of as parents. That's what friendship is about. You say she is very organised. It sounds to me that she partitions her time to give some to chat with friends and the rest to use for other things. Which is perfectly fair. If you are busy with other things when she calls / chats, you should say so - surely without any bitterness. She seems to make an effort to keep in touch. It is very juvenile to complain about her not sharing absolutely everything with you and take offence for her not devoting all her time chatting with you.

Rihana · Feb 4, 2017

paru123 said: ↑

Any advise to keep her or block her forever.
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Keep her. The joy she brings seems to be much more than the little vexation.

This disparity in sharing information or in intensity/quality of interactions seems to bother quite a few people, going by the threads. You seem to recognize the good in the friendship. You could perhaps feel more in control by sometimes or more often being the one to end a chat or a phone call. And, being a little bit unavailable. Not in a passive aggressive way, but, just so you don't feel so powerless or so taken for granted.

Information exchange or confidences shared in a friendship need not be 50-50 or symmetrical always. A friend might share about her work life but not her kid. You might feel comfortable doing the opposite.

guesshoo gave some sensible feedback too.

paru123 · Feb 4, 2017

If she wants to know each and every activity about me and my child, is she fair enough to hide things from me. Is that a one way friendship or a chor police type relation where one keeps asking and the other answering, and if the role is reversed then keep mum or be offline.

Rihana · Feb 5, 2017

paru123 said: ↑

If she wants to know each and every activity about me and my child, is she fair enough to hide things from me.
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Does she actively ask for the info or you voluntarily feel free to and want to share? If she is explicitly asking about your child and clamming up when it comes to talking about her child, then you have a point. There are some such people who harvest information but won't share any.

Is that a one way friendship or a chor police type relation where one keeps asking and the other answering, and if the role is reversed then keep mum or be offline.
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This is going to take some tactful management. There are ways to not give a direct response to direct questions. Find a few appropriate responses and practice them.

One response is "Hey let's not talk about kids (today). I so badly need a break from any kid related thought or worry" In fact, with my good friends, it is pretty standard to start a call or chat or lunch with, "look, please let's not talk about x,y and z topics". With the even closer ones, with whom lunch is a much looked forward to event, we have a thing that whoever brings up a forbidden topic puts a dollar on the table... sometimes we end up with enough to cover the lunch bill. : )

As you grow older, such friendships become less important - the friendships where exchange of information and confidences plays an important role. Friends who matter become fewer and we come to cherish them, warts and all.

paru123 · Feb 5, 2017

If she is explicitly asking about your child and clamming up when it comes to talking about her child, then you have a point. There are some such people who harvest information but won't share any.

Yes, this is what she does.

Sometimes I feel she is competing with me by taking my details and other times I feel she thinks herself to be quite superior. Anyways going to ignore her for some time now.

Nonya · Feb 5, 2017

paru123 said: ↑

If she is explicitly asking about your child and clamming up when it comes to talking about her child, then you have a point. There are some such people who harvest information but won't share any.

Yes, this is what she does.

Sometimes I feel she is competing with me by taking my details and other times I feel she thinks herself to be quite superior. Anyways going to ignore her for some time now.
Click to expand...

Nice posts from Rihana and guesshoo. They are suggesting to give your friend the benefit of good intentions. When someone whose company (online and in person also) you enjoy, and is very popular with others, and she can give you a small amount of attention and inquire about your child, that is a nice gesture. She may have to share herself with lots of other friends and her family. And you enjoy the little time she gives you, otherwise you cannot be so perplexed about whether to keep or block. Count your friend as a positive, and a keeper.