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Why Am I Still Staying With Him/

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by shwetha12, Jan 18, 2018.

  1. shwetha12

    shwetha12 Bronze IL'ite

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    Even after 2 weeks of very small fight ; there is no reason in the fight that went on for 2 minutes and I am still confused as what irked him.

    It's 2 weeks now ;
    Not talking, not eating my food ; no .... , not even sad.
    He is seeming more happy and peaceful .

    I tried talking multiple times . He avoided . It's 14 years we are married .
    Finally he picked my call today and said following ;

    I have many things that I don't like In you
    I am happier and peaceful without talking to you
    We have zero respect for each other
    I think we don't love each other anymore
    Yes I don't feel bad not talking to you ; rather I am happy not talking to you
    We always have 2 words
    ----------
    To outside world we are best couple ; two beautiful sons of age 11 and 2,
    1000%. No affair ; since he is home as soon as office finishes.
    He is extremely busy in office with double overlapped meetings .

    Is this what I deserve after 14 years of living together .
    I earn a lot , I am highly educated, son is topper in everything , husband is
    Very organized , intelligent and extremely caring and hardworking .

    I don't have anything to complain against him; it's just my self respect
    Asking me to get out of here . But children ....

    I am just torn into pieces listening to his words .
    Pleaseeeeee help
     
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  2. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Ask him..

    How long will this happiness n peace last without talking to you ?

    What makes him think that you guys lost the respect n love for each other ? N why now?

    What does he plan to do about all this ?

    Is he ok to keep this up even when he's 70 n spend all his life living a miserable life ?

    What can be done to change this?

    What are the things that he does like about you?

    You can tell him that you respect n love him enough to hear his decisions, so ask him to tell you about how to take this further..

    Does he want to..

    Live in the same house but be strangers n miserable
    - (atleast you). N the children will know. As days goes by, it will get even more bitter n the house will be miserable for the kids.

    Live in the same house - but have their own set of affairs outside (open relationship), basically finding their happiness outside n living only for the society.

    Be separated - it could mean different houses, cities, countries. People use the excuse of work easily n they do whatever they want.

    Divorced - legally separated, have the option of finding another partner legally, shared custody, bla bla

    OR

    Fix this
    - talk about everything
    - go to a counsellor
    - Find a mid way n compromise
    Basically anything to fix this situation mutually n live the rest of your lives in peace n harmony.

    While you are doing that, make sure he understands that you are person with self respect n deserves his respect.

    First give it all some down time. Stop trying to talk to him or cooking or doing stuff. Use this break to calm yourself too. N think about what you will do for all the options. This time off may give him time to think about it too. This way, any talks that you initiate later may reap better results.

    Ego is bad for relationships, asking sorry even when it's not your fault n all is fine, it's all give n take..
    but without any respect n self respect you have lost yourself, this is when they don't even give you common respect as a fellow human being.
     
    Last edited: Jan 18, 2018
    hermitcrab, shama146, NeetaR and 2 others like this.
  3. sumalynux

    sumalynux IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear op

    Please calm down.

    Almost similar thing happened with me. Nearly after decade of relationship and 8yrs of marriage, recently my husband said and did few things which shook my grounds and i was shocked is it same person whom was ready to leave everyone and marry me.. Dh said few words even after an year am not able to digest it, though he's back to normal, caring and stuff I am not able to forget the incident and trust/love him fully anymore...

    But what my mom said did help me to "run" life with him without hatredness towards him..

    Mine was complicated delivery and doc has told I might or might not survive delivery. My mom still remembers how much he struggled and cried and called so many people to arrange blood. Post delivery I was not able to sit or stand, he used to literally carry from bed to toilet and even washed my butt..

    Mom convinced me sometimes it's (vishagalige) bad moments in life don't just think about how bad he was with you, but also think how loving and caring he was and is now.

    I still feel bad sometimes thinking how could he be so cruel to me during that incident...

    So I understand how you feel, some men communicate less and silently listen when wife keeps nags/points out things.. suddenly some point they will outburst there hidden piled up anger, it turns out like a hidden grudge or hatredness.

    Let go off don't analyse too much about his words. If other things are well with him., Then it would definitely be angry words.. Don't give too much value to it..

    When he calms down and comes around you can talk and explain how it hurts you and if possible change few things if you accept it as right.

    PS: my dh did out burst how he hates when i don't give him space and hates when i talk about how his sister and mom torchured me.. I did stop it and it helped...
     
    zeppelingirl and AnithaVShanbhag like this.
  4. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    How about taking a mini break mentally from the “happy” husband ? This includes not cooking food for the spouse ( he is not eating anyway) , no attempts to get the husband to talk , basically focusing on YOURSELF ! And being happy !
    After a while he might realize he is no longer happy not talking to you or you might attain “nirvana” not talking to him. At that point decide if you want to stay .
     
  5. charanya147

    charanya147 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi ,
    Best revenge for husband is you " Being Happy "........dress well,eat well,shop well.,
    Give all ur happiness to ur children, visit your parents. ......God has given a great opportunity to be urself once again, don't spoil it. .....
    If you started ur enjoyment, surely he will be upset and starts thinking about you. .....like what you are doing now......
    Sometimes IGNORE is the best medicine.....just ignore everything. ......ur situation will be good one day. .....world war itself ends one day. .....housewar will end on anyday......be cheerful and happy.......see him as ur friend who always try to irritate you in school days....
     
    Sunshine04 and shravs3 like this.
  6. kalpas

    kalpas Bronze IL'ite

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  7. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Platinum IL'ite

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    Space is required by every individual at all time. Even if you are couple you two have your own personal life too. If he feel peace then let him feel so up to the time he want to. Don't interfere or put yourself to him. Live your life with or without kids. Have your own personal time. Go for shopping spend lots of time in parlour watch your favourite movies and do whatever you like to do. If you live freely you too will be able to live happily. And two persons living happily will not have anything to fight. Fight or argument or even thinking about this will make the situation complicated. Just leave it and enjoy.
     
    Sandycandy likes this.
  8. kalpas

    kalpas Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi

    Be patient. Sometimes it is no use talking. Atleast he has told you so many reasons for keeping quite.
    You ignore all the reasons he gave you for not talking to you. Don't take it personally.
    But you enjoy yourself, dress well, eat well and take full care of your kids. Don't let this affect you in anyway. It is very easy for me to say, but difficult to implement. Just ignore his comments. Be yourself.

    Definitely he will need you and want you someday. That day, you welcome without taking revenge. It will be a passing phase. He needs to know your value. Give him the space. On his own he will realize. Till then you be calm and keep doing your routine. Don't have any expectations. It will hurt you.

    You have invested 14 years. So wait patiently.

    You know better, if your husband has real love for you or not. So if you feel and are sure about his love for you , just b patient.

    Good luck and Take care,
     
    Sandycandy likes this.
  9. Rajeni

    Rajeni Moderator Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    It would definitely be heartbreaking to here those words from the person whom you have trusted and invested 14 years of your life. But, before considering separation, you would want to find out how much of those words he really meant or whether those were blurted out in anger or whether he said those intentionally to hurt you and feed his ego.
    Either way, like everyone suggested, being happy and (pretending to be) not hurt is the right path. It will help you figure out the the depth of the issue and give you the clarity on what your next steps should be.

    For am example, lets say you have a couple of friends who used to be your besties but lost touch eventually. Consider the below scenarios -
    a) One day, you hear that something bad happened to one of them.
    You would definitely feel sorry for them and even want to meet/call and extend your support/help.
    OR
    b) you hear (or see in FB) that those friends had met each other recently and had fun.
    This time its not just feeling sorry, you would long to be with them, share the happiness and would be upset why you were not invited and you would even regret your actions (if you are the one who put the distance b/w you and them)


    - This is where you want put your DH.

    Currently nothing has really changed for him. He has pushed you into a deep sense of insecurity but his world has not much changed. You are the same as how you were the past so many years. You tried to talk to him, cook for him, tried to mend things which was a sign that you were desperate to make things work and that gives him the strength to go on like that. He is feeding his ego that he has punished you (for what ever reason, which you are yet to figure out). He may be content that he has found his momentary happiness (he might even believe that this is what he want).
    On the other hand, even if you keep a long face and be visibly disappointed that would also send him the same message that you are unhappy/wanted things back to normal.

    On the contrary, If he sees you and the children being happy (without him taking part), you going ahead with your life, hobbies and career more enthusiastically. That would make him insecure, lonely and he will start wondering whether you have also checked out of the relationship. He would want to be the part of the happy family again, take part in the fun. Going by what you have said, if he used to be a caring and good husband, he would come around. If the issue is serious than what it seems, you would get to know that too.

    This would either fix things and mend the family or worst case, if he still didn't come around, you would have learnt to live happily in your own company if separation remains the only choice.

    All the Best!
     
    hermitcrab and NeetaR like this.
  10. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Ask him if he has checked out of the marriage .
    Don't let him play with your mind and enjoy himself.
    Ask him a direct question that has consequences......for him too.

    You are a financially independent woman.
    You can afford to call his bluff.
    Either ways,it will end your misery and give you an answer to your question.
     
    Archanaanchan, Sandycandy and NeetaR like this.

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